Post # 1
Oh boy, where to begin. I am sure I am not the only one with a FMIL being a “real piece of work” so I will try to synopsize as best I can…
My FMIL exhibits the following pathology:
1. Gives her opinions at the frequency of a ticker on a 24 hour news station. These opinions are narrow minded and no amount of information can penetrate her bubble.
2. Her need to give these same opinions takes precedent over everyone else’s feelings/values, etc. She has no ability to stop and think before she opens her mouth. The need is that strong.
3. The last encounter I had with her was when she tried to debate with me that I was a bigger clothing size than I said I was. She managed to by me a dress that was about 3 sizes too big.
4. When she attended my FSIL’s wedding (who I like very much), she went up to her new husband and said “You are not good enough for my daughter.” On the wedding day!!! My FMIL now honestly believes that my FSIL chose her husband over her. I can’t roll my eyes back far enough for that..
5. Since then my FMIL alienated herself to the point where she is not allowed on my FSIL’s property, they have blocked her number, and is not allowed to be around the kids. They had to block her number because when she would call and talk to the kids (and they would ask why they don’t see her because they were little at the time) my FMIL’s reply was “Ask your father why we don’t speak.” I am not joking..
Needless to say, I don’t want her at my wedding or at any wedding planning activities.
My issues are: I really like my FFIL and want him there but not my FMIL. Eventually it will get back to her that she was not invited and would like some suggestions on how to respond. The only thing I can come up with is “Because I don’t want a**holes at my wedding.” Completely true, but I don’t want to lower myself to her level either.
Much appreciated fellow Wedding Bees!
Post # 2
Jacuzzigirl78: Not your decision.
If your fiance wants her there, support him. If he doesn’t want her there, support him. Either way, it is for your fiance, not you, to decide whether he wants his mother there. Let him answer her – you stay out of it.
Post # 3
I honestly think it’s a bad idea to alienate your FMIL by not inviting her to her son’s wedding. What you can do is treat her like a guest – don’t involve her in your wedding planning, don’t take any money from her.
Post # 4
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter's Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
There’s nothing that says you have to involve her with wedding planning, so that one should be easy. She might be pissed off that you didn’t ask her to go dress shopping with you, but you can easily say that you just wanted your bridesmaids, or mom, or whoever with you and not have a large entourage. But the wedding itself? As aussiemum said, that’s not your decision. It’s your fiance’s decision and his alone.
Post # 5
I agree with JiminyCricket about not accepting money or involving her in planning.
I think you should have your FI sit down with her and tell her straight out, “We’d love for you to attend our wedding, but we have zero tolerance for the kind of behaviour that caused my sister to ban you from her life. I’m putting the responsibility on you to know what is inappropriate and what is not, and the first inappropriate thing you say or do to me, my future wife, or any of our guests will cause us to unfortunately have to disinvite you from the wedding. I’m sorry to be harsh but after what happened between you and my sister, I feel I need to set some boundaries.”
Then either she behaves herself and attends or misbehaves and is uninvited, but at least the blame is not on YOU, the wife-to-be, for estranging her from her son.
Post # 6
Sounds like my FMIL! In fact, I had to show my SO right after I read it.
My SO’s older sister doesn’t talk to my FMIL, and my FMIL blames it on her husband. And we currently have my FMIL completely blocked via phone/Facebook.
Post # 7
I had an entire thing typed out about what is wrong with some of the suggestions above and what is correct and why. But then my username was changed and I was auto-logged out, and it didn’t bring me back to my reply.
After a recent falling out where she targeted me, I started a lot of research on emotional abuse of parents to children, toxic parents, and toxic in-laws. My FMIL is very emotionally abusive and controlling, and it sounds like yours is too. If you want my 2 cents on how to deal with this, I will be more than happy to help based on experience – just message me.
People like this are not easy to deal with… not for you, and not for your fiance. All you can do is what is best for the two of you.
Post # 8
She certainly sounds llike a wingnut, but she is your FI’s mother. He should be the one to decide if she is welcome at his wedding.
We always have an option to not engage with people like this and not let them push our buttons.
Post # 9
Jacuzzigirl78: Sad to say, but if your Fiancee wants her there, she has to be there. That is his side of the family. My MIL is also a spawn of satan. Passive aggressive, instigator, liar, drama queen, made a disgusting joke as a part of her speech on our wedding. Something about the spouse staring at the wedding certificate looking for the expiration date. Yeap! That was a part of her speech. She also wanted to discuss our falling out on our wedding day at the reception, this was not when people were leaving.
I would suggest for you to put her somewhere far from your table, the people who are working at your wedding to know she is not allowed to make speeches or hold the microphone. You will be very busy and you will want to soak everything in. So don’t have to spend more than 5 sedonds with her on that day. If she throws a fit, it’s your wedding day and people understand that it’s not supposed to revolve around the MIL.
Post # 10
Jacuzzigirl78: unfortunately you cannot dictate wehther your FMIL can be there or not. You AND your FI can. If he doesn’t want his mother to be there. Then that’s okay, but if he does, you’re gonna have to get over that and work with him on it. This is a decision to be made by both of you, not just one. I think your reasonings and concerns are valid, but your FI may not. This is a big moment in his life. He may want her there. Talk to him and see how he feels about the situation.
Post # 11
I’m sorry you do not like your FMIL but you need to get over it. That is your FI’s mother and you do not have the option to cut her out. You sound a little disconnected from reality. I dont see that she has personally done anything to you only that you have observed poor behavior. She will be at the wedding and in your life for the rest of your life as long as you’re married to your FI. Time to accept that now.
Post # 12
I disagree with some PPs. You CAN cut her out of your lives, and you DON’T have to invite her, but you and your FI have to be on the same page.
I cut my FMIL out of my life when she told me I was nobody and mean nothing in front of my stepson, then again in a Facebook message, and then she told everyone via Facebook status a similar thing – and STILL couldn’t understand why her son would block her on Facebook. I blocked her via phone and already from any future children I might have (mainly because she started using my SO’s son against us after the freak out). She harrassed my SO so much, he blocked her via phone, as well.
After this falling out with my FMIL, my SO was still “unsure” whether he wanted to invite her to the wedding. If you feel like she shouldn’t be invited, you need to discuss WHY with your FI. For example, I said to my SO, “Do you really want someone at our wedding that disrespects and talks that horribly to the person you’re there to marry that day and commit your life to?” Then my SO understood…
We both started individual counseling for this. If there is a lot more to your FMIL story (which you mentioned there was), please address things further with your FI and individually. Things will not get better when you get married…
And as I said previously, I had a lot more to say prior, but it was all deleted, and I don’t have time at this very moment to write a novel someone might not read. Please message me if you need to chat.
Post # 13
Yeah as much as I don’t want my MIL in my life either I don’t have a choice because DH wants her there SO you just need to deal with it somehow. Sorry to be blunt, but its the way it is. You can certainly involve her to a minimum, but if your FI wants her there, she needs to be there. Imagine if your FI hated your mom and said he wanted her out of your lives when you love your mom, flaws and all.
If, in the amazing event, your FI doesn’t care about having a relationship with his mom and doesn’t want her there either, then let her know she isn’t allowed, grab a bottle of wine, and celebrate! However, realize that there are more relationship involved. By breaking a relationship with your FMIL, you may inadventently break up a beautiful relationship with your FFIL. Just keep that in mind.
Post # 14
ohnatto: You hit the nail on the head.
Post # 15
Thanks for the feedback. I just have these dreams (we’ve all has those) of my FMIL coming up to me and yelling “you are not good enough for my son!” in front of a large room of people. I look at her history and a part of me believes it is not that far fetched. Why wouldn’t I be apprehensive after what she did to her own daughter?
Clearly most of you get it.
Sometimes a person can cross the line too far/too often and they NEVER stop (despite all efforts to set boundaries and speak to them in a calm rational way). Some are THAT toxic and for your own health/sanity, you have to let them go.
I never thought about putting her in a table far away and have someone babysit her. I will hire a professional if there is such a thing. So simple I had overlooked it. Thanks!
Spoke to my “almost husband” and after a long talk, I was able to get my concerns across. We came up with a plan together as to how she will be “handled” and he will be the one laying down the boundaries. It is a touchy/tough subject to bring up.