- 3 years ago
- Wedding: October 2014
This is my first post due to having one hell of a week! I had to post because where else am I going to find anyone dealing with wedding and family drama? I appologize now as this will probably be a bit lengthy.
FI and I have been together 5 1/2 years and we are about 4 weeks out from our local elopement (10/30!) after trying since January to plan a small wedding and not finding a way to afford it. I have only shared this info with a few people so far, to kept it off social media and have been actually having a great time getting everything together with my little sister. She and I are best friends and she has been helping me with everything. My plan is for the 8 people we are closest to, to come with us to get married at the Philadelphia courthouse and then go to dinner, with FI picking 4 and me picking 4. My 4 are my sister, one of my brothers (the other is navy, unable to take leave & stationed in Seattle), my best friend, her husband. My parents, who are divorced, are not being invited for many reasons as followed.
Backstory, I am not close to my parents. I see my father here and there, however he was never around when I grew up, so I don’t have a relationship with him past being a casual aquaintence. My mother and I have not spoken in 6 years and we have developed a difficult relationship over the past decade due to her dealing with mental illness and my having to act as a third parent/caretaker to my sister. I am not cold-hearted to those who have issues like my mother does however you can only live with it for so long. I grew up with my mother calling me her biggest problem, at times claiming I was the cause of her mental illness. So imho, I think she and I are better not being involved with one anothers lives. My siblings still try to maintain a relationship with her, talking to her regularly and visiting her in FL, where she relocated to back in 2008.
2 weeks ago, I talked to my brother J to explain what the plan was and invite him, again, mentioning not to say anything to anyone including family or post online. My fiance and I had been planning to tell people once we were sure the date would work with his schedual as he had a hard time getting days off (thats another story). My brother J told me this past thursday that he had talked to our mother and told her, going against what I had said. Initially my brother said our mother did not care after hearing the news of my engagement/wedding. She then went and told her half of the family, who are now very upset with me and have started calling me to confront me about the whole thing. All she was even told was that I was getting married in October, no details but clearly enough to upset people who I had not had the chance to call yet as FI and I are both off tues 9/30 and were going to be making our calls during the day.
To complicate this further, there is a family reunion trip in December that we were planning to go on, to catch up with family I haven’t seen from my mothers side of the family and to introduce them to FI/DH. I just found out my cousin is planning to propose to his longtime gf during this trip which I’m very excited about. My mother has since told my sister that due to my “surprise” wedding, she doesn’t want anyone to “feel like their thunder is being stolen” at the trip but it is a concern of hers. I feel now as if, somehow, our very small wedding would ruin his proposal which is upsetting as we are by no means trying to cause such an issue. FI is now uncomfortable about going on the trip despite knowing this is coming from my mother, not my cousin.
I did try to talk to my brother yesterday who became rather hostile, mentioning that I don’t talk to our mother anyway, so why do I care what she says before abruptly shutting down the conversation. I don’t care what she has to say, just that she is hurting people by what she is saying and that it isn’t her news to tell, it’s mine and my choice how and when everyone finds out. I will be talking to my Aunt (cousin’s mother) tomorrow before going down my list of people to call. I was really happy this time last week and now I’m really bummed by everything.
I guess I’m at a loss – I don’t know anyone who has these kinds of family issues.