(Closed) e-mail to FSIL about resolving drama, maybe? help!

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1432 posts
Bumble bee

Sorry I didn’t read your previous post, but I do know from experience that it’s usually better to talk in person. With emails, (even though your’s is straight to the point) they can be taken wrong, or have the tone misinterpreted. I think meeting up for coffee is always the best option tohave a genuine conversation even though it may not always be the easiest or most comfortable. But if you do want a good relationship with her like you say I think a in person meet up is always better..

Post # 5
Member
1628 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I’d start it off with a compliment or a suggestion of missing her or saying you really do want to be close.  I know you say that later on but I’d open with it if you want her to even keep reading and set the right tone.

I’d also solicit your FMIL’s opinion on how best to approach FSIL, as FMIL seems to want to make it work out with FSIL.

Post # 6
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Your FI is annoyed with YOU?! You have done absolutely nothing wrong in this situation, and even as an outsider to a situation I know that nothing good can come from the e-mail. This girl is taking everything you do and say, even something as innocent as daring to send family members your engagement pics, into an insult and an excuse to yell at you. Your FI needs to stick up for you because you are not in the wrong here. I know sometimes it’s necessary to apologize even when it’s not really necessary just to keep the peace, but you literally have absolutely nothing to apologize for, she has been completely out of line.

And I think having this girl, who has been nothing but mean to you, as a BM is just asking for more trouble as the wedding gets closer. I’d take her no as the final answer unelss she brings it up. Can you imagine trying to choose a dress or doing any of the other typical BM things with her?

Post # 8
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

If you’re really worried she might be bipolar or have borderline personality disorder or something, I think that email has the potential to set her off even more.  It seems a little bit confrontational.

Is there any way you can suggest miscommunication without making it sound like anyone’s fault?  Like, “We haven’t really spoken since you called me a couple months ago so I’m not really sure where we stand.  I’m think that there’s been a miscommunication because I don’t think you meant to hurt me, but you did when you said x, y, z.  I remember how I felt when my sister got married and understand if you were taking your frustrations about your brother out on me, but I would appreciate it if you could tell me where we stand.  Did you really mean those things?” or something.  I don’t know if that actually makes a difference.  

I agree that an email makes things seem harsher because it’s in cold hard print; if you have to send an email, I think you should soften it as much as you can without being apologetic, and let your FI give him his opinion on it before you send it off.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, I hope it gets resolved quickly and happily! 

Post # 10
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I would take out the word offended and replace it with hurt. It’s less confrontational, and I would end with I really hope we can work out our differences and that she is very important to your fi and you!

Post # 11
Member
813 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Can you basically say something like “I’m not sure where we stand, but I’d really love for this to be water under the bridge, and I am okay to move on if you are.” Or do you need an apology from her before you feel comfortable moving on?

Post # 13
Member
59 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

To be honest, I think weddings make people crazy. Unfortunately, they make crazy people even crazier. I’m not certain you can expect a reasonable apology from her, at least not before the wedding is done and dusted.

Until then, if you want to try and mend bridges, I would suggest taking the higher road and showing that YOU are being totally reasonable. I always try to make myself completely blameless in these situations, and then no one can ever point the finger and say any of it was my fault. At the end of the day, if you have made the effort and she doesn’t reciprocate, it only looks bad on her.

Here is how I personally would handle your email:

Hi FSIL,

I wanted to get in touch because I feel that the last time we spoke we didn’t really end things on positive note. I understand that we both left our last conversation feeling a little hurt, but now that we have both had time to relax and think over what was said, I’m hoping that we can start afresh.

Please know that FI and I both feel it’s really important to us to have you share in our special day, whether it’s taking part as a bridesmid or simply being there to witness our vows. Either way, we’ll just be happy to know that such an important family member is there to support us.

I’m sorry that it’s taken me so long to move past the hurt feelings and contact you, but I hope that we are both now ready to apologise, move on and build a great relationship.

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