(Closed) doomed to have mediocre sex forever?

posted 6 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
902 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Have you guys tried spicing it up alittle?  Maybe using toys and gadgets?


Post # 4
2861 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@blueblonde101:  Toys, role playing, sex in different places.

Post # 5
1211 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

You are not a horrible person. I think the way you are feeling is normal! Have you thought about trying other things to spice up your sex life and make up for his lack and size? Toys? Costumes? Games? 

Post # 6
2861 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@blueblonde101:  The best sex I had ever had was with someone who was very experienced. I used that previous experience to show the really nice relatively inexperienced guy what I liked and now the sex is even better.  It sounds like your husband is just inexperienced (the flip side to having strong morals and being a virgin on his wedding night). You are going to have to take the lead and he will probably follow.

Post # 7
214 posts
Helper bee

I’m not sure if I missed it or now- how long have you been married?
I don’t think he meant anything by saying sex felt like a really good blowjob.  It’s probably the best comparison he could come up with since he just lost his virginity.  Anyway, you can still have carnal, animalistic sex even if he isn’t the most well endowed.  Obviously you get some enjoyment out of it if you orgams every time.  You already got your awkward times out of the way, he still has to learn all the nuances and build his repertoire.  And, I dunno about you, but there’s a sex shop down the road from me.  You could always get something there that might make it a spicier night.  On another note, he married you, he lost his virginity to you, he has paid attention and does what you like, he’s not missing out on only having sex with you.  And, in all likelihood, to him, you are a supermodel.  You caught him, it isn’t a high school fling, you won’t lose him.

Post # 8
368 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

You aren’t a horrible person! I think the first step you need to take is to stop beating yourself up so much!

Second, his comment about sex being like a really good blowjob? Honestly, he probably just meant to say it was like a BJ, but way better. I personally would take it as a compliment because most men LOVE BJs, and for him to be like ‘it was like this awesome thing I love – but even better!’ is a total compliment, in the weird way that men give compliments sometimes. They’re good at sticking their foot in their mouth even when they’re trying to be sweet and sincere!

Size can’t be controlled, but lots of other things can. Things like toys, foreplay, lubes, etc. I think one of the biggest things that can help when it comes to size (or lack there of) is POSITION. Different positions are good for different sizes, both big and small, and can REALLY make a difference.

I’d like to suggest a book that my Darling Husband and I have flipped through and have really had a good time with, not only a good time reading together, but using as well. It is called Ride ‘Em Cowgirl! Sex Position Secrets For Better Bucking. You can find it on Amazon. It goes over positions for all sorts of things – from different size limitations (big and small), to sex during pregnancy, etc. 

If you’re still feeling stressed about it, perhaps talk to a counselor that specializes in sexual health and self-image. You can even go by yourself, discreetly, if you would feel more comfortable with that. 

Again, don’t beat yourself up! Take a deep breath, and approach this as a fun challenge in your marriage, rather than an obstacle. 


Post # 9
1289 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

There is a great article in this month’s GQ (Michael Fassbender’s on the cover if that helps) about a sex coach that both of you should read!  Its very eye opening! He talks about the use of toys and how they are essential in amping up one’s sex life.  The trick is convincing your man of these things.  Any issues with sex are usually deeply ingrained within us, but that doesn’t mean you are doomed to one way of sex for life, or believing that it’s dirty forever.  People should be as communicative about sex with their partners as they are their hopes and dreams.  Try toys, role play, books, etc.  Its about getting closer to your partner, it doesn’t mean something is “wrong.” Reassure him of this!   

Post # 10
79 posts
Worker bee

Okay, so there seems to be a few issues going on here.

1) His size. This obviously can’t be changed. But what can be changed is position. Positioning can make all the difference – some positions allow deeper penetration which may help in this case.

2) The lack of “good, carnal animalistic sex”, “hot, rough, wild, crazy, hair pulling sex” – this is about specific actions and attitude. This can absolutely be changed! Have you tried asking him for things you want? Encouraging him to be more wild, more demanding, more rough? I think talking to him and encouraging him is the best place to start. He might be worried about going too far or hurting you. A little bit of encouragement goes a long way.

3) Fast orgasms. There are a lot of techniques and tricks he can use to prevent orgasm happening too fast. Check online and, again, you’ll probably need to talk to him. Or, you can try this trick – bring him up to the point of orgasm, but back off before he comes. Wait a bit, then work him up again to the point of orgasm, then back off again. Repeat until he can’t stand it anymore. It’s a training technique to build up his stamina. Also, if coming too soon is a problem, it could also be the case that he never gets hard enough in the first place to achieve a full erection. So his size (when erect) might not be as small as you’re experiencing.

4) “he compared sex to a really good blow job” – A BJ is his only point of reference (other than perhaps masturbation), so there’s not much else he could compare it to. Plus, clearly he loves blow jobs. Therefore, he loved sex with you. He totally meant it as a compliment.

I don’t think you’re doomed to mediocre sex. It’ll just take some clear and loving communication, a bit of practice, and perhaps some research into techniques and positions. Good luck, and more importantly, have fun. It is sex, after all!

Post # 11
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@blueblonde101:  “sex is the deepest closest type of intimacy between two people”

Honestly, I’d see the deepest closest type of intimacy between two people is passion for one another. I don’t just mean the crazy lusty fiery passion that either is at the beginning of the relationship/rekindled time to time…I just mean being crazy about the other person to where you feel that you can’t live without each other. If that is there, I really do think other things can be fixed.

I’d first DEFINITELY go to a counselor to work on your self-esteem issues. Those are going to destroy your marriage regardless of whether the sex issue gets fixed or not.

2nd – please go to a sex therapist/couples counseling. You can talk through your feelings in a safe environment with a neutral third party. I’d be honest with him first, and approach it very diplomatically and calmly. He is your husband. If you can’t openly discuss your sex life in the first few years of marriage, you won’t be able to conquer much larger problems together later (and this one is a pretty big one).

Good luck with everything!

Post # 13
3626 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think he should practice lasting longer on his own rather than with you. I think it would be easier for him to control finishing too early when he’s on his own since it’s not as stimulating as having sex. It may take a few months, but he should get the hang of it!

Post # 14
2702 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@blueblonde101:  how often do you have sex? Maybe one way to control his premature ejaculation is to either do it more often or he can masturbate before you have sex. That might be against his faith, though.

Post # 15
5296 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

you’re not awful at all! Obviously, as a PP said, some things (his size) can’t be changed. But other things can – the attitude/mood/position/and how long he lasts.

Darling Husband and I both waited until our wedding night, but Darling Husband had definitely been ermmm “hands on” with himself for several years  – so he knew what kind of motion he liked and had played around with lasting longer and whatnot. Had your Darling Husband self-pleasured much prior to the wedding?

I think a Cosmo magazine I read a while back talked about giving hand jobs and getting him ‘close’ but then slowing it down. Then getting ‘close’ again, and slowing back down. It sounds like some of those kind of techniques would be really beneficial (and sexy!) for both of you to help him improve his endurance.  Like trying a position just briefly, then stopping and changing position again.

I’m sure the partners you’re comparing him to probably had more experience then your Darling Husband – so he’s just got to catch up – besides, now you can teach him all the things you really like and make him into your own custom designed partner 😉

Post # 16
120 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

There is a learning curve when you become intimate in a new way. How often do you go for a second round?–Like within a couple of hours. Usually, the second time, they last longer, but I agree that he needs to practice lasting longer.

I’m going to address the “looseness” issue. I hope you don’t take offense to this as it seems to be something you’re a bit concerned about (I apologze if I’m incorrect). Kegels can help with tightness and I’ve heard good things about them helping with orgasm. That might help with not being able to feel him very well due to size.

There are also a few temporary tightening creams on the market. I wanted sex to feel “different” on our mini-moon, so I just tried one called “Like a Virgin.” It contains alum for tightening. It worked (I used too much so I have to recommend care with application).

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