Dreaded child RSVP – help!!!!

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: What should I do?
    Say sorry they can't come and leave it at that : (86 votes)
    96 %
    Extend the invite to the child so they can all attend : (4 votes)
    4 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    7397 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    Say you are really sorry that they wont be there and that they will be missed.

    If you start making exceptions for one couple you will need to make them for everyone.

    Post # 4
    Member
    6812 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2014

    I don’t think it’s right to have a rule and to break it for someone. I also don’t think that if people are expected to travel to your wedding that it’s right that you think they can leave their kid alone for 2 nights either. Just my opinion.

    But, what’s done is done – you’ve already made the rule (no toddlers) and I don’t think you should break it. Perhaps they waited 2 weeks past the RSVP because they were looking around to see if anyone can watch the toddler while they were gone for 2 nights. They already expressed to you that there was difficulty in coming without the toddler, so I think that was your opportunity to say, “We would prefer no toddlers come since that’s the rule we made and it would be unfair to other couples with toddlers, but we would much prefer you be there with the toddler than without, so if you really can’t find someone to take care of the toddler, but can come if you bring him/her, then we’d rather have you there than not.”

    I think you missed your opportunity. At this point, I would just say, “That sucks, sorry you can’t make it – you’ll be missed! We’ll have to celebrate together once we get back.”

    Post # 5
    Member
    689 posts
    Busy bee

    It gets tricky when you invite some but not others. You’re just going to have to tell them they will be missed. 

    Post # 6
    Member
    1193 posts
    Bumble bee

    I think you would have to tell them sorry, you wish you could accomodate small children, but you can’t. You may offend them, but if you tell them yes, you risk offending the other 9 couples who aren’t bringing their toddlers.

    Post # 7
    Member
    6866 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    FI’s friend was wrong to reply so late, and to ask if their child was invited when it should have been  clear he was not. However, I would not read calculated motives into the late reply. Just  say you are sorry they can’t join you.

    Chances are they were hoping for a known babysitter to come through.  Yes, they  should have kept you informed and asked if it was OK to have an extension on the  RSVP.  It was rude not to.  But I don’t at all fault them for not looking to you first to work things out.  Maybe they did not want to impose or were not willing to consider an outside sitter.  Guests don’t need to justify or even give a reason for a “no” reply.  

    Post # 8
    Member
    975 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2014 - Banff, Alberta

    So only children aged 2-4 aren’t invited? I don’t think that is fair… All kids or no kids. Otherwise it will look like you are just showing certain guests preferential treatment by letting them bring their kids but not other guests. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    3077 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2015

    Just let it be, tell them you’ll miss them, thank them for getting back to you and move on. You don’t want the kid there anyway and I don’t blame you. I disagree with the “preferential treatment” the PP mentioned, family is one thing & infants are one thing. It sucks that the window is so small for children you’re not inviting but that’s your call. We also won’t be having toddlers, they’re going to misbehave at some point. Older kids can entertain themselves.

    Post # 10
    Member
    42469 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @LadyKM:  Tell them you are sorry that they are unable to attend. End of story.

    Post # 11
    Member
    6048 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: March 2012

    They knew the deal prior to invites going out.  They waited 2 weeks to tell you this was the reason they couldn’t come… so sorry you will be missed, perhaps we can get together this year.  It really can’t be that big of a deal to them if they waited 2 weeks to inform you.  

    Post # 12
    Member
    629 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    They “can’t” come without their child and “don’t want to” are not the same thing. Sorry, don’t have a lot of sympathy for that. 

    Post # 13
    Hostess
    3787 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    @drlolaz:  That’s a quick judgement. We have no idea if the couple lives around family, if they can afford or even have a sitter capable of doing a whole weekend straight, if the kid has special needs, etc. Honestly, at 2.5, I can think of a ton of reasons why a couple can’t practically leave a young todler behind and travel to a wedding for a weekend.

    OP, it’s fine if you don’t want to invite the kids, this is just what happens. It sucks it took them so long to tell you, but maybe they just felt bad and awkward disappointing you. Definitely don’t make an exception though because I can definitely say that if a friend/family member made me figure out a whole weekend of childcare because my kid wasn’t invited and then other people’s kids were – we’d have a problem.

    Post # 14
    Member
    2073 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    I’m having an adult only wedding as well (well, more like 15 and over).  We told our wedding party that they could have their kids there (bc in our 10 people, that would total 3 kids, 1 being our nephew and the other 2 I already knew wouldn’t come).

    But I do think it’s strange that babies can come, and kids can come, just not toddlers?  It sounds like there’s still going to be a lot of kids there, and you just don’t want toddlers. 

    While I understand that toddlers are the most likely to be rambunctious during the ceremony/dinner, I don’t think you can really tell them their kids can’t come, and then have them be surrounded by babies that are younger and kids that are older.  It seems strange to me and as the guest, I think i’d be upset.  Whereas if I was told not to bring my child, and then there were not other young children there (except perhaps breastfeeding babies or really new borns), I’d understand.

    I think you need to either draw the line and say NO KIDS under *this age**  or allow kids.  YOu can’t say all kids EXCEPT this age group…

    Post # 15
    Member
    2073 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    ok wow, just read my comment and realize I was not helpful at all to what you were asking lol.  Sorry.  I guess like PP’s said, what’s done is done.  I would say don’t read alterior motives into it, but you know them better than us and whether or not that would be their intention.  Regardless, I’d say leave it.  Just thank them for letting you know and tell them they’ll be missed.  Maybe make an effort to get together with them shortly after the wedding so that it’s not awkward?  If you wait a LONG time to hang out with them afterwards, it may become more awkward than it needs to be…

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