Post # 1
Grim morning at this household, bees.
Last night I got a call from my mom at 10pm, with her screaming at me. She was told by my uncle (my officiant) that we are doing a civil ceremony before (it’s actually after, but hey.) our actual wedding day. She absolutely freaked out.
I avoided telling her, because I knew this would happen. She acted like I had killed someone.
Some of you know that I wrote a post, talking about my disappointment in the discovery of mine and my FI’s legal sitch. Basically, his divorce isn’t final until 3 days after our wedding. So the plan was to go home after the wedding and get married, legally.
I can’t tell my mom about this, because she’ll write my FI off. She knows about the divorce, but she thought that he had taken care of it earlier.
What should I do? Continue lying to her, and say we’re having a ‘real’ wedding? Or just tell her about the divorce and that’s why we can’t get married that day?
Post # 3
From how you describe her reacting to this situation already I say keep her in the dark. Sometimes less information is better. And less of a headache for you!
Post # 4
but I don’t want her to be looking for a certificate on that day…I know she will, and it’ll ruin the wedding if she freaks out that we still are doing a civil ceremony.. :/
Post # 5
eeek – this is tough. i normally think honesty is best and i know i may be one of the only ones who think this but i would almost just let it go and avoid the drama. its one of those things that will really upset her now but if told a few years down the road she may just brush it off.
Post # 6
is there a way to have her not be so nebby the day of the wedding? Can you have someone keep her occupied? If not I don’t know what to say besides Im sorry she is giving you more stress than you need instead of helping make this a happy occasion.
Post # 7
Not that I condone lying, necessarily, but what if you told her that while you wanted to do a big wedding so everyone could be there, you really wanted an intimate ceremony for just the two of you after? I don’t know. Just spin the truth a bit?
Post # 8
What about letting your uncle do the ceremony, and then not having him date the certificate, until 3 days later, unless the certificate has to be turned in before then. I think that maybe she might be more hurt that you didn’t tell than by the actual thought of a civil ceremony. Let her cool down, then apologize to her for hurting her feelings; maybe take her out to lunch and tell her this, so she will behave and not start yelling. There is less chance of that happening in a public place.
Post # 9
She’s saying that the wedding would be a sham, and that it would be a fake wedding if we didn’t actually get married that day. I don’t get it? We want to say our vows in front of our family and friends! It’s a piece of paper that the government wants…It’s so frustrating 🙁
Post # 10
Well, it’s not really up to her. Not sure what to say, but I wouldn’t change my plans because someone didn’t approve. Tell your Uncle to stop telling her these things!
Post # 11
Does your uncle know why you will be doing a civil ceremony? Is he ok with “marrying” you when your fiance will still technically be married to the other person? (I only put “marrying” in quotes, because all the guests will think it’s real, but it’s really just exchanging vows without the legal part). Are you absolutely positive that it will only be 3 days difference? I would hate for something to happen that makes it so you couldn’t legally married for a longer time.
Post # 12
@EvaBostonTerrier: Yep, the court told us the 19th is the day the divorce will be official. So we were planning on coming home and doing the legal stuff after.
So update: my uncle doesn’t want to do the ceremony anymore. UGH. He said he wouldn’t feel comfortable being an actor in our fake wedding.
Post # 13
Honestly I think there may be some legal issues as well. I believe in my state you CAN’T have the wedding before the legal marriage. You can have the wedding *after* the legal marriage but not before.
The idea is to prevent people publically presenting themselves as married when they’re legally not. It could be done to fool family members or to run a scam or financial fraud. Not that you are trying to do that, but that’s the reason behind the law! I don’t know how often this is enforced but I know my officiant refuses to even conduct the rehearsal unless the marriage certificate is in hand. Because of the legal ramifications for him.
Post # 14
@Magdalena: What state do you live in? I think it’s highly unlikely that there are any laws against being able to have a wedding, as weddings are in NO way legally binding. Legally, a wedding is a big party.
To the OP, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. How awful to have your mother so unsupportive of you. I think at this point, given that you have a talkative uncle, you need to tell your mom the truth. Of course, I don’t know what your relationship is like, so I have no idea how it would go over. But you may want to sit her down and explain everything, especially focusing on the fact that when you started planning the wedding, the divorce papers were about to go through, but maybe stretch the truth a little to emphasize how recently there was an issue with the processing of something and it turns out that the papers won’t go through until right after the wedding. Maybe explain that you would lose out on a lot of money and that what’s important about the day is that you’re making an emotional commitment to each other with the support of the family? Do you think that would help smooth things over at all? I’d also recommend apologizing that she had to find out that way, explaining that in your eyes the marriage is 100% real because it is in front of your friends and family.
Post # 15
Wow, so sorry to hear that this situation with your mother is stressing you out. I do have to agree with another bee who responded, it’s really not up to your mother how “YOUR” wedding should be. It’ s all really up to you and your FI. I hope that this minor situation desolves soon so that you can focus on being happy and enjoying the rest of your journey as a happy bride to be.
Post # 16
@napabridekelsey: I’m so sorry to hear about your update that your uncle no longer wants to officiate your ceremony because of your date dilemma. I know these difficulties with your family, especially your mother, cannot be easy. Is it possible for you to find another officiant in time that would be okay with your situation?