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My first question would be, do you have the same rules for your parents? They have to be treaed equally.
I would also ask that maybe they dont come until after the first month of the birth so that you all can bond as a family and establish a routine for everyone. Its important that is established.
Then I would suggest they can come for 1 week, but more than tha will be too exhausting with a new born baby.
Do your concerns raise from them staying with you, in your home, for an extended period of time, or just from them being in your city for that long? A compromise might be if they stay at a hotel or something, so they can come by for shorter periods of time but not be there 24/7. I think it sounds exhausting to have houseguests (especially ones who don't speak your native language!) while you have a newborn to look after!
Are you close to your SIL? Maybe she could help bridge some of the communication gap as well, especially if they're upset after your DH talks to them - she might be able to help them understand that this is not normal for all families in your culture, even if it is in theirs.
I would try to get your husband to explain to them that you guys want some private familiy time or something like that, so it's not about not wanting them there, but wanting to bond as a family.
I do have the same feeling for my parents. My Mother lives an hour from my home so she will visit often, but ALWAYS go home at the end of the day. The problem that bothers me the most is that when they visit, they visit for long periods of time. They think they are helping me, but they are just adding stress to my life. I deal with it open-minded and open-hearted for my husband; I love him very much. They are very kind and gererous people, but they take over my home. There are some issues that complicate this issue mych more:
1.The language barrier; I cannot communicate with them through language. This is very difficult as is and adding a baby to the picture will make it much more stressful.
2. They come to this country for 3-6 months at a time. When they come to our home, they stay for up to a month. (they want to visit their children when they are here. There are 3 children and they all live in different states; MI, IL, CA)
3. They are older (75) and they do not travel alone (no car) and we must transport them to whereever they need to go; to the airport, the store, everywhere.
4. They need lots of attention.
Those are my most thought of issues. I do love them, they are great people, but I do not want them staying with me while I am on maternity leave with my baby. I need that time to bond and give my child my undivided attention.
I talked to my husband about this before we got married and again the other day. He just gets frustrated and cannot understand my reasoning. I thought he was more obn board than he is. Yes, he did agree with my idea and thought, but he just doesn't seem happy about it. He will never fully understand the pressue and stress involved in having your in-laws staying in your house, who you cannot communicate with, who are a different culture, for extended periods of time. Yes, I did marry this man knowing this, but I deal with these visits all the time. (I am going through one right now) I just ask that he comprimise with me and understand that I do not want them or snyone staying with us for more than the weekend when I am on maternity leave with the baby.
I am having trouble with this. I will not change my mind because I will need this time; myself, the baby, and my husband. This is going to be our family and I want that special time together. I just can't seem to find a better way to communicate this. I cannot tell them myself, so I need my husband to be fully on board. I do not want to ask my SIN because she will add more stress to the situation.
I thank everyone for their comments above. :)
If the issue is balancing the newborn with you inlaws why dont you have them come visit when the baby is few months old that way you would have better adjusted to having a baby in the home and I guess you would have had enough time to bond with your family.
Considering that they live outside the country and dont get to see their son and future grandson that much I dont think you can deny them the chance to stay atleast a week or so to get to have time with the baby too.
Does your mom work or is she retired? I'm thinking outside the box here, but would it be an option for them to stay with her? She could drive them down to see the baby for a few hours at a time, maybe they could stay for 1-2 nights at a time on the weekends (when your husband doesn't have to work, depending on his job).
I think finding a compromise will be really important, because it's important to them to get to know their grandbaby, and it's important for your husband that they have a chance to bond - and since they're already so old, it will be important for your child in the long run to bond with them as well. He or she may not get to have many memories with these grandparents.
I think I know how you are feeling. My parents are 4 hours away but my in-laws are about 45 minutes away. I wasn't quite firm enough in establishing boundaries early on and now I am full of resentment and anger, especially toward my MIL. I wish I had been able to avoid it from the start. DH is close with his family, I hate confrontation, and my MIL is passive aggressive. Both of my on-laws LOVE me and they are generous and wonderful, but overbearing as well. I cannot talk to them about this kind of stuff without it being a huge issue and offending them, so I chose to stay quiet. I've since learned to be polite but put my foot down and do what I want and what I think is best.
You need to put your foot down. You cannot be worried about them while you are bonding with your newborn and adjusting to life as a mother. Those first few weeks are difficult enough, and you do not want to spend them worrying about your in-laws. You will never get this time back! Ever. So be adamant about spending it just the three of you, without overnight guests.
I agree that it would be better if they could come later, when the baby is at least 3-4 month old. It's great to see a newborn and they are precious, but an older infant is more interactive and playful, and by that time you will be less worried about illnesses and passing him/her around a little bit more. You'll also be more adjusted to being a new mom and might even have some semblence of a routine down! (Ha! I'm still working on that at 6 months!)
I never thought I would be so protective of my son, but I was. I really didn't want others holding him and taking him away from me. You don't know how you'll react, and I really offended some people by not passing him around when he was younger that much. (Not that I cared if they were offended - he's my baby!).
Also, if you are going to breastfeed, you will either have to leave the room ever 1-3 hours for 30-90 minutes at a time, kick them out of the room for that time, or get used to having your boobs out in front of your in-laws. That might be another argument for not having them stay for long periods of time or waiting a few months to visit.
I hope you and your hubby settle this and you don't stress about it too much. Stand your ground though.
I say tell your husband, since its his parents that you both wish for them to only visit for a week or weekend as you wanted. I know when i had my baby i had and still have serious problems with his family dealing with my new born. Plus you are going to be really tired after having a baby and bonding with your husband and yourself is a great deal on how to deal with your new baby. Put your foot down and tell him this is the way you want it and thats final, i know it may hurt to do this but you just had a baby and your husband has to respect this. if they want to stay longer then they should find other means to stay somewhere else. Too many people in youe home is enough distraction. Also your husband should be the one to tend to house cleaning and cooking. and the guests as well to take care of their selfs. your too busy when it comes to baby.
@lefeymw: "My first question would be, do you have the same rules for your parents? They have to be treaed equally."
Wonderfully put.
I think that you need to really communicate with your hubby on this one as to why he is not willing to adhere to your request. And I do hope that you are making a request and not a demand.
They ARE his parents at the end of the day. He only will have ONE mother and ONE father ever in his entire life. He is very fortunate to have had them till they are 75+. Just how you want to bond with YOUR baby, they want to bond with their baby. And then furthermore, their grandson. They are at the end of their lives and don't know how much longer they have to live. They also don't know how long they will retain their senses so they could live another 10+ years, but they won't be able to bond with your baby then the same way they can now. They want to leave a legacy behind. Please do not treat them like outsiders who are just there to annoy and aggravate you. Please compromise and think from their viewpoint as well.
You are in a very sticky situation where you will end up hurting a LOT of people including your husband. He is not gonna feel very good about you if he loses his parents next year and this happens to be his last chance to see them alive. All because of your tantrums.
If you just compromise on this, you will be better off in the long run. Nothing can ever stop a mother from bonding with her baby. It's nature's call and that's that. Your in-laws are not gonna get in the way if you setup firm boundaries with them during their stay. Don't be rude, but just be firm. That's all.
I disagree that parents need to be treated equally. My parents are self-sufficient, helpful, non-intrusive, and nice. They can stay FOREVER.
In this case, you don't enjoy your ILs visiting. And they don't sound like they are changing at all to make it easier for you.
I would say that they can visit when the baby is more like three months old, and then let them stay for a month. By then you will have bonded as a family unit and gotten your ducks in a row for how you want to parent your baby. Plus babies are WAY more fun at three months than newborns.
Maybe talk to your DH about having them come visit for a longer period when the baby is older and you won't be on maternity leave stuck in the house with them.
Frankly, when I was on maternity leave I didn't want ANY visitors. I was leaking from every conceivable place, sore, swollen, tired, grumpy, protective, and uncomfortable. He is a man, so he may not understand, but it is NOT a time when you want people to stay with you. (Shoot, I walked around half-naked all the time, just to be comfortable!) Maybe try THAT angle instead of the "your parents drive me crazy and I don't want to have to deal with them AND a new baby" angle. Although I totally get that too.
@Sasha2011: I think it's extremely rude to say that she is tantruming over this issue. And I also disagree that you should treat both sets of grandparents equally.
This was something she and er husband had talked about very early on and had agreed on. So she has every right to want to stand by it. Also she is definitely not alone at all among the millions of moms out there who don't want the extra burden of extended overnight guests who require a lot of attention and energy, while she is trying to adjust to being a new mom and to bond with her husband and newborn. Heck, even if they did speak the language and were more self sufficent, she wouldn't be alone in not wanting overnight guests period.
My parents respected my wishes throughout my pregnancy, labor and delivery, as well as the weeks that followed. My parents stayed with DH and I for a week to help, and that's what they did - help! They cooked, cleaned, and gave us time together to bond. They left without asking when I needed to nurse, until I told them that i didn't mind them staying in the room. My step mom got up with me everytime during the night to get me wipes, diapers, water and a snack.
DH's parents butted in every step of the way. They disrespected my request for them not to be in my room, much less at the hospital while I was being induced. They snuck down the hallway while I was pushing my son out to "see what was taking so long" and were yelled at by nurses. My MIL took my son from me moments after he was handed to me without asking. She came over during the day the following week and WOKE MY SON UP from his nap to "see his eyes" and screwed his schedule up for the rest of the day.
So they should be treated equally? I don't think so.
And pulling in the they might die or get dementia argument is not fair either. Yes they are older and don't live nearby, but she isn't asking that they don't visit at all, just that she and her husband aren't totally responsible for them every second of the day while they are adjusting to being new parents. They don't drive and can't do anything without assistance since they don't speak the language. I wouldn't want them to stay for months immediately following the birth of my child. I think weekends or maybe a week top after the baby is a few weeks old is beyond reasonable.
@mrstilly: Yes they should be treated equally. What your story demonstrates is that your husband needs to speak to his parents about boundaries. And then if they dont follow those boundaries, only then is it fair to change the time they are allowed to stay because they had the chance to be helpful as opposed to a hinderance. And both you and your husband need to agree on the boundaries because they are his parents. One half of a couple can't decide what happens for the other half's parents.
@lefeymw: DH and I both had a discussion together, both alone and with his parents. We agree for the most part on the boundaries. We jointly made the request to not have them at the hospital as soon as I was induced. We both agreed that we would spend some time together bonding with our son immediately after he was born instead of passing him around. That's why my step mom, who literally held one of my legs for 3+ hours of pushing after 24 hours of labor, didn't hold my son until much later. DH was upset that his mother woke our son up from his nap almost as much as I was.
My continued issues with my in-laws stem now from the lack of trust I have with them for not respecting our wishes in the first place. For whatever reason DH is able to let go and not worry as much, but I don't trust them to respect my wishes if I were to leave my son alone with them.
If I am able to relax and be comfortable around my parents, but my inlaws stress me out and are not helpful, then it is not realistic or fair to treat them equally. It's certainly not fair to myself or my son when I am stressed, anxious and angry while trying to nurse my son, get him to sleep, or sleep myself just to "be fair" to my inlaws. And I would most certainly say the same things if my inlaws were the helpful, supportive ones and my family stressed me out. My mom is an alcoholic who adds a huge amount of stress to my life. She certainly isn't treated equally. I don't visit her or talk with her nearly as often.
The OP isn't trying to treat her parents differently than her inlaws anyway. Her mom will visit often but go home at the end of the day. Her mom speaks english, drives and can do errands/chores to help. She isn't dependent on them for everything. Her inlaws are.
It seems like a compromise is in order here. A weekend or a week is not enough time to bond with a new grandchild, especially when you live in another country and can't visit often. Put yourself in their shoes, and in your husband's. But while you're recovering from birth and getting to know your newborn, you're going to be sleep-deprived, uncomfortable/in pain, and stressed out as it is-- that's not a good time for visitors you find stressful. There's got to be another way-- and it sounds like asking they delay their visit for a few months could be a great option.
If you'll be returning to work, you can also take the approach of telling them that after you return to work, you'd really like your little one to delay entering daycare and be cared for by family as long as possible, and that's why you'd like them to visit a little later. If you're not returning to work, then again, mentioning that when the child is first born is not a good time to visit-- but emphasizing that you want them to visit and to visit long enough to bond with their grandchild-- might be enough.
@Sasha2011: It may not be the popular opnion on here, but I need to say that I completely agree with you.
I am in the compromise camp. Is there any way that you can rent them an apartment closeby while they stay here? I get that you don't want them around all the time, but wouldn't having them around for visits and living somewhere closeby be a nice (but potentially expensive) compromise?
I think it's totally reasonable to request no overnight visitors in the immediate time after birth. All-day visitors can be exhauting enough. Honestly, for the first couple months, I always felt a lot of relief when visitors would go home. It can be tiring enough getting to know your new little one without worrying about the house being clean, having dinner ready for guests, having groceries in your fridge, not having piles of laundry everywhere, etc... After about 6 weeks, I was feeling much more comfortable/confident about being a mother, and visitors didn't bother me as much.
I think it's a great idea to ask your in-laws to either a) come for several weekend visits over the course of the first 3 months of baby's life or b) ask them to come for an extended stay after the baby is 3+ months old. Many women request that visitors (especially overnight visitors) plan their visits on a specific schedule, and imo, it really makes things easier on you and the baby. I understood from your post that you weren't trying to cut your in-laws out completely; you just wanted a little extra space at the beginning and shorter visits until you have time to get comfortable with your new family.
@red_seattle: I agree! It is important for them to bond with their grand child and it is important for you to be stress free. I am sure you and your husband can work on a compromise. Good Luck!
@heathaah: and @lefeymw: and @Sasha2011:
I completely agree with you. Both sets of parents need to be treated equally. What one perceives as nice and unobtrusive may be viewed by another as cold and distant. Cultures vary, and when you choose to marry interculturally, you have to bear that in mind. I really think that a lack of attempt to compromise on this issue is a recipe for disaster.
When I have a kid, I can only hope my in-laws will come to stay. I need them to do all the cooking for me:)
Some great responses and I do apprecite them.
The issues isn't "to stay or not to stay". The issue isn't "treat all parents equally". The true issue is that my in-laws do not respect my provacy, the are inconsiderate for my daily rutine in my home, the take over my house, they are a completly different culture, they are much older, and they are stuck in their old ways. They will never change. If my MIL is in my house, she is constantly complaining, controlling, and entruding in my privacy. Does she do this intentionally? I don't think so. Is this her way of life? Yes! She was raised like this and she and her husband will NEVER change. Yes, they are loving people and would give the world to my husband and I, but they have no sense of privacy and that kills me. They are very inconsiderate and they don't even realize it. Why? Becuase of the extreme cultural difference.
They are staying with us now; they will be leaving in 3 more weeks. I am pulling my hair out. I will not go into all the things that are driving me nuts, but please believe that my feelings are truly justified. If I am feeling like this now, I can only imagine how terrible I will feel with a new born baby.
I will not deny them to spend time with their new grandchild; I would never do that. I am asking that for the 1st 3 months of the babies life, that they please do not stay with us. I need that time for myself, the baby, and my husband. Unfortuneately, they live far away and when they visit, they have to stay overnight. That only means that they will have the opportunity to see the baby after the first 3 months. Is this too much to ask for? The 1st 3 months of the babies life is the ONLY time that I would have to bond and spend with the baby. Then it's back to my 50 hour a week demanding job and the rest of the pleasures of life. At that time, they are more than welcome to stay for a week or so.
I don't think that I am out of line and certainly don't think that I am having a tantrum. hahaha.
I simply want my space with my baby and my husband for the 1st three months. My in-laws are great people, but the cultural difference, the age difference, the language barrier, the religion difference, these are all things that make the stays very hard to deal with. I don't think it's fair to put that kind of stress on me, a woman who will just have given birth and have the stress of raising a new baby. It will also put the stress on the baby and that is not fair at all. I would hate to put stress on my new born baby. My famiily will need this precious time and I don't think that asking them to not stay with us during the 1st 3 months is out of line.
@mandy83ala: So are you thinking they'll come whe the baby is born AND some time around 3 months? Seems to me it would make more sense just ask them to wait until baby is 3 months or so, rather than visiting 2x in that time period. Asking them to delay the visit until that point seems pretty reasonable to me too-- a 3 month old is still a very new baby, and 3 months is when things start to get fun, too. Hope they and your husband are agreeable to that plan.
This doesn't offer any help regarding your ILs staying while you have a newborn...But I am wondering if for the sake of future visits over the next 10+ years, have you considered trying to learn their language? At least a little? I am the only DIL who speaks my ILs language, and I know they really appreciate the break from speaking English to the other DILs!
You need time with your husband and baby to adjust to life together. It's a stressful enough time without having houseguests. 3 months is absolutely ridiculous. I honestly think either they are being totally selfish and think they deserve to impose on your life for a period of months on end while you become a family, or they don't see how awkward that is. I think just give them a couple of visit times that are okay with you and let them know what it is. If DH won't talk to them, try asking your SIL.
Sorry, grandparents are important but parents bonding with thier baby is much, much more important. Stick to your guns. You don't have to tell them they bother you, just tell them this is important bonding time for you and you want to adjust to life at home with a baby and that you'd be happy to have them visiting for weekends, but not extended periods of time. She was a new mother once, she should understand.
Hmm... I still find it hard to believe that they would stay over and not even bother cooking/cleaning for themselves. And also not bother lifting a finger to help you if/when you need it. Even a little help goes a LONG way when you are gonna have a baby. They can do the laundry and dishes too. Brooming and mopping. Chores like these are the same across ALL cultures. And how are they 'taking over the house'? Can you give some examples please? My grandparents are close to 90!!! And they live alone in a country where they don't speak the language and they do ALL their own household chores. So 75ish is not bad at all.
Look at the positive side of things... You don't have to speak to them because they don't know the language. So fewer conversations = less time you have to deal with them. And why do you HAVE to tend to them or cater to them? Keep yourself busy with your baby! They will get the message! They've had children too. And if they behaved differently when they had kids than you are, then they have to get used to your style. Because it is your home. Like I said, just be FIRM. And who knows, after this experience, they might wanna keep their distance themselves! (That's a huge possiblity.)
Above all you don't want your hubby to get hurt in the process. Thinking like "oh yeah? But what about me!? What about MY feelings!? Don't they account for anything!?!" isn't going to do much good because deep down inside, he has strong feelings of affection for them. They are his parents. He will definitely be more hurt than you if he wants them to stay or is okay with their stay (NOW and/or later), but you are not.
He needs to want to do this himself. If he does it because of you, he is not gonna like it deep down inside. And you know what, neither will you. Do you want THAT kind of stress?! Pick your battles wisely. You can't pick every single battle. You will get exhausted very quickly.
You need to sit down with your husband and tell him how you feel. It may not be great to hear, but you know what? You and your baby are first priority over his parents, and he SHOULD want your comfort accounted for first. Yes, they are a different culture, but he needs to realize that because of that difference, it makes it much harder and stressful on you. If he isn't willing to make his wife, the mother of his baby happy, then you have bigger issues.
When hubs and I were still contemplating having kids, I told him he better realize that I come first throughout any situation. We don't have different cultures or upbringings to deal with, and both sets of parents are pretty good with boundaries, but I wouldn't hesitate to tell any of them how I feel, or what I want. Sorry, its just as much your house as it is his, and he needs to make sure YOU are the most comfortable when that baby is born. Are you planning on breastfeeding? If you are, then stress and being uncomfortable will cause a milk supply problem. Make sure he realizes that your feelings and emotions can be felt by that baby, and it will affect his/her ability to be comfortable.
Bottom line is, he needs to understand where you are coming from. He may not like it, but he has to respect it, and put you first
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Hello all!
So, my husband and I are dicussing our mother and father in-law staying with us when the baby is born. They are from overseas and when they visit, they stay for 3-6 months. They stay with my husbands sister who lives in Michigan; we live in Illinois which is 3 hours away. They do visit us for a couple weeks-1 month during their stay in the states. I deal with it, it is hard, but I deal with it.
When we have our 1st baby, I do not want them to stay with us for extended periords of time; no more than the weekend. I will comprimise on having them stay with us the night the baby is born and for a max of 2 night after that; total 3 night visit when the baby is first born. I can understand that they are from out-of-town and want to see their grandbaby. I do not want them staying for a month or two. I don't think this will be helpful for me. I want to build my family with myself, baby, and husband and I don't want any other influences. I talked to my husband about this before we got married and I am sure he got the point because I said it quite bluntly.
My problem is that my in-laws do not speak English and I cannot tell them how I feel directly. I want them to understand completly that I want alone time with my family. I am concerned there may be an issue. My husband is VERY sensitive about his parents and has a hard time saying no to them. His mom is quite the complainer and generally gets what she wants because everyone gives in. I will not give in. I do not want them to stay with us and I will not allow it. We are trying to have a baby and I want to make sure this issue is addressed and won't be a problem. What should I do or what can I do to get everyone on the same page. Can anyone offer any suggestions or has anyone been in a similar situation?