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I don't see an option for exactly what I would do. First off... yay for you! b/c as silly as it may seem to some... getting married to the love of your life is really really huge and can be heartbreaking when stuff like this happens!!! *hugs* I would be angry at your sister the most... I think. 50k is a lot to spend on one wedding w/ another to follow shortly. She should have been more considerate in regards to finances and your future wedding. I guess your parents should probably have been a little more frugal, but oh well... its not like you can change the past now. If your parents have expectations, then thats just how they are and they'll probably never change... so I wouldn't blame them and it isn't their fault the economy went down the toilet. But I'm sure they want to give you just as lavish a wedding as they gave your sister... they love and care for you just as much. I'm sure they're embarassed, angry, and upset just like you b/c they can't do what they said they would do for both of you. I guess you have two options. I would take a deep breath... make a dinner and have your parents and FH sit down and talk out the possible options. Maybe not a huge lavish wedding ASAP... or perhaps wait longer for a lavish one. At any rate... best of luck!
PS I've been dating my love... going on 5 years and we are unoffically engaged b/c he can't afford the dream ring... let alone a wedding... so I know the waiting b/c we're poor feeling. Meanwhile I watch all of my friends get engaged/married. It really blows.
If your wedding is just a month away, you may loose more money by cancelling it or delaying it instead of just having it. I would guess you probably have a lot of stuff already planned out and have deposits put down which are generally non refundable, unless you never were able to get that far because of a lack of money.I understand youre upset and hurt, but this isn't really anybody's fault. Yes, your sister could have been more considerate, but it's not hard to get swept up in everything wedding-day when you're planning. Everyone is taught that their wedding is THEIR day, so the focus was, understandably, though selfishly, on herself. It's just too bad the man ended up a bum, but I'm sure your sister was hurt by that and wouldn't have married the guy had show known ahead of time. Also, your parents had, and still have the very best intention. There was no way they could have forseen the economy going to dumps. It isn't really fair to be upset with them about it. I'm sure they are very upset as well. They could very well feel like failures as parents for not being able to provide what the promised to their daughter. That sort of thing is VERY hard on a parent. My mom said she would give me a sum of money for my wedding, and she did. But what she hadn't anticipated on was being let go from her job. She is still unemployed so the reality is I will likely be returning the majority of the money that I haven't spent yet to help her support my siblings. The worst part? I will be out of a job two weeks after the wedding too! She really wishes she could do more and feels bad about it, but sometimes the only thing you can do is play with the cards dealt to you, crummy as they may be, and just hope for a better hand next time.
It's ok if your wedding isnt as big and elaborate as your sisters. Have what YOU like. May I suggest a very small, intimate wedding for the time being, and try to plan a more elaborate vow renewal in the future? You can have just the people who are absolutely closest to you attend (parents, siblings, closest friends, or maybe even just parents) and have a nice dinner at a restuarant, but then plan your dream wedding for later on?
I also like the idea of eloping. It's so much easier than planning a whole wedding, cheaper, and you get to have your honeymoon all in one! It's definitely less stressful. Maybe invite your parents as well if they'd feel better about it.
Whatever you do, you definitely need to sit and have a conversation with your parents, and include your FI. Tell them that you understand and don't blame them if they can't afford the wedding, but you all need to settle on a new plan of action.
Good luck! I know this would be such a hard thing to tackle.
Thats a tough situation. I feel for you for sure! I guess the best thing to do is what makes you and your FI happy.... whatever that is...
If you think about it, the important thing is you two, annoucing your love for one another officially. I think eloping or having a small wedding can really be romantic, beautiful and even more meaningful that a huge lavish event. Im sure it could be done on a limited budget as well.
Maybe try talking to your parents about your feelings and see what they think... But really I think you should do whatever will make you and your future husband happy...
Best of luck :) Hugs...
well you found the guy so whats keeping you from having a fabulous wedding you just have to be more creative
hold a picnic wedding, hold a wedding on the beach, a wedding in the park, hold a barbecue wedding buffet style, you found the man of your dreams lavish is nice, but things happen, just a matter of adjusting, no wyou can actually focus on what is truly important wedding the man you love, I always thought everything else was extra I think the media makes us think we have to spend more than we need to
my sis had a beautiful big wedding and it must have cost her less than 1000, it's doable, adjustments need to be made the event is still special it just won't be the tradiitonal common way, now is the time ot think creative ideas to celebrate it, if you elope, I have a feeling you will hav regrets you really want to be surrounded by loved ones
IMG_1035.jpg (2049.3 KB, 61 downloads) 1 year old 
What kind of wedding do you envision for yourself? Too bad your sister was such a brat and all that money got spent for her marrying someone that it didn't turn out well. Boo. Hindsight's 20/20 and you can't go back and fix it, so you just have to find out what will work for you. 50K is a chunk when you know you have two daughters getting married after the other. You have more generosity than me, my dear.
Fly to a resort in Florida. That's what I would do! But Id on't have a huge family, and my closest friends would carpool to florida. These places usually throw in a ceremony package for cheap and honestly, everyone can probably scrape up a few hundred to go and your parents wouldn't be out that kind of money. I'd feel guilty taking 50K from my parents, and it sounds like you aren't keen on the idea, either, and you're tired of waiting. The more you wait I think the more bitter you will become.
You've been engaged for 2 years. It's time for you to get married, and that's what you REALLY want anyways. If you WANT to elope, do it. If you don't, don't do it! Just play off the "casual wedding" thing. If you truly have your heart set on something lavish, you may have to talk to your parents. They obviously cannot go into debt over this or get screwed over themselves. It doesn't mean they are bad parents, it just means they aren't made of money. You can have a lovely, casual wedding nowadays (or even a nice one! you just have to pick and choose your priorities...appetizers/cake/champagne instead of a full sit down dinner, etc) on a few thousand dollars. Depends on where you are getting married, too. Major factor. Good luck!
*hugs*
I'm sorry! I can relate (sort of). My husband's brother and sister both had lavish weddings, when it was his turn- nothing. My parents paid for everything, and while it was beautiful and I wouldn't have had it any other way- I know he was slightly hurt.
I would elope and I wouldn't think anything of it. I understand why you're angry/embarassed/hurt but you should concentrate on what's important- you found someone solid that you love. :) Plus, after seeing pictures of couples eloping- it seems intimate and special (I wish we would have done it- it's what I wanted, but my MIL would have died- in hindsight we should have just eloped :) I like the idea of going down to city hall, getting married, and then having an intimate dinner for close family and friends. Low cost, and it van be super elegant. Congratulations, and goodluck.
Thanks to all for the supportive comments.
I should mention that I wasn't actually looking for a traditional or lavish wedding 2 years ago, but my parents insisted on giving me a "decent" wedding instead of letting me elope. Their idea, not mine!
What I'm working through now is NOT the disappointment of not having a fancy wedding. I'm actually very anti-materialistic, somewhat adventurous, and a good sport. An unconventional wedding or elopment is just fine for me.
I'm reeling from the emotional consequences of having my wedding delayed -- twice -- because of other people:
1. The uncomfortable build-up of expectations. It's awkward to explain. Especially to relatives and even my coworkers are getting nosy. My parents don't want anyone to know, so I have to make excuses for them.
2. Getting "off the hook" so I can move on with my life! My parents don't want to confront the situation and I'm in limbo!
3. Dealing with resentment towards my bratty sister -- not for the money, but for the time. Money one can earn. But I will never get back the years of waiting.
I thought that the advice to confront my folks and establish a new "plan of action" was sound. The rest of it will just take some patience and time to get over the disappointment.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. What a tough situation. I think that the best idea out of those listed is to try to go ahead with the wedding (since it's in a month, you've already sent out invitations, etc, and paid deposits, right?) but have your parents be honest about what they can contribute and scale it way back if necessary. That way you'll be married and be able to move on, your parents will still get to give you the wedding they wanted (if not exactly in the manner they wanted) and hopefully those nosy people will get off your back about it. Honestly, no one will know unless you tell them that the wedding is not as lavish as it was going to be, and if you're having a good time, everyone will have a good time even if it's not how you originally envisioned it.
There are lots of ways to cut back, even this late in the game--if you have a lot of fam and friends around, maybe try to get them to bring food, like a potluck kinda thing? Or if the caterer has your deposit already, serve just apps? Cut back on or eliminate flowers? Limit or don't serve alcohol? I think you are approaching it very realistically, and knowing that you would have been happy eloping, maybe a smaller affair will turn out just perfect--I hope so. Best of luck!
how about a cocktail reception, it can still be elegant, DIY flowers, have it during sunset, lots of ideas, it can still be beautiful and elegant even without a lot of money
If you are ok with the idea of eloping, go with it and have alittle celebration when you get home. Have like, 20 people and let your parents have it catered so thery get their insisted wishes of throwing you a wedding...at least a little bit. Go with what you're ok with, but don't make so many exceptions that you think you'll be unhappy in the future
It sounds like you really would rather elope than have the wedding, regardless of your parents' financial situation. Maybe you could just talk to your parents and tell them that the wedding of your dreams is to get married at City Hall with just your immediate family (or whatever -- I think this will probably go over easier if you plan to include your parents in some way at or after the ceremony), and that's what you and your fiance plan to do. Maybe they will find it easier to discuss if you make it about your personal wishes for the day, and not about their ability to pay.
In terms of what to tell other people -- I feel like you can avoid talking about the money situation by just saying something like "oh, once I realized how much time and effort it took to plan a bigger wedding, we couldn't wait any longer and we wanted to elope."
It sounds like you have been trying to make everyone happy. (not a bad thing)
I would confront your parents, then elope. It sounds like what you want to do. I know people who married in Costa Rico and Thailand. The ones who married in Thailand, the brides family had a reception when they came back. NYC is popular for out of towners and they have services that cater to that. Empire State or Central Park maybe?
Plan what you want to do, then tell your parents this is what you are doing. I would also be honest that you were hurt and about your sisters role in it. That way if they gift you in the future your sister doesn't have a fit because they helped you with a down payment and they didn't help her. It sucks about your parents and the economy, but they should have budgeted for two weddings. It's not like they didn't know. Did they send you to Harvard and then only had money left for community college for your sister? Sounds like everyone got caught up in wedding craziness.
If they want to throw you a party or reception when you get back, that's great. But don't put off your life anymore!
This is what popped into my head, and it may be totally out of left field, but what about making it a huge surprise for everyone? I would invite over lots of family and friends for a "summer barbecue" or something, and once everyone is assembled reveal that it's really a wedding celebration! I understand that you're just sick of waiting and probably feeling a little embarrassed at this point, so revealing it all to be a big surprise for everyone could help dissipate that pressure and might even make sense to some people looking back about why you were so private about your planning.
You are a kind person, because I wouldn't have waited so long for my wedding if it were my sister, especially younger sister. I've heard of people waiting a month or couple months, but a year, WOW that was big of you. I don't blame you for being upset with them, I would be pretty hurt and furious myself.
Since the big wedding is clearly out of the picture now, would you consider eloping as originally planned, then have a simple & casual BBQ to celebrate with family and friends afterwards? Then, maybe having a fancy reception in a few years if the economy does better? This way your parents can still have the fancy party they want, but in the mean time at least you'll finally be married.
Here's what I'd do..have a FABULOUS weddingmoon..where you get married and have a gorgeous ceremony wherever that is..and then have a reception when you get back.
Instead of the full blown dinner reception, do a cocktail reception and that's alot better financially speaking..and show pics from your wedding, or even a video of it! And definitely slide show of your honeymoon. That way everybody would be attending, just in a different way! And it would be imho wildly romantic to do!
Sorry your sis and the H were selfish. That stinks.
I'm angry for you. I agree with lillindy.
Can you just elope like planned, soon? That is the part that is frustrating you anyway. Then use the money that has been thrown into the planned wedding, but scale it down where you can, to have a moderate reception. (Use the venue. If you put a deposit on cake and flowers, can you change the plans and scale it down?) That way, people who were invited would still get something. The money put in wouldn't be wasted. And you will be officially married, no matter what happens. It is tornado season..... I'm not sure if they have enough money to put in to the reception. But if they can swing it, I think it would be the best solution. Just my 2 cents.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. Your parents seem sweet but not the best at long-term planning (which describes many wonderful people!); your sister is a brat.
However...life is going to take care of your sister. Trust me. If she married a bum, she's not going to be happy. Imagine what it's going to be like for her looking at photos of her lavish wedding after a bad fight with her husband - or, worse yet, while going through a nasty divorce. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but it sounds to me as though she's going to reap the consequences of her behavior.
You, on the other hand, have a brain, common sense, and (I am guessing) a wonderful fiance. You are set for life in ways that your sister will never be. And, for better or for worse, I don't think confronting your parents will make either you or your parents feel better. Your parents screwed up. They KNOW they screwed up. They feel angry at themselves and guilty over your wedding (or lack thereof). Confronting them won't change anything or teach them anything. (If I had to guess, I'd say that your parents are very sad that they got the lavish wedding they wanted under such unpleasant circumstances, and want for you to have a lavish wedding to get the taint out of their mouths. But they don't have the funds, and you don't want the lavish wedding, so...)
If I were you, I would do one of two things (both of which have also been suggested in some form by others):
1) Go somewhere you've always wanted to go, and elope there. Then, when you get back, throw a big (casual) party for your loved ones. At the height of the party, offer to give a toast, and tell them how glad you are to have them with you as you move into your married life. Cue delighted shock and pandemonium. (Have photos of you kissing right after you were married to hand out for proof.)
2) Throw a big (casual) party for your loved ones. Arrange things in advance with an officiant. At the height of the party, tell everyone how glad you are that they could attend your wedding, then move to the officiant and start saying your vows. (Or, do some variation of this.) Cue delighted shock and pandemonium.
Either way, your official line should be, "You know, I wanted my sister to have her time to be The Bride, and when all that was over, I realized that her wedding was all the wedding that I needed. Fiance agreed. I'm so happy not to have to think about wedding planning any more! I just wanted to be my fiance's wife, and now I am."
Your coworkers will think it cool that you had such an offbeat wedding story. (If not, screw 'em; they'd find some reason to judge no matter what you did.) Your parents will be relieved (eventually, if not immediately). And your friends and other family members will take notice of the fact that, over the years, you are happy with your life and your marriage, and your sister is not. Your sister will be known as the girl who was All About The Wedding; you will be known as the woman who Knows What's Really Important in Life. Trust me - the surprise and specialness of eloping will be obvious. (And chic, given the economy!)
Best of luck. You found the right guy, and in the end, that's the only indispensible part of the whole process. :)
I'm so appreciative for all of your thoughtful suggestions. Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond. Considering the ups and downs of the last year, and the fact that I can't turn to family for answers, this has been amazingly helpful.
I'm thinking through some of the very creative alternatives suggested here, and hopefully, I'll get to be a Mrs. soon!
Thank you again for everyone's kind and helpful remarks.
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I'm in a quandry. It's a bit complicated. I'll try to keep it simple.
Part 1: TWO SISTERS' WEDDINGS
My younger sister and I got engaged at almost the same time. She beat me by a few months. We were both dead broke, but my parents insisted that they pay for our two weddings.
My (wonderful) fiance and I told my parents that we would just elope. No need to fork over a bunch of money for what would be just one day of our life. My parents, who are very traditional and big on ceremony, insisted on paying for our wedding. I told all my friends and started making some plans.
Part 2: WEDDING DELAYED
After my sister found out that I was engaged, she called me and threw a tantrum. She was furious that I was getting married and insisted on "going first," which meant waiting a minimum of one year before planning my own wedding.
I gave in -- partially for my parents, who could use some spacing between two such costly events.
Part 3: THE BUM
Last summer, parents recently threw a *lavish* wedding for my sister, who pretty much married a bum. The heartbreak of a ceremony -- literally, the whole family was in tears -- cost the 'rents upwards of $50K.
Part 4: The Economy
So what happened between the time my sister got married and my wedding date? (Which is just a month away.) THE ECONOMY.
My parents lost about half of all their assets in that time. They are really struggling.
Now, I'm in a terrible situation. Everyone has asked me about the wedding, and unfortuantely, it's been delayed. Indefinitely. I ask my parents about the wedding and suggest that maybe I should just elope. They evade the discussions. I'm sure that they're embarrassed, feel badly, and just don't want to be confronted about the situation.
I feel a mixture of emotions. Angry at my sister. Angry at my parents for raising my expectations (and for not being honest with me). Disappointed. Heartbroken. Embarrassed.
What I'm most angry about is the fact that elopment had always been an option. But the surprise and "specialness" of eloping is gone, now that the wedding has become so anticlimactic.
I really don't know what to do. It's been over two years since I got engaged and just the word "wedding" brings me to tears.
Anyone else out there cancelled their wedding because of recent events in the world economy? How did you handle it? What did you tell people?