Don't want future mother in law at the wedding or wedding planning. ARGH!!

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
7842 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Jacuzzigirl78:  Not your decision.

If your fiance wants her there, support him. If he doesn’t want her there, support him. Either way, it is for your fiance, not you, to decide whether he wants his mother there. Let him answer her – you stay out of it.

Post # 3
12447 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I honestly think it’s a bad idea to alienate your FMIL by not inviting her to her son’s wedding.  What you can do is treat her like a guest – don’t involve her in your wedding planning, don’t take any money from her.  

Post # 4
1979 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter's Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

There’s nothing that says you have to involve her with wedding planning, so that one should be easy.  She might be pissed off that you didn’t ask her to go dress shopping with you, but you can easily say that you just wanted your bridesmaids, or mom, or whoever with you and not have a large entourage.  But the wedding itself? As aussiemum said, that’s not your decision. It’s your fiance’s decision and his alone.

Post # 5
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I agree with JiminyCricket about not accepting money or involving her in planning.

I think you should have your FI sit down with her and tell her straight out, “We’d love for you to attend our wedding, but we have zero tolerance for the kind of behaviour that caused my sister to ban you from her life. I’m putting the responsibility on you to know what is inappropriate and what is not, and the first inappropriate thing you say or do to me, my future wife, or any of our guests will cause us to unfortunately have to disinvite you from the wedding. I’m sorry to be harsh but after what happened between you and my sister, I feel I need to set some boundaries.”

Then either she behaves herself and attends or misbehaves and is uninvited, but at least the blame is not on YOU, the wife-to-be, for estranging her from her son.

Post # 6
3544 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Sounds like my FMIL! In fact, I had to show my SO right after I read it.

My SO’s older sister doesn’t talk to my FMIL, and my FMIL blames it on her husband.  And we currently have my FMIL completely blocked via phone/Facebook. 

Post # 7
3544 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I had an entire thing typed out about what is wrong with some of the suggestions above and what is correct and why.  But then my username was changed and I was auto-logged out, and it didn’t bring me back to my reply.

After a recent falling out where she targeted me, I started a lot of research on emotional abuse of parents to children, toxic parents, and toxic in-laws.  My FMIL is very emotionally abusive and controlling, and it sounds like yours is too.  If you want my 2 cents on how to deal with this, I will be more than happy to help based on experience – just message me.

People like this are not easy to deal with… not for you, and not for your fiance.  All you can do is what is best for the two of you.

Post # 8
44984 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

She certainly sounds llike a wingnut, but she is your FI’s mother. He should be the one to decide if she is welcome at his wedding.

We  always have an option to not engage with people like this and not let them push our buttons.

Post # 9
63 posts
Worker bee

Jacuzzigirl78:  Sad to say, but if your Fiancee wants her there, she has to be there. That is his side of the family. My MIL is also a spawn of satan. Passive aggressive, instigator, liar, drama queen, made a disgusting joke as a part of her speech on our wedding. Something about the spouse staring at the wedding certificate looking for the expiration date. Yeap! That was a part of her speech. She also wanted to discuss our falling out on our wedding day at the reception, this was not when people were leaving.

I would suggest for you to put her somewhere far from your table, the people who are working at your wedding to know she is not allowed to make speeches or hold the microphone. You will be very busy and you will want to soak everything in. So don’t have to spend more than 5 sedonds with her on that day. If she throws a fit, it’s your wedding day and people understand that it’s not supposed to revolve around the MIL.

Post # 10
4605 posts
Honey bee

Jacuzzigirl78:  unfortunately you cannot dictate wehther your FMIL can be there or not.  You AND your FI can.  If he doesn’t want his mother to be there.  Then that’s okay, but if he does, you’re gonna have to get over that and work with him on it.  This is a decision to be made by both of you, not just one.  I think your reasonings and concerns are valid, but your FI may not.  This is a big moment in his life.  He may want her there.  Talk to him and see how he feels about the situation.

Post # 11
580 posts
Busy bee

I’m sorry you do not like your FMIL but you need to get over it. That is your FI’s mother and you do not have the option to cut her out. You sound a little disconnected from reality. I dont see that she has personally done anything to you only that you have observed poor behavior. She will be at the wedding and in your life for the rest of your life as long as you’re married to your FI. Time to accept that now.

Post # 12
3544 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I disagree with some PPs. You CAN cut her out of your lives, and you DON’T have to invite her, but you and your FI have to be on the same page.

I cut my FMIL out of my life when she told me I was nobody and mean nothing in front of my stepson, then again in a Facebook message, and then she told everyone via Facebook status a similar thing – and STILL couldn’t understand why her son would block her on Facebook.  I blocked her via phone and already from any future children I might have (mainly because she started using my SO’s son against us after the freak out).  She harrassed my SO so much, he blocked her via phone, as well.

After this falling out with my FMIL, my SO was still “unsure” whether he wanted to invite her to the wedding.  If you feel like she shouldn’t be invited, you need to discuss WHY with your FI.  For example, I said to my SO, “Do you really want someone at our wedding that disrespects and talks that horribly to the person you’re there to marry that day and commit your life to?”  Then my SO understood…

We both started individual counseling for this.  If there is a lot more to your FMIL story (which you mentioned there was), please address things further with your FI and individually.  Things will not get better when you get married…

And as I said previously, I had a lot more to say prior, but it was all deleted, and I don’t have time at this very moment to write a novel someone might not read.  Please message me if you need to chat.

Post # 13
7656 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

Yeah as much as I don’t want my MIL in my life either I don’t have a choice because DH wants her there SO you just need to deal with it somehow. Sorry to be blunt, but its the way it is. You can certainly involve her to a minimum, but if your FI wants her there, she needs to be there. Imagine if your FI hated your mom and said he wanted her out of your lives when you love your mom, flaws and all.

If, in the amazing event, your FI doesn’t care about having a relationship with his mom and doesn’t want her there either, then let her know she isn’t allowed, grab a bottle of wine, and celebrate! However, realize that there are more relationship involved. By breaking a relationship with your FMIL, you may inadventently break up a beautiful relationship with your FFIL. Just keep that in mind.

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