Post # 1
So I am getting married in 3 days but I really feel like I don’t want to get married. I am really dreading my wedding day. My FH really wants to get married and I feel like I am only doing it for him sometimes. We have been together 3 years and I don’t want to break up but I don’t want to get married either!
There has been lots of wedding drama with family issues, although none of it has to do with my FH. He is amazing.
But I still don’t know what to do. I have thought of calling it off…but I don’t know if it is just cold feet.
Post # 3
If you really don’t want to get married….have a discussion with your FI and tell him how you feel. He may be able to talk you down if it’s just cold feet or that conversation might set your resolve to call off the wedding. He probably doesn’t want to marry someone who doesn’t want to marry him. Just don’t jilt him…that would be awful.
Post # 4
Is it the wedding or the marriage you’re upset about? It sounds primarily like the wedding.
The night goes so fast, and then it’s over, if that’s what you’re worried about – you’re in the home stretch now.
Failing that, head to your library and look for anything “The Conscious Bride” related. I have the book and it helped a ton during my engagement.
Post # 5
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@theevenstarlight: Write down two lists. On one puts the reasons you want to get married, on the other put down the reasons you don’t want to get married. Now compare the reasons. Realize that calling off a wedding is much much much easier than getting a divorce. Also, calling off the wedding may be the end of your relationship if your FH is hurt about it so if you want to salvage any part of it and call off the wedding you need to discuss it with him first. Maybe he feels the same way. But don’t get married just because you are too afraid to call off the wedding. Maybe throw out a hypothetical with a trusted friend or family member to see what their reaction is.
Post # 6
I talked to him before about it, and of course he still wants to get married.
I made the two lists like you suggested (GREAT idea BTW), and the “don’t” list actually had nothing to do with him….it was all about me.
For example, I don’t want his last name (he is fine with me keeping my own), I don’t want to have in-laws (having one family is enough for me), I don’t like the terms husband and wife, I like having a boyfriend/single life, etc.
We agree on all the major things, such as religion, money, politics, no children, etc. And we do a lot of fun things together, such as traveling, musicals (hard to find a guy who likes them), parties, hiking, some sports, etc.
My FH thinks it’s all semantics, and maybe he’s right. I think I am having a hard time letting go of my single life, even though I really haven’t been single in 3 years. I am 28 years old BTW, and so is he.
I read the book “Emotionally Engaged” when we first got engaged 10 months ago and it really helped, but now I’m having problems again 🙁
Post # 7
@theevenstarlight: I think you need to sit down and think about the real reasons you don’t want to get married.
As of right this moment, I have zip, zero, zilch- no motivation to get married or to keep planning, and my wedding is on November. I don’t like being in the spotlight, there has been some emotional crap I’ve been dealing with with my family the past month- more than just one issue (and to think I thought I came from a “normal” family LOL)- and we just ran into some gross financial crap. It’s been so stressful this past week that I have a little rash right my my mouth) stress induced) that looks horrible, and won’t go away until I stop being stressed.
The one thing I have had to keep reminding myself- and relaying to my FI the past week- is that I DO want to marry him, even though I don’t feel like having a wedding. There is a difference. I want to be his wife, at this moment, I just feel like becoming his wife through the traditional method, if that makes sense. I have become withdrawn (which is more like preoccupied) with all the crap I’ve been dealing with that him and I haven’t spent any quality time together since early last week. I know he feels a little sad- and I feel bad. But I can’t bring myself out of all this funk right now :/
Do you think maybe it’s just stress/family drama you’ve have to deal with along the way?
Post # 8
@theevenstarlight: I’m sorry you are feeling that way. Just keep in mind marriage it’s not about “one big day or celebration” it’s a compromise to yourself and your partner that will last a lifetime. Write down the reasons why you want to be with him forever, why you choose him.
Also remember you found the one, and calling off the weeding will hurt his feelings and you might end up loosing him forever. Now it’s nice to have a single life but it’s something that will only last a few more years, you can still have fun with your partner after you are married.
Post # 9
Thank you everyone for your advice.
I love him a lot, and we will probably get married, but I wish I was looking forward to the wedding, not dreading it. I know it’s okay to let myself feel however I am feeling and not force anything, but with a few days to go, I just don’t think I should feel dread!
Post # 10
I agree you shouldn’t feel dread. I think there is something going on with your gut instincts and you should find a trusted person, a neutral third party such as a counselor or therapist, in whom you can confide.
I think our gut instincts rarely steer us wrong.
But I would also agree with PPs that if you do call it off, do it gently and be direct about it. Plus one to the PP who said not to jilt him at the altar. That happened to very good girlfriend of mine many years ago and she was devastated.
Post # 11
Sounds like cold feet.
You said he’s amazing, and from what you’ve written the reasons you don’t want to get married don’t sound like a huge deal. Not wanting in laws- except you guys have been together for years now. Your relationship with them won’t change dramatically just because you have a wedding. Not liking the terms husband/wife- they’re just words. Call yourselves whatever you like!
It’s normal to have nerves, but you guys are on the same page with all major issues and if you love him and want to be with him forever I think you have your answer..