Don't want to burden the wedding party…Anyone have this issue?

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
1287 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Vsmart:  Totally in the same boat.  I am SO, sometimes OVERLY empathetic to everyone elses situations, that I tend to side with not asking for help and doing it myself.  When it comes to wedding planning, thus far, I am so far on that side because “I feel bad” that most of my BM’s are far away, and/or have growing families, will be spending some money on me, etc, etc, etc.

However, much like you, I am lucky to still have their undying support.  Hearing them tell me to “STOP.  PLEASE ASK FOR HELP.  WE ARE HERE FOR YOU” is amazing.  My sisters, my two MOH are actually sad that I have not reached out more, if not at all, because they want to be there, all hands on deck. 

And so, after many of these discussions with various people, I have decided that IF they offer their helping hands, then I will utilize them in whatever capacity is needed.  I mean, I do not need them to go to 50 different appointments with me, but certainly when the time comes, I will ask them to kindly come over, and help me arrange the seating chart (I will even provide wine and food to boot!).  When they ask about the wedding/marriage, I will not blow it off, but go over things/vent if need be/ask opinions and advice.  I am quickly learning that they are offering because they want to help, not because they need too.  I do not think it requires nagging or pestering, but just asking.  If you come across someone disinterested, then move on to the next person perhaps 🙂

Happy wedding planning!

Post # 4
Member
7281 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

What is it that you think you need their input on a year before the wedding? Attire for the ladies can wait another 6 months, and for the guys it can wait another 9 months. You don;t need to worry about their logistics. Tell then what time they need to show up for the rehearsal and the big day and let them deal with it as they see fit. They are adults; they can handle it. 🙂

Post # 5
Member
227 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I had the same feelings toward my bridal party, even though most of them offered to help every time I talked to them. A few in the wedding party were going through some very tough personal issues, so it felt very wrong to bring up little wedding things that seemed so petty in comparison. 

In the end though, these people agreed to be in your wedding, so they know there is a certain amount of responsibilty associated with that. Don’t burden them with every little decision (What shoes should they wear, what should the guys boutinieres look like, how should the girls wear their hair, etc.) DH and I made almost all of the decisions ourselves, and then told everyone, this is the attire you need to buy by this date, this is when we need you to be there the morning of the wedding, this is what you need to bring, on and on. Just make sure you give them enough notice for everything. It worked out fine for us. 

Post # 6
Member
8418 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@Vsmart:  I did everything myself, and my DIY list was pretty extensive.  I think it’s all about pacing yourself.  My bridesmaids helped me 2 days before the wedding by packing up my flowers, but other than that they were here to party and have a good time.

Post # 7
Member
789 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@Vsmart:  I can definitely understand how you feel!  My fiance and I moved across the country for his career, and every single one of our wedding party members are in different cities.  He’s from Ohio and I’m from Florida (originally).  Additionally, he works CRAZY hours (I’m talking an average of 15 hour days, at least 5-6 days a week).  

I’ve used emails with my 8 bridesmaids to coordinate dress shopping, shoe choices, bridal shower date, etc.  I just email them all and ask them to reply all.  That worked well, and the girls that were unable to attend the dress shopping session in Orlando were notified of decisions on dresses via phone calls and text messages.  My sister made a Facebook group for her bridesmaids to help get information out.  I personally prefer email, but do whatever works for you!  

Honestly, the person who gets the worst of my “nagging” is my fiance.  I have done 99.9% of the planning because he works such long hours, but for certain things he has to be involved.  It took a lot of pestering to get him to officially ask his groomsmen to be a part of the wedding.  I went by myself to Jos A Bank to pick out the suits and accessories they would wear, and I’m not even going to ask him to tell the guys about ordering their suits until we’re 3 monts out from the wedding.

Eventually you may find that it is easier to just make decisions on your own, or just with input from your fiance.  As long as the wedding date works for the people most important to you, don’t stress too much about getting everyone’s input!  For the attire, choose a few options you know you’ll be happy with then let them choose from those.  You can worry about logistics of the day as the day gets closer.  Hopefully by then everyone will be a bit more responsive!  Also, maybe asking your fiance to help wrangle his groomsmen will be beneficial? 

 

Post # 8
Member
387 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I live in a completely different state than all of my bridal party.  Normally they just ask if there’s anything they can do to help.  Three of my bridesmaids are looking for dresses and shoes, one is helping me look for flowers.  I find that it helps to send a group message every once in awhile and make plans on there.  Don’t be afraid to delegate some jobs, like ideas for attire, and day of, they probably want to help!

Post # 9
Member
40 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2013

other than going to an appointment to choose dresses, you don’t really need them to do anything but show up. if they offer their help, then great, include them, but otherwise its up to the bride and groom to plan the wedding.

i work 2 jobs and am in a phd program, so i understand your fh’s situation, but he’s not being fair to you leaving everything up to you. you’re not marrying yourself. he should be helping. it may be time for a talk with him where you say: “we have to do x,y,z. what will you be doing to help?”. its really not an option for him to do nothing and leave all the planning to you. 

Post # 10
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Other than them being involved to select the dresses and showing up to the ceremony on time, I’m not sure what else you’d ask them to do.  Just remember that your wedding party does not become your staff and they have no obligation to pitch in.  If they offer, great, but please don’t expect anything of them.  If you find you need lots of help, you’re doing WAY too much for your wedding.

Post # 11
Member
3210 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@SophieB3:  Haha, not to thread-jack, but I think we are the same person! My FI is also from Ohio, I’m from Florida, and we just moved across the country. We are also getting married in Orlando in January. 🙂

Post # 12
Member
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I kept feeling bad and not asking for help, and regretted it – everyone wanted to help so bad, but my FI and I tried doing it all ourselves, and in the process a few projects never came to light because I didn’t have the time to do them myself. I’m sure there’s one or two things that are easy for them to do even in other locations, or at least the weekend of. For instance – having a BM or MOH create an emergency kit for the day of, being in charge of food for the day, coordinating everyone’s phone numbers, taking care of tips, etc. Little things that you don’t have to worry about!

Post # 13
Member
8592 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

What do you need them to do?

FI isn’t very helpful to me so I do most of the wedding planning.  But there really hasn’t been anything I needed my BM to do (they’ve offered) other than the shower (they were great!) and picking dates to go try on dresses.

I didn’t really have to nag them.  I just text/called back and forth and we picked (2) dates that worked.  I set up the appointment and told them and they showed up.  I did have to send them reminders to call in and pay for their dress by X date, but that was about it.

We also texted back and forth about shower dates and times but it didn’t take time out of their day to do simple texts.

Same thing with our bachelorette trip.

I don’t know…I haven’t needed them for much else.  I only have one big DIY project but I just do a little at a time over 2-3 months and it’s getting done.  Other small DIY stuff (like table numbers) haven’t taken me more than 2 hours or so.

I will probably see if one wants to help me to my seating chart (picking out who goes to what tables).

They keep offering to help and saying they feel like they’re not doing much but I just don’t’ have that much for them to do!  At least until we get within a month of the date.

Post # 14
Member
1952 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

After I asked all my BMs, I created a group chat on Facebook and we’ve been bouncing ideas off of each other ever since. My cousin who stood down as BM due to being heavily pregnant by wedding day has taken charge of the batchelorette party, as my MOH just gave birth to her third child (my second niece!), but MOH is helping me out with other stuff. Another BM is keeping an eye out for shoes and one BM found the BMs dress for me. They have definitely helped, and saved me from total freak out! I’m organising all their makeup and hair for them, so all they’re paying for is the dress and shoes (won’t cost more than $90 per person).

 

FH has actually been really good with wedding planning. For someone who only has one thing they care about on the day – marrying me! – he’s had a lot of input, which I’m thankful for. If you need help, ask. You sound like you have an amazing support system in your BMs, so why not take them up on it? If they’re willing to help, let them. You’re not a burden, I promise.

 

Post # 15
Member
6273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Vsmart:  what exactly do you need their help with? 

i went dress shopping with my BMs and MOH.  we picked a day that worked for all of us. found a perfect dress that day.

one of my BMs is a graphic designer, she offered to do my STDs and invitations. She will also print the program, escort cards, and welcome bag letter after I give it to her.  This was all by her choice.

Other than that, I’ve only spent time with them during normal friend interactions.

MOH asked if she could help me do anything.  I told her I was ok with everything.  I asked FI to help me stuff invitations and stamp them.  I ended up doing it myself and it didn’t take long.

FI told his GM they need to get measured (can go anywhere) and send in measurements if out of town to our tux place.  No rush, they can do this 1 month before.

Logistics, they know the date and plan to be at the RD, they need to be at the hotel around noon on the wedding day to start getting ready, and they are invited to sunday breakfast.

i’m only pestering them (in a joking way) about when my surprise shower is…

Post # 16
Member
2395 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I felt the same way, so I didn’t ask anyone to do anything.  It would have been very difficult anyway, since only one of my BMs was local – the others were my sister who had a baby 3 weeks before the wedding, my 2 nieces who were 8 and 10, and my BFF who was recovering from a major illlness.  In fact she almost wasn’t able to come to the wedding, but she made it!

Anyway, I really didn’t feel like there was anything for them to do.  I had no interest in a bachelorette, I had a shower at work and a surprise shower thrown by my college girlfriends, and I didn’t do much DIY (just invitations and programs, and I’m a control freak about that stuff – H didn’t really even get a say LOL).  

The biggest headache I skipped was attire – I just told them to wear whatever they wanted because I really didn’t care and I knew they would all look gorgeous anyway.  I just told them not floor length because it wasn’t formal and was on a July morning, so pretty warm.  I don’t like the matchy-matchy look and I didn’t want anyone spending more $$ than they had to because they almost all had to travel (one by plane) and stay overnight.

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