(Closed) Wedding nobody else seems to want or approve of…depressed…any hope?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1628 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Sounds like you have a few issues going on here so I’ll speak to them point by point.

1. Your family isn’t being supportive of the relationship or the marriage/wedding.  LDR on top of meeting over the internet is probably going to make people more sceptical, but it is because they love you…and it sounds like they haven’t had a chance to meet your SO and see how you two are together.  I think if you were my daughter or sister or best friend and you were talking about marrying someone I’d never met and who you’ve not gotten to spend a lot of “in person” time with, I’d be worried too. Not the “you’re ruining your life” kind of worried, but the worried where I just don’t know and realize the situation is not what I’d expected.  Your father probably always assumed he’d really know your FH even before he proposed and that isn’t happening–it can be disconcerting.  Then you say you’re moving to another country (and Montreal to Miami is not exactly a short distance) so there is probably a huge issue there. They are 1. sad you’re moving and not happy about that, and 2. they’re worried about you moving to another country and being somewhere where you only know your SO and that IS scary for them.  Maybe having your family meet your SO will go a LONG way in helping with this.

2. SO doesn’t believe in marriage. This is way tricky. But, at least he’s still willing to do it because it’s important to you. Possibly the process along the way will excite him again, but you two probably need to really sit down and discuss. Can he still be romantic and supportive through the SUPER stressful planning process even if he doesn’t want to be part of it? Will you grow resentful of that? How will he describe marriage to your future children?

3. Your family is already wary of him and he also is clear that he doesn’t believe in marriage. Yup. That alone would make my family freaked out and less than supportive of a wedding.  You really need to work out point #2 so that you can make the family more supportive.  Also, once you are actually engaged, that should help because they’ll see this as more serious business and will know it is really happening (and is not you just hoping and your SO placating you by saying you’ll get married….firm plans will help a lot here)

 

Post # 6
Member
1309 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I met my husband online! But I can see why your family might be expressing their love for you through concern about your relationship. They might feel that you don’t really know a person until you’ve spent a lot of time with them, face to face, and I agree for the most part… but there are always exceptions where it works out.

Has he met your family and friends (and you met his)? That could go a long way to bridging the gap!

ETA: whoops I just saw he hasn’t met your fam yet. That’s one thing to get done ASAP, is there anyway he can spend a few weeks up north really having quality time with you and everyone?

Post # 7
Member
1628 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@lionskitty:  It’s ok….and I wanna add this in if it makes you feel better…my FI and I were long distance for 5 years. The first 5 years of our relationship actually.  So I completely understand how you feel there and how you can TOTALLY love someone from a distance and it does force you to talk more and not rely on just shared experiences.  It’s true the living together then brings new issues and new closeness and is amazing in it’s own right, but since most people don’t do LDRs people have weird ideas about them. Try to brush it off.

Post # 9
Member
746 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

That’s exciting that you get to see him again soon! Maybe you guys can have a conversation about what marriage means, and what a wedding means, and what your relationship means. Talking through the differences in those words might help.

 

Also, it seems good that you’ll likely be dating for another year before you get married. Perhaps he still needs time to heal from his previous marriage, and that year might help him learn to trust again.

Post # 12
Member
1828 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

A friend of mine married someone he met online. They had a LDR (Texas to Alberta then Ontario)then got married and lived in Texas for a while until he got called back to work. Now he is here in Ontario(for the last 2-3 years) and she has been in Texas trying to get all the paperwork done to move here. It’s finally been approved and she will be moving here this summer. They are well off so they have flown back and forth quite frequently and spend a lot of time online together but it still has not been easy.

They are a success story but I do understand your family’s concern…I think my friend and his wife are in the minority. Introduce him to your family and hopefully their opinion will change.

That being said the not caring about marriage is more concerning. After my divorce from a cheating abusive husband I thought I would never get married again. I even told FH that when we were first dating. However my attitude changed as I grew to love him. Please don’t be in a rush to get married if he’s not ready….it will only make things more complicated and could have a detrimental effect on you both.    

Post # 13
Member
1628 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@lionskitty:  Hmmm, is it possible then for you to travel with the parents to Miami sooner if they can fly cheap?  If the invite (even if it doesn’t end up happening) came from your SO then your parents might really appreciate that and see it as him trying to bond.  Even maybe something like a “skype date” where you can ‘introduce’ them?  Small steps like that might go help slowly ease your parents into being comfortable with SO, and might help SO get more excited about marriage again if he’s closer to your parents.

Post # 15
Member
1828 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@lionskitty:  lol My friend and his wife met on WoW too!!

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