Post # 1
3 weeks ago today, DH and I found out that our baby had stopped growing at 8 weeks (though I was 15 weeks) and there was no heartbeat.
I had a D and E and the past 3 weeks have been a hell of emotions. I’ve been sad, angry, depressed, etc. I have good days and bad days. I’m seeing a therapist and am on anti-anxiety meds until things settle down a bit.
While at first I wanted to talk about it, now I just want to be left the hell alone and no one understands. My DH is ready for me to be over it….and I’m just not yet. I’m not sure I will be until we get pregnant again. He is uncomfortable with my anger at the world and my loss of faith (in God, myself, and my body and I guess the world in general).
My MIL confronted me today and told me that she’s concerned about me. She feels like my DH and I are shutting our family out. I couldn’t get an answer from her on why she felt this way. We had turned down one dinner invitation when the issue was still fresh and I didn’t want to be around many people yet. She also brought up my SIL and our relationship. My SIL and I haven’t had a great start to our relationship and only recently have begun getting closer. She had a baby in Jan., so we finally had something to talk about and be excited about together. Now that I’m not pregnant anymore I don’t talk to my SIL as much. Nothing personal, we just don’t have that commonality to talk aout anymore. MIL made a comment on how she didn’t want my miscarriage to make my relationship with SIL take a backward turn. When I had mentiond how I still get sad around babies and pregnant women she made the comment that my nephew had done nothing wrong and I could”t blame him for what happened.
Bottom line I feel like no one around me understands how I’m feeling and people don’t like the way that I’m dealing with my own miscarriage. And frankl that pisses me off. Can anyone relate or have any advice?
Post # 3
I’m so sorry you are going through this tragic loss.
I can’t relate, personally, but I don’t think anyone should force you on the timeframe of your grief and grieving process.
I think it’s nice that MIL is concerned (as she should be) but I wish she offered something constructive vs. critize you. Who cares what your relationship with your SIL is at this point. She needs to chill out and be more empathetic, IMO.
I have to believe there are support groups out there and it would be a good thing to process your feelings with people who have been in your shoes.
I’m sure there are others in the hive that will have great advice. I just wanted to say I’m sorry and offer big HUGS.
Post # 4
Im not sure if talking about it will help or just not talking about it? Are there any groups for women who have gone through this? This is a very very emotional time for you. No one in your immediate group of family or friends will understand (unless it happened to them) that can be super frustrating. I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad to hear you are on meds and in counseling. Keep that up it may be your saving grace. As far as your husband? UGH…. You don’t just get over something like this. Time, time, and time…..
Post # 5
@Bee27: I had the same problem. I shut myself in my house for a long time after losing each of my pregnancies. I didn’t especially feel like socializing.
My DH showed hardly any emotion at all, and that stung, but men deal with things more differently. He kept wanting to “fix” me and make me happy again, but only you can do that for yourself, and it isn’t like you aren’t trying.
There are support forums for this. Maybe it would help MIL to be sent a companion guide for how to help loved ones cope with grief, instead of telling you how you “should” react.
Post # 6
@Carolyn72: I have no from-experience-advice because I’ve never been there and cannot begin to fathom what you must be going through. All I can say is that everyone bares their grief in their own way. Some people find solace in family and relationships, some only find comfort from their own company. Noone should be judging you for how you are handling/not-handling this – ESPECIALLY not your husband. They don’t have to like or understand the way you come to terms with this loss, but they should respect how you feel (it’s not like you can change that!) and give you the time, space, and privacy that you need. Take as much time as YOU need, not what others dictate you should take. The people who love you most will be there for you on the other side, even if you neglect them for now. If they don’t understand and they aren’t there, well….shame on them.
While everyone might have been excited and thrilled at the prospect of your pregnancy, noone but you will understand the bond you had with this baby – that unescapable unshareable bond because it was growing inside YOU.
Sending you hugs and prayers – I think only time will heal your heart though.
Post # 7
first of all i am very sorry for your loss, i have had a mc 4 years ago. i still think about it today that said time is a great healer, 3 weeks is no time though, if the tablets help stick with them, i usually roll my eyes at counciling but i took counciling a year after my loss and it was the best decision I ever made. it was good to talk to someone who didn’t know me iykwim. i would honestly say deal with your emotions in your own way, but do try not to shut everyone out especially your FI, i do not understand his need to be over this so quickly but it may just be his way of dealing with your loss. and please except that your mother in law is simply trying to understand. I wanted to be close to everyone around me, i need the company and the distraction. but everyone deals with this differently.
i also got myself a journal, i found that writting down my feelings my angry thoughts was more healthy than venting this to the people around me.
but what you are feeling is ok, normal even. it’s ok to be angry and sad, it is ok to want to grieve a while longer. it’s ok to want to be by yourself. if you wish to talk you are more than welcome to pm me.
all the best to you in this sad time, it will get better (((hugs)))
Post # 8
Christ on a bike can I punch your MIL straight in the face? How DARE she presume to tell you how to grieve and act. Repulsive. I recently had a m/c and it was earlier than yours so I didn’t experience the level of grief you are but frick it was HARD. It is devestating to get to 15 weeks and then be told your dreams and hopes are over then the toll it takes on your body. Do NOT let anyone tell you to move on, to get over it or anything of the sort. You are totally within the realm of normal to still be processing your thoughts, everyone needs to back the eff up and let you be.
If this were me I’d have a heart to heart with your H. Tell him how you feel, that you need space and you need him to allow you to go through the full range of grief. Also he absolutely needs to speak to his Mother and be sure that she realizes it is SO inappropriate for her to talk to you in that way. If you don’t want to see or talk to anyone that is your gosh darn business and pretty sure dinner reservations and your not great relationship with your SIL is not on the top of your priority list.
(( HUGS ))
Post # 9
I can’t pretend to have evet been in your shoes but I just wanted to extend a hug and some love your way. My SIL has had 3 miscarriages and 2 sons she had to give birth to at month 4 of her pregnancy because of severe abnorMalities. It’s been hard at time to know what to tell her because it’s something people will say they ‘understand’ but until they walk in your shoes they have no right to tell you how to feel. Remember it’s okay to be sad, and angry and scared. Take time, start doing some things that make you happy again even small stuff like getting your nails done. Xoxoxox
Post # 10
@Bee27: Sorry for your loss. No, I can’t relate but I’m sure you can find some type of support group (be it in person and/or online – thebump.com has a forum for loss/miscarriage, I’m sure there are women on there you can talk to). Regarding your MIL, I take she’s never experienced a miscarriage and therefore should respect you and your way of handling this. Three weeks is not a very long time to get over something this loss. I’d have a chat with your husband and tell him he needs to be patient with you while you grieve. I’d also demand (sounds harsh, but it needs to be done) that he speak with his Mom and tell her to leave you alone, respect your privacy, and allow you time to grieve. I’d surround yourself with more supportive people in the meantime, friends/family you know you can count on. Good luck OP, and again, sorry for your loss.
Post # 11
DH and I have talked and I think he’s just frustrated because he wants to “fix” things and can’t and he feels helpless. I get that. We’ve talked about him being more open to my feelings…even if they make him uncomfortable.
MIL is another story and I don’t know if I should talk to her or not. I know she means well…be personally I’m a little bit offended. I feel like she was more concerned about my relationship with her daughter than she was with my feelings and trying to heal over this miscarriage. Last I knew, SIL’s and my relationship was fine and if it isn’t, SIL needs to let me know. My MIL doesn’t need to be involved in our relationship. I feel like she’s constantly trying to fix or better it and it ALWAYS makes things worse. And I’m also hurt she brought up my nephew, like I’m trying to blame him for what happened. I’ve been told it’s very normal for wome who suffer miscarriages to have difficulty being around babies or pregnant women or other things like that for a little while.
Post # 12
@Bee27: I’m so sorry for your loss. Your DH needs to tell his mom to BACK THE FUCK OFF. (Probably not in those words.) You get to mourn in your own way, at your own pace, and anyone who tries to tell you different (or, FFS, willfully misinterprets the fact that being around babies brings up fresh pain to mean that you’re blaming the babies!!!) can go suck an egg.
ETA: On a calmer note, would it help if your DH showed his mom some of the literature on women who suffer MCs and stillbirths? It might help her understand that your feelings are not personal, nor can they be rushed.
Post # 13
i can relate.. i lost my 1st child when i was 7 months preg.. he had brain damage. I had to have a full delivery and had him breech.. then we had a full service for you.
I will tell you i went to a group called SHARE, other parents that lost thier children..it helped a LOT! Its been many many years, it still hurts.. it will never go away, but find some way for you to honor your child and move on. ( i know your thinking im crazy saying that now, as i was a mess the 1st year)
I went to my sons grave every month on his deathday for a year.. until i got a tattoo of an angel..so i could carry him with my wherever i went.. that was a changing factor for me .now i still go once a year… and ive moved on and had other children.
you need time.. but im sure you are a strong woman and you will get thru this, one day you will wake up feeling better, trust in this.
Post # 14
@Bee27: First, I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve had 2 miscarriages, so I know how much anxiety and pain can come with your body trying to get itself back to “normal” let alone the emotion that comes with losing a child.
With that said, unless someone has been through it, it’s so incredibly hard for them to understand how you’re feeling. My DH and I kept talking to each other and just saying that our family just didn’t get it. Right after my second miscarriage, my MIL brought down a “baby’s first Christmas” ornament she had gotten for his cousin to show us. I wanted to scream at her. Our first baby (miscarried in June of that year) was due 3 days before Christmas, and her showing that to me killed me. And I don’t understand how she thought that was at all appropriate.
To top it off, there were babies and pregnant women everywhere for me. There were 10 pregnant women on my floor at work alone. No matter where I turned, someone else was pregnant. I made my husband take me on vacation to get away from it all, and I freaked out on vacation. I was so anxious and just felt like I couldn’t breathe at all. It took me at least the full summer to start feeling like myself again, though I was still sad a lot of the time.
I think talking to your DH about things more often will also help. I know he just wants to fix things, but it’s not that easy. You need to let him know that you need time to mourn the loss of your little one and you’re not sure how long it’s going to take. Him wanting you to be over it is just adding to your anxiety. And your MIL trying to meddle in yours and SIL’s relationship also isn’t helping, so he needs to tell her to back off of you and that your’e dealing with this in your own way.
Losing a baby is so hard…especially when it’s the one thing you want most in the world. If you ever need to vent or just tell me how no one understands, I’m all ears. Please PM me if you need to!
Post # 15
you’re right– no one can relate to this and it SUCKS. I have not been through this myself but have a close family member who has. Your grief is valid and there no time limit for your grieving. If I were you I would delegate the task of dealing with MIL to your DH. I am betting your SIL gets it and your MIL is just totally wrong. You’re in my thoughts.
Post # 16
I am so sorry for your loss. I have never been through that before and so I won’t give you any advice. I just wanted to say I’m thinking of you and giving you hugs. I think you are taking all the steps you should be to deal with this and your reactions are just fine – don’t let anyone tell you differently or rush you through your grieving. Sending lots of love and support your way xo