Post # 1
I just commented on another bee’s difficult situation with a future in law, and it got me thinking about my own. I love my SO’s entire family, with the exception of one person, my future brother in law’s wife. I wouldn’t mind her so much, not everyone in life is meant to get along, but its gotten to the point where I don’t know how to deal with her.
She literally makes the meanest comments, mostly which revolves around my wedding plans. Her own wedding was not attended by anyone in her family, as they are all back in the old country, and could not get the appropriate visas. My SO’s family literally paid and coordinated everything because she had no one to help her. I understood that it must have been hard for her not being included in her own wedding plans. However, as much as I empathize with her, it doesn’t give her rights to crap all over my wedding. My SO and I are paying for everything ourselves, and after being together for 7 years, I’m getting my dream wedding. However, anytime anyone in the family asks about wedding planning or the costs, I hear from her something along the lines, of “OMG that is so expensive. That’s like double or triple the cost of ours at our wedding.” Realistically, you get what you paid for, her wedding was not that great (sorry that was a bit catty of me, but its true). I have caught her talking behind my back saying that I am spoiled (which I’m not) and that I’m using my SO for money (which is a definite lie, as I make more than he does). She also makes comments on my weight and tries to embarass me in front of my Future Mother-In-Law by acting that I know nothing of Vietnamese traditions which I do.
What do I do bees? My SO just tells me to ignore her, because clearly she is jealous. The only reason I haven’t spoken up yet is because I know she will drag her husband into it which brings my man in. Next thing you know, its going to be drama, which I hate! However, the longer I ignore her, the more the comments keep coming. Its getting to the point where I want to confront her? Good idea? Bad idea?
Any advice is much appreciated. =)
Post # 3
When you respond to her, do it in front of others. Something simply along the lines of “The comments you make about my wedding are hurtful and maybe give here a few examples. I know you don’t mean to be hurtful. I’d appreciate it if you would stop.” Say it in front of several others so there will be no chance for her to retell her version of the story with a different twist and she will have no choice but to respond with an apology and hopefully she has the self control to stop.
Post # 4
I have to respectfully disagree. I feel as if she is doing this to ellicit a response from you, but it has nothing to do with you. It is about her own feelings about her own wedding and her own insecurities. I wouldn’t entertain her silly comments. In fact, the next time she says something snarky, I would simply tell her exactly that. I would say “You know what? You had YOUR day, but this is MY day and if you don’t have anything nice to say then I would appreciate it if you didn’t say anything at all”
If she continues, simply discontinue communication with her. She’s not worth the stress.
Post # 5
She’s obviously trying to get a rise out of you and in the process is making herself look like a jealous, catty bitch. She’s doing it for the same reason that bullies do it in high school, because she’s insecure.
Honestly, just ignore her. She isn’t worth the stress and aggravation.
Post # 6
OMG sounds like my husbands sister in law as well! She did a similar thing to me. It was hard to say anything in front of everyone to her because I didn’t want to seem like I was starting trouble. It got so bad and she threatened to come over to my house and punch my face in just because I asked her nicely if her daughters which was the flower girls could come to my house to get their hair done….. So I gave it back to her… and then she went up to my husband and said that everything was my fault. I know she was trying to get me upset… but seriously it was just sad of her.. She brought that up one day and I was like “Yeah I know and?” She wasn’t smiling because she honestly thought that I would get upset.
Anyway, I had a nice word to my Mother-In-Law and told her that she needed to intervene if she wanted a happy family, because like your SIL mine had no family.
If I would do it all again after the first … AND I did. AND we didn’t invite them and it was the best WEDDING EVER!!
If I were you, I would lose their invitation. Otherwise you can only do one thing to set it straight….
BUT YOU MUST DO IT…even if everyone gets upset… this is your day and NO ONE else gives a s*** as much as you do.
You have to say straight out maybe when everyone is eating dinner or when you’re Mother-In-Law and Father-In-Law is there and say exactly this “I have decided, that I am not inviting _____ because she belittles me and I am not going to tolerate it anymore.” At least this way they know that you’re serious.
Post # 7
well, if she says that’s so expensive… maybe just say you know, but your wedding is worth it 😉 or if you hear her say something behind your back, just speak up and say oh, no -insert truth here- so you’re not really being catty but you are speaking up. 🙂
Post # 8
Stop telling her how much things cost. If she asks just say, “That’s between Fiance and I. Why do you ask?” If she makes a snarky comment like that must mean it’s expensive, I’d add on, “Nope, it just means I’m not comfortable sharing our budget with other people, it seems kinda rude.” I would also have your Fiance say something to his brother about how she needs to stop being so nasty to you, and that if someone was treating his wife that way he would want them to stop, and he needs to give that same respect towards you and your Fiance.
Post # 9
Thanks bees for all the advice. I really appreciate it.
At this point, I think I’m going to do a mix of what Zippylef and PeterPotamus suggested. I’ll just ignore her for now. If I do catch her making comments behind my back, I’ll speak up. It’s about time I show my backbone. If all else fails, I’ll ask my Future Mother-In-Law to talk to her as Knight.Keira mentioned.
@2ndtime and @ViaMinorViator:
In a perfect world, your perfectly logical comments would make sense to say to her. However, she is not a rational human being. Also, her ego is highly inflated due to the fact she married the oldest brother in the family. Thank you for your advice though. When the situation becomes unbearable, I may have to use your suggestions to battle the dragon.
I can’t disinvite her and her husband. As much as I would love to, I just can’t. I’m hoping my Future Mother-In-Law can step in if it doesn’t stop.
I actually tried not omitting how much things cost, but its usually an older relative such as an future aunt in law or my Future Mother-In-Law that asks. My future sister in law just hears the price while sidelining and goes off. I would love to keep the costs to myself but I’m just not in the position where I can omit them. MY SO’s family is pretty open concerning money. I don’t think I’m going to get much help from the brother in law. Him and his wife are ideally suited for one another. Also, he’s the oldest brother so his sense of self is pretty inflated. =( But thank you for your advice.
Thanks bees again! I’ll keep you guys updated if anything changes.
Post # 10
@Olive12: Good luck! You mentioned hoping your Future Mother-In-Law will step in…could your Fiance ask her to? Maybe big brother would be more willing to listen if it was coming from her?
Post # 11
The other thing that I did, was I asked to speak to her privately in a room at my inlaws house, but don’t close the door. Confront her and I am pretty sure she’ll lose it. Everyone will her lose it, you’re setting her straight. Inlaws know this, but you have to keep really calm. Be extra nice tell her if she has anything to say to say it to your face. That the wedding is none of her business. Stay calm.
Post # 12
Thanks! I already told my Fiance if it got any worse he would have to have a talk with the Future Mother-In-Law. He agreed. I’m hoping it doesn’t get to that point.
Thank you. I will definitely keep this in mind. My Fiance has been more active in the discussions about wedding planning. Since he has a pretty strong voice and opinion, I find she isn’t being as abrasive. Score!