Post # 1
Okay, so I have been lurking for a while, trying to get some support from you other waiting bees, but I’ve officially cracked and need to get my crazy concerns off of my chest!
My boyfriend and I have been together for three years, we own a home together…..but we’re not engaged and haven’t really talked about it much. He asked me over the summer what kind of rings I liked and there have been other conversations that implied that we would get married, but no real serious conversations about marriage.
I think that he may have purchased a ring already and he may have already asked for my parents’ permission (if not, he’ll see them over Thanksgiving).
So these all sound like good signs, other than I know he’s not going to ask anytime soon! We have a friend getting married in a few weeks and i know he won’t propose before the wedding b/c he would see that as being disrespectful and rude. I don’t think he’ll propose over the Holidays because we’ve both talked about how EVERYONE gets engaged over the Holidays and it’s kind of obnoxious.
So that leaves January. What happens in January, Bees? What happens is we’re going on a trip. It seems like a given that he would propose then, but I don’t think he will! I think he is too cautious/nervous to haul an expensive ring around with him to a foreign country!
My concerns are really threefold:
- Everyone I know thinks we’ll get engaged on this trip, but I DON’T! All I can think about is how upset I will be coming home from this trip, unengaged, and knowing that I’ll have to face everyone I know saying, “wow, I really thought you’d get engaged there!” Oh, thanks!
- I know it’s irrational, but I’m having a really hard time getting excited for our trip and I don’t even want to do any planning for it because I’m already thinking about how devastated I’m going to feel coming back home ringless. And then I really get the crazy train going and start to wonder if he has any intention of proposing, maybe he changed his mind since he asked me about rings? I feel like if there’s no proposal on this trip, it will be time to have a serious conversation about the direction of our relationship. I think that this is a much bigger concern for me than facing everyone else’s expectations.
- How am I going to enjoy myself on this trip if, in the back of my mind, I’m waiting for a proposal that I don’t think will come?
I know I should just stop being such a pessimist, but it’s so hard once you start driving yourself crazy!
Has anyone else had “the big trip” while they were waiting and come back without a ring? Was it as depressing as I think it might be? How do I get myself excited for this trip?
Post # 3
You’ve got to go into it with no expectations…then there is nothing to be sad about when it doesn’t happen. You need to spend the time between now and Jan. pumping yourself up for an awesome trip, and TELLING yourself (and others, if they are pestering you) that it’s not going to happen then. Enjoy the present and don’t live in the future!
People need to mind their own business! I know how you feel though.
Post # 4
@Bbzzzzt: I went on a big trip to Puerto Rico, and he made sure to tell me that this wouldn’t be the proposal, so I went on thinking it wasn’t. Then we had anohter big trip planned a month later, but he didn’t tell me he wasn’t going to propose. While I thought that would be it, I kept it away from my mind because he had once told me it wouldn’t be on a trip, but I thought he was telling me that to “throw me off his scent.”
I came back with no ring that time but wasn’t the least bit disappointed because I had a lot of fun. The sad thing was I had no other big events coming up.
He chose to propose to me on a Friday in Septemeber with a video he made. No big fancy dinner, my hair was a mess and unwashed, no makeup, and I was hangry and almost incapable of sitting through my own proposal (obviously I didn’t know at the point).
So, what I am trying to say is, guys don’t think like women, and sometimkes they don’t feel the need to use trips as an excuse to propose. I was proposed to on a very insignificant day. All the special days you just have to ignore the fact that you may get a ring and just have fun. You’re with the person you love in the end, right?
Post # 5
This is me! We go away this Sunday to the states for 2 weeks!Everyone and their dog has mentioned about us getting engaged. Today I was arranging a meeting with a senior manager who I maybe talk to once a month and was explaining the meeting will need to be this week as ill be out of office. This manager asked where we were going, and would we be getting engaged! And this was a male manager! My 3 year old niece asked me on the phone today with my mother in the background laughing her lead off! We’re doing a 2 week trip to the states from the uk which ends in NYC and we’ll be there for the official Christmas lighting ceremony. Yeah sounds romantic except I know based on previous conversations it may not happen, but the more ppl say it the more I think hmmmm maybe?!! It’s getting annoying! I have enough waiting anxiety without all those comments!! I have no advice really cos I’m driving myself crazy too! I think when I’m actually on vacation it will be different as we’ll be busy and meeting some family and friends the first week! I’m trying to remind myself that I have wanted to go to NYC at Christmas since I was a child and to not let anything ruin this! This week I’m doing up an intinary of everything I want to see and do and try and ignore the comments!!
Post # 6
@kmb727 you’re very right… and worrying about it now isn’t going to change the future. I just need to remind myself that all this anxiety won’t get me anywhere or change anything… other than to ruin things for myself.
@megz06 – “guys don’t think like women” – that’s a very good point! I think that he will do something very special for a proposal, but I forget that there are things you can do to make a proposal any day of the week very special!
@Bettyboo1982 – How exciting!! Where all are you visiting? As the other posters are saying, just try to enjoy yourself and live in the moment! (I know, I know – easier said than done!) It’s hard not to get weighed down by others expectations. One of my favorites was a friend telling me he was “SHOCKED I wasn’t engaged yet.” *Sigh*
Thanks for the posts! I’ll have to keep re-reading these as the date gets closer to calm myself down!
Post # 7
@Bbzzzzt: yes, I’ve had the “big trip” where I thought it would happen (over an anniversary no less!) and it didn’t. TWICE! Each time, I kinda let everyone else’s excitement that it would happen pump me up, even though we hadn’t really talked about it in certain terms. So when it didn’t happen on the second trip, I was devastated. In my opinion, I ruined the most amazing vacation I’ve ever been on. DO NOT BE THIS GIRL!!!! lol. As cliche as it sounds, just try to enjoy the vacation for what it is, and don’t worry about anything else. Regardless of if you get a proposal or not, you’ll still have had a good time.
I agree with the PP that says that guys don’t think that way. And I know it to be true now because when we came back from the second trip, I sat him down and had a serious “where is this going” discussion. He didn’t understand why in my mind, vacation = proposal. I guess I didn’t really either, but I was pretty much letting other people’s expectations get into my head. Now, we’re on the same page and have no vacations planned for this year, and it just so happens that he’s just about finished paying on the ring, so I guess that whenever he plans to do it, it’ll just be special because it happened.
Come here as often as you need to vent and keep us posted!
Post # 8
I too had a “big trip”. He planned a super secret weekend away to celebrate my birthday and our 4th anniversary together. EVERYONE and I mean EVERYONE thought that he was going to propose. It got to the point where so many people had talked to him about it he sat me down and told me he wasn’t going to propose, but it was going to be an amazing weekend and he didn’t want all this pressure to ruin it.
I wasn’t really expecting a proposal, but the fact that everyone else (his parents included) thought he would propose started to get me a little excited. In the end I was really glad he told me that there would be no proposal, because it really was a beautiful weekend away and we had so much fun! I wasn’t patting down his pockets, peeking around every corner, digging through desserts. He did propose 3 months later on a Thursday, right after work, he was still covered in drywall and mud. He had the ring for maybe 20 minutes before he cracked and proposed totally unexpectedly.
My advice is go with your gut. Tell people to calm down, you don’t need a trip to get engaged and just relax and enjoy your trip! You know your partner better than anyone, and if you don’t think they’ll propose on this trip… they likely won’t. Have fun on your trip. You know a proposal is coming at some point, so what is the use in worrying about when it happens?
Post # 9
@Bbzzzzt: we go to Chicago for 6 nights to visit family and one of my best friends who moved their recently and just got engaged ha! Then we go to NYC for 5 nights! We’ve been to Chicago before so first week we will chill out and then I have so many things I want to see in New York I need to get a list sorted!
I think ppl are so clueless with their comments! That man in work today doesn’t even know me! He had to ask me who i was going on vacation with when I said my bf he just assumed a proposal without even knowing how long we were together?!! There’s one particular bitter woman in work whos long married and always makes a point of saying ” oh hope you get a big sparkler” she doesn’t hope I do she’s saying it to be mean! When we came back from a city break last month she said ” hi how was your weekend?” And straight away dropped her eyes to my left hand! Ahhhh maybe I’m being over sensitive!
my friend got proposed to on vacation. She thought it was gonna to happen added to the fact everyone said it to her before the trip. She ended up having a meltdown the second last night cos nothing had happened. He proposed the next day ( he had planned to) but she said she really ruined her trip. She said she would have preferred a random proposal at home
Post # 10
@Bbzzzzt: update it won’t be happening on this trip, just found some search history on the I pad and it’s looking like February 2014 in Rome I should be happy but at this stage I’m so over waiting! I sound like a spolt brat but seriously like I actually feel like crying I was pretty sure it wouldn’t be happening but I still had the hope. I actually feel like throwing up. Another 3 bloody months!!
Post # 11
You’ve been given lots of good advice already. You definately have to just try not to think about it. Try to enjoy the trip. You want to be surprised, right? So just let it happen and let your bf do it when he’s ready. I am sure he wants it to be perfect!
Post # 12
@Bbzzzzt: Okay here are my responses to your points:
1) If you want to get married, I think it’s a GREAT thing that everyone thinks you will be getting engaged. To be fair…it means that you two have been together long enough for people to CONSIDER you two at a time in your life appropriate to get engaged, and maybe healthy pressure from friends/family is what he needs to propose. If you want to get married–then it sounds like it’s time for him to either propose or maybe you should consider if this is something you can live without.
2) Why so negative? *Maybe* an engagement will happen (Yay!) *Maybe* it won’t. The only reason a big conversation about the future needs to happen is if YOU want it too and you are ready to have that conversation. If you are NOT ready to leave/have this conversation, then don’t. Not everyone *needs* to be married.
3) Why can’t you just enjoy the trip? And maybe you need a trip like this to finally leave expectations at the door?
SO made this HUGE BIG deal last December about me spending xmas with him. Thought we were going to get engaged…and so did everyone else….didn’t happen. Ruined my first ever xmas with my SO (we’d been dating 2.5 years), and it made me depressed for 6 months. DON’T BE LIKE ME. Oh BOY I wasted sooo much time in my life that I cannot get back! Didn’t want to celebrate my birthday, didn’t want to see my friends and go out and have fun because I was embarrassed!
And you know what…I ruined some of my friendships. One of my friend’s husband’s went into the hospital and I was soo busy having a pity party that I didn’t see him nearly as much as I should have…and I am working overtime to repair the friendship. Now, if my SO proposes anytime soon, I’m hoping I will have friends IRL who want to celebrate with me and not just a bunch of bees to congratulate me lol.
Don’t be like me, learn from my mistakes, and just get out of your head/expectations and live your life in the MOMENT and enjoy it! You will live to regret it if you don’t!
Post # 13
My SO wanted to go on vacation in December but honestly I will be a little disappointed because I KNOW I’m not getting a proposal. This year or next or next or for at least the next 4 years.
Post # 14
@Bettyboo1982 Maybe it’s a backup plan? 🙂
@veryberry13 You got down to one of the things that has been on my mind a lot: what if he doesn’t want to get married? I have been thinking about this for months. I never thought I wanted to get married… until I met my boyfriend. Now I want nothing more than to be his wife. He never had very strong feelings about marriage either, but I am hoping that maybe he feels the same way about marrying me (hey, a girl can hope, right?). I have many clues that he wants to get married, so I shouldn’t be too worried about it, but it’s one of those fears that always creeps into the back of my mind. I have done a lot of thinking about this and I really have no idea what I would do if he said he had no intention of marrying me. I would be extreamly hurt and devistated. I don’t know what would come of it, but I don’t think I could stay with someone long term that clearly didn’t feel the same way about me as I feel about him. And, yes, I’m trying REALLY HARD to not ruin my own happiness by obsessing over things! It’s amazing what our minds are capable of!
Post # 15
Well it’s all about the spin you put on it, right? I’ve been in the same situation, a big trip together with my SO in the US where we met, exactly 3 years after we met, after having been apart for a whole month… Everyone thought he would propose but I just knew he wouldnt – I know he never will, as a matter of fact – we’re going ring shopping next week and will probably get married next year if all works out, but if not then it’ll be the year after on whenever we feel like it lol – but of course he didn’t propose! Duhh!
Yes, it can be a little hard when everyone have these kind of expectations to your relationship, and although I find it a tiny bit rude and annoying, I think you should just do what I did and put on a big grin and say it as it is: ‘ahaha, I know everyone thought that but I always knew this wouldn’t be the time, I’m tellin’ ya, it’s not him at all to it like that’. Just feed people an answer that won’t make them feel bad for you, which in turn will make you feel worse for yourself. The waiting game is best played in private inside your own head, not to be spilled out over too many people… Whenever people ask me I always just say: Listen, I know he will never propose like that, we’re just not that kind of couple, we’ll just get married some day. Everyone gets that. Try not to be upset about it, own it in stead. Don’t feel bad for yourself, it sounds like it will happen at some point so don’t ruin the trip in advance – that’s just silly.
Post # 16
So the week of our trip is finally here! We made it through the holidays, our anniversary, going to my home state and seeing my whole family and friends – all without a proposal. I can’t say that I’m really surprised that it didn’t happen during these events because I really, really think he’s waiting until this trip!
He said to me in the past that if there’s two things a guy has to get right, it’s the ring and the proposal – so I have a hunch that he’d want it to be something very remarkable, but not in a big-crazy-public-proposal-type-of-way. More of an amazing scenery, outdoorsy type of way. 🙂
I also know that he has the ring – I found the receipt.
My excitement/nervousness/anxiety levels are SKY HIGH!! Ahhhh! I might not be able to sleep for the next week!
And then…there’s the scary side – What if he doesn’t propose?? It will be AWFUL! I keep imaging the plane ride home and how terrible I will feel. Let’s hope that doesn’t happen!!! Eeeeee! I am not worried about ruining the trip for myself, I will enjoy it either way. I’m much more worried about the flight home and having all of that time to think! I’m going to tell myself I’ll be spending that time planning a wedding instead of sobbing/wondering why he didn’t ask. LOL! In all reality, I’m being dramatic, I’d be fine, BUT the only thing that has kept me from going crazy during “engagement season” is knowing that we have this trip coming up and that I am pretty sure he’ll propose during it.
Oh, being a waiting bee can be so tough!!
Okay, lots of positive thoughts that by this time next week, I’ll have a fiancé!!!! 🙂