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Hi everyone,
As requested, here is an update. So after all that was said to me by you guys and my coworker, I decided to make an unrestricted report. In the military world this is the same as filing a police report. What happens is a case is opened, and the victim and offender both have a chance to tell "their side" and then it goes to a review board (like a jury but military) and they decide whether he's guilty or not. I told my side from start to finish yesterday. I didn't warn him because I didn't want him to get angry with me, so although it was chicken of me, I waited till he was at work and played dumb while his command told him a report had been filed. His command then issued a Military Protective Order that says he cannot have any contact with me for 30 days and can't come within 500 feet of our house or me. Although this kills me, it will be for the best. He has moved back into the barracks as well. He had his appointment today and told the full story from his point of view. It will then go to the review board and he will get personal counseling, alcohol related counseling, and will go to a 14 week Domestic Violence class. It's like AA for offenders; there will be 10+ other men who have done the same thing and can realize together that what they did was unacceptable.
As of now, he hates me. But that's okay, because he needed help and will now be able to get it. I'm having a really hard time because I now have to live alone for 30 days and go without contacting him, and also because it's hard to talk to people about it. I feel so alone. He says he feels betrayed because I didn't warn him, and because he meant what he said when he said it wouldn't happen again. I keep reminding him that if he hadn't layed a hand on me, I wouldn't have had any reason to "betray" him. He wants nothing to do with me right now. Once this is all said and done I sincerely hope we can salvage our marriage and he will come out a better man.
So that's it. I'm safe, he can't contact or see me, and will get the help he needs. Sorry this is all over the place, I'm a mess.
You did not play chicken by waiting until you were away from him for him to find out a report was filed, that was the safest thing you could have done!
Thank you for the update and I am very proud of you for doing this. Stay strong. It's so great to finally read an update from a Bee that took initiative and removed herself from the situation!
I have a lot of respect for you for doing such a brave thing, and most importantly, the right thing. You were absolutely right when you said you wouldn't have had to do this in the first place if he'd never laid a hand on you. Just know that you have a lot of support here, a lot of prayers for you, and a place to vent to. Best of luck to you in this process - you are obviously a very strong soul.
You did the right thing. My guess is he'll play nice for awhile and he'll resort back to old habits. I don't trust that this will improve his character one bit.
I agree with Soyjoy. I'm so proud of you and so happy you're taking action to protect yourself. I'm sending you lots of love and happy thoughts, stay safe. ((hugs))
What Soyjoy said. All of it. I am so proud of you!!! If you do need someone to talk to, the bees are here, or you can PM me. I know it's hard. Been there done that. But it will get better! Love to you dear!
I am glad to hear you made the right choice.
My only other word of advice is find another place to live for 30 days. He is mad. He knows where you live. He has access to a gun.
You did the right thing. He should not in *any* way be mad at you, he should be mad at himself. Wishing all the best for you.
I know this is hard - sending supporting vibes your way. Don't be afraid to reach out to a friend or family member for support. It might feel impossible, but I'm sure they would want to be there for you.
I also wanted to chime in and say how proud of you I am! And you certainly did not do anything cowardly...you were making sure you were safe. I know that you're hoping to salvage your marriage after this, but please be sure that you have a plan B in case he comes out of this counseling and nothing has changed.
Best update I've seen. I am so glad that you stuck to your guns. Dont let him guilt trip you. If he goes through the necessary training and steps, he will come back knowing that he cant just apologize this away.
Thank you for the support. It helps to hear that I did the right thing. He's had a few chances to text me because he was on his way back from the appointment, and every single text was hatemail. That I betrayed him by tattling and then sitting and waiting while he got in trouble. That he'll never be the same towards me because I betrayed our marriage by telling his command and not even having the decency to tell him first. He tries to say that if I would've sat him down more sternly, he would've gotten counseling.
I know I did the right thing, or at least I try to remind myself I did. He betrayed our marriage by hurting me, not me. I would've had no reason to betray him if he hadn't abused me. He refused counseling, so he wouldn't have done it no matter what he says. I did the right thing.
... Can you tell I'm trying to convice myself? This sucks. I've cried like 50 times in the last week. I just hope when this is all over it'll just be a bad memorry and we can move on and be happy.
I am so glad you posted an update!! And I'm so glad (and proud) that you did the right thing and filed a report.
I just hope that this time apart will make you realize that you are stronger than you thought and that you don't need him bringing you down. Try to go out with friends and get your mind off of that loser. He's only mad at you because you stood up for yourself. Just be careful and don't let him back into your life too quickly or easily... He needs to earn your trust again if you really want to try to make this work.
So sorry that you're having a hard time but you absolutely did the right thing. Absolutely.
"He tries to say that if I would've sat him down more sternly, he would've gotten counseling."
So I'm not a counselor, but this seems like a way to push the responsibility for the situation on to you. And going back to the first post, IT IS DEFINITELY NOT.
"I know I did the right thing, or at least I try to remind myself I did. He betrayed our marriage by hurting me, not me. I would've had no reason to betray him if he hadn't abused me. He refused counseling, so he wouldn't have done it no matter what he says. I did the right thing."
This. One. Hundred. Percent. This.
You did the right thing and I am so proud of you! Make sure to get some counseling yourself during this period, because he is absolutely going to try to make you feel bad about this and/or twist the story so much that you'll wonder what even happened. This 30 days is an opportunity for you to show yourself how strong you are, surround yourself with friends, have some come to you or travel to visit them on weekends. Get as much support around you as you possibly can, and if you need to come back here and we'll give it to you :) Thank you for the update, we're all rooting for you :)
And remember, you didn't betray him, he betrayed you. I'm not sure if there is enough counseling in the world that would ever make me comfortable with a man that strangled, punched and pulled a gun on me. I hope you stay safe!
You definitely did the right thing. His actions before and his actions now are completely unacceptable. This is HIS fault, HE is in the wrong, not you. You did what you had to do.
@i_neverthought: Who wouldn't cry 50 bajillion times in your situation? That's perfectly normal. You really did do the right thing, and honestly, I expected him to spam you with "hate-texts" and try to put the blame on you. Just be conscious that he is still abusing you -- albeit verbally and emotionally now -- by trying to pin this on you and sending spiteful texts. Try your best to ignore it. Can you get a new cell phone number?
You definitely did the right thing! He should not be testing you if he has a no contact order! Save those and do not respond to him!
He betrayed your marriage when he beat you.
KEEP trying to convince yourself you did the right thing. Fake it until you make it.
We all know you DID do the right thing.
e tries to say that if I would've sat him down more sternly, he would've gotten counseling-
BULLSHIT! I Am calling bullshit on that. he never would have went. Words are cheap. Sorry and breakfast in bed does not make even one squeeze that is too hard ok.
He betrayed our marriage by hurting me, not me. I would've had no reason to Protect myself from him if he hadn't abused me. He refused counseling, so he wouldn't have done it no matter what he says. I did the right thing.
Don't use the word betray... because you did not betray him. You are protecting yourself and you are helping him help himself.
@i_neverthought: One of the things that an abuser will do is try to blame the abuse on the victim. He's going to say that he would have never hit you, or pulled the gun on you if you hadn't been this or that to him. Abusers will beat down their victim's self esteem until there's nothing left. Please don't let him do this to you. It's not your fault that he turned violent...it's his fault. And I still don't agree that you're going to stay with him after he gets out of conseling b/c I don't think he's going to change. He's still blaming you for everything when you're not at fault. Please know that you are absolutely NOT at fault for any of this. He brought it all on himself.
@i_neverthought: Hun, he didn't give you the decency of a warning before he decided to beat the shit out of you. Don't even listen to that bull.
Save the texts to show in court. Pretty sure it'll count as harassment and violating his no-contact.
Keep telling yourself that you did the right thing as many times as you need to. And be on the lookout for him. He's not supposed to contact you, and yet he is sending you hateful text messages. he is already breaking the rules. Do not expect him to stay away from you. If he gets angry enough, he will come after you. Have you changed your locks? Had a home alarm installed? Talked to your neighbors so that they know to notify you if they see him hanging around? Done the same with your co-workers? Constant vigilance is the name of the game. Please be as proactive as possible to protect yourself.
You 10000% did the right thing, especially by not warning him. I'm glad you didn't take his word for it that it would never happen again. If I'm not mistaken, he's done it before, correct? I'm so proud of you for standing up for yourself and making yourself safe. I hope he takes this time to really get the help he needs and not just go through the motions.
I hope this doesn't come off as condescending, but I am so proud of you. Really, I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I haven't commented on this situation yet but I have certainly been following it. I am so impressed by your strength and courage in protecting yourself. For any women out there who might be reading this in your same situation, you are so inspiring to them and your story could help others get help. That's something to feel proud of. I know this is probably the most difficult time in your life and you feel the opposite of strong and courageous, but please remember that you stood up for yourself in an impossibly hard situation and try to hold onto that to get you through the emotional times to come. Please PM me at any time if you need someone to hold you up. Remember that you deserve all of the best things in the world, and good luck to you.
Thank you again for the encouragement. I know I did the right thing but it's still hard to have him trying to pin the blame on me. I mean, if I hadn't reported him he wouldn't be in trouble, but I also wouldn't be safe and we wouldn't be getting help. He just kept saying I betrayed him and he'll never love me again.
I know I'm being a classic victim, trying to make excuses for him and letting him get to me. I know it. Which is why I appreciate the support you've all given me along the way. Touching back on the people who said they hate these posts because they're pointless.. I can honestly say I wouldn't have reported him if it weren't for the ladies that did respond to my "pointless post." So thank you. You may have saved my life.
For the next 30 days I will be focusing on myself. I'm going to go to the gym, pick up a class, and find a church. I am going to begin the process of finding myself again. I'm also attending a women empowerment convention this weekend where they do yoga to de-stress, self defense to empower, cake baking for fun, and lots of other stuff. It couldn't have come at a better time. I'm just going to take this day by day. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
It's so hard when someone that you love hurts you. It's almost inconcivable to you that this person who you love, and says that they love you back would ever harbor any ill will towards you. Even when you KNOW the behavior is bad, and dangerous, and so much less than you deserve, you WANT to believe that he is sorry. You WANT to believe that he would never hurt you again. You even WANT to believe that it is your fault that he attacked you, be it verbally, phyiscally, mentally, or sexually. Yuo want to believe that you can fix it, and that after he is forced to go to councing he will see the error of his ways and return to the sweet man you fell in love with. That will not happen.
when he gets out of counciling, he will be upset and he will come after you. Please change your locks, and alert your neighbors and co-workers to be on the look out for you.
When I left my ex, who abused me, the next day he showed up at my house. I was home alone, and he knew the garage door was kept unlocked. He showed up at my house and chased me around the house. he hit me, pushed me down , threw a knife at me and tried to rape me. I had managed to send off a text message to my now FI that said " B is here. I am scared. Help me."
Fi was there in 5 mins, and he managed to pull my ex off of me and send him packing. Had FI been 10 mins. later... I would have had to go to the hospital, or worse I would be dead.
The next day I recieved a text form my ex saying he was sorry, and that never would have happened if i had not had left him. and that if i gave him one more chance he would never hurt me again. when i did not answer, he sent me messages about why he hurt me, that i was the reason he did those things, I brought out the worst in him yadayadaa....
I had my now Fi and my mom to be there and tell me, no... it is him. he will not change. No one ever deserves to be hit or hurt in a realationship. Be strong. Protect yourself. You have done good my dear, now just follow through.
I don't think any amount of counseling is going to save your marriage or make it safe for you to be with him. Get a divorce and run far, far away.
@i_neverthought: Wow, perfect timing! So glad you are focusing on YOU now. *hugs*
@hisgoosiegirl: YES!! He didn't warn you before becoming violent yet you're supposed to warn a violent person that you're going to report them?
He wouldn't have gone to counseling, he would have gotten violent again or tried to convince you he didn't need it.
You did the right thing. He STILL hasn't taken responsibility for his actions which he's proving over and over by blaming you for this situation and texting you "hatemail". Someone who sincerely plans to change completely understands the consequences and accepts them. He's basically telling you he should have gotten away with it, and would expect to get away with it in the future!
SO glad you're safe and he's not allowed anywhere near you. As time goes on and you are able to heal you won't have any more doubt that you did the right thing. All of this was his doing, and you can't waste time feeling guilty for the decisions he's made. Best wishes :) Enjoy your retreat, that sounds awesome.
I'm so glad you got out. From the outside it seems so cut and dry - he is the one who hurt you, you should leave, etc. - but it sounds more complicated when you're the one dealing with it. Good luck, and sorry I thought it was pointless at first, I'm glad you're safe.
Dear OP, thank you for updating us. I've been thinking of you. I know you love your partner and these 30 days will be difficult for you on many levels. Please, however, be careful. Don't take false security in the protective order. Statistically, the most dangerous time for violence is when a woman takes initial steps to leave the abusive relationship. I don't want to frighten you but I do want you to be safe. All the best. Please continue to let us know when you need support.
Just know that even though he apologized, made you breakfast, and promised never to do this again, there was something about his demeanor and attitude (ie, refusal to seek counseling, likely for the fear of his behavior being discovered) that lead you to file an unrestricted report and protect yourself.
I know I speak for everyone when I say how relieved we are that you are taking the steps to protect yourself, but honestly, from a legal standpoint, DO NOT delete those texts. I am so concerned at what happens for you if his no-contact period does not get through to him as a result of HIS VIOLENT BEHAVIOR not being your fault. Please continue to put money aside for yourself, discuss the situation in depth with neighbors, friends and family, and plan a full-proof escape route if he is allowed home. He sounds like a loose cannon who is hell bent on blaming his own behavior on his victim and it is so so scary.
If he has the audacity to contact you one more time, tell him he is in violation of the terms of the no-contact order and that you will pass this along to his superiors.
Life is SO SHORT hunny, and there is no time to waste living another second in fear of a person who has vowed to love and cherish you.
@i_neverthought: OP, imalittlebirdie's comment is the reason why I dont think this relationship is the healthiest thing for you. My Ex stalked me online and even ambushed me at the gym we went to in order to tell me we had to keep in contact even after I was finally away from that guy. He never stopped until I basically changed all my contact info and left the area. Please get yourself somewhere safe, as Im afraid of him coming after you after all this.
Im really glad you have started the process of moving on from this chapter of your life.
Good for you hunny! I am going to echol everyone else's thoughts...you did the right thing and I'm proud of you! Stay strong! You'll get through this and be a much stronger woman!
Good for you! I'm glad to hear you're ok, and that he is not allowed to contact you for at least a little while. Please make sure you're safe- change the locks, confide in a neighbor or a friend who can be there for you at a moment's notice. Protect yourself and be aware of your surroundings.
You did the right thing, and are continuing to do the right thing by taking care of yourself.
You've got what it takes, but it will take everything you've got! You can do this!
I'm so glad to hear you filed the report, and that you have time to yourself! I'm really glad to hear you're doing things to take care of yourself. The convention you're going to sounds like a lot of fun!
Whatever happens next, you've done the right things. Thank you so much for reaching out to us, OP.
I'm happy first of all to hear from you - I've thought about you a LOT over the past days, wondering how things had turned out.
Very proud to hear you took the right steps. I honestly do hope that somehow he can see the error of his ways and embrace help - but please, please be wary that this might not work. I know you probably already know this, but I do implore you to keep that in mind and have an escape plan in case the 30 days bring little or no change.
The things you're doing for yourself sound great! Especially the self defense class and stress reducers. You need to take care of yourself, and this is a great time to do so. Please keep us updated over the next 30 days and please stay safe.
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