Dumb questions about canceling my wedding

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
4760 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

So sorry about your situation.  Your questions are trival though and I’ll be happy to answer them so you can concentrate on the bigger issue.

-Has anyone who has had a serious breakup/canceled a wedding found themselves fixating on dumb practical details like how hard it will be to move his stuff out and which dishes are yours etc?

Yes.

-Some people gave us engagement gifts, do I give them back? Is it helpful to give my aunt back a now-used toaster? Etc

I’d think if it came from his side of the family he keeps it, if yours you keep it.

-I really don’t want to tell people I know/intrusive relatives/etc the details of my relationship. Are people going to pry? How much do I need to tell them?

Depends how nosy the people around you are.  When I broke up with ex Fi I was suprived how NO ONE asked anything.

-Will I ever stop seeing advertisements on facebook etc for wedding stuff?

No, get Adblock

-Will my vendors hate me? They are all really nice and I feel terrible about canceling on them. Wedding was supposed to me 8 months from now, can they book new clients for my date?

No, they get your deposits = free money for them woo whoo

-If I ever get engaged again, should I have the same girls as BMs? They haven’t spent any money on my wedding– we haven’t gotten BM dresses yet or anything. Would they be offended to not be asked, or like irritated to be asked twice?

If you are still close to the girls and they support you, why not?

-Does it even make sense to ever plan a wedding again?

yes

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  Atalanta.
Post # 3
Member
721 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. While I can’t relate, I saw you made mention that the wedding is 8 months away. So, as far as your vendors go, they’ll be ok. As will the bridal party, etc. 

Also, I’ve got to say, you must be a saint of a person and amazing friend if while going through this extremely difficult time you’re thinking of others. 

Sending you lots of hugs over the Internet. Sorry I don’t have any words of wisdom for you. 

Post # 5
Member
191 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

I’m sure the vendors can find another couple, some probably even have others on cancellation lists. 

I am amazed that you are thinking of others at this time, people like your vendors and your Aunts ownership over a toaster. It might be difficult considering you ate obviously a caring person, but try and think about yourself from a while. You are going through a pretty rough time and you need to focus on yourself. 

I can’t answer the others,but I may be able to make you laugh with the dishes ownership and say’ whoever washed them more’

 

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  sandy85.
Post # 6
Member
1424 posts
Bumble bee

I’m so sorry 🙁  You should probably start looking at the vendor contracts regarding if you get back any deposits at 8 months out and when you need to cancel to avoid owing them more money. 

Regarding the bridesmaids I think if they are your closest friends they will understand and would still want to stand up for you in the future if you’re close at that time. 

I wouldn’t worry about engagement gifts too much.  Unless its like some heirloom of someones or something really expensive I wouldn’t really even offer to give it back.

Post # 7
Member
192 posts
Blushing bee

I have never canceled a wedding, but I did break up with a long-term boyfriend when we lived together so I can answer the question about his stuff/your stuff

I was very concerned with how the breakup would go since our stuff was all co-mingled and splitting it seemed painful. It got to the point where I finally realized that stuff was stuff and it would work itself out and I couldn’t stay with someone forever just because I wasn’t sure whose books were whose.

 

I agree that its easier for your brain to worry about little details that – in the long run – don’t matter than it is to really sit down and decide things about your relationship.

Post # 9
Member
192 posts
Blushing bee

I took the stuff that was definitely mine, then left the rest.. even a few things that I felt I had paid half for (plus I had been paying for more of our living expenses as well). However, I was taking the cat so I didn’t want to create any issues over a lamp or chair.  I regret taking my share of the record collection, but only because I don’t have a record player so it seems like a waste. For the rest of the stuff I only felt bad when I was worrying about splitting it. Once I had moved out it didn’t make me sad to see it.

Post # 10
Member
3624 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

heartbreakbee:  I haven’t been in your shoes, but I feel for you. It is a hard decision, but often the right decision. In answers to your questions:

 

-Has anyone who has had a serious breakup/canceled a wedding found themselves fixating on dumb practical details like how hard it will be to move his stuff out and which dishes are yours etc?  Absolutely! When my friend broke off her engagement, that is all that she worried about. I would suggest baby steps– find an apartment, cancel the wedding, move out. In the end, lists and a good friend do wonders. There are lots of logisitics, but I have moved a boyfriend out in 1 hour before. It can be done when you need to burn bridges. When DH’s best friend’s girlfriend moved out, he came to our house for a few hours and then they went out. She got all of her stuff out in an afternoon/evening. It is a pain, but very possible.

-Some people gave us engagement gifts, do I give them back? Is it helpful to give my aunt back a now-used toaster? Etc I wouldn’t. You can offer, but they won’t want them back. Trust me.

-I really don’t want to tell people I know/intrusive relatives/etc the details of my relationship. Are people going to pry? How much do I need to tell them? What I would say is “X and I made the right decision for us. It is painful and we came to terms that a life together is not what either of us envisioned. We would rather make the call now than deal with a divorce.

-Will I ever stop seeing advertisements on facebook etc for wedding stuff? Yes. As soon as you set your status to single and stay off weddingbee (Weddingbee has lots of cookies)

-Will my vendors hate me? They are all really nice and I feel terrible about canceling on them. Wedding was supposed to me 8 months from now, can they book new clients for my date? No.They will be happy that you made the right decision. You are not the first bride to call of their wedding and I am sure they will find other work. But it is the right move

-If I ever get engaged again, should I have the same girls as BMs? They haven’t spent any money on my wedding– we haven’t gotten BM dresses yet or anything. Would they be offended to not be asked, or like irritated to be asked twice?: You should ask whoever you are closest to at the time of your wedding. It may be the same people and it may be other people. They would not be offended if they are not asked again.

-Does it even make sense to ever plan a wedding again?: Absolutely! When the time is right. But also make sure it is the wedding you want to the person you want. Don’t rush for the sake of having another wedding

 

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Post # 11
Member
2621 posts
Sugar bee

I cancelled a wedding 5 months from the marriage date (best decision, believe me).  We lost the deposit on the wedding venue, the cost of the already-printed invitations and the cost of the material I’d bought for the dressmaker to make my dream dress ( she actually bought some of the satin so that was good).  It hurt financially and emotionally at the time but I think a divorce would have been inevitable if we’d proceeded and that would have taken a greater toll.  The whole thing was awkward and I got sick of people telling me that all couples have conflict as a wedding approaches and to get over it.  Go with your gut instinct and to hell with the money.

Post # 12
Member
1939 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I am so sorry to hear you’re having to go through this- it definitely isn’t fun. I’m sending best wishes your way and I hope you find the happiness you deserve! I ended an engagement and cancelled the wedding about a year ago, so I feel for you. Just know life gets better. Since then, I met and am now engaged to the right person for me. That will happen for you! Until it does, focus on doing things for you- things you didn’t or couldn’t do in your relationship. I added a minor to my studies, which caused me to stay another year at university. My ex had never approved of me adding a minor because he hated the subject, but when I broke up with him, I GOT TO! And I love my classes!

-Has anyone who has had a serious breakup/canceled a wedding found themselves fixating on dumb practical details like how hard it will be to move his stuff out and which dishes are yours etc?

Focusing on the trivial things is totally normal- I did the exact same thing. I had DIY’d these really neat invitations- had spent over an hour on EACH invitation. When I was debating ending things, I could NOT get those invitations out of my head. What was I going to do with them? Would my dad, who helped me make them, be mad I wasn’t going to use them? etc. 

 

-Some people gave us engagement gifts, do I give them back? Is it helpful to give my aunt back a now-used toaster? Etc

Like PP said, you can offer, but I found with mine that nobody really even let me finish my offer to give something back. 

-I really don’t want to tell people I know/intrusive relatives/etc the details of my relationship. Are people going to pry? How much do I need to tell them?

I was SO surprised people didn’t pry. Okay, that’s not true. Nobody who loved me and I was even semi-close to pried at all. They let me tell them what I wanted to tell them and didn’t press the issue. However, when my relationship status changed on Facebook, I found that all these randos I hadn’t talked to for YEARS were coming out of the woodwork wanting details. Fortunately, those are the easiest to ignore, and not one person got a reply!

-Will I ever stop seeing advertisements on facebook etc for wedding stuff?

Yes, it’s based on your FB activity. When you’re listed as “engaged”, it shows you a bunch of engagement ads. Mine disappeared instantly.

-Will my vendors hate me? They are all really nice and I feel terrible about canceling on them. Wedding was supposed to me 8 months from now, can they book new clients for my date?

They won’t hate you!!! Nobody gave me a hard time cancelling anything. They all just wished me the best, and I cancelled mine right about the same time as yours- 8ish months out. 

-If I ever get engaged again, should I have the same girls as BMs? They haven’t spent any money on my wedding– we haven’t gotten BM dresses yet or anything. Would they be offended to not be asked, or like irritated to be asked twice?

I happened to meet the love of my life within a month of ending my engagement. We got engaged in April and I asked all but one of the same BMs (one I hadn’t really wanted to ask but had felt pressured to, so this do-over gave me a chance to pick someone I really wanted!) They were all THRILLED! They’re your bridesmaids because they love you and are there for you- they want you to be happy! Don’t feel weird! I felt the littlest bit awkward when I re-asked the first one because of how quickly everything had progressed for me, but when I saw that she was OVERJOYED I instantly felt SOOO much better and had no hesitation asking anyone! 

-Does it even make sense to ever plan a wedding again?

Right now, it doesn’t seem like it will ever make sense again. I know. I’ve been there. But life is funny, and likes to throw curveballs. One day, you WILL meet the love of your life and all of the sudden, wedding planning will make sense!! In fact, it will make even MORE sense than it did this time, because you’ll be with the right person. I’ve had so much more fun, gotten so much more into the planning and excited about it, and my FI has gotten so involved because we are right for each other!! Don’t worry about the future- rest assured that everything will work itself out and you’ll find someone who makes you as happy as you deserve!

Post # 13
Member
85 posts
Worker bee

I’m hugging you right now girl.  It sounds like you’re going through a lot, and I KNOW that focusing on the little stuff actually does make more sense right now.  Everyone seems to have answered your questions already, so I just hope the best for you.

Post # 14
Member
76 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

First, I am very sorry you’re going through this – I know this isn’t easy and I know you’re hurting right now. I am so sorry.

 

I cancelled a wedding 10 days before it was to take place. Believe me, you have plenty of time to get things sorted out. 

Let your vendors know. You’ll lose the deposit, but it will be helpful for them to know as soon as possible so they can hopefully rebook that slot.

Traditionally, you are supposed to give gifts back to those that gave them to you. If you have used them, however, you shouldn’t return them. I had a lot of friends and family that told me to keep the gifts, but some accepted them back. 

 

I actually deactivated my Facebook profile for a few months after cancelling because I was going through a lot emotionally and just couldn’t handle it. I don’t know much about the ads and how to get rid of them. I do know that if you’re listed as “single” or have no relationship status, the ads change. Also, it is based off of what you’re searching for online, so just google “break-up” and “how to get back out there” and “single life” and the ads will change.

I know you feel a ton of weird emotions right now and I’m sorry you’re having to go through that. What I can say is that one day, you won’t feel so crazy about it. Someone will make you happier than you’ve ever been and you can plan another wedding, but no need to worry about that now. I wouldn’t worry about what your bridesmaids are thinking. They won’t mind if they’re not in it the next time around. You don’t know where all of you will end up! 

People may pry, but remember that you don’t have to tell anyone anything you don’t want to. If you want to keep it private, you can simply say “I’m not comfortable discussing it at this time, but I’m doing okay” and people should drop the subject. 

 

I had little postcards sent to all those that were invited that simply said “The wedding of [me] and [him] on [date] will not take place. Thank you” and that was all that was needed. It was perfect for me, because everything was done at one time and I didn’t have to make phone calls or send emails, etc. while I was hurting.

 

Surprisingly, even though I had planned the thing over an entire year, the whole shebang was cancelled in 8 hours. 

 

Good luck, and remember that everything will be alright.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  va-in-ny.
  • This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  va-in-ny.
Post # 15
Member
884 posts
Busy bee

I called off a wedding, but we hadn’t planned to much…

people were good. I kept my ring, sold our decorations and realized that $ and stuff were no reason to stay. I did ask my MOH after I got engaged, and she’s my MOH this time too (6 years later) but I don’t believe you have too. Circumstances change so you may or may not still be close to them. No firm obligations To invite them again. I wouldn’t return engagement gifts unless someone ask. I never actually got an engagement gift so none to return! 

I also lso agree with PP that cancelling FB or other social media was good while healing. My ex fiancé (and the father to my oldest child) ended up with a 19 year old girlfriend a week after we broke up……I didn’t need to see that all over my FB. 

 

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