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Oh, girl. I hurt for you, because I know exactly how you feel. I have the same issues with my mother (and my brother and father and sister...yup, all of them). It's really something that you already know....if you really think about it. Just having to ask the question means you fear the worst, and of the scenarios you mentioned, none had a happy ending. I'm not trying to be a debbie downer or sway your decision - this is up to you, and only you - but having been in this situation, I know how you feel. In the end, no one in my family was there. My cousin walked me down the aisle. It was the best choice for me. It allowed me to have an amazing, drama free day - a day without fear of which person would show up high or drunk or crazy or say something horrible or cause a fight... all likely scenarios with my family. It was the right choice for me, but in the end, you have to make the right choice for YOU. I wish you luck with it, and I hope in the end, no matter what, you have the most amazing wedding that a girl could ask for! :)
awakemysoul I really can relateto your situation. Im and 22 and have experienced a similar situation to yours.I however have only seen my mother 4x since my father got custody of me. Each time she said that she wanted to build a relationship with me and didnt hold up her end of the deal.
The bottom line is sometimes you have to stick to your guns. If you feel like its a possibility that you will be let down then dont take that chance on your wedding day. If it were me I would invite her to lunch or something along those lines to fill her in on how you are feeling and why, depending on how close you are now. If she is clean and sober as she says and has taken an account for her actions she should understand that Rome wasn't built in a day, and 18 years of pain can not be erased so easily.
Good luck to you. I hoped I offered some help.
I am sorry to say that I really empathize with you, too...my father is an addict and I'm not planning on inviting him to the wedding. It's hard to determine whether the potential risks outweigh the awards, and I don't know the right answer for YOU, but please remember that the situation's not your fault. I hope you figure out what is best for you in this situation!
I am in a similar situation with my father and face the same fears as you... Personally I can't think of any possible situation where the benefits of having him there outweigh the risks so I'm opting out of inviting him. After returning from the honeymoon FI and I will sit down and have dinner with him or something of that sort. I refuse to give him the power to ruin my day and as sorry as I am that it will probably hurt his feelings I can't help but think that he wasn't ultra considerate of my feelings growing up when he was partaking in his bad habbits/addictions. Whatever you decide make sure it is whats best for you and FI- in the end the people that love you and matter most will support your decision regardless
No words of wisdom on my side, but I wish you the very best. You've been through a lot and you deserve unabashed happiness on your wedding day. I hope it is everything you dream of!
I am going through a similar situation with my father. My brother put it best when he said it's only going to take him saying or doing one thing out of line to ruin the day, why take the chance. I am leaning on the side of not inviting him at all, and I am ok with that decision. The only thing holding me back from making a final decision on the matter is that I know his side of the family will not come if I do not invite him, and I just hate that my aunts, uncles and cousins wouldn't be there.
I can't relate but I'm wondering if you meet with her before the wedding, the "over emotional I want to fix things in 5 min" mom might not show up. She might get over that before if you can meet for lunch or something. Good luck. And it might not be so hard to explain why you want her at the wedding and not at the reception. She may understand that and accept and recept your feelings. Hopefully! And I'm very sorry for your situation.
*hugs* I am so sorry that you have had to go through all of this! Reading what you wrote, I didn't see any "but if she comes this amazing thing could happen!" positive outcomes. I think that says right there what your decision ought to be. Personally, i wouldn't invite her...but its a decision you need to make and one you need to feel comfortable living with. Good luck! I hope, whatever your ultimate decision is, that you have a beautiful, joyous, undrama filled wedding which brings nothing but smiles with its memory. :)
thanks for the input all :) I'm happy I still have plenty of time to make the decision.
wow i really cannot give you ay advice, i have never been in a similar situation. i do agree with some of the other bees though, you need to do what is going to be least stressful for you.
maybe after the wedding, or before if you feel like it, you and your new husband can have a special family dinner celebrating your nuptials?
Since you are a year out, I would wait to see what the next several months bring. There's no need to rush to this decision right now is there? I can somewhat relate; my current standing is to not invite my mom- she made her decision many years ago and I was the one who kept going back thinking things would change but I should have listened the first time. Everyone in my family is in an uproar about her not being on the guest list and I've been called names about it. You need to do what is best for you only. If you do decide to invite her, she needs to be told what is expected of her (If you show up drunk/stoned, you will be escorted out, etc.) and assign someone to be a caretaker of her and have a back up plan for the concerns you noted.
And on top of the normal stress of the wedding day, I don't need to worry about what my mother may or may not do, or how she can ruin the day (for lack of a better term).
I have this issue with my FMIL, no telling how she will act but her actions are a reflection of her. She will do what she does so try not to worry about what she may or may not do, just have fun- try to enjoy your day.
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Here is the backstory ... my mother has failed at being a mother. She has an addiction disease, that has taken her out of my life for the last 18 years (with the rare visit here and there). I'm 24 now and lived in foster care between 8-16 (and then on my own after that), and it has taken me a long time to accept that my mother is who she is, and I can't expect anything more from her.
I have an older brother, who is 33, who has recently come to terms with having a relationship with my mother, despite her addiction [and the disappointment and emotional drama it brings]. I've already sat down with him and explained that I am very happy that he wants to have a relationship with her, and I hope to at some point down the line, but not what now, and I don't need him pressuring or rushing me along.
I gave my mother the ultimatem when I was 17, that I would only have a relationship with her once she could prove to me that she was clean and sober. Apparently, she has been clean and sober for over a year now. And that is fantastic, and is really good, and I think about the longest she has gone (at least the longest outside of jail). So, I just don't know how to explain to her, or my brother, that before I open myself back up to a relationship with her ... I need a little more than a year of soberity to offset 18 years of being let down.
I'm getting married in a year, and I know it'd mean a lot to my mother to see her only daughter get married (considering she missed my grade 8 graduation, my first boyfriend, prom, high school and college graduation). And I'd love to be able to give that to her, but there are some major concerns:
1) I won't know which mother will show up ... happy mother, create-a-scene mother, overly emotional (aka I want to make up for the last 18 years in the next 5 minutes), or in the worst case, the I got stoned so I could cope with this mother. And on top of the normal stress of the wedding day, I don't need to worry about what my mother may or may not do, or how she can ruin the day (for lack of a better term).
2) I wouldn't want to invite her to the reception, too many people, too much potential for disaster (she and her brother [my uncle] despise eachother ... 'cept my uncle has been around for the last 18 years, so I can't not invite him) ... plus, there'll be plenty-o-booze ... don't need to tempt fate.
3) A little part of me worries, what if I extend the olive branch ... and she doesn't show up, and it just adds another item to the list of ways she has let me down.
*sigh* ... I just don't know what to do.