- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
I used to get really frustrated about this, but it seems like the minute I stopped thinking about an engagement....it happened. So all I can say is it will happen when you least expect it. I wasnt expecting it for another year or so. If you truly feel like hes not at that point in his life, and you are, then maybe you should consider other options.
Awww don't get so down and frustrated. I know you don't want to hear this, but if he has no job and no savings... how could he have budgeted better for an e-ring for you? There's nothing wrong with just BEING with him right? Just concentrate on loving your relationship and being grateful for having him in your life. Sounds like he still has a lot of priorities to concentrate on before thinking about marriage... just give him some time. :)
I went through the same thing. We dated for almost 5 years before he proposed. I know now, he wanted a great life for us, not just a ring. I am pretty low-maitnance when it comes to jewelry and other material things so I never understood why he couldn't just make the commitment, but he wanted the best for me. I also agree with the girls that posted earlier. When you are just enjoying your relationship, it happens. Hopefully he finds employment soon and can start saving for the ring and your future!
My parents have managed to be happily married for 30 years...never an engagement ring in sight. They were 21 and poor students, how would they have afforded a ring? Turns out - it doesn't matter at all. If you guys want to get engaged, you should just do it, ring or not. I told my then BF I didn't need a ring, I just wanted to marry him. Maybe you should try this (assuming it's true - I think for most women it would be as it's not the bling that matters at all) and see how the conversation turns out. Good luck, I know how disheartening it can be to wait (I told DH I was ready to marry him a year before he proposed - it was a long year).
What's the story with your relationship? How long have you been together, etc.? If you've been with him for a while and you just don't feel like he's fully committed, or if you think he's just not being responsible enough when it comes to getting his life back on track financially, I don't see anything wrong with you wanting to walk away. Those are big issues.
thanks for all the responses ladies. to answer some of your questions....
1. he has been unemployed for a year. we live in nyc and thing are SUPER EXPENSIVE and there are no jobs. everyone is layiong people off. just how it is right now.
-he is looking. not like he is on his ass loving this life, lol
-he is a full time student studying to be a nurse and then med school.
some one asked how could he buy a ring with no job...he recieves unemployement which is only 60 dollars a week less than what he was getting when he was working.
-i am not asking for a ring that costs alot. he could put a $5 band on my finger and call it a day. i am not materialistic like that. dont get me wrong...i like pretty things just dont need them.
2. we have been together 2.5 years. i do believe he is committed to me ...i just need more in order to stay in the relationship.
-i am almost 32, have 2 children, and i am in no position to date someone for 5 years and just see what happens with no end in sight.
-he is younger than me by 6 years
-we want to have at least one child together and i can't do that forever so......lol
-i WILL NOT have another child out of wedlock and he knows this. been there done that!!
-he is very involved with my children, helps me, watches them when i need him to, etc.
like i said...we have talked about this. i have expressed my feelings to him. he says that he wants to marry me. we talk about our future all the time. we discuss how we want our wedding to be and where. it is not like i want this and he is being forced. he says he wants the same things too. this is why i dont get what the problem is. why has he not asked me??
i have a deadline of new years 2011. he doesn't know this but if we are not engaged by then, i'm out. this may seem harsh but i don't know what else to do. i love him very much and he is my best friend . i know it is counter productive to end something with a really good guy...but if not that then what do i do?
How long does he have left in his schooling? If he is almost finished, he may be waiting to finish before proposing. I know a lot of guys would be uncomfortable proposing when they had no job and were still in school. I guess you just have to ask yourself if you think that the reasons he isn't proposing are practical sort of reasons that will eventually be resolved (like wanting to wait until he graduates, or wanting to wait until he has a certain amount of savings) or emotional reasons that have something to do with a problem in the relationship (like maybe he doesn't want to settle down yet or something like that).
If it's a practical reason, then personally I think it would be crazy to throw out a perfectly good relationship which makes you happy just because you are impatient. And if you are willing to do that, then it doesn't speak well for your ability to be committed to the marriage, if you can't be committed to the current relationship.
If it is an emotional reason, then you have a more serious problem. But you can't address it unless both you and he are willing to talk about it. He's not likely to admit to hesitations if you are being so forceful about getting engaged and offering ultimatums, because he would be afraid of the consequences of admitting that. I don't know what to tell you on that one, except that listening to his needs in the relationship will probably be more productive at this point than issuing ultimatums (of even coming up with them in your mind).
I'm sorry you're in this position and I hope everything works out for the two of you...
Have you asked him for a general timeline of when he will ask you? Maybe that will give you an idea and then you can put your leaving plan into action. I understand your age and kids playing a factor into your decision. You don't have time to wait around for 5 yrs. I'm 29 and I feel the same way. Maybe once this economy gets a little better, he'll find a new job. I know this economy sucks for most people.
I understand about setting a deadline. I had my SO tell me when I should expect it. Well, I didn't flat out ask. He told me he wouldn't make me wait until ____ and I told him I'm holding him to that. If it doesn't happen then, we'll have a good long talk.
I hope things work out. ((((zalonia)))
i have never issued him an ultimatum. i never said, "marry me or else!" i said that i have a deadline for myself. i am committed to the relationship but i also know my limits. being stagnant is not for me.
i guess i don't get it...all he has to say is " i love you and want us to get married in 2- 3 years" period. thats all it takes.
i dont understand why voicing what i want is not ok. why do i have to tip toe around him while HE gets to take his time and decide my fate?
i am not one of these women who can sit idly by for 10, 12, 15 years and hope and pray that one day he might possibly marry me.
i truly do no believe that i am asking for too much. i'd like to be engaged to this man and marry him in 2 or three years. by that time we will have been together 6 years. really don't think that is rushing him...at all!
i am more than willing to give him time to finish school...btw he has 1.5 years to go.
So... why don't you propose to him if you're that anxious? 1.5 years is not a lot of time to wait. That's probably the reason he's waiting in the first place.
I'm sorry that you are so stressed. Have you seen Mr. Bee's Three Step Plan to Get Engaged? One of the steps is to take money out of the picture. Tell him you would be happy with a non-diamond or an inexpensive ring (and make sure that you will actually be happy with it). It must be so stressful for him to not have a job, does he still have to pay his own bills? If so, he needs the money in savings to survive and buying a ring really isn't important now.
i understand about money...i said he could give me a $5 ring in my previous post. just frustrated right now. thank u mamabear and everyone else for ur kind words
I second trying Mr. Bee's three step plan to getting engaged. Men are very strange creatures when it comes to getting engaged, or doing things that you want them to. I am pretty open-minded and never thought that it would be sooo true. But try the plan and let us know what happens! I bet it works!!! Maybe he is waiting until he graduates in 1.5 years and gets a job!! I wouldn't be surprised. I also got engaged without a ring (if that's okay with you 28 years ago.) And he surprised me 4 years later with a ring at Christmas-he used his entire Christmas bonus to buy it for me. Don't give up, it sounds like you have a keeper. Good luck! :)
You mentioned that he helps you take care of your kiddos. That's a wonderful sign, right? I believe that when someone enters a relationship and embraces another's children with open arms, it's an excellent indication of serious commitment. Don't get me wrong - I know exactly what it's like to be (over)eager about engagement and marriage. It's hard being called someone's "girlfriend" when your feelings, desires and expectations exceed that title.
However, try to be patient. If you believe that this man is truly meant for you,try to put forth more effort to understand his situation. I would imagine that being unemployed while going through school and planning to become a doctor can be very stressful.
And although you explained you would be content with a $5 ring, perhaps your boyfriend wants more for you. You would be surprised how much an engagement ring means to a man - I sure was! You'd think a guy would be over the moon to hear that they could just pop a peice of tin on your hand and call it a day, but an engagement ring is their one chance to wow and surprise us - they want it to be special.
When you find yourself feeling especially impatient and frustrated, just imagine that you two are already married, and think about the levels of understanding and acceptance that comes along with the very commitment you are seeking.
I think 2-3 years is unreasonable for him to ask. If marriage is important to you I think it is time to move on. I am also 32 and I am not waiting much longer for my beau. It's biology. I'm not a Hollywood star, I'm not trying to have a baby at 40.
I also have this to say....there are other men out there that are right for you too. Don't put everything on one man because you feel invested in your time together. It is as much your right to get married as it is his right not to want to right now. Timing!
Oops I read that wrong, YOU said 2-3 years. Gotcha! I think you are being very patient giving him until the new year to figure this out.
I still stand by my above post.
Zalonia! i remember you. poor thing. we both have younger men. its hard. they just dont understand at first how important time is for us.
im glad to hear that youve talked with him and been specific and that he knows your time line. this helped me very much with my younger guy. took him about 3 months from our talk but he started really getting in gear once i was specific and then layed off.
since he knows, and i also assume hes aware that you dont need anything out of his price range, i think the best thing you can do from here on out is try to give him some time to marinate on this himself and in the meantime, as mr. bees plan says, do things that build you up and keep you distracted and happy. don't lose faith in him yet. he has said that he wants this too, you just need to show him you have faith in yourself and that he wont get a wife until he wifes you!
job stresses suck but hopefully he sees that you stickin by him through this shows you are true blue and he shouldnt risk losing that. :)
hang tough!
Zalonia: I agree with Audreysdance that his age may be playing a big role here, in general it takes men longer than it takes women to be ready for a life commitment, and in this case he's only 26 right? Pretty young to be married in many parts of the world, and of course the US right now. Are his male friends married? If they're not that could be a reason why he's dragging his feet.... I believe that some men are geniuenly not ready to be married at a certain age, and sometimes wonder if it is a good idea to push them if that's the case. I'm always adciving womem to get out of relationships when the guys are not giving them what they need, but for some reason in your case it seems like he really loves you and your kids and he's commited to your relationship, but maybe he's in an age where he's not mature enough to not be scared to take the plunge? If you really love him and he loves you maybe you can give him a bit more time than the end of 2011... in what concerns to having a kid, more and more women are having babies even after 40... I think it's better if you wait until he's emotionally ready to be a husband and a father, instead of pushing him to take those steps. Besides the age factor, the not having a job factor and being still in school is a big deal for a guy. He's probably suffering because of that right now, and of course hw would like to feel capable of supporting you and your family (or at least contributing to support) before proposing.
Having said that, only you know your situation, and if you really feel like it's not going to happen, like you mentioned in the subject, there's a chance you might be right. Trust your instinct in this one. Best of luck!
Have you discussed getting married without having a wedding? Would you feel ok going to the courthouse with your two children and a few family members and being married without the big hoopla that so many weddings encourage? Would you be ok with a courthouse wedding if you could save for a bigger wedding in the future?
Maybe you need to also ask HIM these questions, and if he balks, well, he's not the one for you. BUT, if he says he would marry you tomorrow, then you should either go ahead and do it or be happy you've found a man that loves you and wants to stay with you, but maybe wants to figure out his career before he puts a ring on it :)
hi everyone...i feel like i am losing my mind
we just had this huge arguement. i really think that this is affecting me more and more. i am building up resentment towards him and it is manifesting itself as bitchiness. things that i would normally be amusing are not so funny anymore. i am so at a loss right now. after we fought he wated to talk things out but i was so mad that i told him to get all his stuff out of my house. in that moment i felt so over it that i wanted to scream! we ended up talking once we both calmed down and i told him about my frustration. he listened to me but he also told me that he felt like i was obsessing about this ring that i found before(i was excited about it and i admit i was too over eager. so i take full responsibility on this) he said he wants to get married as much i do but he just does obsess like i do. but i feel like we dont have real conversations that are two sided and i guess i need reassurance that we are on the same page.
so now i feel so horrible. my wanting a life for us is pushing him away, making me crazy, and causing us to fight. so im done
i will not bring it up to him ever again.
to answer some of your questions...
-none of his friends are married
-no, i will not have babies after fourty...for me that is too old...my 14 year old is autistic and i am deathly afraid about having kids after a certain point because the risk for developmental disabilities increases substantially with the mothers age.
-he is a good guy...please dont get me wrong. he loves my kids and will don ANYTHING for them. he never cared that my son is special needs...never treated him any different
i need to just focus on other stuff and stop worrying about this. and when i reach my limit i will know and i will do what i have to do then.
So sorry this is happening to you....hugs! I just got in a huge fight with my beau too. He doesn't seem to understand that not giving me hope is making me crazy. But if I don't bring it up from time to time I just get angrier. I don't know how long people can hold out but my threshold is low. I just feel depleted and I don't even want to be around him right now. I don't feel affectionate. I feel angry that he can't even validate where I am coming from. We just go round and round.
I feel pretty upset that love and marriage has come down to this. And let me state that there is no reason we couldn't be engaged right now. NO REASON. He is in a state to get married, we have money, jobs etc....and it's pissing me off!
Maybe I'm just old fashioned but I thought men were supposed to sweat this stuff. They were supposed to want to and bring up marriage. My dad was married and had me when he was 27 so I'm sorry that 26 doesn't seem that young to me. In many countries that is middle aged! There is something off in our culture that doesn't teach boys about the benefits of marriage because let me tell you there are many!!!
I digress.....
Sorry you are low right now
vikingprincess...i am sending you a big hug because i COMPLETELY understand where you are coming from and how you feel! i swear...not talking about it from time to time, as u said, does making me more and more resentful and annoyed as well. ugh...i need a hobby...badly!!!
this is horrible...
hope u feel better as well
I can completely relate! I have made deadlines in my head too. (Although, I just pushed one back!) The only advice I have to offer is to be patient! Believe me, easier said than done because I'm also dating a younger guy. 4.5 years younger.
@future mrs kirsch - how did you deal with that? my bf is the same way. he wants to give me the world on a platinum platter....but all i want is a commitment. sometimes, i lose sight of all the wonderful things he says he wants to do for me and give into the frustration. i start to get really insecure and start thinking that he just doesn't really want to marry me. then i get extremely passive aggressive. i'm beyond ashamed of it and i felt horrible when i realized what i was doing.
@vikingprincess - yep. i guess what i was explaining is what you already posted about!
thank you all for making me normal....or at least as crazy as every one else! :) good luck and hopefully, this low passes soon for all of us!
hey - try and relax. We all know how frustrating it can be waiting and waiting and waiting for those boys to ask us. But you said yourself he is a good man who is good with your kids and it seems like you have been clear with your deadlines for him.
I think not having a job at the moment will definately be affecting him - I know you said its only $60 less a week than his previous job, but maybe he wants to feel as if he can provide for you properly before the engagement?
Just try and hang in there - I am sure he will get there!
It is very easy to say that there are other men out there or other fish in the sea, but talk to any of your single girlfriends and find out if that is true. Good men (that are still single) are not so easy to come by these days and it amazes me how quickly some women would rather throw out a great relationship. @zalonia, I am so glad that it sounds like you are calming down a bit and realizing that he is a "keeper"....
I think it is so sad to hear women putting so much emphasis on "the ring" and practically ignoring the great relationship they have in front of them. I just think true love is not that easy to come by....I don't believe that there is anyone "made" for me the same way as my husband and I don't think he would have been easily replaceable. If you are in a relationship where you are willing to set a deadline and it would be that easy for you to just give it up and walk away, sure to find something better than what you've got, then maybe you're in the wrong relationship.
I have to agree with the age vote. My fiance is 26 and everyone is continually going on and on about how he's too young. He's the only sensible one out of all his friends, who are out partying all the time. It seems like you've managed to find a sensible one, too! I think he really wants to make sure he does right by you, and that's he in a good place in life before settling down. If you stop focussing on it, it'll happen before you know it! :)
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| MrsOliveBird | 11 |
| aussiebee | 10 |
| janetsnakehole | 8 |
| j_jaye | 5 |
| Rivendeler | 5 |
| simpleandchic | 4 |
| kat2014 | 4 |
| Scottish_lassie | 4 |
| MrsMSmith | 4 |
| Adalita | 4 |
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| Scottish_lassie | 4 |
| aussiebee | 2 |
| MrsOliveBird | 1 |
| kat2014 | 1 |
| miss_blondie86 | 1 |
| TKR | 1 |
so i thought my bf would propose to me after we had what i thought was a really heart felt conversation. i thought we had a break through but i guess not. he keeps saying that money is tight and he has no savings. he has been looking for a job but has not found one yet. ugh, i thought he was saving for a ring for my b-day but i guess not :( Im so over this crap. this waiting is so not for me. we have talked at least three different times, and i have blatantly been upfront with him and said precisely what i would like for us, including engagement and marriage. i did not beat around the bush using code words...i spoke my mind and was clear. i'm done. cant do this any more. the disappointment is too much.
i know some might say to be patient and wait for him to get settled first...blah blah blah...but he could have budgeted better.
i may be irrational right now but im very frustrated.