Post # 1
Sorry to rant, but I had to come & put this somewhere as I am really angry about the whole situation just now & also rather embarrassed…
I am MOH for a dear friend this August 2010, and she is one of my bridesmaids for my wedding in July 2011. We have known her wedding date since Jan 2010, so a good couple of months, and we have also know that my fiance was invited along with me. So her invites came out about 2 weeks ago – my fiance had mentioned before that he was worried about getting the day off for her wedding as it is on a Friday, he is in the military & on some silly course that week & had been banned from taking leave. So we just said he would talk to his boss & sort it out, how often does one of your best friend’s weddings come round?
So last week he says he thinks he is ok with having the day off because he had moved the course date, but he needed to confirm with someone else today. Now today he tells me that he can’t come at all, not to the day or the evening part of the wedding, beause they have moved some other silly course to that week. He is going to Afgan in Jan for the first time & has to train up, so this course is for that – but it is in August, the day of the wedding is the last day of the course (albeit 600 miles away but easily flyable the morning of the wedding) so I really really don’t see that it will make much difference for him to miss the last morning of the course. I know I am being an absolute pain, but I am so very very angry about this right now , but I don’t know what at! I’m also very embarrassed that as MOH, my fiance isn’t coming to the wedding – I just feel really rude in this whole situation & I’m fed up of the military being so intolerant of life outside the military.
I don’t know what to do on this one. He can’t come, so I just have to tell the bride. I am angry at him, embarrassed to tell her & very fed up of the military – and scared how angry I am about this as I know it often comes up with his job and I just resent this. Any wise words please? I really need to calm down.
Post # 3
Not to be a debbie downer, but you should get used to stuff like that if you are marrying a military man.
Your friend will understand that your FI can’t be there. Your FI is doing a great service for our country, so him not being at the wedding is NOTHING to be embarressed about. You should be proud of him and understand that with the job comes lots of uncertainty.
Post # 4
First, he is training to protect our country and help restore peace over there. Second, you probably knew about this before you decided to be in a serious relationship with him. Third, there is nothing to be embarrassed about. I really don’t understand why you should be. I am sure your friend will totally understand. The military is intolerent for a reason. Your FI has to be totally focused on his training because if he doesn’t learn it, he may end up dead. When he goes to Afgan, he will have to be prepared, so he can come home safe to you. If you can’t tolerate his life in the military, then I think you need to rethink your relationship with him and either come to terms with it, or separate from him before he leaves in January.
Post # 5
oh been there girl – earlier when i was a military SO and now that my FH is a cop – many a times i have made plans and he said it was ok because he could get someoen to switch with him or somethign and he ends up having to work. my friends know this expect this and understand this. as a future military spouse you will have to be comfortable going to things alone sometimes. no one will hold it against you if your FH isnt there due to work issues.
i know it sucks, and i know it is annoying and very inconvienient, but it will work out ok, and you will get used to having to change plans or modify things depending on his schedule. best thing to do is to just go to the wedding and have fun. not much else you CAN do. I am sure he would be there if he could. And you cant really blame him either since would you want him to miss training he needs for deployment? who knows what would be learned in that half day? might end up saving his life overseas.
keep your chin up and be positive and enjoy the time you have with your SO now. i am sure the bride will understand when you tell her about the work issue 🙂
Post # 6
This is one reason why I am sorry to say I discourage people from enlisting in the military if they bring it up with me! My brother is a Marine and the reality is that while you get to feel so proud, it also sucks because he is guaranteed to miss out on a lot of the important parts of life. And I’m talking about life events that are even tons more important than accompanying you to a wedding! How much longer does he owe them (how many years)? Is he as fed up as you are? Is he willing to get out when he gets a chance or is he planning to be a lifer? You are not alone in resenting it, many military wives I know aren’t too happy about giving birth and practically raising their kids on their own, but it’s just the reality of the situation, there isn’t much the military can do to make it better!
Post # 7
im a future military wife… and i know exactly what you feel. Anyone that is not in the military or a mlitary spouse really CANNOT understand the full affect of how you feel. It is SO frustrating. I completely understand that our FI are serving our country and risking their lives, but the mlitary 100% takes advantage of you and basically runs your entire life. I cant even count how many times we’ve had to cancel plans or not be able to go to special events. But that’s military life. People can tell you “you know what your getting yourself into” but come on.. your not going to NOT marry the love of your life bc of his job. That’s silly. My FI has decided to not re-enlist and he is counting down the days till his contract is up (3 more long years). DO not feel embaressed is it perfectly fine to feel frustrated and mad.. you’ll cool down eventually. but rememeber.. it’s not your FI fault. It’s his job. and I’m sure your best friend will understand!
Post # 8
My husband is a pilot and although you would think they had control over their work schedules they DON’T! In fact there has been lots of birthdays, holidays and even weddings that I’ve attended solo. My cousin got married and I was the BM and my FI couldn’t come. I didn’t get mad at him because it was out of his control. He tried to get his schedule changed but it just isn’t easy to do. They bid for vacation time at the beginning of each year so it is hard to predict what days you need off.
So I do understand your frustration. But don’t be mad at him. He is probably just as mad and you don’t want him to be upset and mad at his job. You need to tell your friend that he can’t make it due to training but that this means you’ll have more time to help her with her wedding day!
Post # 9
Oh man…I’ve been with my Army guy for over 2 years now (married 6 months) and trust me I have soooooooooooooooooooooo many examples of how the Army has changed dates back and forth a bazillion times (which has been very costly). Here are several things to keep in mind:
1) Your FI’s commanders don’t give a hoot about a friend’s wedding. Infact, if your FI were to make a big deal about getting that day off, it could reflect poorly on him. ESPECIALLY if they are deploying. And the last thing you want is him to be on his leader’s bad side.
2) You absolutely do not want your FI to skip out on training, no matter how minute it seems. Not to be blunt, but he is training to go to war and in six months he’ll be there. Every little bit of training is crucial to his safety and the safety of his fellow soldiers. And if he were to skip the training without permission, BIG BIG BIG trouble for him.
3) Even though it’s an easy flight, the military won’t look at it that way. I’m sure you’ve been through the hassle of weekend passes. Trying to get a weekend pass for anything over 90 miles away from post can be a BIG pain in the rear end.
4) Most importantly, as hard as it may seem, just roll through the punches. My husband once said that when I married him, I married into the military. It’s so true. Your life, in a way, is no longer your life. As long as your FI is military, you will work around their schedule…sad but true. Learning to deal with it just comes with time. Thankfully, we have places like weddingbee to vent and relate! Good luck 🙂
P.S. Try not to be too upset about the BF’s wedding. It could be worse. One month before my wedding and my now husband still hadn’t been able to get his leave dates for the wedding approved…BIG STRESS.
Post # 10
First off as someone who was in the military the courses you are sent to are not “silly courses”. They are there to teach you things that will save your life. I would think since he is going to Afgan you would want him to know how to stay safe. If you are going to marry him you need to learn how to support him and understand that the military is a 24 hour job not a 9-5 job. It is something you are going to need to accept if you are going to last as a military spouse. Things in the military change fast. When I was in there were tons of wedding, family vacations and events that I missed because I had to work.
Post # 11
This is a hard one…but…
I spent 10 years in the Military, and my FI is still in. The military IS NOT A JOB, it’s a WAY OF LIFE. And the “silly” courses he’s taking will keep him safe.
Do you think maybe the issue is not that he’s missing the wedding, but the fact that the deployment is coming up and you’re getting anxious?
I hope you and your FI have discussed his future status in the military because it can be taxing, but extremely rewarding if you make the decision together.
Post # 12
Maybe I’m the only one to say this but… COME ON!! Just because she is getting frustrated does NOT mean she does not support her FI. It sounds like she is being lectured (by some) for turning her back on her country. I have been with my BF for 5 years and he is army. Let me tell you. IT”S HARD!! Until you have experienced, like everything else, you have no idea. We need somewhere to vent. And I thought that this is what these boards were for? Give the girl a break. She may just need someone to listen. She knows she has no choice in the matter but that doesn’t make it any easier. MY BF is at Fort Sill for 5 months right now and again IT’S HARD!! Yes it can get frustrating because you can’t plan a damn thing when he is military.
Post # 13
@sdjurado84: I can definitely see your point, but from my point of view, I am being supportive. You know how hard it is, I know how hard it is..Anybody that has a SO in the military knows how hard it is. However, I did not get to where I am now because people sugar coated military life. I handled my words with the OP like my husband handled me when I was new to the military. I’m able to handle being an Army wife because my husband did a dang good job of wipping me into shape, so to speak. It was a hard reality check the first time I boo hoo’d about a fielld problem and my DH told me to suck it up and stop complaining. I know better than complain about field problems because I know that hard training makes easy combat (figuratively, ofcourse). Not to mention, when I complain, it makes things just 10 times worse on my husband. In my way, the words I said were supportive. If the OP were to come here and vent and we all say “it’s ok sweetie. The CO’s should understand and your FI should skip the drills” would we be doing her any favors? No, we would be making things so much harder on her. When my DH was in Iraq I never ever ever complained or let him know how hard/bad things got back at home because I knew distraction could cause injury or death. Their focus has to be 100% on work. I think also the reason I may have come down hard on the OP is because her husband skipping out on training just doesn’t effect him, it effects all of his fellow soldiers. Hopefully my husband is done with his deployments, but heaven forbid if he has to go over there again, the last thing I want to hear about is another wife complaining about training…because that training may be what gets my husband back home alive. And whether or not you agree with the rest of the things I said, if you have had a SO deploy, you can definitely understand that.
Post # 14
But she not complaining to her husband/ FI. She confiding in us. I think the best we can do is listen and give support. Not lecture her on why she shouldn’t be complaining. I’m sure she knows what she getting into. The military is not a bed of roses. But she has the right to say whatever she wants. Isn’t that why they fight? For our rights? She is just venting. I didn’t say everyone was getting on her. Just a few. Please don’t push down the rights of the loved ones just because the soldiers took the oath.
There’s nothing worse than someone suffering ALONE because everyone tells them to suck it up and move on. That just makes things worse.
Post # 15
@sdjurado84: i think it was the middle paragraph where she doesnt understand why he cant just skp the very end of training, that leads most of us that have been in the situation to try and get her to understand you cant just skip out on training like that and while yes it sucks you have to get real about it.
not trying to be hateful or anything or not supportive, but you have to be realistic in military relationships. its hard. no way to sugar coat that, and the sooner that she realizes that when you love a military man, her life is no longer all her own the easier it will be down the road.
it was one of the reasons my ex-fiance and i fell apart, but look at me a glutton for punishment marrying a cop now with the same issues with his schedule. *sigh*
but at least now i am better equipped to deal with the issues that come up.
I would suggest the OP pick up the book “married to the military” http://www.amazon.com/Married-Military-Survival-Girlfriends-Uniform/dp/0743255542
it was a awesome resource for when was with my ex.
Post # 16
You totally have to learn to roll with the punches. This sort of stuff will come up constantly, I kid you not. ESPECIALLY with pre-deployment training. Everything jsdragonfly is true–it sucks, but you can’t really change the situation. My husband has missed weddings, the birth of his nephew, almost his sister’s wedding–and trust me, the army didn’t give a rat’s ass. He’s on THEIR schedule. It sucks, but it just comes with the job. When one of my good friends got married on a Saturday, the groom’s brother/best man got deployed on a Wednesday, very suddenly and last minute. Such is life in the military
He’ll miss your best friend’s wedding, but think about all the things he’ll miss when he’s deployed. It comes with the territory and you’ll have to get used to attending things and events solo. People will understand. In fact, people you don’t even know will come up to you, shake your hand, and tell you to thank your husband for his service.
Look at it this way–the wedding is for YOUR friend, not his. He’s going to be supportive of you and your friend. What about all his friend’s weddings he’ll miss? Those are a big bummer–I attended all of my friend’s weddings alone that year. But DH didn’t get to attend any of his buddy’s weddings. It is what it is
You really have to just be flexible. Have a glass of wine, and make the best of it.