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I get that too. Maybe because i always picked the jerks before - no one expected me to date a wonderful man!!! BUT STILL - keep your half joking, half rude comments to yourself. "Are you sure?" is my favorite.... No, I'm not sure, i just thought wasting thousands of dollars and inviting everyone to watch would be a great way to find out!?! I mean seriously... WTH??
It's too early for me this morning, but one of these fiesty ladies is BOUND to have a great comeback for you to use.
OMG I get these comments all the time. Mostly people talking to themselves, but directed at me like a big eyeroll followed by some quip about how terrible marriage is. I know what they're saying has nothing to do with me, mostly because they are also people who have never met FH or seen us together. And they are all either divorced or unhappily married. It still makes me furious because these people have absolutely no manners or tact, making these comments to a woman who is about to walk down the aisle. I usually just give them a pitiful look and change the subject or walk away.
Smack 'em upside the head! They're just haters ;)
But for real, I have had a few of these comments, mostly the "enjoy being single while you can" stuff, which is pretty ridic, because obviously I did NOT enjoy being single, duh, that's why I am so much happier now and getting married. Silly.
I used to get those about dating! But mostly from women who have had really bad experiences with relationships or just are not huge fans of men. (Since my mother is one of the latter, I am a little nervous about her reaction to our engagement...)
In the past I have just ignored them. However, if they kept saying these things to me shortly before my wedding I might ask them to stop. Maybe something like, "I am sorry you feel that way, but I am excited to be marrying my best friend no matter what happens in the future, and I would appreciate it if you would not be so negative (or if you would be supportive)."
If I think of anything a little snappier, I will let you know. Good luck!
Well can you blame them? They obviously had bad experiences, and seeing you get married, makes them relive them. So unfortuantely they feel marriage is prison etc. In their own way, they are probably feeling like they want to save you from a mistake.
Feel bad for them. Pray for them. Let it roll off your back. But don't let it bring you down. Use their experience as a lesson on how to avoid the same fate.
Before I walked down the aisle on my wedding day, my dad said to me "It's not too late.". He said it jokingly to help calm my nerves, and I brushed it off, but whoa it was the wrong thing to say at that moment and for a split second I wondered if he wasn't joking and how he felt about my husband. I've never told me husband that in case he takes it the wrong way.
Lots of other people have made those types of cynical comments about marriage and divorce - even random people like the restaurant server at my best friend's bachelorette party! It's annoying for sure, but the best thing to do is just brush it off and not think about it. Don't let it kill the buzz!
I dont understand why people feel the need to comment on other people's happiness.
When i see other people happy or having a good time, I say hey! good for them. At least they found something or someone that they enjoy being with or doing so much that they dont ever want to lose them or it.
I think most of the time its bitter people who like you mentioned are either divorced or permenatley single. LOL
I say make believe like you are listening, this is easy, just nod your head up and down and laugh a little.
But let it go from one ear out the other. LOL
Hope this helps and even though i dont know you, I am ECSTATIC that you are getting married.
It is annoying, but I think that as a society, we have made that an acceptable joke. TV shows focus on how married life is this constant annoyance. Somehow, the powers that be all joined together and decided marriage is the butt of a joke.
I don't think anyone intends to be hurtful. I don't even think people are necessarily bitter or jealous. It is almost just a knee-jerk response these days to make some sort of a ball-and-chain joke when the subject of marriage is brought up.
Some people just think it's funny to razz people about to be married. My husband's co workers kept telling him 'it all changes once you're married' or 'it's all downhill once you're married'. Little do they know we were together 8 years already, so whatever 'change' that was gonna happen.....did about 5 years ago.
If they are serious, just say something like 'thanks for your concern, but I'm happy I'm getting married'. If they are 'joking', say something like 'they say all jokes are rooted in truth. Sorry you feel that way'. That will shut them up real fast.
They probably don't even realize what they are doing. But that's like telling a pregnant woman 'Wow you're making a mistake in having children'. Just so rude and irrelevant.
Some people just really don't think before they speak. My guess is that the same people who are insensitive about this topic are insensitive about a lot of other topics! They just don't know when to keep their thoughts to themselves. It's like that saying, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all!"
Thanks girls. These are good points. I've definitely tried to not let it get to me, but even if they are unhappy, it's not a reason for them to voice it to me. It's pretty inappropriate. Like telling a pregnant woman all of the complications that could take place. Could it happen? Yes. Is it possible it happened to someone she knows? Yes. Is it necessary to tell her that when she is excited about it? Seriously...no.
I agree with the comments here. A lot of people feel the need to add their two cents based on either their own bad experiences or current unhappiness. Also, I think it's true like others here have said, marriage has become a joke in our society on sitcoms, in movies, in stand-up acts, etc. Perhaps in a weird way, people feel like joking with you about it, although negative, is a way to relate to you by saying "welcome to the club" in kind of a weird way, or simply relating to you with humor. Also, our society isn't very "lovey-dovey" and many people are uncomfortable with the deep emotion that comes along with the seriousness of marriage. Perhaps it's easier for them to just make a joke instead of inserting themselves into something so deep and true between you and your FI by discussing real emotion. I don't know, those are just guesses, but ignore the negative nancies, surround yourself with those who are truly happy for you and your excited buzz will come right back!
I wasn't getting this from family, but I got it a LOT from coworkers. I work in an office with mostly young people (i.e. ages 22-early 30's), and they were nice about my engagement when it happened, and the eventual wedding, but I also heard a lot of snarky comments like, "She's crazy to get married so young" and "I'm never getting married, I'm totally independent." Mind you, I'm 26, so it's not like I'm a fetus walking down the aisle or anything. These things didn't hurt my feelings by any means because I'm not close to my coworkers, but it did kind of make me feel bad for them. I never thought I would be one of those people who pitied single people (my cousins are all in their 30s and never married, and I don't have opinions either way on it because they're always supportive of my relationships, and I of theirs). But these people were just really open about their feelings on marriage and weddings.
They all threw me a nice little surprise office send-off before I left for my wedding, and it was nice and thoughtful and much appreciated, but the entire time while minging I heard behind my back, "I'll marry myself when I'm 40 and register for shoes like Carrie Bradshaw!" and stuff. I honestly don't think they mean anything by it, but it really makes me think that deep down, they're jealous, and there's nothing wrong with that. I just wish people would be more sensitive all around about these things.
Oh well. I feel your pain. I say just let it roll off your back, accept that these people are just jealous and trying to make themselves feel better, and put on a happy face and tell them how much you appreciate their support.
Oh yes, I got that in the beginning from a couple of people who, between them, had been married and divorced five times. I think that there are some people whose dispositions are inclined towards marriage, and I think I'm one of them, and I think they're not. There's nothing wrong with that, but I'd rather they keep their comments to themselves.
Eventually I told the woman, "you know, I'm really happy and there isn't a thing you can say to make me change my mind". She never said anything about my engagement again.
If I heard someone tell me they would never get married, I'd think I'm sad for you because you probably have some chip on your shoulder.
I usually picture people saying that with some sort of disdain in their voice, like they have some unhealthy image of marriage. (Or they are lying and are jealous.)
I wouldn't let those comments make you feel bad. feel bad for the other person.
I absolutely detest when people make comments like this.
Before I got married, one of the vendors who comes into my office (he's married) kept saying, "It's not gonna last. You should jump ship now and save yourself all that money."
He comes in yesterday and says, "When you get smart and decide to leave your husband you should give me a call." I laughed but the he gave me this look that said he was serious. I was shocked.
It hasn't been the first time someone has made a comment like this and I'm sure it won't be the last.
Just keep smiling and let the comments roll off your back. Bitter and cynical people will always be just that... Bitter and cynical.
As soon as I started feeling better after all of your comments, my coworker just made a special trip to sing Another One Bites the Dust to me after she asked how many days were left. So sweet.
Yick.
I'm a fan of being really direct with people when they're poorly behaved.
"I'm not sure why you think it's appropriate to comment on my choices/patronize me this way, but I find it really insensitive. I would never dream of critiquing your personal life."
Of course, if it's family or close friends snarking you can be more subtle. They probably don't realize how incredibly hurtful these comments are because, as most people have pointed out, they're caught up in themselves.
I know. I mean, it's not like everyone in the world has to be as thrilled as we all are that we're getting married, but come on, keep rude comments to yourselves! People are such idiots sometimes, like have zero social graces whatsoever...like in telling someone your mom has cancer, and they proceed to tell you about all the people they know who have died from cancer. learn some effing manners and social skills, people!!!
I didn't read everyone's replies. I had a few friends like this... though most of them were married... but they married young and I question if there were really that happy in their relationship.
Try not to listen to these people because you are making the right choice for yourself, sure not everything is a happy ending but at least you can try to be happy and hopeful right now. ^_^
Good luck! You will be happy and being married will be great!
....*sigh* seriously? She actually did that?
I know that they feel that this is light hearted banter and to a certain extent I think that's just fine. But there is a line here between good humored and plain old inappropriate or worse, annoying. In my opinion that co worker is coming very close to crossing it. It may be time to say "hey, you know I'm really happy about this and I can appreciate if you've got a negative opinion of marriage, but I don't".
In the meantime, just sit back and keep thinking of all the good times ahead with your HUSBAND.
I think you just have to let it roll off your back. Like I said before, somewhere along the line, marriage jokes became the social norm. It's fine to reply to the comments in a friendly way that implies they are being annoying and that you are in fact happy and excited. But I really don't think anyone has ill intentions. I wouldn't come back with a snippy response, like some people are suggesting, when a lot of your coworkers probably think what they are saying is totally innocuous.
I am a lawyer and I am from New Jersey. I cannot introduce myself to anyone in this country without it turning into a joke. Lawyers!? New Jersey!? It's a goldmine of material. These people have never been to Jersey, so what they are saying isn't based on opinion. I certainly don't think it comes from a place of bitterness or jealousy over the fact that they, themselves, do not have the pleasure of living in New Jersey. But for some reason, people hear "New Jersey" and think "I have to make a lame joke!"
I think it is the same with marriage. People are trying to make small talk so they go for the obvious, albeit lame, joke. I think it is at the very most extremely annoying. But I really don't think it comes from a bad place.
"I'm sorry you've had terrible experiences with marriage. That doesn't mean I will too, and I'm very happy right now. Your comments are hurtful and unneccesary."
I think it's only easy sometimes to let this kind of stuff roll of your back. If it's a person that I did not care about their opinion or really felt like they cared about mine- sure, easy.
But you're right. When it's your family or friends- ouch. If it helps, I usually give myself some positive energy by reminding myself of their ignorance. Also, don't forget that they will eat their words when you and your husband are living happily ever after. :D
Well, if it's any consolation, single people (esp. women) get it pretty bad too. I can't tell you how many people would tell me I couldn't possibly be happy being single and that life wouldn't really begin until I found "the one". Spare me - being single was completely exhilirating and i'm so glad I waited as long as I did to get engaged.
Anyway, some people just want you to be as miserable as they are. Ignore them and appreciate your good fortune.
Can you just ignore it? This is so ridiculous and judgemental and ignorant and bad manners, it is not worth your attention. Shoulders back, chin up, carry on!
I'd also mention that this goes both ways; women are sent mixed messages about marriage all the time. When I was single, it was always some variation of, "Oh, you'll meet someone" or, "Why aren't you married yet?!" from family members or co-workers, or strangers or whatever. Now I get weird comments about getting married!
I imagine after we're married we'll get, "When will you have kids?" Or, if we have kids: "Why are you having them so soon?!" or, "Finally!" followed by more unsolicited advice. Just the way it is, I guess!
We have had some of our friends around us divorce and have tried to learn from their mistakes. Divorce is not an option for us. We know that at some point one of us will want out or consider leaving but we love eachother and we have for 5 years. Don't let people get to you, I believe partly they think its funny and what they "should" be saying. Let it go and have a wonderful marriage!
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While my wedding day is getting closer, I'm getting somehow more calm and more excited with less anxiety. I'm generally very pumped now that so many things are done. I've run into the same stumbling block a few times in the past week: People either joking or being serious about being insane to get married or crazy to think it will last.
Now, these are people who only know me, and they genuinely care about me. They don't know FH, but they are either divorced or never married. I was raised to pay attention to advice and wisdom of my elders, and I still do, but this has become very upsetting. I'm realistic.
I get that things don't work out sometimes and people, for reasons outside of their control, get divorced. But it just seems incredibly unfair to know that I'm getting married really soon and say things like, "You're crazy to get married. Just stay single." or "Enjoy this right now, because...soon...you'll be married." or "I don't know why you're so excited. You have the rest of your life to be married."
This isn't even coming close to deterring me from following through with the wedding to my best friend and clearly the man chosen for me, but it's really killing my wedding buzz, you know? Has anyone else had this happen?