(Closed) Don’t know what to do, do I invite my mother (long)

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
3098 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

Oh, girl. I hurt for you, because I know exactly how you feel. I have the same issues with my mother (and my brother and father and sister…yup, all of them). It’s really something that you already know….if you really think about it. Just having to ask the question means you fear the worst, and of the scenarios you mentioned, none had a happy ending. I’m not trying to be a debbie downer or sway your decision – this is up to you, and only you – but having been in this situation, I know how you feel. In the end, no one in my family was there. My cousin walked me down the aisle. It was the best choice for me. It allowed me to have an amazing, drama free day – a day without fear of which person would show up high or drunk or crazy or say something horrible or cause a fight… all likely scenarios with my family. It was the right choice for me, but in the end, you have to make the right choice for YOU. I wish you luck with it, and I hope in the end, no matter what, you have the most amazing wedding that a girl could ask for! 🙂

Post # 4
Member
22 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2010

awakemysoul I really can relateto your situation. Im and 22 and have experienced a similar situation to yours.I however have only seen my mother 4x since my father got custody of me. Each time she said that she wanted to build a relationship with me and didnt hold up her end of the deal.

The bottom line is sometimes you have to stick to your guns. If you feel like its a possibility that you will be let down then dont take that chance on your wedding day. If it were me I would invite her to lunch or something along those lines to fill her in on how you are feeling and why, depending on how close you are now. If she is clean and sober as she says and has taken an account for her actions she should understand that Rome wasn’t built in a day, and 18 years of pain can not be erased so easily.

Good luck to you. I hoped I offered some help.

Post # 5
Member
65 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I am sorry to say that I really empathize with you, too…my father is an addict and I’m not planning on inviting him to the wedding. It’s hard to determine whether the potential risks outweigh the awards, and I don’t know the right answer for YOU, but please remember that the situation’s not your fault. I hope you figure out what is best for you in this situation!

Post # 6
Member
654 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I am in a similar situation with my father and face the same fears as you… Personally I can’t think of any possible situation where the benefits of having him there outweigh the risks so I’m opting out of inviting him. After returning from the honeymoon FI and I will sit down and have dinner with him or something of that sort. I refuse to give him the power to ruin my day and as sorry as I am that it will probably hurt his feelings I can’t help but think that he wasn’t ultra considerate of my feelings growing up when he was partaking in his bad habbits/addictions. Whatever you decide make sure it is whats best for you and FI- in the end the people that love you and matter most will support your decision regardless

Post # 7
Member
314 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

No words of wisdom on my side, but I wish you the very best. You’ve been through a lot and you deserve unabashed happiness on your wedding day. I hope it is everything you dream of!

Post # 8
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I am going through a similar situation with my father.  My brother put it best when he said it’s only going to take him saying or doing one thing out of line to ruin the day, why take the chance.  I am leaning on the side of not inviting him at all, and I am ok with that decision.  The only thing holding me back from making a final decision on the matter is that I know his side of the family will not come if I do not invite him, and I just hate that my aunts, uncles and cousins wouldn’t be there. 

Post # 9
Member
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I can’t relate but I’m wondering if you meet with her before the wedding, the “over emotional I want to fix things in 5 min” mom might not show up.  She might get over that before if you can meet for lunch or something.  Good luck.  And it might not be so hard to explain why you want her at the wedding and not at the reception.  She may understand that and accept and recept your feelings.  Hopefully!  And I’m very sorry for your situation.

Post # 10
Member
1408 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

*hugs* I am so sorry that you have had to go through all of this! Reading what you wrote, I didn’t see any “but if she comes this amazing thing could happen!” positive outcomes. I think that says right there what your decision ought to be. Personally, i wouldn’t invite her…but its a decision you need to make and one you need to feel comfortable living with. Good luck! I hope, whatever your ultimate decision is, that you have a beautiful, joyous, undrama filled wedding which brings nothing but smiles with its memory. 🙂

Post # 12
Member
188 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

wow i really cannot give you ay advice, i have never been in a similar situation. i do agree with some of the other bees though, you need to do what is going to be least stressful for you.

maybe after the wedding, or before if you feel like it, you and your new husband can have a special family dinner celebrating your nuptials? 

 

Post # 13
Member
624 posts
Busy bee

Since you are a year out, I would wait to see what the next several months bring.  There’s no need to rush to this decision right now is there?  I can somewhat relate; my current standing is to not invite my mom- she made her decision many years ago and I was the one who kept going back thinking things would change but I should have listened the first time.  Everyone in my family is in an uproar about her not being on the guest list and I’ve been called names about it.  You need to do what is best for you only.  If you do decide to invite her, she needs to be told what is expected of her (If you show up drunk/stoned, you will be escorted out, etc.) and assign someone to be a caretaker of her and have a back up plan for the concerns you noted. 

And on top of the normal stress of the wedding day, I don’t need to worry about what my mother may or may not do, or how she can ruin the day (for lack of a better term).

I have this issue with my FMIL, no telling how she will act but her actions are a reflection of her.  She will do what she does so try not to worry about what she may or may not do, just have fun- try to enjoy your day.

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