- 5 years ago
- Wedding: July 2013
Morning! So I need to rant a little & hopefully you bees can give me some words of advice here, For the moment I’m keeping my nose out of it b/c I don’t know what else to do really….
My FI & I decided a few weeks ago to cancel the whole wedding & just elope. It’ll just be the two of us on a beach in Mexico, and our legally required 4 witnesses (my brother & his GF, & my FI’s brother & his wife- super plus for them as they are getting ready to TTC!). I called all my family to make sure they were okay with the change of plans & some were disappointed but really we’re all too practical for a big wedding anyway. My mom eloped for her second marriage so she was ecstatic, and my dad was happy we’d have that money to use on something more substantial than a single day party. I asked FI to contact his family & make sure they’d be okay with it. He said he did, his brother is excited to be joining us, his sister understands totally… Apparently he either forgot to ask his mom straight out or she lied to him…..
His mom has graciously offered to pay for the lodging for our wedding/honeymoon (getting married at a resort in Mexico) as it’s been her traditional gift for his 2 younger siblings when they got married. All was fine & good, he had been texting her the details, but she kept recommending other places/resorts. I kept asking him what the holdup was, we did weeks of reasearch to find the perfect hotel for us (small & intimate) but she keeps recommending other places she just heard about from someone (ie big resorts with kids running around). Well he texted her yesterday to ask her what was up, we found a resort we really love, what was the problem.
Turns out she is hurt that she does not have any input & that we do not need her help on anything. She keeps saying she wants to help but really, we don’t need anything done now except actually booking the place. To preface, my FI is over 40 and we’ve been together for 8 years, she’s never been particularly cold towards me… She broke down via text yesterday & told him that we need to ask God for forgiveness and pray for our families since we have excluded them on the most important day in our lives. That a wedding ceremony is not about the bride & groom alone but the family that supports them, even going so far as to imply that our marriage in Mexico won’t be legal or right because they aren’t there to witness it. We have decided to have an at-home reception afterwards, and I even found a photog that will do a preview for 15-20 pics we can take with us for everyone. Not good enough for her. She now wants us to do a ceremony back home for her & everyone else.
This is just laughable to me, first off what do you call that, we’d be legally married already just a week prior! It’s hardly a vow renewal after less than a week of being married, and it makes me feel like my ceremony in Mexico is somehow less important/legal to her and everyone else. But to keep the peace I caved & told FI that’d be fine, so long as we re-do the same vows & that’s it. She keeps trying to say we shoudl just fly home & get married in GA but we haven’t lived there for 5 years! The feeling for us both is that GA is our past. It holds a special place in our hearts only because of our families & friends. I do not & have not ever wanted to get married in GA, heck, I’d rather get married at the courthouse here (in which case she wouldn’t be there either)!
Part of what’s making it horrible for me is that while my family has approved & is quite excited none of them except for my brother have the funds to join us for the ceremony in Mexico. My gradfather recently started falling into addiction & has been arrested 3x in the past month as a result, my grandmother is bi-polar & filing for divorce while living with my mom. My mom is moving her business, while dealing with all the above and helping my sister through a nasty breakup & move. My father just recently got custody of my no-good step-sisters 5 children… So needless to say they are all super low on $$ & super high on stress. His mom keeps wanting to come & join us for the ceremony but I don’t know what to say. I feel wrong for being sulky & feeling like I’d be disappointed & unhappy that his brother & wife, mom & stepddad are there but that my family can’t make it. So we thought it’d be easy to just have our 4 witnesses, 2 from each side. But now she sems to be very unhappy. He was texting her all day yesterday but I didn’t want to ask any questions about it as he was very stressed out & angry about it. Plus, I was afraid I would say something I would later regret so I kept my mouth shut & pretended like everything was fine.
I just feel so down in the dumps that his mom is making this such a huge deal. I’m sorry my family is having issues & can’t afford to travel like she can, I’m sorry that rubs off on her plans/expectations, I’m sorry her family is so well put together while mine is a mess right now. My FI has been wonderful, standing up to her while trying to still make her feel okay about the whole thing. Also trying to help me understand that it wasn’t that long ago his family was in a similar position to mine, but I don’t know why she can’t see that. At the very last I thought she’d be happy that we’re thinking more about our financial futures & plans than a single day $$-blow out! But apparently not….
Any advice on how to deal with this, anything we can say/do to help her/me feel better about the situation?