Post # 1
Words to the newly engaged bees– don’t pick your bridal party early. I’m sure many will agree that things change and maybe those same girls who you thought would be your friends forever aren’t as true as you think.
I have 2 girls in the party who at this moment, I pretty much am not speaking to. The thing is– I don’t know why! I have tried to communicate and ask them if something is wrong, why we’re no longer close and what we can do to change things. I have reached out. I have done everything that I feel like I can and still nothing in return. I honestly believe we’ve just grown apart. It seems like too much resentment and negative feelings are there.
A little back story, one of my BMs was a friend that wasn’t friends with my other BMs.. until this year. Let’s call her Bridesmaid or Best Man1. Now they are all best friends and I often feel pretty left out and hurt. I have expressed this thinking she’d be a little more understanding and sensative to my feelings, but no dice. Seems like she intentionally tries to bring up that she is now close to all my close college friends. Granted I do live a couple hours away but I do see and talk to them often.
I had been feeling like our friendship has been suffering and tried to hash it out, bring it up and work it out. Everytime I try, she says everything is fine and doesn’t really acknowledge anything is up BUT why for no reason is she being so cold and hurtful? Well now not only is she being distant and cold but another Bridesmaid or Best Man is too. They have gotten extremely close and now I feel like perhaps Bridesmaid or Best Man1 has said something things to Bridesmaid or Best Man2 and they have decided to just not like me anymore.
I FINALLY said something to Bridesmaid or Best Man1 like what’s going on? What did I do? why are you acting like this and we got into a huge thing. We haven’t really spoken since. She left a FB message here and there since we just bought our first home but no meaningful contact. I usually am the one to reach out but at this point I’ve really had enough. I’m tired. I just don’t have the energy to guess how she’s feeling or what the issue is this time. Did I mention she’s just a super moody person in general?
Bottom line– what do I do? Dresses have been bought, my shower is coming up soonish and I feel like why should I have these 2 women in my bridal party who I feel don’t even like me anymore. I feel like they are just going along with it because they don’t want to ruffle feathers and be the ones to pull the trigger, why would I want someone who doesn’t want to be there? I understand the whole, I asked them so I will not go back on my word and would never “kick” them out but if it was simple and I had to choose now, they would not be in the wedding to be honest. I know they haven’t done anything really wrong to warrent being kicked out other than really just not be a friend at all.
So do I bring it up seperately and ask them if they still would like to be a part of it giving them an out? Do I let time heal? Do I ignore it all and pray it works out? Just at a loss because I feel like I have done everything I can to be adult and communicate. I feel like I’m not in high school anymore and don’t want to be a part of caddy head games.
Thanks for reading and letting me vent.
Post # 3
I’d say check in with them and tell them you’ve noticed they haven’t been around much and ask them if they’re still interested, and let them know it’s okay if they’re not (you can use whatever excuse you want; you know things are busy, you know times are hard, whatever) and see what they say. If things are as you mention, I think they’ll appreciate the out.
Post # 4
wait, I’m confused….your wedding isn’t until 2012 and the bridesmaid dresses have been bought already??
As for their behavior, I would try to go out for like a girls’ dinner, maybe some one on one time which each girl, and try and find out what’s going on. It seems weird that they would just start acting that way out of no where…
Post # 5
Hmm.. If I were you I would wait and see how the shower goes. Because sometimes BM’s can seem unsupportive behind the scenes b/c they have a lot of other things gonig on, but at an actual wedding event they pull themselves together b/c their intentions are good at the end of the day. Walk into your shower assuming you have their full support and if it unfortunately does not go well, then I would have a cutting conversation, using the shower to bring it up.
I think what is happening to you is quite common among BM’s, especially single ones. They tend to group together and since most of the conversations are happening behind the scenes, there are a lot of inside jokes and get togethers that don’t involve the bride. So it can tend to make it seem worse than it actually is.
Really, I am a strong believer that most single women tend to be jealous of women with a SO, especially if they are engaged or married. I was shunned at work b/c I was engaged, the females my age won’t even talk to me and I think it’s because they are all single or dating guys who won’t commit.
Post # 6
sorry fake wedding date and user name since it’s kinda sensative.
And it’s not really out of no where, it’s been over this whole year. It getting worse and worse and we’re falling further and further away. Hard to explain since it has been one blow up or event, just seems like there is a lot of issues that haven’t been resolved or discussed (not for a lack of trying on my end) and resentment is just building and building.
EDIT ADD: I totally agree about the jealousy thing. Bridesmaid or Best Man1 is single and miserable. I definitely think it’s where it’s coming from. She has a lot of insecurities/confidence issues and I think could really benefit from counseling. Bridesmaid or Best Man2 is married but she’s a miserable person in general. Both are uber moody so it makes sense they’re friends now. But for me… not so good since it’s double the attitude and I’m sure they fuel each other. They’re pretty confrontational and I’m not so much.
Post # 7
Wow – did you read my mind when you wrote this post? I am in so similar a situation, it is freaky. However my Bridesmaid or Best Man1 hasn’t bought her dress yet…
I am meeting her for lunch this week and hopefully we will get it to where we are on the same page – whatever the outcome may be. I suggest you talk with each of your BMs seperately and really have a heart to heart about how you and she are feeling.
Best of luck!
Post # 8
ok so if I do discuss with each one seperately– how do I do it? I live 3 hours away so I don’t see them much face to face. I know you’re all going to suggest to do it face to face but not sure if that’s feasible. Is a phone call ok? email a no-no? Last time I tried to call each one seperately to discuss is something was wrong or I felt they were being cold, both said nothing was wrong and made some lame excuse up… I think because they didn’t want to start anything.
In my heart of hearts I believe both no longer want to be in the wedding but to not cause drama (did I mention all 3 of us are in another wedding next month?!) they are just ignoring it. I feel as though after the wedding, I no longer want to put the energy into these friendships but can’t do anything about it because of the other wedding we’re all in together… I was actually told by the bride in so many words not to do anything before her wedding cause she didn’t want drama. I’d think it’d be more a relief for all of us.
Thanks for the advice so far…
Post # 9
Do we have the same friends? I feel like your story is exactly like mine. At the end of the day, the people who stand with you should love you and your Fiance and be happy for your decision to get married.
Chances are that you won’t be putting time and energy into them after the wedding, so why are you doing it now? Also, I think your other friend who is getting married should understand your decision.
It’s not going to go well (and mine actually refused to talk to me via phone, so I had to do it in an e-mail), and it will be sad at first (people keep saying, oh that’s too bad, you’ve been friends for so long), but ultimately, you need to do what makes you happy. True friends would be nothing but supportive during this time in your life.
Post # 10
thanks so much for the words hot chilli and everyone who’s responded. It really helps to know I am not alone… seems like quite a few bees have gone through this. It’s definitely hard but I think you may be on to something. At the end of the day, you’re right, nothing should have to be faked or forced and only people who truly love us to be a part of the day.. I don’t really want to look back on my wedding day and regret anything or resent them or feel anything negative. I don’t really think I should have to settle. Thanks for the support bees!
Post # 12
Wow. I had the same situation. KICK THEM OUT!!!! On my wedding day, one of the so called “friends” acted super bored the whole day of my wedding. She complained about the photographer being unprofessional and amateur, texted and twittered, was the only girl to not buy new shoes or even wear dressy shoes, left after the ceremony without telling me, and was just a debbie-downer. The other girl was a little more enthusiastic but it would have been an even better day without them.
I thought the same thing you do….they’ve purchased their dresss so it’s too late to let them go. WRONG! If they don’t care about your friendship and you in general then don’t care about their wallet. This is my personal experience.
Single girls and even girls that are in relationships can be bitter and jealous. They’re also not real friends. I had to learn the hard way and now when I look at my wedding pictures it just makes me even more mad. Kick them out.
Post # 13
i had the same problem-kick them out. you only get to do this once. i kicked out 2 bms and a moh and i am gladdddd idid. I had a gut instinct about their shifty attitudes and behavior and just said i was going to be making some cuts bc my fiance went ballistic when he realized how many girls i had. so it was early enough at that time our wedding was 2 years out. I just politely said sorry everyone i really rushed the bm thing and my fiance is bugging so we will pick our bms together and let you know for sure who is going to be asked to be in our wedding. so i booted his sister, my ex-friend lisa, and ex-bf christina. my instincts were correct! within time..LISA proved to be the biggest a-hole ever. we worked together and when i lost my job she proceeded to talk about me to co-workers and bash me to my old boss..nice fake friend, his SISTER and i got into it and she ends up calling me a fat bitch who should eat a twinkie and take a xanax…nice inlaws, and my moh christina eventually called my wedding a complete JOKE and went on to say horrible things about me and was the most selfish db i had ever known…funny weddings bring out the worst in bitter lonely ppl who are quite jealous. i have since replaced them with 2 old highschool friends who are awesome and supportive and replaced my moh with MY SISTER who although not very etiquette and wedding knowledge inclined…should have been my moh the whole time. so i say kick them out!
Post # 14
I’m so sorry. You must feel hurt. Yeah, keeping them in the wedding seems a bit masochistic. Hope you find a way to enjoy this special time and surround yourself with loving and supportive people. This is supposed to be your superfunhappytime. My coworker coined it and I use it as a mantra when I feel stressed: super-fun-happy-time.
Don’t accept this kind of treatment. It is total bitterness and jealousy. I know because I felt jealous when my friends were getting married. Anyone does. It’s natural. But for crying out loud, never show the bride! To your BMs I say “Suck it up!! Where’s your heart? This is her super fun happy time!!”
Post # 15
Well ladies, I can reveal my identity! haha Here’s the update: it all came to a head and they are no longer in the wedding or my friends. I’m sure they’ll even read this because they found and read what I wrote previously and understandably were upset/hurt but you know what? I’m glad they did to be honest, it finally got them to talk and address the issue and stop pretending. Though I’m sorry it hurt them to read what I was feeling, I stand by it. It was not okay LONG before I wrote what I wrote on here and they didn’t want to acknowledge or work on it then so it got to the point where it is today, bitter and nasty. But time heals and I am definitely ready to move on and put energy in friendships and relationships that are worth it, not fake ones. It was a long time coming, it’s just been finally put out of it’s misery.
Thanks for all the support. You all truly understand because you’ve been there or there right now. It seems that so many of you have gone through this similar situation. And though hard at the time, it always seems like it’s for the best. Thanks for the encouragement.
Post # 16
I was just looking for this to find out what happened!
I’m glad it worked out in the end. Oh and By The Way – my Bridesmaid or Best Man scheduled a trip for herself and wont even be in the country during my wedding…so I didn’t officially ‘debridesmaid’ her because she did that herself.