Drowning in assumptions and guilt trips…help!

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
42538 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

MsMM:  You can’t control what other people do or say, but you can make a conscious decision to not react to what they do and say. Letting these things  cause you to develop serious stress side effects  is an inappropriate reaction on your part.

Some people say and do because they are excited;some because they truly belive they know more than you; some want to guilt you into inviting them. You are entitled to ignore all of them.

Your reaction needs to be reasoned and controlled:

I’m glad you’re excited but we have already decided what we are doing.

Thanks for the input. We will take it into consideration when we make our decision.

There must have been some misunderstanding. We are having  small wedding and it is not possible to add to the guest list.

 

Picture yourself wearing a white veil that covers you from the top of your head to the tips of your toes. Nothing can penetrate the veil.

Post # 3
Member
1236 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA

First of all, congratulations on your engagement! I’m sure your wedding will be awesome.

 

This one is tricky. If you try to control too much, you will become the dreaded bridezilla; too little, and you’re a doormat. I think you and your fiance need to sit down and determine what your most important items are … food, flowers, band, whatever. You will NOT relinquish control of those. The rest, if your mom wants to plan, pick your battles carefully (will it kill you if she does the aisle runners and chair bows, or something like that? Just as an example.)

 

Honestly, I think a lot of it is just people being excited and it will die down once they see how much work it REALLY is! If people actually start planning things on your behalf, then you can talk to them. I empathize, though; I feel like my own plans have started spiraling out of control in some areas, and FI + I are rushing to make compromises … but as long as we present a united front to our families, it’s that much easier. Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

You totally don’t sound like a bridezilla or ungrateful. Bridezillas are people who demand their bridesmaids lose 20 pounds or are people who cry when no one bought the $500 vitamix they put on their registry. That’s not you.

Your concerns sound perfectly reasonable and I know the frustration! I realized early on that the wedding isn’t really about me and my FI; it’s about everyone else we know. But there’s something about having all our friends and family there that we need. And to some extent, I get that. If it was really, truly just about us, we’d elope to Italy. But, in your case, it doesn’t sound like anyone is imposing on you out of malice. It sounds like everyone is just genuinely excited for you and wants to be involved.

I think you’re going to have to set diplomatic boundaries. Decide what is important to you. My brother is in the wedding party, but he’ll most likely stand on my side. Is your brother comfortable with that? Your cousin can be an usher. There’s also a lot of power in saying “We’ll think about that!” and then just ignoring it. Really, if someone is going to be upset because the groomsmen weren’t in their preferred tuxedo silhouette, that’s on them. Not you. I really hope it gets easier!

Post # 5
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I don’t agree that a wedding should be all about the guests. After all, a wedding is the couple’s special day and should be treated as such. 

We eloped to get away from overbearing family who didn’t care what we wanted. 

If you are the one paying for the wedding, you get to call the shots. End of story. You can’t please everyone. 

Post # 8
Member
1236 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA

MsMM:  OH. MY. GOD.

 

I … I don’t even know what to say; and I thought I had it bad because my FMIL had organized a religious ceremony without consulting us and my mother had started making lists of unique wedding cake flavors and local bakeries.

 

As you take deep breaths and try to rise above, remember the bees are pulling for ya!

Post # 11
Member
1236 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA

MsMM:  [T]hese frustrations will pass and have nothing to do with the integrity of my impending marriage, just the wedding itself.

<div style=”overflow: hidden; color: #000000; background-color: #ffffff; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;”><br />I wish I could put this on a button and give it to every Bee, then stick one directly to my own forehead to see every time I look in the mirror. It’s still a marriage, even if it rains, even if your bridesmaid’s dress looks all wrong, and even if your FMIL wears a black dress and hat specifically to mourn her shaved-from-140-to-45 personal guest list.</div>

Post # 14
Member
1236 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA

MsMM:  I guess there’s always a choice. We could elope, or we could do our own thing and put up with it if she boycotts. But he’s the baby AND only boy, so he’s been left feeling a lot of pressure to keep her family’s “heritage” alive, even if neither he nor I are regular churchgoers by any stretch. We agreed to do a church (but not full Mass with communion and everything) wedding if she agreed to drop every other issue she wanted to press – the enormous guest list, the calling my parents to tell them they’re “cheap” for not permitting said guest list (they’ve very wonderfully offered to pay for the reception), never bringing up the fact that I’m keeping my last name again, and a few other things. We’re both Libras, so opinionated though we may be, we are sometimes drawn to practicing appeasement anyway lol. But it took a long discussion to get there, and he said he’d pull the plug in a heartbeat if I just felt too uncomfortable (he was raised Catholic, I was not). It’s a compromise. Things get very tricky when one set of families is paying for one thing, another for another, and the couple for a third …

 

Your FI sounds like he has a sense of humor; I like him already 🙂

Post # 15
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

MsMM:  

I didn’t get married in Italy. We eloped to a resort in Northern Ontario.

Our elopement did not go well for a variety of reasons. The aftermath with my family was particularly harsh.

We are renewing our vows next year. This time my family will be present, but we are paying so we have full control. My mother is wisely butting out this time. 

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