Post # 1
Just as the title implies, I’m the Bridesmaid who decided to drop out of a friend’s wedding. Now, my friend is LIVID!!!! or in her own words "done with me". It all began a month ago when there were 4 bridesmaids (2 of which are her sisters) and a planned bridesmaid dress expedition. Well sister #1 did not want to go bridesmaid dress shopping on her day off from work so she convinces the bride to go look at some dresses. Well, the bride and her two sisters go look for a dress and they find one they like. Meanwhile the bride finds out that I know about their bridesmaid dress excursion so I receive a nice voicemail that basically states this: "I know that you know we are bridesmaid dress shopping so if you want to come up here you can but if you don’t, don’t worry about it". You can bet I didn’t worry about it!!!!! Then bridesmaid #4 finally makes the decision not to be in the wedding due to some family issues so then it is just the 3 of us, her two sisters and me. After lots of thinking, I decided that I didn’t want to be the "3rd wheel" of the wedding party so I told her to let her two sisters be her bridesmaids.
I think she is being a little extreme with everything because she even deleted me off of her myspace friend list *gasp*.
Basically, I don’t know what to do because she also happens to be my husband’s cousin who only shows up at a few family functions. Plus, sister #1 went crying to my MIL (her aunt) about the whole situation so now my MIL is constantly calling my husband telling him how I need to think about this and how I’m going a little too far with it.
Hello! I don’t want to be in the wedding!!!! When did that become such a crime??? I don’t want to pay the $$$ for the dress, shoes,etc. (money is a little tight right now) and quite frankly I’ll catch the next wedding because this is only the THIRD time in not quite 2 years she has planned a wedding to the same guy!!!
What do you think???
Post # 3
I’m just curious—why did you agree to be her bridesmaid in the first place?
Try being empathetic, now that you’ve dropped out, she’s lost half her wedding party. I’m trying not to be mean about this, but your post sounds really self-centered. Why not try being supportive of your friend and consider her feelings instead of assuming that the day is about you (because, fyi, it’s not). I say get over your insecure feelings about being the "third wheel", apologize to your friend, and instead ask to be in charge of the guest book.
Post # 4
Hmmmm…I’m not sure how this is going to come across, but please don’t take this personally…it is quite frankly just my opinion as an outsider looking in.
I feel if you did not want to be a BM’s to begin with, perhaps you should not have accepted it from the get go. It’s hard to validate all the expenses that come with being a BMs after the fact that you’ve already accepted. Not to say that you have written your life away as a BM, but that you were asked and you accepted.
Now about the whole dress shopping thing….while I agree she should have asked you prior to the excursion, perhaps there are reasons why she did not…for example, figured you may have been busy, or wanted to see what was available before asking your input on it once the pool of dresses have been narrowed down. But that’s just me being devil’s advocate and I’m sorry if I don’t have all the details of the story straight.
Ultimately, she can’t make you do what you don’t want…but as far as your reactions to the matter, I can’t say I agree with it 100%. Have you spoken to her about the things that appear to be bothering you? Maybe she’s totally not aware that you were feeling left out of the entire thing and may need to know. Just my honest opinion….
Post # 5
Thank you for your thoughts! I never really considered my actions as selfish, but now I can see how they are. The money issue wouldn’t bother me as much if we were close friends but for the past couple of years the only time she would call is when she needed something.
First of all, I guess me being a bridesmaid was implied because the question was "you are going to be in my wedding, right?". In my opinion, if I would have told her I didn’t want to be a bridesmaid 2 months ago when she asked, the same scenario would have happened, she would be "done with me".
Her reason for not asking me to go on the bridesmaid shopping excursion was because she didn’t think she would find anything. It would not have been a bid deal if she didn’t find anything and I went because it was only 25 mintues from my house. However, the planned bridesmaid dress outing was a good 2 hours away which was another reason her sister did not want to go.
Yes, she knew my feelings about everything and she explained that it was her sister that planned the trip and she had nothing to do with it.
Post # 6
Sounds like you are family…being your hubs cousin and all….
Now that she is being a BIT dramatic in your choice…I would call her…talk to her…tell her your concerns on the dress prices…smooth things over.
Just be in the wedding…it will probably make things easier in the long run! She does sounds a bit immature but just sux it up for this one time. I’m sure in the end you will end up having a good time!
Post # 7
Don’t you just hate things being implied…"yeah, so you’re gonna do it right?", uh sure I guess, do I have a choice?!
Well I think it was kind of a scenario where you could say no, but didn’t really think about saying no until after the fact, which happens to me quite frequently. But as a bride to be with a BM party, it’s hard to make everyone happy and sometimes you think you’re doing the right thing by not making the BM’s do things, when in reality they feel left out. So I guess my bottom line is, at the end of the day she may be upset with you, but she can’t make you do what you don’t want to do. I think that your reasons for bowing out are weak, but if that is what you choose to do, then perhaps you could offer to do something else for the wedding without being in the bridal party. This perhaps would make it easier for your husband who is undoubtedly hearing from all family members about your decision. So take some time to consider how this might affect the both of you and perhaps find some middle ground.
Best of luck, I know it’s a doozie!
Post # 8
I don’t quite understand what made you drop out from the wedding in the first place, having already agreed to be in it. As some of the previous posters said, if you had felt so much pressure due to $ then it may have been better for you to politely decline in the first place. For you to drop out after having already committed is a little flaky, IMHO, and I can understand why the bride is upset — not trying to mean, but I honestly think that if you agreed to something already, your responsibility is to stick to it.
If the $ thing is the main issue, the dress situation is irrelevant. Regarding it, though, I think when it comes to bridesmaids’ dresses, whatever the bride wants goes, and it is not the bridesmaid’s position to disagree or take things personally. It is your friend’s wedding, and while it may be nice if she considers everyone, invites them to go shopping and choose dresses, she is not really obligated to do those things. She could sit down and pick one online all by herself, and the bridesmaids should accept her choice. The only time I would think it would be appropriate to gently disagree with a bride’s picking a dress or methods in doing so, if it is ridiculously overpriced, even compared to other bm dresses, or something viable like that.
Post # 9
Ha! I wrote the above before I saw your second reply. If she never really "asked" you in the first place, then I guess you never had an opportunity to say no. Maybe this could be a basis of a converation to her to explain why you do not feel obligated to be in the wedding?
Post # 10
I’m sorry to hear this – seems like a pretty unfair situation. I had a BM that was just a total flake and I had to let her go because she was horrible about every little thing. Had she beem my FH cousin I would have bee a little ok with it – but she was my BFF – yeah…BFF!
O-well. I don’t blame you for not wanting to drop whords of cash on the wedding! Good for you for sticking up for yourself and dropping out ( I wish mine woulda done that so I didn’t have to give her the boot)
I gacve all my BM’s and "out clause" they can at anytime back out for finacial or other reasons, at their own expense. As dresses haven’t been bought yet, I figure it’s real nice to offer that – I don’t want them to go broke being in my wedding. I’d feel terrible.
Good for you! And don’t worry, she’ll get over it!
Post # 11
this is all too dramatic. I don’t think being short two bridesmaids is a big deal (yeah, its disappointing..but her wedding is not going to be ugly or ruined by any mean with the shortage). I know of someone with that same mentality..where if something didn’t go her way or changed unexpectly, she cut off all form of relationships with everyone involved..ie blocked and cut from myspace (your friend reminds me of her..ekk). Regardless though, you should at least clearly indicate your decision, perhaps she can help you pay for the dress if you really can’t afford it..and tell her how you want to help with her planning..etc (perhaps she was being considerate of your time). Like someone else say..suck it up and be there for her for this. I’m sure she and your family will appreciate your effort.
Post # 12
MissBlueBear: You are right (you said it better than i could have), I could have said no, but didn’t until after the fact. I have offered to throw her a bridal shower with the help of her family but she told me that if I wasn’t going to be in her wedding, she didn’t want me to throw her a shower or come to the wedding! So, I guess my next big dilemma is if I should go to the wedding.
Post # 13
Sept Wife – you simply cannot go to the wedding if she decides not to invite you. That would be a terribly rude thing to do, even if it is rude of the bride not to invite you over this. It would only make the situation worse to crash the wedding uninvited. I think this bride is being a little bit melodramatic about the whole situation, but I can understand why she was hurt by your decision to back out for the reasons Miss Blue Bear outlined. I think at this point if you would like to repair the relationship with her, (which, if she is family, would probably be a good idea), then your best shot at doing so would be to swallow your pride and tell her you’ve thought about it and you think you acted too hastily – you would like to be a bridesmaid after all if she is still open to that possibility. Then perhaps have a heart-to-heart talk with her about your feelings about the costs and concerns about being a third wheel. She obviously does not think you will be a third wheel or she wouldn’t be so intent to have you participate, so I don’t think it will be as awkward as you think.
Post # 14
Smartl, as always you’re advice is sage…um, not green…wise. Yeah, wise.
Post # 16
smartl: i would never go to the wedding uninvited, but I also think people say things out of anger such as "don’t come to the wedding". most likely she will not send out invitations but will have an engagement announcement in the paper saying "all family and friends are invited to attend" so there is my dilemma.