(Closed) Don't want to be judgmental about BIL but….

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
770 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@tmsing:  I feel like that’s something you can be okay being judgemental about. It’s okay to make personal judgements about if you like someone, based on their decision to get white power tattoes.


I mean, if you can’t judge someone’s personality on that, what can you?

Post # 5
92 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2002

Wow, what a completely moronic thing for him to have done to himself.  I can totally understand why it bothers you.  I do think you should try not to let it bother you, though.  Not because it’s not stupid and it is pretty offensive, but because you are going to have to see him in the future; maybe a lot.  If you can say to yourself “I’m over this, I’ve oncquered it”  and truly make it not matter, then you will be much happier when you are thrown together.  You will be able to be comfprtable and easy.  If he seems to treat you well and you are friendly with eachother, maybe in time you can joke about it, and he may even tell you how much he regrets doing it. 

Post # 6
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

Ugh. What does your SO think about it? Do they have a strong relationship? 

Post # 7
4478 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Yeah, that’s a reasonable case for judgment.  Unfortunately because he’s your BIL you’re best avoiding problems if you can by keeping things civil with him.  Being civil doesn’t mean you have to like him, and I don’t blame you if you don’t.

Post # 9
10802 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

@tmsing:  he is not a little racist, he’s a racist. The white power thing attracts losers who want to feel bettere about themselves by denigrating everyone Else. Sure, he’s an addict and in jail, but he’s white. Woo hoo. ./ s I guess no one ever told him that he doesn’t get credit for his skin color, only for his character. 

it seems like he comes by his racism via his mother, given what she said to you about Chinese people. That is offensive and rude and unacceptable, but maybe she’s just ignorant and you can hope she grows out of it. Being ignorant and therfor a racist and being into white power can be two diferent things. One is a hostile aggression and the other is a function of ignorance and perhaps culture. I’m not excusing his mothers words, just trying to discuss the realities of dealing with folks like that. 

if they abused your Fiance as he said and are still excusing it, then distance is the best idea no matter how they feel about it. I don’t think you need to subject yourself to folks who are going to treat you inappropriately just because they are ignorant. Keep reminding yourself it’s not personal and it’s their problem, but that is no reason to subject yourself to it very often. His brother sounds like a class a bully and loser, and I don’t use those wrods lightly. 


Post # 10
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

@tmsing:  Wow, what a horrible situation. I would definitely want to keep BIL at a distance too. I would talk to your SO about how you feel and hopefully you two can come to an agreement about boundaries. The sooner the better too. I would not want your SO to promise his brother things and then take them back if he’s shown that he can be unpredictable. 

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