Post # 1
I am going to sound like a bridezilla to FIs family because out of his two little sisters (21 and 22) I only want one of them to be in the wedding party. I was fairly close with the older one but once we decided our wedding date (5/23/15 and also her birthday) and I didn’t invite her to a concert SO and I were attending, she has become stone cold towards us. She does dumb things like ignoring us when we are all in the same room (Hey xxx! followed by silence LOL) or purposely ordering takeout when we invite her and her parents out to dinner. <br /><br />IDGAF if she’s not talking to me or FI, really, but I also had planned for both her and the younger sister to be in the bridal party and everyone knew this without me officially saying so. Now that she’s clearly done with us I just don’t want to deal with her being negative. But her mom will be disappointed as she is also paying for a small portion of the wedding.
People told me to hav a chat with her but it’s so hard to want to actually do that when she is so rude! She will straight up walk out of the room if my SO comes in when we are at FILs house. I could probably text her, but idk what to say.
Post # 2
I think I would either talk to her or not talk to her and still make her a part of the wedding. This will be your future in laws and how you choose to handle the wedding will make an impression on these people forever.
She is young, and she is being a little immature, but I would still extend the “olive branch” and be the bigger person to set a good example. She will someday be an aunt to you kids (if you have them) and be a part of your life forever. Don’t let some little misunderstanding affect how you treat her and set the tone for your relationship with her forever.
She can either accept your invitation to be a part of the wedding or not, but if you leave it up to her, then it’s her choice and a reflection of her, not you.
Post # 3
Having dealt with my brother who just turned 22, many 22 year olds are still basically teenagers. They are at that stage where they think they know everything. I know legally they are adults, and a few are more mature than others. It sounds like this girl isn’t.
The biggest thing I have learned from my brother is to keep the door open. I know it’s hard right now, but I would just keep her involved, and just expect her parents to make sure she shows up on the day of with the right dress.
Also, your wedding is over a year away. Who knows what could happen between then and now? Don’t worry about picking your wedding party formally until at least August. She might get over what ever issue she has by that time.
Post # 4
Texting isnt personal and is in no way how to have a serious conversation with someone. If you don’t want to sound like bridezilla, you pretty much are going to have to talk to her to figure out whats going on which shows everyone else that you tried and that it would be her being ridiculous. Plus it will be easier to talk to her and potentionally get this resolved than have this on your mind when you have so many other things to plan and look forward to. Start the talk with.. I feel like things have been different between us and wanted to make sure you are doing okay because this, this and this happened that make me wonder if you are upset with me. If she talks about it great, if not you know you tried and can make your decision with that. If it is the wedding date that bothers her, see if there is anything you can do to make it better. If you are willing to change the date- great if not maybe making sure there is a dinner/get together/party for her bday would help her feel like its just not focused on your wedding. You won’t find your answers on here though and until you two talk this will most likely continue to be in your thoughts. on a great note- I cant tell you how many times I was so upset about something and realized it was a huge misunderstanding when I actually spoke with the person. I actually got so mad at my sister I didnt speak with her for a year because we both took things that were said different than what was meant. Live and learn. Best of luck!!
Post # 5
why should you talk to her? your FI should handle it. he should tell her that you’re in his life and he’s not okay with anybody being rude/mean to you and she needs to get it together and stop that because it really hurts him etc.
Post # 6
I wouldn’t include either of them, in my wedding. If you have only 1, there will be drama. If you have both, I think you’ll have your hands full. There must be some other job, that you can assign for them to do?
Post # 7
at first, i thought, yes you should continue to include her…but then i realized this is your FI’s family, not yours. screw them.
involve your own family and friends. you don’t owe them a damn thing. and you still have time to switch out bridesmaids. plenty of time. i switched out a bridesmaid, reimbursed her for her dress, and everything like 3 months before my wedding.
Post # 8
I’d ask her, and let her decide. A year from now she could do a 180 and you’d regret not having her. And if she says no, well, that’s her choice. She’s being silly and petty, but like someone else said, 22-year-olds can definitely still be like teenagers. I’d be the bigger person here. That said, you don’t have to continue to let her treat you like crap, but I’d at least show her that you want to have a good relationship again and give her the chance to do so.
Post # 9
Thanks everyone for the awesome replies. It gives me a lot to think about. @Misswhowedding : The biggest reason I have started my bridesmaid selection is because our wedding is mostly a destination for my family, most of whom live in a different country. So that everyone can fairly prepare and budget the trip,including the rest of the bridesmaids, I need to make a decision on the wedding party sooner rather than later.
Otherwise, I am totally non-confrontational but do not appreciate being blown off, so I am sort of trying to avoid having such a face-to-face talk where she has the opportunity to blow it up in my face and feel it’s crazy that I even have to have a talk with her. I fully understand that it won’t get anywhere without us talking but I’m human– I’m dreading having to even discuss an issue that somebody has made up their mind about.
Post # 10
Shkragoldfish: I agree, they are his sisters. If one of them is being rude and disrespectful to you, he needs to speak to her. After that convo you can decide from there.
Post # 11
This is another case where the language one uses has an effect on the outcome. I see that a lot on the bee.
You’re saying things like *now she’s clearly done with us* and *I’m dreading having to even discuss an issue that somebody has made up their mind about*. None of those things are actually true. You’ve just decided that they’re true and are moving forward as though they are. When I’m in this kind of situation, I think *whelp, she’s still got a bee in her bonnet. I’ll give her a litte more time to get over it*. You don’t need to have such a *fatalistc* outlook and it isn’t really helpful. You have no idea if she’s *done* or not and really, this doesn’t require more than a shoulder-shrug-wait-and-see, IMO. It is not productive to base your actions and decision on what you think she is feeling.
And as far as you feeling *it’s crazy that I even have to have a talk with her*, that’s kind of sad. this is a family member for life. Yeah, she’s being a bit snitty. But she hasn’t done anything so harmful or detrimental to you or your loved ones that all communication should be cut off. This is what happens in large groups of people with different emotions, temperments and approaches. you work it out. The first step to that is talking. It isn’t a huge deal that you might have to have a conversation with her. If you truly feel your entire future with this almost-family member doesn’t warrant the simplest gesture of a conversation, I don’t know what to tell you.
Post # 12
This is going to be your family. Don’t do anything that will make them have negative feelings towards you. It’s not worth it.
Post # 13
Are you really going to goon forever never addressing the issue with her (and when I say you, I mean you or your FI)? i wouldn’t . A simple “I am sorry your feelings were hurt, but we are going to be in each others lives forever, and I want things to be better between us” would go a longway.
I am guessing she also thinks that some of the actions you have taken were cold towards her too.I am guessing talking to her would make things a lot better for all of you.Not just so you can pick your bridal party either, but because you will be family.
Post # 15
interchangeable: I never said it doesn’t warrant the conversation, but her actions in the past 3 months include a great deal of ways of ignoring any olive branches that have been extended to her. I dread the conversation because it’s never going to be easy to have an adult conversation with somebody who has repeatedly shown through her actions, not my decisions, that she does not see the point of being amicable. The OP even says that I don’t know what to say.
I agree it’s sad that the situation is what it is and that was the point of my post. It’s been dragging for a while now and I needed advice on what to say or how to approach somebody who sees no issue in being negative toward what is supposed to be a happy occasion.