Driving myself CRAZY!!!!!!

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m not really sure how old you are, but I assume you’re at least mid 20s if he’s in gradschool.  If you were really young, I would think 5 years is normal, but once you get a little older, it seems like you should be able to get it together by then.  I mean, it’s a sucky situation that so many women here are in, where the guy has all the power and does it whenever HE feels like it.  I believe honesty is the best policy, and you should be able to just tell him if it’s bothering you, and he should respect that and try to work with you on it.  It takes two people to get engaged, and you should get an input on it too if it’s important to you!  Just talk to him about why you don’t feel comfortable with the “within 6 months” melarky.

I do think gradschool delays adulthood a little though since he’s still a student essentially.  I have a 34 year old friend who still can’t manage to propose to his girlfriend or even discuss it since he just has no job and no idea where he’s gonna be living.  he’s still essentially in the mindset of a college student, really.  It could be possible that he has in his mind some sort of thought about finishing school first or something like that.  You might ask him about it.

Post # 4
3697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

It may be a pride thing. You think it’s great that his parents are willing to pay for your ring. He may see that as proof that he can’t take care of you or provide for you – two things that men pride themselves on and generally want before getting married. It’s possible that he needs to finish school , get a job and support himself before he can commit to marriage and a family. 

Post # 5
2394 posts
Buzzing bee



I think it’s good that he was the one who reached out to his parents for help in getting an engagement ring. However, I can understand why you’re concerned that he isn’t putting the pedal to the metal. He said it would happen in six months a year ago, and now he’s still saying it will be in six months, etc.


My advice would be to have a loving and gentle conversation with him and tell him, nicely, that you love him very much, and the time you’ve spent with him has been the happiest of your life, and you would love nothing more than to be with him forever, BUT, marriage is one of your goals in life, and you can’t stay in a relationship indefinitely without knowing where this is going, commitment-wise. And that after 5.5 years together as a couple, you would like to know what his intentions are as far as marriage.

And then wait and listen carefully to his response. If his response is a vague, “oh I’ll propose in six months” or something similar, I would tell him nicely that it makes me sad that we can’t be more concrete and specific than that, because this is something that is causing me to feel hurt. And that I need to know exactly what he has in mind.

If he can’t talk specifically about this with you, I would pull back from the relationship a little bit. I’m not talking about breaking up with him. I mean — just not being available to hang out with him quite so often, etc. This is not necessarily practical for you because you’re already living with him. I mean no offense by this, I promise-promise-promise, but one of the reasons I did not live with my DH before marriage is because I wanted to maintain my independence in the relationship until I knew he was really and truly committed to marrying me with a firm date set. It was important to me that I had my own place, my own phone, my own zip code, so that I could have the freedom to be completely “in” the relationship or to be able to pull out at any time if I felt we were not on the same track, or on the same timeline.

I don’t know whether you want to consider setting a “walk date” in your head, but that is honestly what I would do. I’m not talking about throwing a fit, making threats, giving an ultimatum, or refusing to compromise or be flexible. I’m talking about nicely and lovingly letting him know your bottom line and what you consider deal-breakers. It’s OK to stand up for what you think you deserve, and not being kept in the dark with question marks about something that is deeply important to you. After 5.5 years together you deserve an answer about where this is going, and when.

I hope some of what I’ve said will be helpful to you, somehow. Good luck!


Post # 6
573 posts
Busy bee

I know how you feel. OP, I think it is easy during the waiting stage for our SOS to say “6 months” as it buys them time to think yet that time might ome and pass and it’s “6 months” again.

SO said last night how he will decide when we will be engaged…  generally men need longer to process regarding it.  He wants to do it “properly” etc.  The aditional reason he wants to propose when he is ready is because I was the one to ask him out at the beginning and to bring up the “are we in a relationship” discussion.  He told me he loves me 3 and a half months into our relationship so it was nice that came from him.  Engagement and marriage is something he takes very seriously so I have to let him have this one.  He did say last night that it could be 4 years but after seeing my nose wrinkle at the thought of 4 years, he then mentioned 2, or 1 years.  He just hasn’t decided when yet.  But we discuss wedding and marriage with smiles and no pressure, so I guess I will just be patient 😛



Post # 7
140 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2018


It seems to me that things cooled down after he talked to his parents?. Sometimes parents can get a little over-excited, and start talking about ‘your’ future. Getting married, having babies/ grandchildren etc. and he is thinking, ‘Well, I am not ready for all that- I just want to get engaged and finish school first’. and it all can seems a little bit too much.

I would try to talk to him again about ‘timelines’- Explain that getting engaged, doesn’t mean that you are going to be getting married next week or even next month. It is just a sign of life-long commitment to the relationship.

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