Post # 1
Hi everyone; I’m new to the Bee and I’m hoping all of you ladies can let me fuel my new engagement/wedding obsession so I don’t drive my man crazy
So here’s my situation and I wanted to know what you ladies all thought about it and give me your input.
SO and I are planning on getting engaged within the next three months (ring is picked out and he’s almost saved enough to pay in full – very exciting!) and so I, in my abnormal need to plan things, started researching venues and different wedding ideas. I am in grad school and he is still finishing up his bachelor’s and the agreement was when he started saving for the ring, I’d start saving for the wedding. We’ve both been saving for about 8 months now.
We’re 90% sure the wedding and honeymoon will be paid for completely by us and since it will happen right after graduation, it will not be a fancy 250+ person shindig. My mother had a courthouse wedding and has indicated to me that she wasn’t paying a ton of money for a “party.” I actually don’t mind this at all b/c she has helped me through undergrad and my grad school and in my opinion, has given me more than any daughter could ask for.
HIS family on the other hand…is simply…not good with money. They didn’t contribute a penny to his older brother’s wedding (not even a gift till 6 months later) so there’s no reason to think they’d help.
Yet…every budget friendly idea I come up with, he has shot down because of his family. My first choice would be a destination wedding on a beach somewhere, but he doesn’t want that because he doubts they would be able to afford to come. My second choice would be to get married at the Arboretum close to our hometown, but he doesn’t want that because his family is too big and he wouldn’t feel comfortable telling his family they aren’t invited b/c we simply cannot afford a wedding of more than 50 people.
I really do understand all of his concerns and I know that they’re valid…I’m just having a hard time not resenting the fact that it feels like his family is preventing me from having a wedding that I want when WE will be paying for it…
Am I being too whiney already? How would you all feel?
Post # 3
It might be more helpful to you for your Fiance to make a likst of places he thinks the family would/could go to and go from there.
Post # 4
We had a venue that didn’t fit more than 100 people. I have around 60 people in my extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins). I couldn’t invite them all, it would have meant a) it felt like a family reunion rather than a wedding, b) DH’s tiny family would be totally outnumbered and c) we wouldn’t be able to invite many friends. It was a difficult decision and I still feel awkward about it especially knowing we did hurt some feelings, but it is what it is. My point is sometimes you have to make these decisions and your FH will realise that pretty quickly 🙂
What is your FH’s alternative? He can’t shoot everything you say down without offering some other suggestions, as Stlginkgo has pointed out. I think starting off with a budget and a (rough) guest list will help narrow your choices down.
Post # 5
I agree you and your Fiance should sit down and think of how you want your wedding to go. Ideally, I like the idea of having family around. But that’s me. And I know how important a tradition it is in my family, that everyone gets invited.
Are you against a big wedding? Is it a money issue? (As in if Future Father-In-Law pitched in money, you’d be fine having a larger guest list.) Or would you be fine with swinging a larger guest list yourself, as long as the venue appealed to you?
Ultimately, you and Fiance should just come up with how to plan it. And create a plan as to how you’ll (and by that I mean FI) handle Future Father-In-Law. Will you bend if he contributes? Will you stand your ground no matter what?
Post # 6
If we got extra funds from somewhere, I’d love to have a bigger wedding! So that is definitely an option I can propose to him as a middle ground. He’s coming down this weekend (we’re LDR) and I talked to him about all of your ideas last night and he’s on board – even sounds a little excited (which I wasn’t expecting). I’m glad I posted; thanks guys!
Post # 7
Believe me. I am having a similar problem. You maybe are young, as you and your fiancé are just finishing school. Although I am 28 and still get nervous when I stand up to my fiancé’s family…But you and your fiancé need to stand up and say clearly that this is your own wedding, and while you want to celebrate the start of your marriage with everyone, it’s simply not feasible since you are on your own. Those who are not invited will understand perfectly- it’s a completely rational idea. Your fiancé must tell his relatives who are not invited that they are free to speak to his parents about helping out, or having their own reception. But for YOUR wedding and YOUR reception, there must be only very close family and friends. It will be a beautiful wedding, and all the more special because you will be surrounded by the people who matter to YOU most.
Post # 8
Maybe he just wants to be able to afford it entirely himself without leaning on other people – he sounds like a pretty independant guy, the way he’s saved up for the ring with the full amount. Perhaps you can draft a tentative budget and then you BOTH can sit together to discuss how you plan to work within that and what your individual expectations are? Maybe you both can separately fill out a questionnaire like this to help you clarify things – http://weddings.about.com/od/gettingstarted/a/Questionnaire.htm
Post # 9
I would definitely recommend sitting down with your Fiance and compromising on the number of guests first (before looking into more facilities!). This will give you a better idea of each other’s expectations and how much you can spend per plate, etc. If he can’t fathom the idea of getting married without 200 of his closest relatives and you want 25 total (or however the numbers fall), you’ll probably both be happiest in the end if you can find middle ground now.