Post # 1
I need some advice and I think this is a god place to start.
I have been married a month today and even tho I I love my husband , I don’t know why I’m so engr and sad all the time.
It started with the planning and we fought a lot , mostly about money and guest list. Saying how my parents have gone over board and invited way too many people etc..always blaming my parents. Near the near, we had more declines than expected and IMHO my parents list helped us and he even wanted to invite more people – um, no its only a few weeks before the wedding. (note I didnt mind the declines because I guess the smaller the better – I guess I’m an introvert where he’s an extrovert). overall to me, he took the fun out of the wedding for me.
Sometimes I feel like he’s controlling me (not in a sense of abuse) but if I say I don’t like this or or want this, he steps up says his opinion like his way is right. And it’s usually km a stern voice almost like mad.
The other I cane home from work and I enjoy going on the iPad or what ever. And he commented that’s all I ever do. I’m sorry but after work I enjoy relaxing during the week. How is any different when he watches TV all night. When the dog wants to go out, it’s always him whining to me to take him out. Majority it’s me taking the dog for walks – morning, after work and before bed time.
As I’m writing this I feel like I have no reason to me mad all the time and I just don’t know why I’m just mad all the time. This past weekend we barely spoke to each other. Maybe it is the buildup of everything or I don’t feel appreciated when he constantly asks me to do stuff . I don’t know.
I don’t know how to get rid of this anger or sad. I’m scared to talk to him because he’ll spin and make it sound it’s all my fault, another reason why our communication suck became if I tell him how I feel , he’ll spin it around how it’s my fault and my opinion doesn’t matter.
Does any one ever felt this way before? I’m not sure what to do. I want to feel better about myself and I just need some outside advise.
I am not thinking of ending this marriage incase someone is thinking that)
Thanks for listening
Post # 2
thelittleone: SOrry you are feeling so sad! I think it’s quite normal to have some kind of a come down straight after your wedding! I certainly felt a little blue after the elation of it all! Obviously SO happy to be married to my best friend and so excited for our future and journey but also pretty low once the amazingness of the wedding was over!<br />I think with anythingm when u become married its a period of adjustment once all the excitement of the actual wedding day is over! yes its all about the marriage and yes its so exciting and incredible to be married and be on that wonderful journey together, but like everything it cant always be hearts and flowers!
Im reading a book called “What no one tells the bride”By Meg Stark, its a really light hearted sweet book about adjusting to a new marriage- its a good read!
Don’t beat yourself up! I think what u are feeling is perfectly natural and alot of people go through it! xx
Post # 3
Aww, I can understand why you are angry. It sounds like you’re feeling controlled by your husband, and you seem like the type of person who avoids confrontation to keep the peace. Do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells a bit and unsure of his mood? Doing what you can to avoid fights and keep the peace? Control can be subtle (e.g., making you feel guilty, having unreasonable expectations and standards for you). It doesn’t have to be blatantly abusive or extreme to be control.
I’ve had some of this dynamic in my marriage and have been married for over 2 years. What I can say is that it’s taken my husband a while to see that he can be critical and controlling — but he is willing to change and admit faults/blind spots, and so am I. At the beginning of our marriage, I didn’t speak up as much as I should have — he had ways he wanted things done and was very vocal, and could speak in a firm voice, because his family speaks to each other that way about their opinions. I would stuff my feelings and opinions on many things, and try to wait to bring them up at other times. I knew I had to be true to myself and honest in our marriage — I didn’t want to live a lie or not really participate in the marriage! But it took time to figure out how to go about that and balance things out. At first I would tell him I had some things to discuss but we needed to go out to a coffee shop (or some other public place) so that we did not fight and could discuss respectfully. I also tried writing him calm, well-thought out letters, which really would get through to him (because that was less emotional and prevented conversations from escalating to a fight — and I could get all of my thoughts out without interruption). I didn’t hit below the belt or call names in the letters — I just discussed behaviour and feelings.
Anyway, over time, the power dynamics in our relationship have improved a ton. I have gotten better about standing up for myself and speaking my mind, and sometimes it still does become an argument, but our ways of fighting have gotten much more fair and respectful and quicker to resolve. I feel much less angry, closer to DH, and much more “real” and true to who I really am in our marriage, instead of suppressing myself or my thoughts to keep the peace (which is so not worth it).
These are early days in your marriage, so it won’t always be a piece of cake. It will probably take time to work things out, and you will just have to keep working at it. Don’t be discouraged or feel like your headed for the end if it’s tough going for a while, but DO make sure you talk to your DH about this dynamic — don’t accuse him because that will make him defensive — but talk about how the dynamic bothers you, and how you feel when he says/does the various things. Maybe ask him what is driving him or on his mind when he does the things that bother you.
Counseling after marriage is always a good idea as well. Most couples have a lot of adjusting to do. GL!
Post # 4
It sounds to me that maybe you’re just irritated in general? Maybe things he use to do that didn’t bug you, are starting to get on your nerves? He shouldn’t be criticizing you on how you spend your time though. But it sounds like maybe you two just need to have a good talk.
Did you two live together before the wedding? It sounds a lot like you two are going through the “adjustment” phase.
Post # 5
thelittleone: I definitely believe you should pick your battles but I also believe that ANYTHING should be able to be discussed in an appropriate way. It bothers me to hear that he turns things around on you and that you are refraining from speaking about the things that are bothering you. That is not healthy in a relationship. That being said you both have to decide how you can talk about these things in a way that is beneficial for you both. I think with the Ipad situation maybe he said that out of hurt- like by pointing out that was all you ever do maybe in turn it meant he missed spending time with you. The issue with a lot of things is instead of just being upfront the person will say things that will definitely cause a reaction- but its never going to get them the result they want. The issue with not speaking to him is you are also not going to get anywhere. I am going to take a guess and say the reason you feel like you are mad all the time is that you arent speaking up. If you are anything like me, the only way you will feel better is if you guys talk about things. Each relationship is different so you have to decide what works for the two of you. For us, a lot of fights are stopped when we actually ask questions to clarify what the other person meant. We moved recently and FI isnt the best with directions/remembering places but I was passenger and on my phone trying to find a restaurant since we were hungry and he actually said similiar to your guy “you are always on your phone” and I was like… “ok…….. I havent been on the phone all day but am looking up restaurants why does it bother you” him-” i dont know the area and could use your help so its frustrating when you are on the phone” me- “all you have to do is say that and ask me to help”. It was seriously the most simple solution in that case. I am a firm believer that someone should be able to tell you what it is that bothered them and offer a different approach/solution that wouldnt have bothered them. I would also suggest in situations where he tries to turn things around on you to just have a go to statement “I want to talk to you about things that bother me but saying that its my fault does not make this situation go away or get better. I am not blaming you for being the cause of this problem and I do not want to be blamed either but I do want to be able to find a solution together which is the only reason why I brought this up”.
Post # 6
thelittleone: Since it sounds like counseling may not be in the cards right now, might I suggest talking to him. I think a compromise for you two, sin ce you seem to always walk the dog and he doesn’t like when you’re on the iPad, maybe take the evening walk together with your dog. Then you aren’t on the iPad and he has to help with the dog, but you spend some time together as well.
In our house we have a no technology rule after 8 that DH and I agreed on. You can include TV in that (although we watch TV together), but perhaps you guys can ste a rule like that so you can spend more time doing something together.
Sounds like you guys just need to work on communication without blame and judgement. Counseling would be a great benefit, but if you don’t want to go there, try compromising and setting some rules/guidelines to try to spend more time together.
Post # 7
Can you try starting the conversation with: I want us to prioritise our marriage and work on it, do you also think that this is important? If so, what are three things I could do to make our marriage better right now? Then you say your three things. Make this a back and forth, not just all about how you are feeling.
You see his TV watching as lazy after work, it’s possible he thinks that you “started it” with the iPad and he’s just doing it back to you – stupid petty stuff that needs to be talked about equally.
Post # 8
thelittleone: I can’t blame you for how you feel. The way he treats you is inappropriate & turning things around on you to blame you is 100% abuse. When is he always right & you are always wrong (unless you agree with him), you are dealing with abuse. You should not be constantly worried about expessing your feelings. Please protect yourself emotionally.
Post # 9
just wanted to say thank you for listeing and responding. We have talked since and things are better. I know I need to communicate better and respond better other than my one word answers.
We have lived together for about three years now and that was a challenge and a learning experience but we got thru it.