Post # 1
Long story made short – FI and I have had some drama with his family since the day we met almost. It’s like a rollar coaster of good times and bad – mostly stemming from their religious convictions and the fact that FI and I live together and don’t have a deep faith like them.
Most recently its been bad stemming from FI’s brother in law sending an email in May basically saying he would like to cut off communication with us because he doesn’t support us or our lifestyle, feels we are immature, don’t respect FI’s mother, that we cause drama and are petty. He also said not to respond because he didn’t care what we had to say anymore – basically he was done.
Since then we have not spoken to BIL or FI’s sister (BIL’s wife). Nor has FI’s sister tried to reach out to us or make amends for her husbands email, besides saying we misunderstood what he meant. Neither FI nor I are quite sure how we could misunderstand what he wrote…
Anyway, we are at the point of sending invitations. I know in my heart the right thing is to invite this pr!*k to our wedding, but I really do not want to. We haven’t spoken to him, FI’s 2 sisters (both adults) or FI’s mother (FI’s parents are divorced) since sometime in April/May. We both know we have to invite his mother and sisters to the wedding, but neither of us want to invite the BIL after his comments to us. Again, I know the right thing is to be the bigger person and suck it up…
But its our wedding day and I don’t want to suck it up 🙁 These people will all come once invited and aren’t the most tactful. If I thought they’d come, sit in a corner and be quiet – great. But they won’t. They’ll make sure they are heard and we know they’re all there. It’s a bad situation.
Any advice on how to handle the situation or any comments on making it through the day without wanting to hurt BIL for his nasty remarks…
Needed to vent, but also would love advice!
Post # 3
Man. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. Getting to know the FILs is difficult enough without all of this. I think I would feel the same way as you, I wouldn’t want to invite them, but at the same time, I might see it as the “bigger” thing to do. In all honestly, I think things might be made worse if you didn’t invite him. I think it might just add fuel to his fire on his campaign against you. If you invite and he decides not to come because he disapproves of your lifestyle, then at least you can say you tried. If he does come and acts out, then hopefully everyone will see him for what he is and consider him a jerk for impeding your wedding day!
Post # 4
You know, in my opinion…don’t send him an invite.
You said your FI is ok with that, so there’s no problem there.
You do NOT need someone running their mouth at YOUR wedding. It’s supposed to be the best day of your life. You don’t need people like that there.
He wanted to cut off all communication so honor his wishes and don’t send him an invite. I wouldn’t send his wife one either because then you run the risk of him coming with her and hence running his mouth at your wedding.
Post # 5
If he can’t be trusted to behave… you can invite him and hire security in case he doesn’t behave or you can not invite him. There’s also the possibility of hand delivering the invitation and trying to make a reconciliation at that time – I don’t know your BIL and if that would work. If you invite both him and his wife, there’s a possibility that only she would come since he disapproves of you so much. It really sucks when people can’t shut up about their disapproval for at least one day.
Post # 6
I second thecolorteale–he said he wanted to cut off communication, so do so. I know you know the “right” thing to do, but do you want bad memories of your wedding day? He needs to learn that running his mouth has consequences, especially since he’s so religious, he should know that only God can judge!
Post # 7
If they have such strong religious convictions (and I believe this is true in every religion) how could they judge you like that? No communication means no communication, means no invitation. People like this give religion (all of them!) a bad name, I doubt god would behave that way!
Post # 8
I don’t think you have to invite them. He said he is done – so let it be, especially since it is causing you so much pain. In time he will come to realize what he has thrown away.
Post # 9
This situation really stinks! I am sorry you have to go through this. That being said, don’t invite him. Surround yourselves with people who love you and want to share this special day with you.
@Sally – I agree with you wholeheartedly! I have found that some of the people claiming to be “religious” are the biggest hypocrites! Who are they to judge?! Unfortunately, I live with one… Sigh.
Post # 10
I am so sorry that you are being treated like this. there is just no excuse for poor manners or rudeness.
I deal with people like this by sweetly smiling at them, patting their arm and saying “Thank you for telling me how you feel. I’m going to pray for you.”
Post # 11
Ahhh thank you all 🙂 Your comments mean so much to me! I knew I could count on the hive for support and understanding!! I will be sharing this with the FI when it comes down to the wire to the make the final decision.
Thank you all so so much! 😀
@cheerful…in response to hand delivering an invite – we live in KY and FI’s entire family is in VA. Not really an option, unforunately. But it probably wouldn’t work – last time we were in VA (late May) FI’s dad tried to get the family together to talk it out, make amends so as not to create stress and hurt feelings going into our wedding, but no one would returns his calls about it. It’s definitely a bummer in so many ways, but FI and I are on the same page which is really all that matters as we start a new chapter in our lives! It just stinks for my FI because he’s seeing his family’s true colors weeks before our wedding.
Sometimes in the final weeks things get so emotional and crazy, its nice to know others see your point of view!
Post # 12
I agree definitely don’t invite him. I definitely understand feeling bad, but I guess if you’re FI is okay with it don’t invite him. Although I suppose you should consider if you want a relationship with him or the sister or their family it all. If you want to at some point down the road, you may have to invite him. But ugh! I’m so sorry you’re going through this!
Post # 13
I have to agree, he made the choice of cutting all communication. I know you want to be the bigger person and I think I wold too, but if you really feel it is a bad idea and are dreading it that much, it is your wedding day honey. You need to do what will make you happy. I also agree with sally that if he claims be so religious then he would know better than to judge you like that and leave it in God’s hands.
Post # 14
I agree with the hive on this one – don’t invite him. You want to be surrounded by people who love, accept, and suuport you on your wedding day, and who are there to celebrate your love. Anyone who can’t or won’t do that for whatever reason need not be included. Also you’d just drive yourself crazy worrying about them making nasty remarks and just generally being unpleasant all day and you don’t need that. Forget them. If they can’t share in your happiness, they shouldn’t be there.
Post # 15
I second cheerful‘s suggestion… I think that you should hand deliver, at a last attempt to fix things and if he still pushes you away, then leave it at that and be done with it.
I’m sorry you’re going through this and I hope that you and your FI can find the happiness amongst all the drama. Don’t let them bring you down, you and FI are each others families now and that’s all you need.
Take Care 🙂
Post # 16
Steph921, I’m sorry that attempts to rectify the situation in person haven’t worked out. Maybe then a last-ditch phone call?