Doubts about my wedding and marriage

posted 2 years ago in Grooms/men
Post # 2
Member
888 posts
Busy bee

Its normal to have stress over the wedding and to disagree on aspects of it but it sounds like both of you need to step back and remember the reason you wanted to get married in the first place. Take a break for a few days from planning. Establish the most important aspects of the wedding to each of you – are they really the cake toppers and the music? probably not. If not then just let it go. Both of you get an equal say and if you begin to argue over something like cake toppers – then make agreement to go without one! You pick the how the invites look, he picks how the programs look- that sort of thing. The bigger things like the venue are actually worth a good discussion. Why did he not want to get married in your church? Is he not religious? If not then you may have to let that slide or discuss how to handle the ceremony in your new venue (is he okay with religious readings if you are not in a church etc). 

As far as children and jobs go, now is a good time to have that discussion. Its always better to be prepared rather than fight about it later. 

Post # 3
Member
4441 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

WanderingPeace:  This kind of sounds like how me and my DH were when we bought a house!  Luckily he didn’t have any opinions about the wedding.  The venue is the only thing that really bothers me, as PP says is your FI not religious?  Was he able to give you a reason why he didnt’ want to get married there?

Post # 5
Member
3044 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I think you need to communicate with him about how you feel. Does he realisle that all these little fights are making you question the relationship and your ability to compromise as a couple?

 

Post # 7
Member
3044 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

WanderingPeace:  that is not a healthy strategy, and I would think long and hard before signing up to a lifetime of the silent treatment. I would definitely suggest going to a relationship counsellor/communications coach. I would also let him know you do not accept his treating you like that. Maybe you should consider the possibility of postponing the wedding?

Post # 8
Member
1287 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

WanderingPeace:  Arguing about a wedding, which is one day in your entire lives together as a couple, would not necessarily make me question a marriage, but rather, question have a wedding at all!!

The first world, non-important issues surrounding wedding details is fairly NORMAL.  There is a lot that goes into planning such an event (as you know).  Questioning the entire reason (the marriage) you are throwing such an event is where I would draw the line/step away from the ‘issue’.  Obviously, cancelling the wedding this far into it would be not an option, but take a break from it at the very least.  I am guessing you did not choose to marry him in order to have a wedding, but you chose to marry him because you love him with all your heart, and you believe in your relationship ’til death do you part’.  Please do NOT let a venue, or a ring, or invites question these things.  AND, if you did not feel these things for him, then a marriage should not exist!!

Plan a weekend WITHOUT wedding BS involved.  Get back to a solid place, and remember why you are taking these vows.  The wedding will be over in a flash, and you will ‘forget’ all the reasons you are arguing right now soon thereafter.

Post # 9
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Yup, suddenly it’s not your life anymore, it’s ours.  And it’s not the big decisions you bicker about (because like a sensible person, you’ve already discussed future kids and careers), it’s the silly decisions like music and cake toppers, or what brand of dishwasher to buy or where to go on vacation this winter.  It’s a hard transition when you’re used to being in charge.    

You just have to decide if it’s worth it or not.  Some people don’t want to give up that freedom.  

(I just want to add that him being silent isn’t necssarily him being a bad communicator.  He doesn’t want to talk, you do.  Like a cake topper, it’s just another personal choice) 

Post # 10
Member
1669 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

WanderingPeace:  my husband started jumping in on the small details as we got down to the final countdown (like last 3 months) and it caused some issues. we definitely had to take a step back and re-evaluate what we were doing and find a way to work together to make this happen. it all worked out, but because we had to come to an agreement and a compromise (especially since i was the one who had done all the work and planning up until that point). in the end, our wedding was awesome and we knew we’d really done it together 🙂 you just have to communicate.

Post # 12
Member
1669 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

WanderingPeace:  all of this sounds all too familiar 🙂

the best thing that we did when he began to make it clear that he wanted input in the decisions was to make a list of the things that “mattered” to him which ended up being things like the flavors of the cake, menu, types of alcohol being served, groom/groomsmen clothing, ceremony wording and music…and once we made that list we discussed what our visions were for each…and made some compromises (i allowed guiness beer to be one of our options because he wanted it) and agreements. i just think men don’t even realize all of the decisions that need to be made to plan a wedding until you run something by them in a flash like oh by the way i ordered the table runners today! and they’re like well what do they look like? ugh. it was a learning experience. but once we were both together on it and realized the amount of compromise and decision-making that was ahead of us, it was semi-smooth. i also gave him certain things that he could control and handle – like designing and building the arbor we got married under and choosing a musician to play (who ended up being a friend of ours) and i think that made him feel more like it was “his” wedding too.

Post # 13
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

WanderingPeace:  “This wedding is really bringing out the worst in my fiancé”

Are you sure he’s not saying the same thing about you?  It really isnt about him being wrong and you being right.  It’s about two people with two equally valid ways of doing things trying to come together and become a team.  If it doesn’t work, the responsibility isn’t entirely with him.  

Post # 15
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

If you can’t tolerate his behaviour, that’s perfectly valid.  If you can’t put up with him, you don’t have to.  I’m sure you know yourself and what makes you happy.  Be true to that. 

I just want to point out that to a different woman (not better, just different), his behaviour wouldn’t be a problem.  Some women just e-mail invites and skip favors and don’t bother with decorations and throw everything together a month ahead.  That’s how some women (and some men) are and they’re not bad or defective people.  They just have different priorities and habits than the typical Weddingbee poster. 

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