(Closed) drama drama. advice?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
655 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@sugarcube:  How many “extra” people does she want to invite. If it’s less than 5, I’d save myself the headache and drama and invite them. It doesn’t neccesarily mean that they will all come.

Post # 5
Member
2336 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

At this point… if they are wielding $8k over your head to try to get their way (and I don’t know that they are, it’s only an assumption), I’d cut my budget by $8k and have them keep their money and do what I wanted with my wedding. It’s not worth the headache.

I think it’s completely fair that you want to limit them to 10 people that you guys don’t even KNOW. In fact I think it’s gracious. My parents and FI’s parents paid for the majority of our wedding, and at least one of us personally knows every single person on our 150-person guest list.

His parents already got to have a wedding with THEIR family and friends. Now it’s your turn.

Post # 8
Member
1658 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I’m going through the same thing with my family. It’s the whole cultural thing. And on top of that I’m the only girl in the family and the youngest, so apparently it’s supposed to be a huge deal, whereas I only want about 60 people at the wedding. Parents are trying to pay for it but FI and I are insisting they don’t, mainly because we don’t want to get called out with the whole “BUT WE’RE PAYING FOR (SOME OF) IT” problem.

 

I say you should tell them that the wedding is about you and FI, not the parents. Not many people will be looking at them, and they need to set aside their social agendas for their child.

Post # 9
Member
88 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2018

I’m not sure of your cultural background so I obviously can’t speak for you, but I think you’re being extremely generous. I wouldn’t let anyone invite people they wanted to my wedding at all. I see it this way; it’s my wedding, not yours. I want to spend it with people I know & love, not strangers that I have to feed, accomodate for and be polite to. Also, I don’t like the way the in laws seem to be making it about them, I think it’s extremely rude of them. At all the weddings I’ve been to, there’s been a moment after the ceremony where guests congratulate & hug the bride & groom – how weird would this be with strangers you don’t even KNOW! Also, I wouldn’t want to go to a strangers wedding – weird.

 

To sum it all up, I’d stay strong and as much as it will break your FI’s heart that they don’t attend, that is their choice and ultimately their regret not yours. Best of luck to you both and I hope they come to their senses and realise it’s your day & not theirs xx

Post # 10
Member
1658 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@perri:  +1

Post # 11
Member
2336 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

@sugarcube:  No, I don’t think you should concede so that they come.

Otherwise they’ll realize that they can hang this over your head to get their way with every single detail of the wedding.

“Oh, you want orchids in the centerpieces? Too bad! We like peonies, and if you don’t use them instead, we’re not coming to the wedding because we feel uncomfortable sitting at a table with flowers that we don’t like!”

A very extreme and silly example, but you get my point.

I would be firm; let them know that you’re not changing your minds, and that if they won’t come, then unfortunately that is their perogative. I would keep reminding them that you’d love to have them there, and that it would be a shame for them to miss their son’s wedding, but if they really feel that they can’t suck it up to be there for him on his wedding day, then that’s just unfortunate. (Phrase it differently, of course.)

My guess is that once they see that the two of you aren’t willing to budge, they’ll cave. What parents want to miss their son’s wedding, for goodness’ sake?

Post # 13
Member
2363 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013 - B&B

I know your FI is sad, and any son would be. But maybe gently remind him that what they are doing is pretty much emotionally blackmailing him about HIS wedding. I’m sure they don’t see it that way, but they ARE. And it’s just wrong. Your FI should know that in no way should they be allowed to do that to him (because you guys are being pretty generous!) and maybe there is a tactful way someone could remind his parents of that. Maybe they just need a reality check about what they are doing… unfortunately I don’t have very good advice on how/who should do that 🙁 I hope things end up working out!

Post # 15
Member
3039 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@sugarcube: It’s your wedding – don’t let them bully you into something you don’t want. 

In terms of them not attending… Well, we’re in the same boat – so I tell you what happened to us so you can prepare yourself.

Last fall I had a major falling out with my FMIL. My FI defended me against her verbal attacks, which she decided meant that he no longer loved her… She then sent us both an email saying that she was not going to attend the wedding. My FI drove to his parents place, had a long discussion with them and told them he would be extremely upset if they wouldn’t attend and that it was entirely THEIR decision if not attending – they were still invited and would always be. Now, 6 months later, with limited communication for the first 3, his mum keeps calling him and saying things like: “you don’t want me to attend the wedding” and “that they would look into flight tickets, if it wouldn’t be for the fact that this own parents are not welcomed”.

 

Sigh… Obviously, she gets a kick from being the “victim”. If there’s any chance that your FI’s parents might act the same way, really try to stop it. Leave them alone for a few days, then have a new conversation with them and make sure they know you want them there for the day. If the discussion comes to the same point, just send out the STDs to everyone on your guest list – including your FI’s parents. They will probably be angry, but keep repeating that you want them there – if there’s any sense in them, they will come around and attend the wedding.

BEST OF LUCK!

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