Post # 1
I just remembered that he has “white bred” tattooed on his knuckles. I am a minority.
It’s just really awkward. I love his daughter and get along well enough with her mother, but I honestly wouldn’t be sad if I never had to see him again.
Post # 3
@tmsing: I feel like that’s something you can be okay being judgemental about. It’s okay to make personal judgements about if you like someone, based on their decision to get white power tattoes.
I mean, if you can’t judge someone’s personality on that, what can you?
Post # 5
Wow, what a completely moronic thing for him to have done to himself. I can totally understand why it bothers you. I do think you should try not to let it bother you, though. Not because it’s not stupid and it is pretty offensive, but because you are going to have to see him in the future; maybe a lot. If you can say to yourself “I’m over this, I’ve oncquered it” and truly make it not matter, then you will be much happier when you are thrown together. You will be able to be comfprtable and easy. If he seems to treat you well and you are friendly with eachother, maybe in time you can joke about it, and he may even tell you how much he regrets doing it.
Post # 6
Ugh. What does your SO think about it? Do they have a strong relationship?
Post # 7
Yeah, that’s a reasonable case for judgment. Unfortunately because he’s your BIL you’re best avoiding problems if you can by keeping things civil with him. Being civil doesn’t mean you have to like him, and I don’t blame you if you don’t.
Post # 8
@AlwaysSunny: He thinks it’s really embarrassing and they have a very mixed relationship. The family loves to hold things over my husband’s head, like how his brother taught him how to read and used to take care of him as a baby. But he’s also stolen from him, beaten him up to the point where he gets seizures to this day (from his brother and bullies from school) and my husband cannot drive due to this. His mom can be a witch sometimes and will tell my husband that he lies about his childhood a lot when he even mentions something his brother did wrong. We have no idea how he’s going to get a job when he gets out of prison…he’s serving a 2 year sentence right now and being released in a few months. And honestly my husband and I have been to therapists loads of times, they tell us to maintain a distant relationship from them which can be very hard because they need a lot of attention and affection and in some ways don’t accept distant relationships even if it might be healthier.
We all know he is a little racist towards black people and asians. He’s made fun of my mother before because of the way she talks; you can tell right away that she’s not american-born and people in public have been nasty towards her about that in the past.
I just wonder at what point we as a couple will decide to draw the line because our feelings do influence each other a little bit. BIL is an addict (drugs, alcohol, theft) and I guess I can try to send positive vibes his way when possible but I have little love for him and he already knows that. Mother in law is a split personality. She’s cried before over the thought of her son being racist, but she’s also turned around and said in front of me that Chinese men are known for raping their daughters. I am partly of Chinese descent and that was such a rude, rude thing to say. I wish to goodness I could stop finding reasons to not like my husband’s family but sometimes I’ll just be sitting there and I’ll remember something that one of them did. As much as I know it doesn’t do to live in the past, it repeats itself so often with that family (everyone except husband).
All I know though, is that we’re not putting him up when he gets out of jail. I haven’t brought it up to my husband, but I heard him tell his brother on the phone that he wants him to see our place when he gets out. And I thought I made it clear that I never want him to see where we live….I know that’s a lot to ask though but at the same time I think how I feel is valid.
Post # 9
@tmsing: he is not a little racist, he’s a racist. The white power thing attracts losers who want to feel bettere about themselves by denigrating everyone Else. Sure, he’s an addict and in jail, but he’s white. Woo hoo. ./ s I guess no one ever told him that he doesn’t get credit for his skin color, only for his character.
it seems like he comes by his racism via his mother, given what she said to you about Chinese people. That is offensive and rude and unacceptable, but maybe she’s just ignorant and you can hope she grows out of it. Being ignorant and therfor a racist and being into white power can be two diferent things. One is a hostile aggression and the other is a function of ignorance and perhaps culture. I’m not excusing his mothers words, just trying to discuss the realities of dealing with folks like that.
if they abused your Fiance as he said and are still excusing it, then distance is the best idea no matter how they feel about it. I don’t think you need to subject yourself to folks who are going to treat you inappropriately just because they are ignorant. Keep reminding yourself it’s not personal and it’s their problem, but that is no reason to subject yourself to it very often. His brother sounds like a class a bully and loser, and I don’t use those wrods lightly.
Post # 10
@tmsing: Wow, what a horrible situation. I would definitely want to keep BIL at a distance too. I would talk to your SO about how you feel and hopefully you two can come to an agreement about boundaries. The sooner the better too. I would not want your SO to promise his brother things and then take them back if he’s shown that he can be unpredictable.