Post # 1
Ok so I need some help… I previously posted about my FSIL, read the post here (I commented later on it with something else that happened)
Problems with future SIL
Since then, I haven’t really spoken to her. I saw her for FMIL’s birthday but we didn’t talk besides hi and bye. FI is getting annoyed with me because I haven’t made an effort to speak with her to try to work it out (she hasn’t tried either)… So now I’m writing her an email. Tell me what you think. I’m trying VERY hard to be nice in it. Suggestions? Help? Thanks!
We haven’t really spoken since you called me a couple months ago so I’m not really sure where we stand. I need to tell you that I was very offended by some of the things you said to me. I’m not sure if you really meant the things you said, or if you were just caught up in the moment and letting out your frustrations with BROTHER/FI on me instead. I’ve been trying not to take the things you said personally, but it’s been very hard and I am hurt. I ultimately want us to have a good relationship and hope you do too. Like I told you that day, I asked you to be a bridesmaid because I want you to be one. I told you I would leave the decision up to you, of whether you want to be one or not. Please let me know where we stand.
Post # 3
Sorry I didn’t read your previous post, but I do know from experience that it’s usually better to talk in person. With emails, (even though your’s is straight to the point) they can be taken wrong, or have the tone misinterpreted. I think meeting up for coffee is always the best option tohave a genuine conversation even though it may not always be the easiest or most comfortable. But if you do want a good relationship with her like you say I think a in person meet up is always better..
Post # 4
She lives in another state and I won’t really be seeing her until the wedding. I’m not good with confrontation and often freeze up, which is why I want to write her an email over talking to her on the phone- so I can make sure I say everything I want to say
Post # 5
I’d start it off with a compliment or a suggestion of missing her or saying you really do want to be close. I know you say that later on but I’d open with it if you want her to even keep reading and set the right tone.
I’d also solicit your FMIL’s opinion on how best to approach FSIL, as FMIL seems to want to make it work out with FSIL.
Post # 6
Your FI is annoyed with YOU?! You have done absolutely nothing wrong in this situation, and even as an outsider to a situation I know that nothing good can come from the e-mail. This girl is taking everything you do and say, even something as innocent as daring to send family members your engagement pics, into an insult and an excuse to yell at you. Your FI needs to stick up for you because you are not in the wrong here. I know sometimes it’s necessary to apologize even when it’s not really necessary just to keep the peace, but you literally have absolutely nothing to apologize for, she has been completely out of line.
And I think having this girl, who has been nothing but mean to you, as a BM is just asking for more trouble as the wedding gets closer. I’d take her no as the final answer unelss she brings it up. Can you imagine trying to choose a dress or doing any of the other typical BM things with her?
Post # 7
@bearlove: I added a couple sentences at the beginning congratulating her on her new job. Not saying how much I miss her, but still something nice. Thanks for the advice! FMIL suggested FI write her an email to work out their own problems, so I know she would be on board for me to write her one too.
@Wonderstruck: He did stick up for me when it first happened, but now that he is trying to work out his own problems with his sister, he thinks I should work them out too. We had a talk about it tonight and he said he would try sticking up for me more, but that he also thinks I should be the bigger person and send her an email (he knows I will continue to be frustrated and stressed over this until some contact happens). My email is NOT apology, I made sure not to apologize for anything, because I know I did nothing wrong. She already has the bridesmaid dress (FMIL asked FI if there are any specific shoes FSIL should wear with the dress— I guess that is a very indirect way of her saying she will still be a bridesmaid?). Luckily she lives in a different state and is not planning (and most likely not attending) my shower or bachelorete party.
Post # 8
If you’re really worried she might be bipolar or have borderline personality disorder or something, I think that email has the potential to set her off even more. It seems a little bit confrontational.
Is there any way you can suggest miscommunication without making it sound like anyone’s fault? Like, “We haven’t really spoken since you called me a couple months ago so I’m not really sure where we stand. I’m think that there’s been a miscommunication because I don’t think you meant to hurt me, but you did when you said x, y, z. I remember how I felt when my sister got married and understand if you were taking your frustrations about your brother out on me, but I would appreciate it if you could tell me where we stand. Did you really mean those things?” or something. I don’t know if that actually makes a difference.
I agree that an email makes things seem harsher because it’s in cold hard print; if you have to send an email, I think you should soften it as much as you can without being apologetic, and let your FI give him his opinion on it before you send it off.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, I hope it gets resolved quickly and happily!
Post # 9
@HappierKate: thanks for the advice! I’m gonna try changing it up a little bit
Post # 10
I would take out the word offended and replace it with hurt. It’s less confrontational, and I would end with I really hope we can work out our differences and that she is very important to your fi and you!
Post # 11
Can you basically say something like “I’m not sure where we stand, but I’d really love for this to be water under the bridge, and I am okay to move on if you are.” Or do you need an apology from her before you feel comfortable moving on?
Post # 12
I’d really like an apology, although who knows if I will get one. She really did offend me and my family.
My mom threw our engagement party, like 60 people. FSIL cames over right before to help a little bit and FREAKED out because my mom had bought Diet Coke instead of Diet Pepsi like her parents like. FI ended up running out to the store to buy Diet Pepsi just to shut her up (FMIL & FFIL totally would not care if they couldn’t have their beloved Diet Pepsi for a night, they are grown up and would be fine with something else). Anyway, that was March 2011. This phone call I had with her was about February 2012. She brought up this incident. I am so inconsiderate of her family because we had diet coke instead of diet pepsi. I shut my mouth but I soooo wanted to say “are you serious? my mom threw this amazing party, you’re parents didn’t help/bring a single thing, and you are complaining we didn’t have diet pepsi for them?”
So yes, she reallllllly did offend my family and I really think I need an apology.
Post # 13
To be honest, I think weddings make people crazy. Unfortunately, they make crazy people even crazier. I’m not certain you can expect a reasonable apology from her, at least not before the wedding is done and dusted.
Until then, if you want to try and mend bridges, I would suggest taking the higher road and showing that YOU are being totally reasonable. I always try to make myself completely blameless in these situations, and then no one can ever point the finger and say any of it was my fault. At the end of the day, if you have made the effort and she doesn’t reciprocate, it only looks bad on her.
Here is how I personally would handle your email:
I wanted to get in touch because I feel that the last time we spoke we didn’t really end things on positive note. I understand that we both left our last conversation feeling a little hurt, but now that we have both had time to relax and think over what was said, I’m hoping that we can start afresh.
Please know that FI and I both feel it’s really important to us to have you share in our special day, whether it’s taking part as a bridesmid or simply being there to witness our vows. Either way, we’ll just be happy to know that such an important family member is there to support us.
I’m sorry that it’s taken me so long to move past the hurt feelings and contact you, but I hope that we are both now ready to apologise, move on and build a great relationship.