- 8 years ago
- Wedding: September 2010
Here is the backstory … my mother has failed at being a mother. She has an addiction disease, that has taken her out of my life for the last 18 years (with the rare visit here and there). I’m 24 now and lived in foster care between 8-16 (and then on my own after that), and it has taken me a long time to accept that my mother is who she is, and I can’t expect anything more from her.
I have an older brother, who is 33, who has recently come to terms with having a relationship with my mother, despite her addiction [and the disappointment and emotional drama it brings]. I’ve already sat down with him and explained that I am very happy that he wants to have a relationship with her, and I hope to at some point down the line, but not what now, and I don’t need him pressuring or rushing me along.
I gave my mother the ultimatem when I was 17, that I would only have a relationship with her once she could prove to me that she was clean and sober. Apparently, she has been clean and sober for over a year now. And that is fantastic, and is really good, and I think about the longest she has gone (at least the longest outside of jail). So, I just don’t know how to explain to her, or my brother, that before I open myself back up to a relationship with her … I need a little more than a year of soberity to offset 18 years of being let down.
I’m getting married in a year, and I know it’d mean a lot to my mother to see her only daughter get married (considering she missed my grade 8 graduation, my first boyfriend, prom, high school and college graduation). And I’d love to be able to give that to her, but there are some major concerns:
1) I won’t know which mother will show up … happy mother, create-a-scene mother, overly emotional (aka I want to make up for the last 18 years in the next 5 minutes), or in the worst case, the I got stoned so I could cope with this mother. And on top of the normal stress of the wedding day, I don’t need to worry about what my mother may or may not do, or how she can ruin the day (for lack of a better term).
2) I wouldn’t want to invite her to the reception, too many people, too much potential for disaster (she and her brother [my uncle] despise eachother … ‘cept my uncle has been around for the last 18 years, so I can’t not invite him) … plus, there’ll be plenty-o-booze … don’t need to tempt fate.
3) A little part of me worries, what if I extend the olive branch … and she doesn’t show up, and it just adds another item to the list of ways she has let me down.
*sigh* … I just don’t know what to do.