Don't want my step daughter involved the ceremonm

posted 3 years ago in Ceremony
Post # 3
Member
3012 posts
Sugar bee

@TattooedChick23:  what if you say that you have the ceremony planned already but intend to share a private moment with her before.

 I hate other people putting expectations on me. Ugh. 

Post # 4
Member
374 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

As a junior bridesmaid will she be walking down the aisle and standing up front? That sounds like enough involvement in the ceremony to me.  Definitely no need for a sand ceremony if you don’t want it. And maybe give her a necklace at the rehearsal dinner, or maybe in the morning while getting ready? I agree that that’s better done in private than during the ceremony.

Post # 5
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@TattooedChick23:  She’s 10.  Why don’t you ask her what role she would like in the ceremony?  She may be fine with just walking down the aisle and not being put on the spot in the center of attention.  I think doing something privately like your necklace idea is a great idea.  I spoke vows to my stepdaughter in my first wedding ceremony and she was super shy and embarassed about it; in hindsight, I should have done it privately which would have suited her best.

Post # 6
Member
1951 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@sah612:  +1. You nailed it. 

Post # 7
Member
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@TattooedChick23:  I have a son who will be 9 on my wedding day. He is as shy as his mother and isn’t keen on doing much. He is going to stand up with my FI, sort of like a mini best man, and that’s it. It doesn’t mean we wont be joinin our families or anything like that. That is just what makes the three of us comfortable. Do what works for you guys! Good luck 🙂

Post # 8
Member
4760 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I thought you didn’t want her to do anythiing, but she’s a BM! that’s plenty.  You don’t have do do any other rituatls you don’t want to.  Just tell FSIL that it’s your ceremoney and you will plan it as you like.

Post # 9
Member
5932 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@TattooedChick23:  You aren’t being a bitch, in fact I think its nice to see a step-parent that leaves the blending of a family in a private arena.

Post # 10
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I disagree with you that the wedding day is only about the bride and groom, it’s about bringing two families together, as well.  It’s up to you guys if you want to do a ritual showing your joining your family together. I always thinks it’s a really nice gesture. But, if it’s not your style, then I think something private beforehand is nice, as well. The kids I’ve known who had a family joinging ceremony thing really enjoyed it, though.   

Post # 11
Member
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Don’t let your future in-laws put your stepdaughter in a position she doesn’t want to be in.

Talk to her, ask her how she’d like to be involved (and tell her that being a junior bridesmaid is involved enough if she likes!) and after that… you can stop stressing about what everyone else thinks you should do.

They’re always going to have an opinion (especially about your wedding), so I think it’s better to come to an understanding with your stepdaughter about her opinions. And, after that? It’s nobody’s business but yours and hers. 🙂

Good luck!

Post # 13
Member
3432 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I really find it creepy when the bride or groom makes promises to the stepchildren–and doubly so when the stepchildren are expected to make promises.  It makes it look as though the children are expected to make the relationship work–which is far too big a burden to put on them.  And if the two of you split up, but you’ve made vows to the children, are you really going to keep those vows?  If not, you shouldn’t be making them.

Post # 14
Member
2992 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Do what you’re comfortable with. That being said, just about every wedding I have attended in recent years where children from previous relationships were involved, the children were acknowledged in the wedding ceremony in some fashion. I have never seen it done with sand though – usually just joining hands. When children are involved, a marriage is a creation of a blended family, not the mere joining of a man and a woman. However if your stepdaughter is shy, I am sure there are other ways to celebrate.

 

Post # 15
Member
7203 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@TattooedChick23:  Ha, you caught me out with a misleading title. You should have said, “I don’t want to devote half the ceremony to my stepdaughter”.

Having her as Junior BM is perfect. FMIL and FSIL need to butt out.

For the record, I’ve been to several weddings where one or both partners had children, and never once seen them involved other than being in the wedding party and maybe a mention during the celebrant’s message.

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