- 3 years ago
- Wedding: January 2012
I’ve always known this would be an issue for us, I’ve been adamant since we started talking about kids (while we were dating) that I didn’t want to find out the sex of our first child (it’s sort of a tradition in my family), DH has said he wants to know, but always waved it off saying “we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it”… Well, I’m pregnant and we can’t come to a compromise.
It took us a long time to get pregnant and our odds of doing it on our own were slim, but we did!! However, it could take years (if it happens at all) for us to have a second child (assuming, lord help us, that everything is ok with this one). My original compromise was that we don’t find out for the first one (get all gender neutral stuff for any future kids… which I would want regardless of gender), then find out for any subsequent kids. DH is NOT going for that because this could be our only child (I’m sure we would be able to get pregnant again, it just might take a few years.. but it happened once I’m positive it would happen again. His parents had fertility issues and they had 2 bio kids. It’s possible).
DH’s idea of compromise is that we can not find out IF he gets to name the kid a “junior”, which is something I am adamantly against… I hate the idea and if it was a tradition in his family I would consider it (I’m big on tradition) but it isn’t, the kid would be the ONLY Jr in DH’s entire family. If we do find out he said I could name the kid whatever I want. DH is pushing the name because shortly after we got engaged we were having fun drinking at a bar making stupid bets and made a drunken wager about names and DH “won” and he’s been holding it over my head ever since. I’m sorry, but choosing a child’s name isn’t something that should be drunkenly bet on and upheld. I’ve asked him why he wants a “Jr.” and he basically says “because I do… I won the bet”. He has mentioned he wants to honor his family “and his family gave him the name”, but there are other ways to do that, and I’m WILLING to do that in other ways… But he is so hung up on the fact that he won a stupid card pull (highest card “wins”) that I feel like he doesn’t even care about the gravity of the situation.
I don’t see this as a compromise because a child’s name is something that BOTH parents should agree on. This is something the child will have and we will have to live with for the rest of our lives! I don’t see how these are even on the same LEVEL, one is a few months of surprise/uncertainty for him, one is a lifetime of a name I absolutely hate for me. That isn’t fair at all.
I’ve asked DH what his reasons are for wanting to find out, and basically he just “wants to know”. He wants to be able to get gender specific things and buy the appropriate toys for the kid. (I explained that babies don’t really get gender specific toys until they are older so this wouldn’t be a problem and he over reacted and said he wanted to buy them now and put them in storage until the kid needed/wanted them…. ). But other than that he couldn’t give me a real reason besides “I just want to know”.
My reasons for NOT wanting to know are that it’s something I’ve wanted to do my whole life, it’s a tradition in my family, I have a great memory of when my niece was born and my BIL walked out of the delivery room to give us the news that it was a girl, it was such a special moment and I really want that for DH and I, I want all gender neutral stuff and if I found out I would have a hard time staying neutral, I’m really worried they could be wrong (we aren’t getting a lot of ultrasounds, probably just the one) DH REALLY wants a boy and I think if he was told it was a boy and it turned out to be a girl he would have a lot of gender disappointment on the day of the birth, same goes the other way for me, if I don’t know I’m evenly split and will be happy either way, but if they said it was a girl I would get pretty excited about it, and if I found out it was a boy at delivery I wouldn’t want any bit of dissapointment, but it might if that happened. Not to mention if we buy things for one gender and they are wrong then we are at square one anyway. I’m also planning on going drug free so I feel having that extra bit of excitement will be JUST what I need in labor to pull through.
He mentioned maybe he could find out and not me, but I said “you would never be able to keep that secret” and he agreed. So that’s not an option (and would defeat the whole “moment” after birth were he announces what it is and we are both finding out for the first time). I’m willing to compromise, but I don’t think I should have to give up a dream I’ve had forever, and I don’t think I should have to name my kid something I hate to have that dream.
I’m actually making myself sick over this, and I’m really worried we won’t come to a decision. I don’t want to strong arm him into it (like flat out telling the tech we don’t want to know, or bribing them to lie to DH and say they couldn’t tell).
Any suggestions on other ways we could compromise??
(ps. you are awesome if you read all of that!)