Post # 1
I’ve lurked for a while in my own planning, but want to get some advice regarding my cousin’s wedding.
My cousin asked me to be in her wedding party. We rarely even see each other (live across the country) so I was surprised and honored and accepted. A few weeks ago she sent us all an email requesting dress sizes and a link to the dress she selected.
So, here is the problem. I dress modestly and have for all of my life. It is an important part of my beliefs and lifestyle to dress modestly, and while my “rules” aren’t black and white I have a sensibility of what I find appropriate and unfortunately, this dress does not fit it and I could not in good conscience wear it.
I called my cousin to congratulate her on finding the dress and express my continued support for being in the party but explained my dilema. She said she had never thought of it but laughed that she had never seen me in anything revealing now that she thought about it. We laughed and I felt like she understood. I told her Id be happy to find another dress on Jcrew, and since shes ordering black it would hopefully fit right in. She agreed, and I promptly found this dress. I emailed it to her and told her Id be happy to pay the difference in price. (She’s purchasing the dresses).
I didn’t hear anything for a few days, then she called me and said she was sorry but she thought it over and she really didn’t want her party to look disjointed and she needed me to wear the original dress. I was taken aback but knew firmly that I could not wear it. I calmly said that I was sorry but I really was not willing to do that. We had a very long akward silence so I finally said Im sorry I guess I cant be in your party, but if there is something else I can do on your day to help out Im happy to. She said ok, Ill let you know and we hung up.
She emailed later and asked if I can hand out programs to which I agreed. I thought we were all set, then my Aunt called and demanded that I be in the party and said it was ridiculous and that I insulted my cousin’s sweet gesture of asking me to be in it when “she didn’t have to”. I told her we had already worked it out and that there didn’t need to be any drama about this. She then emailed my father, he called me, etc. etc. This is getting long so I will close here. Im not questioning my decision, but Im wondering, why is it so important to some brides to have this uniformity among their party. Is it that important that people are asked to go against their beliefs and comfort? Im not having bridesmaids in my ceremony so this is just something I dont understand. It seems very short sighted. Thoughts are welcome.
Post # 3
Can’t really help since I had all mine wear different dresses. I did have to veto a dress because it was backless so it’s not reational but if a bride wants a certain “look” they got to have it cuz that’s how we pictured it.
I can see if you’re cousin was upset since it makes you stand out and if you’re not the Maid/Matron of Honor it may be a problem. I wonder if she will let you wear a black jacket or boloreo with the dress she picked out? that way it’s still somewhat the same look but you would be covered.
Post # 4
I can understand uniformity but if one of my Bridesmaid or Best Man didn’t want to wear a dress we’d find something everyone was comfortable with!
Your dress is much nicer, the one your cuz wants is WAY too short and will not look good on most.
Sorry you’re dealing with this but it seams that cuz’s mom does not know the whole story. You should call her and talk to her.
Post # 5
You should have said to your aunt “Well if she just asked me to be nice then I guess this is working out for the best!” That first Jcrew dress is pretty revealing and I can understand why you might feel uncomfortable. If you really can’t wear it for the day and she’s not willing to make any changes for you then I think you’ve worked out the best deal. Everyone else should just butt out.
Post # 6
First of all, I don’t think you should go against your beliefs or comfort. It sounds like being modest is something you have stuck to for your whole life, you shouldn’t have to change it on behalf of someone else. It sounds like you and your cousin have come to an understanding so I would ignore everyone else who is trying to create more drama. Just tell them you both have reached an agreement and you are still excited to be taking part in your cousin’s wedding.
I understand that some brides want uniformity but I love the looks when the bridesmaids are in different dresses. If you change your mind to be in her party, would she let you wear a sweater over the dress or use that dress but make alterations so that you are comfortable? This option could end up being costly but I know people on here can get very creative and help you with suggestions as to what to wear over the dress.
Stick to your gut, you have to do what’s best for you. Good luck!
Post # 7
- Wedding: October 2011 - Tre Bella, Mesa, AZ
Hm… Maybe she is more hurt than she let on during your phone call. It sounds like she is being a bit passive aggressive since she’s upset. However, I’m not sure she realizes she’s damaging your relationship by her actions now.
I was in a wedding where the other Bridesmaid or Best Man made a shawl out of the dress material to make her dress appropriate for her style (it was originally strapless). As a bride-to-be, I think if I really wanted someone in my wedding with that requirement, I’d just go for mismatching them all, but I can honestly understand requesting someone wear what I want regardless. If they then backed out, I’d be totally ok, but some people take things like that more emotionally (I’m more of a thinker than a feeler, and your cousin might be more of a feeler; does that make sense?).
I would honestly just give her a call and talk again about how she feels if you want to put her at ease. It seems like it’s her problem at this point and she is badmouthing your decision and needlessly involving other family members.
Post # 8
haha i agree, the dress you picked out is actually much prettier. sounds like your cousin was acting like she understood to your face, then spinning a different story to her parents. i feel the same way that some of the PPs do- my girls will be in different dresses. I am planning on picking out a bunch and having them choose ones they feel most comfy in/would suit them the best. sorry your cousin couldn’t be more understanding.
Post # 9
you did what was best for you. if she won’t let you wear a dress you’re comfortable with, or won’t let you cover up that dress with a sweater or pashmina, her priorities are out of whack.
Post # 10
That sucks. Fortunately I’m only having one attendant so uniformity isn’t an issue, but I can see how a bride would want it. If it were me, I’d just find one dress everyone could be comfortable in (honestly, that’s not a very flattering dress unless all of her BM’s have bangin’ bodies) so it’s not an issue.
On the other hand, when you agree to be a bridesmaid, you pretty much agree to wear whatever the bride puts you in. We all hope the bride will be empathetic to all of her bridesmaid’s tastes and comfort levels, but sometimes you’ve just got to give up a day of comfort in order to participate in someone’s wedding. That’s what you do for friends and family.
Could you guys maybe compromise? Would she be okay with you wearing a wrap with the dress or something?
Post # 11
Total sidenote, but what if you compromised on the same material? http://www.jcrew.com/wedding/Wedding_Bridesmaid/dresses/cottonsilkfaille/PRDOVR~30070/30070.jsp ’ defer=’defer; This is the same material, and the dress is really not revealing (just doesn’t look so awesome on the model). My Future Sister-In-Law is wearing this one (so I’ve seen it on people). How many bridesmaids is she having? Would one really throw it off? I personally love the look of different dresses – but, as someone else said, I’m biased since my girls are wearing different dresses from J Crew but in the same color.
Post # 12
I would never ask a bridesmaid to wear something she wasn’t comfortable with. I kind of equate that with the brides who freak out about their bridesmaids’ hair colour or tattoos.
That said, she has stated that she’s not willing to compromise on a different style, and since she’s footing the bill for the dresses there’s not really much leverage for you.
I’m not exactly sure why your aunt is taking it as a personal slight to your cousin that you won’t wear something you’re not comfortable in, especially since, as you said, you’re not all that close to her and were surprised to be asked to be a bridesmaid in the first place. But it sounds like you’ve handled things very well so far, and I would just keep being diplomatic about it if your aunt keeps bringing it up.
Post # 13
I seems like the problem here is the Aunt, unless you know for sure that your cousin told your aunt a different story than what actually happened.
Post # 14
I understand her desire for uniformity. I see absolutely nothing wrong since it is her wedding and her wish. However, I also see nothing wrong with you declining because it is outside of your comfort zone. It is as much your prerogative as is hers to make your independent points of view clear.
Why families need to complicate things that could be easily simplified, I have no idea!!!
Kudos to both of you!
Post # 15
Thanks for the feedback. I think someone upthread might have hit the nail on the head, she asked me to be polite or because she was told to do so in the first place so maybe she wasn’t invested in having me in the party to begin with. There are now 7 in her party. As for the other suggested Jcrew dress, its too low cut for me. I didnt think asking to wear a wrap with the orginal dress would be quite enough coverage, as it seems very short and I am 5’8 and basically all leg.If we could sew two dress together and add some sleeves that might work 🙂
I’m surprised at how much this is bothering me. I guess I just dont want to be associated with any kind of drama in the family and I never have. I also feel a bit disrespected about an important personal belief. I thought our family was more understanding than that. While I don’t go around yelling about my modesty, I would think they could understand and accept. She and I are very different so perhaps that is also at the root of the disagreement, she is more glam and I am more natural. She is also 4 years younger (29, 33) and more “cool” so this look I guess, is more important to her than it is for me. Again, Im not having a wedding party so my thought process is probably different than hers and her family.
Post # 16
As a bride, it is not important t me that my bridesmaids look the same. All 6 of my bridesmaids are picking their own gowns (same color), because I want them to be comfortable in what they are wearing.
Good job for sticking to your guns.