Post # 1
Okay, in the past week I found a message on Facebook between my fiance and his ex girlfriend. Basically, it started out with small talk, then lead into reminiscing on their relationship. The ex was encouraging my fiance to meet with her. My fiance said no the first few times, then after several more pushy messages from the ex, he told her they “might” meet up. This happened in November. We are supposed to be married this April. My fiance and his ex had a very intense relationship when they were in high school, and were even engaged to be married. Ultimately it didn’t work out and they went there seperate ways. My fiance and I met about 2 years after they broke up. Even then my fiance and his ex kept in touch, even though she was married, had a child, and expecting her 2nd child. They lost touch shortly after he and I started dating. Well, long story short, 10 years later, my fiance and I about to be married. We have a 9 year old son, and we have endured many obstacles in our relationship. For some reason these recent events have really hurt my feelings. And now I’m questioning the integrity of our relationship. I don’t know if I should work through this or postpone the wedding. My fiance and I have had several long talks about this, and he says that he made a horribly stupid mistake. I don’t know if this is just cold feet on his part, or what. I just don’t want to make a huge mistake, that might eventually lead to divorce later on. I didn’t wait so long to be sure about this relationship, for it to all unravel at right before we make such a huge comittment. And advice???
Post # 3
@bday2194: I think you are a bit in the wrong here.
1st off you should not have snooped through his facebook messages.
It sounds like he was saying no to meeting up, and probably only said he “might” to get her to stop messaging him.
It sounds like he’s done nothing really wrong (other than maybe responding to a few more messages then he should have), where as you displayed that you do not trust him by snooping into his personal facebook account.
It’s fine not to trust his ex, but I think you need to appologize to him for snooping and not trusting. He’s chosen you and he told his ex he did not want to meet with her.
Working on your ability to trust him would probably be beneficial before entering into a marriage.
Post # 4
It doesn’t really sound like he did anything wrong. If somebody was pushy like that with me, I’d probably also say “maybe” just to get them off my back.
Post # 5
Ok, take a breath! He doesn’t seem to have done anything so bad as to warrant postponing the wedding. I know how you feel and understand your hurt, but you are overreacting. I think deep down you know this . . .
If he sincerely apologized and admitted it was a huge mistake to answer her Facebook messages, what more do you want him to do? (Also, I agree with KatNYC2011 that you really shouldn’t be snooping, if that’s what you were doing. How did you find the messages? Were they private or on his wall for all to see?) Try to keep in mind that most of the time people live up to our perception of them. If you accuse him now of being untrustworthy you might be opening a can of worms, when what he did seems rather minor. He didn’t go to see her.
However, all of that said, I would also have a problem with his ex trying to keep in touch with your man and there really isn’t a reason for them to stay in contact. You can respectfully ask him to cut off contact with her since it upsets you. And most likely he will honor your request. But to me this doesn’t sound like a reason to postpone your wedding, unless the two of you have more serious issues. I also agree that the two of you need to have some discussions to get back on track with trusting, which is a vitally important element in a marriage; it won’t work without trust.
Post # 6
I don’t think your Fiance did anything wrong. I think he probably just said that to her to get her off his back. I can imagine that receiving constant pushy e-mails would be a tad annoying.
You could bring this up to him, but that would admit that you were snooping in his private messages. And that is very wrong. Honestly, my Fiance would be PISSED if he found out I was snooping because that means that I clearly do not trust him. I would feel the same way.
Be prepared to open up a door that you may not want to open….
Post # 7
Okay, I know what I did was wrong for snooping on his FB account. I don’t have any good reasons for doing that, so I won’t even try to make excuses for my behavior. We have thoroughly discussed this issue privately, and he says he was just talking to her and because she was being so pushy, began to tell her what she wanted to hear so she would drop it. I know that maybe I might be blowing alot of this out of proportion but, reading those messages just hurt so bad. Naturally, it made me feel very insecure about myself and the relationship. I know he loves me. We are going through with the wedding which is now almost 2 weeks away. I pray this never happens again.
Post # 8
I know thatis really easy to snoop sometimes. I myself have peeked at texts etc for absolutely no reason other than curiosity and luckily have never seen anything inappropriate. Ssnooping does nothing but plant doubts in our own minds and makes us make assumptions etC, it’s almost masochistic because really we are only hurting ourselves when there is nothing to be hurt about so lets try not to do that again 🙂
On the subject of reminiscing with his ex and stuff. I have done this with this with my ex, which I am probably in the wrong for doing, but the fact is that you really never forget your first love, they always have a special place in your heart. Howeverthat is not the same thing as having current feelings for the person. Thinking about it now I knowmy fh would be extremely hurt to know we had any type of conversation likethat and I probably would if he did as well but you definitely need to rremember that those conversations don’t meant anything about your current relationship. I love my future husband and can’t wait to marry him. I never ever wish I had married my ex, but i think ill alwaysl have afondness of the memory of the times we did have together. However that is something that my fiancé does not need to have in front of his face. Which is why snooping is never a good idea. Don’t let their conversation about the old times distract you from the love YOU guys share together and your future bbecause that is the here and now and that is the reality. With that being said considering she obviously is not respectful of your relationship and crossed some lines here I don see it being out of line for you to ask that they don’t speak or even be fb friends anymore. And I hope you have a wonderful wedding in two weeks!
Post # 9
@bday2194: I don’t think you were SO wrong to snoop–he WAS hiding his convos w his ex from you which is wrong….but did they actually meet up? were the convos inappropriate?
I’m not sure why you would postpone the wedding for this, unless there is something more that you haven’t said…
Post # 10
yes i agree there is nothing wrong with snooping snd he was hiding this from you then why not… you should sit down and have a convo with him. i dont care if it was to push her away you cant just be like yea we mmight meet up that is just wrong because now she’s going to be like yeah so when should we meet up, if anything that is not pushing her away is the other way around..just sit down and talk with him and say how much it bothers you. good luck