Post # 1
SO and I have given this situation a lot of thought, but we’re still not sure what to do, so I’m hoping for a little advice. SO has had this friend this college that he was really close to. SO moved so that this friend would have a roommate and would be able to move out of his parent’s place a few years back. About a year ago, this friend who had never had a girlfriend, seemed desperate to find someone. He went on all kinds of blind dates, signed up for online dating sites, and went to church retreats looking for a girl. He finally found someone and SO and I were incredibly happy for him and her, until things started to change.
SO didn’t see it at first, but this friend was pulling away from him. He never wanted to hang out with SO or go on double dates, something we had always talked about doing. He pretty much only contacted us if he wanted something and would only go out with us if we were at least partially paying. I tried to reach out to her, but she never seemed interested. She and I don’t have to be best friends, but I thought it might make it easier on SO and his friend if she and I were at least friendly toward each other.
We feel really used, but I don’t think SO is ready to let go of this friendship. I think this friend has just “moved on” with his life and we don’t fit into that. We haven’t heard from them for about 8 months except for when SO gets a text or email asking him to do something for their upcoming wedding (he’s a groomsman) this month.
Another friend of ours has suggested that we confront them after their wedding and tell them how we feel because he believes they may be so caught up with wedding planning that they haven’t noticed us. If that’s the case, why do we want to have friends that just forget about us for 8 months? We don’t expect them to hang out with us constantly and we know right now they’re really busy with the wedding, but is it too much to ask for a friendly message or something every once in a while? Based on how they treat us, I’d be fine with just never speaking to them, but I feel really bad for SO because he’s the one that will be losing his long friendship.
Thanks for any advice you can give!
Post # 3
The guy’s no longer a friend. Drop out of the wedding and stop doing stuff for him. At this point, he’s just using you.
Post # 4
DH’s bff since kindergarten probably feels the same way about us that you feel about your SO’s best friend.
They live a town away, have a brand new baby, he works weekends, DH works weekdays. It’s really hard. I would say easily we haven’t seen his BF since first week of December. Their Mom’s are friends. It’s hard sometimes. I’d give it a little more time and be understanding. We aren’t cutting them out of our lives, they(BF & Family) aren’t toxic just BUSY and so are we but our time “off” are different.
Post # 5
My BFF and I hardly see each other. Maybe once a month if we are lucky and we only live 30 miles from each other. It seems when one weekend works for her it doesn’t work for me. But those times we do get together are awesome! Same with DH and his bff. His bff has two kids, job, and lots of activities he’s involved in. Tehy speak maybe once every two months, and we haven’t seen them since Christmas.
I can’t say your SO should drop him like that, and I definitely don’t think he should drop out of the wedding, but perhaps if he feels the friendship is already done then after the wedding he can cut ties. If he is having a hard time doing so, he needs to talk to his friend about it.
Post # 6
I know that when I start planning things or get wrapped up in something (or even just wrapped up in life itself) I tend to end up in my own little world, so maybe that’s what’s going on there and they have no idea they’re upsetting you. Or maybe you’re right and his friend is just changing and they’re drifting apart, it’s part of life. I am a huge fan of communication, though, and I think it may benefit your SO to talk to his friend and tell him how he feels. Not in an accusatory way or anything that will start an argument, but just to let him know where he stands and that he misses their friendship. Then you’ll at least know where his FRIEND stands, and if nothing comes of their talk and things are still the same, then at least you tried.
For the record, I don’t see my best friends like, ever because they all live far away from me and one of them I only talk to occasionally. But we understand that each other is busy and we still consider each other best friends.
Post # 7
@epilove: If I’m reading your post right, it sounds like this is your friends first real relationship, or first serious relationship, correct? If that’s the case – and he’s going through his first experience of falling in love and then getting married, I really don’t think its all that unusual that he’s totally focused on all of that right now. I mean, that’s pretty heady, exciting stuff, you know?
I’m sure you and your SO aren’t the only friends or family he’s neglecting so you all may be taking this much too personally. I also suspect they’re probably saving every penny for the wedding and that could be why they don’t want to go out much.
An angry, accusatory, resentful confrontation isn’t likely to have a good end result. SO’s friend will just get defensive and such a conversation isn’t likely to make his new wife want to get to know you any better.
If your SO says anything at all, then it should be more along the lines of, “I miss hanging out with you” and/or “epilove and I would really like it if the four of us could hang out sometime. When things settle down after the wedding, lets try to get together. “
Back off until a few weeks after the honeymoon is over and then reach out to them and invite them over for a quiet, low pressure dinner at your place.
It could be that they’re going to be in the honeymoon phase for awhile and they’ll just want to be alone together. If so, just sit tight, extend an occasional invitation to hang out and see if he/they don’t eventually come around.
Post # 8
@epilove: My BF has (had?) a very very close friend since childhood (both men are 40) that we used to see 3-5x a week. He usually had a girl he was seeing and would always tell us “no, THIS ONE is the one!” and we’d all laugh because we knew next week it would be another girl. Well, in July he introduced us a woman he just met (she’s 37 I believe) that really didnt impress me one way or another. Actually, she made kind of a horrible first impression: got drunk at 9pm on a Tuesday night and peed between two cars in the restaurant parking lot. Either way, I chalked it up to nerves and figured we wouldnt see her ever again. That next weekend, she was still around, and the next. She didnt really go out of her way to talk to me, and her BF actually told me she said she thought I “looked like a huge bitch” when she saw my facebook pictures prior to meeting me. Lovely.
Well, pretty much after the third date our friend dropped off the face of the earth. Stopped returning calls or texts, stopped all contact. It went on like this for 3 months until one night he texted my BF and said “I’m going to propose to her next week, would mean alot if you were there.” If you’re keeping track, they’d known eachother 3 months. Luckily, he ended up proposing to her at a company party so we didnt have to attend.
A few months later it’s February and we hadnt heard a peep since the proposal text. My BF comes home from work and tells me that we’ve been invited by the friend to his birthday party. I told him it’s his friend and I’d support him if he wanted to go, but that I didnt think we should seeing as how he’d blown him off for the past 6+ months. BF decided we should go “just to be nice, only for a bit.” 20 minutes into the birthday party, my BF comes up to me and tells me that the friend has asked him to be in his wedding party and he said yes. I could hardly believe it and was furious that he had the nerve to ask and my BF was crazy enough to say yes, but I acted happy for him. Before we left, his friend told us it had been “way too long” since we’d hung out and we’d hang out the following weekend.
That was 2 months ago and we havent heard a single word. They announced their wedding time and venue via Facebook status, and I’m hoping BF decides he doesnt want to go.
These people are no “friends”, and it doesnt sound like your mans buddy is any different. Lose the dead weight.
Post # 9
Thanks everyone for the replies! It’s really helpful!
@badabing88: Your story sounds somewhat familiar. At least this guy’s fiance doesn’t say bad things about me (that I know of :/).
Post # 10
@epilove: I didnt know her mouth was running until her own BF mentioned it in conversation to us. I was kind of appalled, but she’s proving to be kind of b-word herself so I’m not entirely surprised. We have a mutual friend who thinks she’s a little monster and tells me everything she says, so it was quite hard to be friendly to her at the bday party.