(Closed) Don't want to go out with them

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
205 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I have the same personality and I don’t do well in groups, especially when everyone knows each other except me. I don’t really know what to tell you other than sometimes you have to compromise. Maybe tell your FI that you are uncomfortable since they all know each other so well and hopefully he is the kind of guy to give you a little extra support. Just because you go somewhere with them for the weekend doesn’t mean you have to spend all of your time with them.

Post # 4
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Anna22:  Hmmm, this is tough.  Personally I think you should go and try to get out of your comfort zone a little.  Perhaps they aren’t ignoring you – if you aren’t actively participating in the conversation, they might interpret that as you being not interested and/or not really liking them.  If it helps, I don’t generally get along well with women, I’m kind of a guy’s girl.  So if we get together in a group, I’ll talk to the ladies for a little while, then I’ll hook up with my husband and his buddies and participate in that conversation – it helps me connect with the girls but when I feel the conversation is going down a road I’m not interested in (“OMG!  I love your shirt… is that from the Limited!?  I LOOOOVE the Limited”  Jemma says, “Blah!”) I excuse myself and talk to the dudes!

Basically, you don’t want to be the wife that comes between your husband and his buddies.  Since this is a long weekend bring along a book, your iPod, whatever you need to escape for a little while if you need it.  Prepare for time with the girls by reading up on some interesting topics before you head out.  Think about any ways in which you girls have some common ground and focus on that during time with “the girls.”

Good luck.

Post # 5
Member
2282 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I would give it a try. If, after a full weekend of trying to find something in common with them you still can’t, then feel free to write them off. 

I know it’s hard to be shy, but if you aren’t going to speak, they don’t have much choice but to to talk amongst themselves. Sometimes, with a group, it’s easiest to connect with individual people and then with the group – a weekend away might give you chances to do that. And try to at least engage with them in the conversations they’re having – “So what was your favorite part of your trip to Spain?” is an entry into the conversation. 

Post # 8
Member
1963 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I often find myself in a similar position.  Fi has 3 friends whom he is very close to, and honestly he doesn’t really like people that much so these are actually the only friends he likes to really spend time with. I end up being expected to hang out with  their gfs/wives and honestly I don’t have much in common with these women. This has been going on for several years now and I really feel that if I was meant to be besties with these ladies it would have happened by now. So we compromise. Sometimes I go along and I hang out. Otherwise FI goes alone. If he refuses to go alone I go with unless I have a valid reason not to. The way I see it is, these are his good friends and it’s not fair to put him in a position of having to chose them or me. Think about how you DH will feel. Would he still go along and enjoy himself, or will you refusing to go mean that he never sees these friends? Sometimes marriage is about compromise and sacrifice,  and that might mean spending time with people you don’t always want to because the two of you are a social unit and expected to go places together. Just my two cents from someone who’s learned it’s not worth the fight!

 

ETA: From your follow up posts it kind of seems like you have already made up your mind? If that’s the case i don’t mean to sound rude but why are you bothering to ask people what they think if you’ve already decided?

Post # 9
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Anna22:  I TRIED to talk to one of the girls when she was talking about how her feet started swelling up in Spain. I asked her what happened and if she went to the doctor for it…but that was for a minute.

You can’t place the onus on these girls alone.  In a group setting, everyone has a responsibility to participate and keep the conversation going.  So you asked one question, she answered it, and only a minute passed,… that’s what happens when people converse.  You could have asked a follow up question, or commented on something else the girl said, etc. 

Then after my husband came, she asked him why we never go to their house! She tried to make it seem like she’s very friendly so my DH would think it’s my fault

I think you’re being a wee bit too sensitive here.  Take things at face value.  That doesn’t sound like she’s blaming you or trying to make your husband think you’re a jerk.  More than anything it sounds like she’s extending you both the opportunity to get to know them better.

My assessment of this situation is this:  You seem standoff-ish and unwilling to put yourself out there and get to know these people better.  If the group setting makes you uncomfortable, make an effort to get to know these women in a one on one setting.  Go to the girls house for dinner!  Or invite another couple to your home.  You don’t have to be best buds with these women, but it wouldn’t kill you forge some type of relationship with them!  Really, they seem like nice people who don’t know what to do with you because you don’t want to get to know them!

Post # 10
Member
5221 posts
Bee Keeper

I understand what it is like to be new to the group and a shy person. There really is no way to “ease” into the situation, other than to just suck it up and every experience is a new one. Having 1 dinner and deciding that they have nothing in common with you and writing it off is not enough information or experience to go off of is only going to hurt YOU in the longrun. 

I KNOW it is tough, but you really need to give it a few more shots before you decide whether or not this is a group of people you can connect with. Making friends isn’t always easy, and if they’re inviting you out– they’re essentially saying that they DO want to hang out with y’all, they DO want to get to know you better and so far, they like what they see! That is half of the battle right there! 

 

I say to give it a few more shots– initiate a small portion of the conversation. Just pick a topic and ask one or all of them at some point. Breaking into a conversation like that may seem hard, but I have a few go to questions I have used when doing this:

-“So, are you all from here originally?”

-” Do you and ____( DH/SO) have big plans coming up around the holidays? Any new vacations scheduled?”    If you already know a few small tidbits about them ( new parents, new homeowners, wine enthusiasts, sports lovers, etc) just lead with a simple question. ” How is the new house coming along?”, “Do y’all have any plans of trying to see a Patriots game this year?”, ” How is the new puppy?”. It doesn’t have to be ground breaking, thought provoking questions– just enough to get your foot in the door of their conversations. I know it can feel silly to ask ” basic” questions in a group– especially if they all know each other and the others already know the answers… but it shows that you care to get to know them. 

Trust me– no one ever thinks, ” wow– that girl sure was an ass because she tried to get to know me!”

Good luck– I know that it is really, really tough trying to break into a new friend group. I would give them some more chances before just bowing out.

 

 

ETA: next time you do hang out, pre-pick 3 questions to ask throughout the night or event and make it your personal goal to find out that information. It makes you feel more prepared. If you can’t think of anything, just be sure to ask plenty of follow up questions to conversations they initiate. “Why do y’all enjoy Spain so much?”, “Have you travelled to other countries?”, ” Which ones?”, “Where is a place you’d like to go that you’ve never been?”— those type of follow ups and they may ask you in return, ” have you been to Spain?” If the answer is no— don’t just say “no”.. say, ” No, but I would really like to travel more ( if that is true), where is your favorite vacation spot?”. Have an open dialogue in your head before meeting up with them of possible scenarios.

I know it seems totally whacky– but I am extremely shy at times, too… and doing these mental exercises really helped me become more socially graceful and not feel so out of place!

Post # 11
Hostess
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

@Mrs_Amanda:  Excellent advice! 

I just wanted to throw in that I agree with the PPs. You should give it a try again. Wouldn’t it be fun to have a group of friends that you and your FI love? 

Post # 14
Bee
1433 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012 - Historic Lougheed House

I would try harder. I think it’s really great you are include by them and you might just be over analyzing the situation. Could you try hanging out with one of the girls alone before the next group outing? It would give you a “friend” in the group. Ask the nicest one for coffee?

Post # 15
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think, if these are friends of your DH, you need to make the effort to get on with them socially. You don’t have to be BFFs with all the wives, but make polite conversation and try and have a good time. Look at it from their perspective — if there’s always the wife that sits in the corner and doesn’t want to talk to anybody and you can tell she really just doesn’t want to be there, it doesn’t really matter why she’s Debbie Downer.  (My fav. is the SO that just sits in the corner and texts all the time. Maybe she’s painfully shy, or maybe she’s just a beeyotch. Either way, she’s rude and kind of pissing all over everyone else’s evening. 😀 )

If they’re talking about something, it doesn’t have to be something you’re interested in personally for you to make polite conversation. So they’re talking about their vacation in Spain and you couldn’t care less… you smile and ask, “Where did you stay?” or “What did you see?” etc. It doesn’t matter if you’re bored out of your mind. What matters is that they can’t tell you don’t like them and don’t want to be there.  If you don’t make an effort to be part of the conversation, you can’t blame them for excluding you.

If you’re shy, it can be hard. Maybe you and DH should invite individual couples for dinner so you have a chance to get to know them on a one-on-one basis, and maybe you can become more comfortable going out with them as a group once you’ve established some individual relationships. 🙂

Post # 16
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@Anna22:  Maybe you and your husband can plan an activity and invite the friends and maybe another couple that you know better.  If it’s on your terms maybe you would feel more comfortable.

I know how you feel.  It’s not so much that I can’t find anything to talk about but I have nerve damage in one ear and have a terrible time hearing what people are saying.  It makes it near impossible for me to participate in conversations if there is any background noise so I tend to get really quiet.  🙂

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