Weddingbee boards

Hello Bees.. i know its been a while since i've posted or commented for that matter.. but I've got something pressing on my mind today and I can't see keeping it in another second.

Now.. i might've mentioned this first part previously, but just to preface..

On 3/25/09 I rec'd an EMAIL from my father stating that he will not be attending my wedding.  The reason? He has a criminal record, did something relatively unthinkable a year or two ago, and has been hiding away from the rest of the world in some hole-in-the-wall apartment in NJ, and he doesnt want to face the rest of the family.

So, i've been trying hard to deal with it because, of couse, being my self centered, rediculous father, his email was not without a guilt trip .. "How can you not forgive me for this? Surely you must know what it's doing to me."  I'm pretty torn up about that whole ordeal and its been months now and nothing has really passed between us except his random phone calls to my job asking me how my brother is doing or calling my Fiance only when he needs help with his computer.

Now, this passed weekend something even crazier has happened. I have a maid of honor and a matron of honor. My matron is my cousin *Lee who is basically like a sister to me. My maid (was) my best friend of 24 years, *Becky  ...but hang on, I need to back track for one second here...

One of my BMs (We'll call her *Ronda came to stay with me  in NY and visit for a week from where she lives in FL. Part of the purpose of her visit was to sit with *Becky *Lee and I and talk wedding stuff, and there was a trip to Davids Bridal (poorly planned) stuck in there for good measure.. but mostly just so that Ronda could feel like she was really part of the planning. All of us girls were going to meet at DB but things got messy with Lee's aunt dying and Becky's boyfriend not being available to watch their 2 month old.. so Ronda and I decided (along with my fiance) to go to DB by ourselves & then out to lunch. Obviously we weren't hiding anything from her when we posted the photos on facebook of Ronda in a few of the dresses she tried on. We were at DB for 45mins to an hour and somehow Becky wants to crucify not just me.. but Ronda AND my fiance for leaving her out and that we did it to hurt her. 

I'm not one to deal with drama well and that is usually because I rarely have to deal with it in my every day life (THANK GOODNESS!). Well, Becky started to text me at 1am Saturday morning (We went to DB around 12pm on fri. afternoon). She said horrible things and basically stated that "obviously i didnt want her to be part of my wedding plans seeing as how I intended to leave her out", etc. 

I replied that her getting hurt was totally not my intention..but Ronda only had a few days with me and that Becky and Lee LIVE here and we could go any time!! But she felt like I was discounting her hurt feelings. The next day I was so upset as I was telling Ronda what happened..and then SHE felt hurt that Becky would say such things, my fiance was upset also. I went onto facebook shortly after and in anger ... "Aimee is not gonna feel sorry for making yesterday special for Ronda" was posted as my status. Sometime that afternoon Becky flipped out and started to air ALL of our dirty laundry, names and stories and ALL all over facebook for my 183 friends/family to see, as well as hers. 

I told her to stop it.. that we BOTH needed to take a step back and accept responsibility for what went wrong here.. but she just continued to post things, going on and on about how I think she's jealous of Ronda and how I had never any intention of having Becky join us in the first place, that i "stabbed her in the heart" and she even went as far as to blame me for her 30th bday drama and post partum depression!!

Ohhh my gosh. I was beside myself. I deleted everything she posted AND my responses and told her that I had enough, it was grown up time, no more posting stuff. If you have something to say ..no more posting crap on FB and no more nasty text msgs at 1am.. pick up a phone and talk to m if thats what you want to do. But in all honesty, i think at that point we were done with eachother, for good. We had both said some really harsh words that neither of us will forget anytime in the near future.  The next day she left FB alone but started sending me msgs  (long emails) via myspace!! I said to myself, great, more drama. She basically said every angry thought she probably ever had in the last 20 yrs in those msgs she sent me. And yeah, because I was hurt but ALSO because she had MANY of her facts (those re: her boyfriend and what was said/done between he and I and MY fiance) were WRONG and I wanted her to know the truth. None of it mattered in the end though.. whats done was done.

She requested that I take down all photos of her child (my God daughter) from FB, myspace and shutterfly where I was helping her make a baby book and asked me never to "ask her for anything ever again".

So now in one foul swoop i've lost my MOH and my god daughter.. who would've probably been a flower girl. I'm saddened to a point.. i cant believe we let 24 yrs of friendship slip through our hands because of that 1 hour where she was not included. But even more.. i cant believe that little girl is out of my life for good... its something I never thought i'd live to see and now.. so swiftly and without a second thought.. our sisterhood has been blown to smitherines.

My mother seems to think it doesn't matter and wedding plans should continue ..full steam ahead. I can't see past the next few hours.. let alone weeks or months..and TONS of plans and budgeting, etc.

What am I supposed to do now? Has anyone else had to deal with something like this.. or similar?? I mean, assuming Becky & I never speak again.. what do i do? knowing she was supposed to be part of all of this.. am i supposed to just keep trekking and pretend like we never had dreams as children of being eachothers maid of honor?

I won't lie.. my first instinct was to cancel this wedding. But my fiance wouldn't have it. He said it has nothing to do with his and my relationship, which is 100% right.. but.. i just dont know what to do and its hard to think about without crying and feeling like my world is crashing down around me.

Thank you everyone for helping me make some sense of this... i really appreciate it. The update so far is.. nothing has transpired since all the hurtful stuff. She has posted some status' on myspace and FB with little zings like "what is family!!???", etc. But.. i have not responded. I can't bring myself to respond to her in any way. I'm so confused as to why she reacted the way she did..and all the post partum stuff.. i mean, yeah she was diagnosed..and in the beginning I kept BEGGING her to go to the doctor, get checked out before something bad happens. She ignored everything that I said and isntead went to my cousins house where she cried on THEIR shoulders all day and in the end made my cousin call her doctor FOR her. It's upsetting that she couldn't/wouldn't/didnt want my help but she went to my family for it instead. Most recently she asked my neighbor if she could give her a call and my neighbor said sure.. not sure what that was about.. but again, thats her reaching out to everyone around me.. my family & friends, people she would never have known if she & i hadn't been friends so long..but she keeps skipping over me. I don't get it.  But anyhow.. nothing else has happened. I'm just getting on with my life.. i have so many of my OWN things going on ..dealing with all of her issues isn't on my agenda for a while. 

Oh..and Bear9206, you're 100% right. This is VERY typical of High School behavior. And at 30 yrs old.. there is no reason for this.. from EITHER she nor I. I just reacted and in poor taste.. definitly. But the difference between she and I at this point is.. I have accepted responsibility for my actions and she refuses to even believe that she has done anything inappropriate. I guess that could be the post partum, but she's been on medication for over a month.. I would hope that if its not working, she changes it or something. Since she won't talk to ME about it, i've mentioned it to my cousins in hopes that the info gets to her some way.

Thanks again everyone. Consider me DEdramatized. :)

Hello Beesies!

Just a quick update..

Becky is still contacting my family and friends ..everyone but ME. She's had my mothers neighbor watch the baby one afternoon, and spent just last friday nite at my moms with MY family, she was there from 1 in the afternoon until after 11pm. She spent the entire day crying on their shoulders about how alone she feels and how cruel I was to her and she doesn't understand me, etc. My mother said to her, you know.. Aimee is my daughter, no matter what she has done, i won't take sides against her, you need to know that. But at the same time, you're like family to us and we'll do what we can to help you.  Becky just continued to cry about her poor situation with her fiancé (ex?) she said he hadn't been home in a week and she couldnt reach him so she took her ring off, and she was saying she cant afford a crib (baby has been sleeping in a basinett), etc. if she doesn't have his help with $$$. My mother told her she needs to find a daycare who'll take infants and go back to work, it'd be good for her mentally and good for her wallet. But a good friend of mine, one who Becky hates mind you, referred Becky to Birthrite who was willing to give her a new crib. They left it for her with her name on it and that was 3 weeks ago, she has yet to go pick it up. So now Christine feels like a moron for offering to help as Birthrite calls Christine almost daily asking if Becky is coming to get the crib!  Christine is also the girl that Becky has Instant Msged on Facebook and said things like "Well i hope Aimee makes you her maid of honor because you deserve it, seeing as how you're such a good friend to her and i'm not!" etc.  It's rediculous that this childish charade is still on-going. The msgs on Myspace have pretty much stopped and thats only because I refuse to reply. I jsut delete them. I can't involve someone so hateful in my life.. i have a lot of things to work through and i'm happiness-bound!! I don't have room in my heart or in my life for all this doom and gloom.

OH!! And some good news!!  I sent a fathers day card along to Jersey with my brother when he went to visit my dad on fathers day. There was NO WAY I was ready to deal with my father after his show of cowardice. Well, i forgot to call him on fathers day, and when I remembered on Wednesday, he tells me "I have come to my senses, i'm sorry and I didnt mean to hurt you. I am so selfish and I don't want you to hate me. Please allow me to come to your wedding, I want to be there for you" sooo, i got my dad back :) Sort of anyway. I'm still dealing with that news. but at least its POSITIVE news :)

Hope you are all well!  and thanks again for your wonderful feedback. Honest and to the point and i am so appreciative of it all!

xoxo,

Aimee

Thank you so much for all of this information. I'm glad that I have all of you lovely wedding bee's to give me sound, unbiased advice. I love it! xoxo

Another update!

 It has been something like..5 or 6 months since Becky and I have spoken (face to face, phone, or internet) and we continue to ignore eachother.

Becky has kept in touch with my cousins here and there, but even they have found that being friends with her is a bit stressful. One of my cousins, Andrea has a baby too, a few months older than Becky's little girl. They had made plans to go to the beach one day in August and Becky didn't show, no call, nothing and Andrea was upset but mostly worried for Becky. A few days later, Andrea finally reaches her and says "Well, I had a bad night with the baby, so, sorry." I mean, that is what I had been dealing with for 23 years! She had, and apparently still has NO sense of common courtesy for others. I mean, c'mon, if you can't attend an appt, you call and cancel, right? Well I think the same rules apply for playdates. Also, she called my mother on a Saturday morning around 10am to ask her and her partner to watch the baby from 2pm that afternoon until the next morning. My mother was a little taken aback, and had to decline because of the short notice. My mom was having friends over for a card night and the last thing she would want was a screaming child, esp. over night. The baby has some acid reflux issues and is very collicky also, when i knew her, she did nothing but scream, though I miss her so :(. So, Becky's reaction was just kind of a huffy "OK..thanks anyway" and my mother hasn't heard from her since. (This was approx 2 months ago now).

So i guess it really is over. I think about her from time to time. I think about the baby too. I hang out with my one friend, Christine and her 4 children and I think of how much i would have loved to be a god mother to that baby, how much fun we could have had, how much i loved them both and wanted nothing but to help. Sometimes I daydream about bumping into her at the supermarket we both frequent on some weekend, some year and her little girl, probably walking and talking looking up at me, a complete stranger. She'll never know how I used to hold her, change her diapers and sing to her for the first 2 months of her life. I cant help but hope that I have my own little one in my arms.. i cant help but hope Becky does find some happiness along the way. It's just.. its a little sad. But i have moved on, i am def. happier not having her in my everyday life. I feel like I have freedom now, I can go places, do what I please without having to answer to her. I can make an excuse like "Oh, i'm not feeling well" and I don't have to wonder if she's stalking the front of my house to see if I leave and who with.As my FI says, I was like her sidekick. All the things she wanted to do, that she had no one to do them with, I would just agree to. I was her little ever-constant and went and did whatever she pleased. I hope she treats her next best friend with the respect and unconditional love that they DESERVE, or she will be a very unhappy person for the rest of her days.

Thanks Bees.

xoxo

Aimee