Post # 1
I really need your help. I am getting married in less than a year and have chosen 4 bridesmaids. At the time I never doubted by decision and they were my four best friends. Three still are very good friends but my fourth, i have had issues with which i am very sad about.
Her boyfriend at the time, is my fiances good mate (since they were 5) and thats how me and that bridesmaid met. Me and my fiance have been together for 10 years and engaged for nearly a year. They had been together for over two years. A few months ago, we found out that that bridesmaid had cheated on her boyfriend and my friends and I didnt have a clue that there was issues in their relationship. We hadnt spoken to her for a month or so because she was too busy and now we know the reason why. She didnt have the time for us and never replied to our text messages or requests to catch up. The ex boyfriend is also one of my fiances groomsman.
She has since been very distant. Not wanting to talk and will talk to me and everyone when she is ready. She is no longer talking to anyone from the group including all my girl mates and all my fiances mates. Everyone has taken the ex boyfriends side and I am stuck because I am friends with both!
She has also not made that much of an effort to talk to me and I would think that good friends would talk to each other to help get her through this.
To make things more difficult, they have a beautiful daughter together and my fiance and i are the godparents.
She was an amazing friend and now i feel she has totally let me down and not made an effort to be friends, or treat me like a friend at all! She has forgotten that she is a bridesmaid and i believe it would be very difficult to have her in the bridal party due to her and her ex boyfriend not talking and my other 3 bridesmaids are not on talking terms with her due to everything that has happened.
What do i do? What are your suggestions? I think having her a part of my bridal party would make things very awkward due to noone talking to her because of the above and the potential issues of her and her exboyfriend having fights etc. To be friends with her would make things awkward aswell. My fiance doesnt like what she has done and he doesnt want to see her let alone talk to her which is normal due to him being great friends with the ex boyfriend.
Look forward to hearing your thoughts!
Post # 2
I think you should talk to her, it would be very awkward for the whole bridal party and even for her, esp. since everyone has taken the ex boyfriends side.
Personally, altough it will be very hard to do, I would drop her, it will cause unneccessary drama on your wedding day due to the fights and no one speaking to her
Post # 3
whiteshortstar16: Assuming you want to still be her friend, I think you should make more efforts to catch up with her, and keep her as a bridesmaid. In no way do I condone cheating, but she has done nothing wrong to *you*. A month of not talking isn’t really that long, and obviously there are big changes in her life.
The other bridesmaids should, for your sake, be civil to her.
Bridesmaids and groomsmen don’t need to interact except on the wedding day (and even then not much, it’s just a matter of standing near each other in photos), so I don’t see a problem with her ex being a groomsman either. Obviously don’t “pair” her with her ex though.
In some ways I think this is analagous to dealing with divorced parents of the bride or groom. So long as the separated couple isn’t forced to sit near each other or talk to each other, everyone should be able to put their feelings aside for one day, for the sake of the couple getting married.
Post # 4
thanks for your response. It is a very very hard decision and i think, at the end of the day, I imagine it will cause alot of drama and awkwardness and that is not what we want on our special day! Look forward to hearing further responses please.
Post # 5
aussiemum1248: Thanks for your response. You have made me think on another angle so thank you. How about my fiance not wanting to speak to her or see her? I am hoping he will change his mind and doesnt like her because it is one of his best mates that she has hurt. His mind set may change aswell after another month or two due to her hopefully making an effort and me as well.
Post # 6
aussiemum1248: And yes i am still wanting to be her friend is she is going to make an effort.
Post # 7
whiteshortstar16: I would rather be awkward with one person than my entire bridal party. You leaving her on the bridal train gives the impression that you are on her side.
Due to the fact that your FI has been friends with the ex longer than the girl has been to you, I would suggest that you put their friendship as a priority over the unstable behaviour of the bridesmaid. It cannot be easy but for the peace, it is a very small price to pay.
Also if your FI does not want her near him, please indulge him. What if one of them gets drunk at the reception and cause a scene?
Post # 8
Even if you still want to be friends with her (which is your right), I wouldn’t dream of having anyone in my bridal party that my SO couldn’t stand to be around. It’s his wedding too and he has the right to have people he loves and respects (or at least feels neutral toward, but not hates) at the altar as well. Just tell her that you’ve talked it over and feel like it would be too awkward. Hey, it’s ultimately her decision-making that has led to all this fallout, so if she ends up being upset with you, she’d be wrong for that.
Post # 9
I’m wondering if she would even be comfortable being in the wedding party now, as she likely knows that the rest of the wedding party has sided with her ex. If you can, maybe you can get her to talk to you about it and see how she is feeling? She may remove herself from the situation and you won’t have to ‘fire’ her from the wedding party.
Post # 10
I think you need to give her some space and some time, and have your mutual friends do the same. This friend has basically had her life turned upside down. Her relationship is destroyed or in serious trouble, there’s a child in the mix, there’s the guilt of having cheated and destroyed the relatoinship, and if that’s not enough, everyone knows, everyone’s in her business, and she knows that everyone knows. Not surprised she wants to distance herself from your wedding almost a year down the road.
I think right now you do nothing. Go about your planning as normal; at almost a year out, there’s not really anything for the bridesmaids to be doing. Tell your friends/bridal party to butt out. Your bridesmaid and her ex are not going to get any closure nor get any closer to being civil to each other (for the sake of their child at a minimum) if they are constantly being talked about, gossiped about, etc. The fact that she cheated is NO ONE’S BUSINESS but hers and her ex’s.
Tell your bridesmaid and her ex that #1 you will not be taking sides (and hold yourselves to that promise), #2 you will respect their privacy during this time and #3 you will always be there when they need you. If they don’t want to talk, then so be it. And don’t take it personally if she chooses not to turn to you, because people do strange things when they are grieving, and she’s grieving for her relationship. Maybe privacy and solitude are what helps her heal.
Remind your fi that cheating is a terrible thing to do but it doesn’t make your bridesmaid an evil person and that there’s good and bad in everyone.
Then just go on with life and see where things are in a few months.
If everyone acts like adults, there’s no reason these friendships can’t continue and no reason you can’t all be under the same roof for your wedding.
Post # 11
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
Seriously? This situation is not about you, and most certainly not about your wedding. This woman has a lot going on in her life right now and is quite likely reeling from the sudden and dramatic changes. I’m pretty sure her life is not at all going according to her plan. Give her the space she’s asked for. She’ll come around when she’s ready.
The bridal party choosing sides thing is ridiculous. This is not middle school. They all need to grow up and mind their own business. And if they are uncomfortable, it’s by their own choice to impose their judgements upon her. The same goes for your FI. Your maid hasn’t done a single darn thing to your FI. His animosity to her is unwarranted, and rather unhelpful to boot.
Post # 12
If I were you, I’d drop the BM from the bridal party for your own sanity and the fact that she’s been MIA. Based on her behavior and how she responds to you, the best thing you can do is to let her off the hook from BM duties and allow her to just focus on her own life and get her sh*t together. More than likely, she’s aware how your other BMs feel about her so with that kind of opposition it’s not surprising that she’s been avoiding any wedding related events.
Post # 13
For those saying to drop the bridesmaid because she’s not living up to her bridesmaid duties…. it’s almost a year before the wedding. What exact duties does a bridesmaid even have at this point in time?
Some very heartless and short-sighted people replying here. If there’s any hope of anyone still being friends in a few months, let alone a few years, people will recognize that this woman’s relationship (or her own emotional state) was so troubled that she was willing to cheat, her cheating was exposed, she’s caused loads of pain to someone she was supposed to love, and all her friends are sticking their noses into her business. With all that going on, and with almost a year before the wedding (hence nothing for her to be doing yet), it’s no surprise that she’s gone MIA.
It’s a sucky situation but it sounds like the gossip and choosing sides and open hostility is not making it any better. I think anyone who’s not the bridesmaid, the guy she cheated on or the guy she cheated with, y’all need to find something else to do and leave those people alone to figure out what happens next for them.