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I definitely think it's rude for your FMIL to say that your family attendance will have to be limited in order to accomodate who she wants to invite, but that's the folly of having other people pay for things. Money can come with a lot of strings, sometimes it's best to decline. If she is still saying you can't bring all your relatives, maybe you can offer to pay the difference. If space is an issue, you're probably going to have to decline her offer of financial assistance and plan it yourself.
As far as her not calling you or taking you to lunch, I can understand you are hurt, but as you say in your post that you realize it's nothing personal. She sounds socially awkward at best, and very uncomfortable around people she doesn't know well. I like my MIL, but I have to admit I wouldn't be too keen on spending the day with her alone, and I NEVER call her.
Sorry. I agree that you might find turning her money down, to be a better option. While I can't say limiting a RD guest list due to finances is wrong, it doesn't seem right if she is being biased on who she cuts.
If her being distant to you is just how she rolls, I guess you'll have to find a way to deal with it. However, it does seem like a nice gesture for her to to throw you a shower. Perhaps she is just socially awkward or shy. Maybe, if you want to be closer to her, you need to be the one to initiate the lunch dates.
Like Tatum said, your FMIL sounds really socially awkward and that's probably why she's so distant with you. It's still extremely rude of her to want to limit the number of your relatives invited to the rehearsal dinner, though. I love my FMIL to death, but sometimes she can be very irrational, especially regarding wedding planning. When that happens I always discuss it with my SO and then he'll talk to her about whatever it is that's bothering us. That seems to be the easiest way to deal with tricky in laws. I would encourage you to explain your concerns to your FI and ask him to have a calm and rational conversation with his mother about it. Hope it works out!
I have a horrid MIL and she pulled a lot of the controlling junk your FMIL is trying to pull. However, when money is involved and people are paying for things for you it becomes sticky.
My MIL wanted high demands of our guest list and who she wanted invited. My parents were paying for the reception and therefore, they and my FI got the first say on the invite list, she got a certain amount of slots, if she wanted more she could pay for it ( she didn't and of course was so insulted) My FI and I were paying for the RD and everything else, She also did not offer to pay for the RD but wanted all her out of town guests to be invited as well. Nope, sorry, we are paying for it, and we aren't doing out of town guests, just family and who is in the bridal party were invited, but again she was so angry and pissed off because she claimed she was broke and we were holding that against her ( which she isn't at all) We weren't at all but my parents saved for many years to be able to pitch in our special day and my FI and I worked our butts off to save to put towards our wedding, so money is a big thing. I valued my wedding for all the obvious reasons but for also all of our hard work went into our wedding, To her that was selfish that I want to be able to be picky with where my money goes but that's how it should be for your wedding.
With that being said, since you are paying for the majority of your wedding and letting her invite all of who she wants then I find it very unfair that she is paying for the RD and saying you can't invite your out of town guests that you want. However, I can totally understand if one says no out of town guests because it's not a must to invite all of your out of towners, but your accodmating her, therefore she should return the favor. If she doesn't then I would simply cut back her list for your wedding so then you can put that money towards people you feel fit for your RD. Most of the time though, people who are paying get the first say in what they want. Since your paying for the wedding, voice up now the way she has done about the RD.
My personal opinion is that rehearsal dinners have gotten WAY out of hand, and in many instances have turned into mini weddings. They were designed to spend some time with your bridal party after your rehearsal and to relax a bit before the big day, as well as a way of saying thank you to them for their support. Who should be invited? I think the bridal party and immediate families, and not dates or other relatives. I just don't think it's necessary, whether or not they're local or coming from out of town. That's my own opinion, and one that will most likely be in the minority.
Both of my daughter's weddings were out of town and required overnight stays for us and the guests that wanted to, but only a few came to the hotels the night before and we (and the groom's family) asked them to the rehearsal dinner. They accepted, but were uncomfortable being there. There were only a few, so no big deal. If it was 50 extra people? I would have died and insisted on splitting the cost with the groom's family, OR met up with them later for a few drinks and light snacks. Most of these dinners are plenty expensive, and I could have never let them pay,especially if the people were my family. There's a big difference between paying for 10~15 people and 50+. I can honestly understand her not wanting to pay for such a crowd as she probably never saw that coming, and I don't think you can force her to or try and guilt her into it.
I hope you can find a way to work things out with her and become more comfortable, but it may take some time. Wedding planning can make people crazy!
Thanks for the responses and input. I completely understand that they are paying for the rehearsal dinner, and 50 family members (travelling from out of town) is a lot. My and my FI's issue comes with the face that for FI's brothers wedding, they hosted about 80 guests in Newport, RI for a dinner and full bar. It really seems that they're not treating our wedding the same. My FI just told me today that he is pretty hurt over this.
I told my FI this afternoon that if it comes down to it, we will contribute to the RD. Even though we agreed when she first brought up the RD that out of town family would be invited! My list will probably be more around 35 people, but she called last week DEMANDING to know EXACTLY how many people would be coming to the RD. I explained to my FI, who explained to her, that I can not know that until I get response RSVPs. The majority of my family does not have a lot of money, so I am expecting some no's from people who can't afford a trip right now.
AMS12 - it's the fact that we are paying for the majority of the wedding, and not cutting back any of her family (and my FIs family) that ticks me off so much. Their family is 90 people all together - and she's insisting the young neices and nephews bring dates!!!! (I am putting my foot down on that.) Throw in my family and close friends, and we're at 150!!! But family is very important to me, so I'm willing to make accommodations to have everyone there, like an afternoon wedding.
Tatum, Tanya and McVerde - I agree. She is a little socially akward. But there have been more things over the past 3.5 years. For example, I spent last Christmas at their house and everyone had a stocking except me. Seriously. It was so akward. She also wrapped up some of her old jewelery and gave it to me as a gift. She doesn't know that I had seen it lying around her house multiple times over the years, and I never said anything about it, of course. She also cancelled on plans to meet my family...twice! TWICE! My FI had to call her and yell at her and basically scold her like a child.
We're meeting with the photographer Sunday and depending on how she handles that, we're either going to use him or not. We are paying for this ourselves, and we're not rich. We've both worked major overtime to make this happen, so it would be a HUGE help...but if she's going to be crazy about it, I'd rather pick up more shifts and pay for it myself!
Oh, and another example of the manipulative things she does - she called Monday night and ranted on the phone to my FI for literally 45 minutes about the wording on the wedding invitations. Apparrantly she is going to be very hurt if her and her husband's names are not on the invite. Are you kidding? You are not paying for the wedding!
I think that I need to call and invite her out to lunch, and just tell her with the wedding approaching that I'm very much looking forward to joining her family and building a closer relationship with her. Maybe kill her with kindness??
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Hi all,
I just found the boards and am looking for some advice. Our wedding planning is in full swing...and it's very exciting, stressful at times, but exciting. One of the biggest issues is that my FMIL is causing a lot of stress. She is proving to be very controlling and manipulative with my fiancee. I had a long talk with my FI this afternoon, and he is pretty upset as well. This could get long.
Basically, we've been dating for 3.5 years, engaged for 8 months, and bought a house last June. We live 1.5 hours away from FI's parents and a 4 hr. plane ride away from my family :( Since we have been dating she has taken no interest in getting to know me. She has not once invited me to lunch or to do something with her. Not once. I was hoping that would change with the engagement. It hasn't. She calls and talks with my FI about the bridal shower she wants to throw me, and expects him to relay the message to me. WEIRD and insulting. I don't know what the issue is. I know she is the same with her other DIL, so I think this is just who she is. She doesn't think those relationships are important, and I think family is everything.
Anyways, my FIs parents graciously offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner and photographer, and she is turning it into a nightmare. She is very hurt and upset that we want to meet with the photographer (this coming Sunday) before we say we'll definitely use him. She thinks she should offer and we should immediately say yes. She is telling my FI that she doesn't know if all of my out-of-town family can come to the rehearsal dinner (it's about 50 people). Again, she doesn't talk with me about this. She calls my FI agitated and making demands. And, my poor FI, is comparing all of this with his brother's wedding. His brother's wife comes from a very well to do family and had a six figure wedding. We are paying for ours with help from my father and are keeping it around 15000 (including honeymoon). And she is very obviously treating our wedding as less important. I feel so bad for my FI. His feelings are hurt.
I just don't know what to do with her. I feel like I'm fighting her with wedding planning. I'm thinking "you want to keep my family from coming to the rehearsal dinner (which is NOT happening), but you want your 19-22 year old neices and nephews all invited with their boyfriends/girlfriends of the week? Get real lady. We are having an afternoon wedding to accommodate your LARGE family, so we didn't have to exclude anybody, and you are complaining that the afternoon is not fancy enough?
I am so sick of it. And the worst thing is that I don't know if it's ME she doesn't like, or if she just thinks less of our wedding because it's going to be DIY and casual....