Post # 1
I know that my question encompasses this entire Waiting board, but I’m really in need of some concrete tips. My guy and I have been talking about getting engaged since the end of September, but we have a lot on our plates right now (cross-state move, him starting a new demanding job, me looking for one, etc.). With all this stuff going on, he wants to revisit the idea of engagement sometime next year. The logical side of me is in no rush and wants to respect his wishes, but the other side of me… Bees, she will not shut up. I can’t exactly put my finger on why I keep asking him about it, but I have to stop. We actually got in a pretty sizable fight yesterday because I was asking about it, and he said it’s leaving a bad taste in his mouth making him less inclined to want to talk about it.
We have tried agreeing on a specific time in a few months to revisit it, but that didn’t seem to work. I also suggested that I “reward” myself with something (pedicure, a new item of clothing, a day sitting around doing nothing, etc.) every week/2 weeks/month that I don’t bring it up, but that seems like it’s going to get expensive haha.
Does anyone have any practical tips I can implement to move past this engagement-crazy part of my brain? They’d be much appreciated!
Post # 3
@keylimepie: I can relate. In my case, it’s more ring talk. I am obsessed.
I’ve started to get better at shutting up. I hate when he shuts me down, and I don’t like it when he’s mad at me. I actually use this site to help me out… I can get my ring porn fix without badgering him about it.
Just picture his face and that exasperated look/sigh he gets when you bring it up. You want him to be excited when it comes to getting engaged, and each time you mention something it makes him less excited. Also try to picture how the conversation will go. It won’t go anywhere, right? It’ll just end in him being a bit ticked off. Wrecks the mood for the next few hours.
You could try joining the shut-it-up pact on here as well.
Post # 4
@keylimepie: i would suggest thinking about the big picture. you want him to have space so he can figure out a nice way to propose and also so he can have time to have his own dreams about marriage with you. that’s probably not going to happen if you’re talking about it all the time. Pretend he’s writing a book. He does not need your opinions to write his own story. In fact that will only hamper him. If he wants your opinion, he will ask. You’re in a really good place because you know you’re on the same page, now you just have to get out of your own way.
ETA: I love key lime pie as well 🙂
Post # 5
i understand how you feel. i know 100% it’s not happening this holiday season even though he told a close friend of mine 2 months ago that he was “ready to do it”.
I’m crushed, depressed about still waiting and other things (work, family illness) – and i know it doesn’t work that way because they only do it when you’re happy and don’t bring it up – but I really could have used something really nice to happen this holiday season.
oh well. hang in there – i’m trying to stay up but my SO get’s very annoyed and tells me he feels pressured when i bring up ANYTHING regarding rings etc.
I’m so jealous of all the bees that know rings are being looked at purchased, etc – or at least he’s asked for your size!
I feel 10000 miles away from a proposal.
Post # 6
I don’t know, I never really thought about a proposal before it happened. I mean, we had looked at rings early in our relationship, but I left it at that. I never pressured him, asked about it, anything like that. He just did it when the time felt right and I think that just made it more special. I would just try to keep your mind busy for now!
Post # 7
@roweboat: yeah unfortunately we’re older – mid 30’s and it’s been 2 years. Also I just moved in with him (after him asking me to for 9 months) a few months ago on the condition that we would be engaged very soon after. I feel betrayed – that’s the real issue. I had this experience years ago that ended badly and scarreed me – I was with someone 4 years that just dragged me on and then left – and he KNOWS this – which is why i was so gunshy about living together. And for it not to happend after I made that so clear really makes me upset.
I know I can’t talk about it anymore and need to be happy with his family abroad for the holidays – but again we met and fell in love so quickly that I feel like it SHOULD have happened a long time ago — I really envy all of you that were surprised and had it happen before you could even start to care.
We went away this past may for my birthday to the islands and i didn’t even THINK about it once! I can’t believe what a difference 8 months makes.
Post # 8
@angthrice: We were together 2 years before he asked, but I still never asked about it. I would definitely let him know that you are feeling like he has betrayed you. I can see how you would be worried about it, with what happened with your ex. I actually had an ex that I was with 4 years and he was just leading me on, too. But I think it may happen sooner than you expect! I just know that it probably won’t help if you two keep fighting about it. But at the same time, I would reiterate the point that you told him before you moved in, that it was important to you for the engagement to happen soon after.
Post # 9
suddenly, I realized that I am not ready! Yikes! I want to have pretty nails before everyone starts looking- so now I am trying to quit biting them. Also, I want to get my body as in-shape as I can before people start taking pictures of me. So, time to get on that!!
Post # 10
- Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island
Just watch a lot of wedding shows and dream about the event itself rather than when it will happen. There’s nothing wrong with looking forward to marrying the man you love. But if you pester him about when he’s going to propose, it’s going to take the fun out of it for both of you.
Post # 11
@ciel: DITTO! I think if it does happen for me, it won’t be until spring. so starting next month Im getting in shape. start taking better care of my hair, and buy me some cute clothes. just focusing on me in 2013.
Post # 12
@Mz_HyProfyl: I’m planning on doing the same thing! I don’t think a proposal is on SO’s radar at all & we’re moving for my job…so I’ll have some more free time only having to work one job now (yay!) so I can focus on getting into better shape and hopefully not mentioning engagement/ring/when are we getting married. ha!
Post # 13
@keylimepie: how long have the 2 of you been dating?If it has been longer then 2 years then in my personal opionion that is long enough. Although he may get a “bad taste” in his mouth, if he is really in love with you then don’t worry about the bad taste. A good man isn’t going to run away just because someone is putting some fire under him to take the next step. In my opionion, if it was just up to the guy, they would drag on the dating relationship a little too long…guys do not think about these things. They don’t understand the longing women have to get to the next step. The only issue with the process being draged out by the guy, is that girls go along with it…that is why there are people in 10+ year relationships (although there could be reasons for this…ie. young age..)..and I feel like the average relationship before marrage is just going to keep getting looonnggger and loooooooonnnnnnnggggggggerrrrr.
So my advice is, if you are confident in his love and know a little probing isn’t going to push him away then I would sit him down and explain to him why you want to be married. If you are afraid he might pick up and leave with a conversation (no nagging…just a talk is needed) then maybe a re-evaluation of the relationship is needed. Marrage will bring much more disagreement about life choices and if something as little as this is going to push him away, then the bigger things will make him run…and you don’t deserve that. Besides you guys already took a step and moved in…why not just go 100% and get married…makes sense to me!
Post # 14
I managed to keep my mouth shut for probably the first 6 months or so after we talked seriously about getting married. I figured it was coming soon and it was something to look forward to so I was able to not talk about it. But once we passed that 6 month mark with no progress, I really started to get obsessed and couldn’t stop talking about it.
As long as you know it’s coming, just try to focus on other things. Think about how great it’ll be when it happens and how much of a surprise it will be to other people if you haven’t been talking about it constantly. You don’t want people (or your guy!) to be sick of it before it even happens!
Post # 15
@angthrice: I would sit your SO down and tell him how you feel betrayed and lied to.
Then I would (here’s a big one, just my opionion…but it IS what I would do) set a timeframe for him..3-9 months or 6 months…whatever is fair for both of you and say if he doesn’t keep his promise to you, you would probably need to move out again. See what he does. It may sound like munipulation on your behalf…but it’s not. I call it standing up for yourself. You see he thinks that you moved in, that you are not moving out (way at the back of his mind…I am sure he is a very sweet guy) if his promise is not kept up in the timing you were expecting. You need to stand on YOUR word. That means if there is no ring within a reasonable amount of time (like he promised) then I guess you are free to move out. That doesn’t mean the relationship needs to end, but you want to tread carefully and not let what happened last time happen this time.
Post # 16
I wish I could help… I’m falling apart right now, looking into every little word and action so I’m of no help to you. Good question though! Definitely not a dumb one.