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Hi Bees! How much do you think ones educational background factors in a relationship? Do you feel it's very important or rather inconsequential so long as both people in the relationship feel they are on the same level intellectually even if they may differ as far as their level of education? Do you and your FI have differing backgrounds not only insofar as education but the way you grew up?
I don't education matter that much. However I do think being on the same page in regards to hard work and motivation and also what you view to be a comfort point is important. I have a college degree and DH does not and I don't see our education difference to be a problem because we both have the same goals in life and are willing to work hard to achieve them. I know for me I could marry a guy with a graduate degree and if he was lazy there would be a huge problem in our relationship, much worse than having an education gap.
DH and I have differing levels of education at the moment. He has his Bachelors and I have my Masters. However, his job may require him to get his Masters at some point. I don't feel like it's had any impact on our relationship. I prefer to read and do crossword puzzles while he prefers to play hockey or video games but I think that is more about our personalities than our education levels. It's ironic because I have more education than him (and mroe debt), yet he's the one with a job....and even before I was laid off he made more than I will. Probably always will.
Ours is a funny situation.
I have a double B.A.
FI has a high school diploma.
FI makes about 3 times more an hour than I do. How? He got his engineering training through the Air Force. So although he does not hold a degree, he is a class 2 engineer.
I don't think education level matters as much as ambition and drive. We will both have law degrees, so we're on the same level, but it's more important to me that he has goals and is actively trying to reach them. If someone only needs a bachelor's degree to do what they want to do, then I wouldn't fault them for not having some kind of advanced degree just because I do.
@roxy821: I couldn't agree with you more!
I think that b/c both my hubby and me are motivated people, that we keep each other intellectually simulated. We have a lot in common and never tire of talking to each other. He has his masters while I stopped at my bachelors. We're both good at different things. I don't even pretend to know what in the world he's talking about when it comes to his masters in biology, and he doesn't pretend to know what I'm talking about when it comes to benefits and human resources. But...we're both able to explain what we do in laymen's terms for each other.
My fiance and I have extremely different educational backgrounds and I think this stems from us growing up in different economic classes.
My great-grandfather went to University in the early 1900s and every generation (on my father's side) since then has gone. My family has a lot of professionals like Laywers, Doctors, Biologists, Pilots, Engineers, etc. This background put a lot of pressure on my as a teen and I graduated with top honors. I have since gone on to University and my degree is almost complete :)
My fiance is one of few people to have graduated high school in his family. Of his three brothers he is the only one who graduated high school. Manual labour and trades are more common in his family. My fiance is a firefighter now.
When it comes to book smarts I definitely beat out my man, but he is much better at practical things than I am. We are a good balance and I think our differences just bring us closer. It is challenging sometimes when I want to speak about more complex theories and items in the news, but for the most part my man is really open to learning new things so this doesn't harm our relationship too much. We also have other things in common like our taste in music, our love of the outdoors, etc. We're a good mix :)
I agree that work ethic is far more important than whether one went to college or now. Personally speaking, I have my MA but had a hell of a time finding a job after I got laid off a year ago due to budget cuts. And I currently am making about $15K a year less than I should given my educational background. As an example, a friend of mine, however, has a high school degree and makes significantly more than I do. He also has a more driven work ethic than I do.
mrs.peters.to.be: I can relate to your background. I grew up being told that college was a MUST and discussing any alternatives after high school was not even to be considered. My parents have a somewhat skewed perspective on the value of a college degree these days. There are plenty of articles on the Net that detail how college degrees are often over-rated and do not in any way guarantee a well-paying job. I completed college and graduate school only to find that doors did not necessarily swing open for me once I entered the job market!
I have 2 BA's and DH is getting towards the end of his. He's taking a break to join the Navy, but has plans to finish his degree in the next few years. He's also planning on using his GI Bill money towards a Masters.
But, I agree with the PP's. I think it's way more important to be able to talk and communicate on the same level than whether or not you have the same degrees. In a lot of ways DH is much more intellectual. He can debate and argue WAY better than me, and he follows current events and stays up on what's happening in the world because he drives truck and listens to the news.
@SoontobeMrsA: How awesome. SO teaches at a charter school where you have to have been accepted to a college to graduate.
Honestly though? Not everyone NEEDS to go to college. Some people would be better off learning a trade. My cousin went to trade school to learn underwater welding. BANK.
I think education factors in in some ways... you can read statistics about it. But it honestly doesn't matter in my opinion. If you love that person, any educational differences, you can "make it work". For example, I am getting my Masters in May. My FI is still working on his Bachelors, and who knows when he will graduate with it. I think it bothers him at times that I will be making more money than him (most likely). But at the same time, we make a joke out of it and he's ok with it too. I'm not sure if that even makes sense... but we're fine :)
I personally would have a hard time dating someone who didn't do something after high school. I think it shows that you persevered through something that was hard. Education is important to me, but that's just me. That said, I have a doctorate, FI has a bachelor's. He's book smart, I'm more of the practical kinda smart. It works for us and I think finding that balance is more important than what letters go after your name.
Besides he still makes more than me. Jerk.
I think that educational levels can be a factor in a relationship because the experience is a part of a person. However, I do not feel it is the most important factor because educational levels are not what makes a person.
My FI and I both have our BAs. And while we both would also be earning our JDs right now, I decided to leave the legal field to become a teacher :) Have our educational similarities brought us together? I would like to think not, but you never know.
We've both had this discussion before, and while I feel education levels and compatibility are a little less tied together than he does, we both feel that the most important factor is something more innate. I think love can happen anywhere and with any two people, no matter their background.
Edit: To answer OP's last question--Interestingly enough, FI grew up very poor and I grew up middle-class. I respect him so much for all he has accomplished. I feel our differences in upbringing bring so much depth to our relationship.
We both have bachelor degrees. He plans to get his Masters of Business in a few years (kind of thing you need experience for) and I plan to get my masters in education or get a new bachelors in English- still deciding where I want to go with my career!
It depends how important education is to you, I suppose- and if they are successful, regardless of education. If Kingy was a successful carpenter (I have no idea if carpenters go to school, it was just an idea) with a hs diploma, I would think that was very commendable and would be just as satisfied with his success as his current success. I don't think I would marry someone without at least a high school diploma though, as I wouldn't want that to be the example set for my kids. I don't mean that to offend anyone, its just how I feel
I have a college degree and he does not. We both have good careerrs and earn about the same amount.
Education is important to both of us, but in todays world a college degree doesn't mean you have endless possibilities either. We are the same when it comes to work ethic, motivation, etc. and I think that is what makes our relationship work. We will encourage our children to attend college but it will ultimately be their choice. I come from a family of firefighters who have very successful careers and don't have a college degree.
FI and I both have the exact same degree-- Bachelor's in Elementary Education. I'm currently applying for grad school and he will probably further his education within the next 5-10 years because he eventually wants to be a school administrator. We both have goals we want to reach, which is what's important to me anyway.
I have a bachelors, masters, and half a PhD. My husband has 2 bachelors. We are evenly matched intellectually - we both spend a ridiculous amount of time reading up on and discussing current events. We almost always tie in strategy games. What's important, to me, is the desire to learn - whether it's formal or not!
I would tend to say it's not that important. I have two Bachelors degress and am starting my Masters next year; my SO just graduated high school. That doesn't mean he's not smart...there are so many things he can do that I can't do! I just happened to like school more.
He has a BA, I have a BA and JD. I don't think it matters. I'd say we both grew up similarly-- none of our parents have college degrees. He does always say I'm smarter than him but we're just better at different things. I'm a words girl, he's a numbers guy.
FH is in trade school for welding and I'm about to finish up my bachelors in molecular biology. I don't think our education level matters that much. We both graduated with honors from high school and we both love intellectual conversation (there's nothing like discussing theoretical physics over a hot pocket).
As far as background, neither of our families have too many college graduates. FFIL didn't finish high school and FMIL has a bachelors in nursing. My dad was the only person in my family with a college degree and he got that through the Air Force.
There are days when I will be talking with him, or just thinking and go to myself, "Wow, he's so much smarter than I am, and his family is well educated. I'm not good enough." I'm bad about that, but in the end our love is all that matters. I am trying to go back to school though, but he'll be graduated from college well before I finish.
I think that intellectual stimulation can play a role but not necessarily academic achievement levels.
I dated a guy in high school that was my academic opposite (in hindsight I wonder if he had an undiagnosed learning disability) and really did not work for us. I would get frustrated that he had no drive to learn and was unable to hold intellegent conversations about anything but baseball.
FH passed 14 AP exams in HS, has a BCS with two minors (bio and math), 3-4 credits shy of an equivalency of a BS in Bio-Informatics, and 9 or so credits towards a MCS. He is smart. I do love that about him, and that we can have discussians about everything from theology to history and politics. I will likely end up with more degrees than him (to be truely employable in my field a MA is pretty much required, and a PhD is recommended as you get older) but because we are on close to the same level intellectually that isn't an issue. I will readily admit that his IQ is higher (and that he probably would have annoyed me in high school) but I was able to get some enrichment growing up as I benefitted from a mother who was working towards her MA in childhood literacy and was an advocate for my brother's and my gifted program.
I don't think it makes that much of a difference. My husband was homeschooled his whole life. It's hard sometimes for him to relate to certain things that I would think of as typical to a high school experience. We both went to college and graduated with a BA [me in Education and him in Business Management] but I lived on campus all four years and was highly involved in campus life and he went to a junior college and then transferred to another university while still living at home. I don't think it's made any major differences. He's a pretty normal homeschooler :)
Me and my husband come from completely different backgrounds, but manage to meet somewhere in the middle. I grew up in Turkey in a relatively conservative culture, had a pretty well to-do family, travelled quite a bit, excelled academically, went to the best schools possible, skipped a grade, moved to the US and completed my MBA before I turned 21. When we met I was 30, had an established career making a six figure salary. He grew up in the valley (suburb of LA), never travelled outside the country, lost his dad at an early age and was raised by single mom, with tight finances barely making ends meet, with much more lax morals and values than I did, went to public schools, had to work through high school and college and didn't really care much about education. When we met he was 23 working as a security guard making 20% of what I was making, still trying to get through community college. I think meeting me made him set his goals higher. Six years later he has his 4-year bachelor's degree and a pretty good career in information technology. The gap in our salaries have lessened. We travel and experience things together. We still butt heads on the cultural and moral stuff sometimes, but we work through it.
We probably would've never been matched on an online dating service so it's a good thing we met in person :)
I think being on the same intellectual level is extremely important, but as far as formal education, no, I don't think it makes any difference. I'll be getting my A.S. this June, and SO will be getting his B.S. this May (5 more weeks aaahh!!) and it honestly is a complete nonissue. I never really gave it a second thought before this post! We both already have great jobs which we love in our chosen fields, and we're both satisfied with our educations, and that's what matters.
@meliss: Wow, what a sweet sweet story!
I come from a culture that values education so much it's unbelieveable. My country did not get into formal education till my mother's generation. That doesn't mean that folks didn't go to University before then, just that it wasn't as rampant. My parents' generation were the first. As it is, my mother's family are all college grads with half of them having graduate degrees. My dad's family, only half have college education, the other half have community college degrees. But on my mum's side, all my cousins have college degrees or more. My own siblings all have graduate degrees except my brother who is in high school. I've dated someone who had a high school diploma but I was young and stupid and not open minded enough and it didn't work (various factors contributed to this). I think I've been brainwashed though. I honestly have never even considered dating someone who did not have a college degree. I wonder what I could have missed out on :( FI has two college degrees and a graduate degree and is getting an MBA....I hope our kids inherit his brains!!
I tend to think having a similar lifestyle is more important than your education level (some careers just require a certificate, if that, while others require a master's degree, so you could both have steady careers but way different education level).
My mom had a masters degree and my dad just had a high school diploma and they've been married over 27 years now :-)
Do we have differing backgrounds not only insofar as education, but the way we grew up? YES!!!
I have a B.S. Degree, FI has a GED. Talk about a difference in formal education!
We grew up verrry differently. I was raised in a comfortable, Catholic and very stable middle class home. Education was a priority, and going to college after high school was just understood as a natural and expected circumtance without having to be so much as said. We never had any family drama, even as far as extended family goes. We took family outings to educational places all the time. Grew up in Annapolis, MD ("city life" as FI calls it).
FI on the other hand, grew up in a trailer in the sticks of Louisiana with his granparents and two of his five siblings. They were poor, and stayed with the gparents until about 11 y/o when they started bouncing between their alcoholic/abusive father and their mother and stepdad (who could be bothered with their delinquencies) as well as moving in with an older sibling here or there (FI is the youngest). Needless to say, with all the moving around and his tumultuous family life (which I won't get into), finishing high school just didn't happen (for him and for quite a few of his siblings/neices/nephews/parents(?)).
He did get his GED, though, and had enough ambition and motivation to want to work hard and work well to move up. He worked his way up through every position in the towboat industry from deckhand to tankerman to engineer to the wheelhouse where he now runs as relief captain.
I went to college to get my coast guard license, so I went straight into the wheelhouse (without having to work my way up over the years like FI did), and that is where we met: at work, as equals of position. He was sharp as a tack and had a great sense of humor. Very professional and took his job very seriously. Everyone liked him, and what do you know- I did, too. :)
He is also 13.5 years older than me, so any lack in formal education he has he has made up for with plenty of practical/life experience. He has converted to being Catholic (his choice). We balance each other out really well and actually fit really well together. We have th same morals, life goals and desires despite our differences in growing up. I wish he had the opportunity to go to college, because he loves to learn and I think he would have rocked it.
I guess our biggest noticeable difference is the way we talk. I love proper grammar, and FI speaks with that typical country way of saying things that grates on my soul (seen vs. saw, don't vs. doesn't, etc..). But that's the biggest thing and he is trying to work on it. :)
My blackberry is not letting me edit my post, but a few corrections:
*grandparents
*couldn't be bothered with
And also wanted to add that our salraries are very even, but he makes a bit more than I do, and we would be very comfortable living on his salary alone. So my vote is that the amount of education each person has is not that big of a factor as long as they are the right person for you. <3
@mrs.peters.to.be: My fiance and I are different in the same way, except I am a first generation college student. We are ok with the different educational backgrounds, though I will always support him if he ever wants to try to go back to school its certainly not anything I am worried about. We share many things, and my FH like yours is the more practical of us both.
I feel strongly about both education and motivation. I have always been attracted to guys that I find mentally simulating. In my last relationship, before DH, I felt like I was the smarter one in the relationship and that didn't work for me although my ex was career motivated and even went on to grad school for a double Masters, because I wanted an intellectual challenge. DH and I met while doing our MBA so education essentially brought us together. I would not have married a man who didn't have a useful college degree and motivation. I come from a blue collar background even though both of my parents have some college education and my SAHM has a B.S. in accounting. I always wanted to break that cycle and thus far, education has been the big difference. I hope it will lead to a sucessful career. In hindsight, I realize that college is not for everyone and I see that my brother has a sucessful career as an electrician without a degree but he has a strong work ethic and has been working 40+ hours since the age of 18. I also realize many college degrees are useless in the current job market.
FI works in IT, and he says certifications are more important than a 4 yr BA. He studied for 6 months, got his A+ and CCNA certs and is now working in his dream job. I want to teach college, so I still have 4 more years and two advanced degrees to attain. Sometimes I'm really jealous that he just had to take a couple of tests (granted really brutal tests) for a few hundred dollars, and I still have so much schooling left. There are times when he is jealous because I will have degrees. We both realize that the requirements for our dream jobs are very different, though.
Hubs always knew he was going to be a mechanic, so he got his high school diploma and stopped there. I didn't know what I wanted to do, but was always told by my parents that college was a must (neither went, and they are seriously screwed now with little option because of it) so I got my BS last year, but probably won't go any further if I stay in the field I'm in now. I don't think anything different of my hubs for not having a college degree, cuz he's smart as hell when it comes to cars, and no matter what, his profession will alway be in demand.
My ex and I had completely different educational backgrounds and motivation to get education. When I was dating him, I was getting my masters and he had his high school diploma. It really bothered me, I felt like I was going to have to support us our whole lives and that stressed me out. I just didn't feel safe and secure with him. It was especially annoying b/c I was studying all the time and trying so hard to do well in school, and he just didn't care about school. We just weren't on the same page.
My husband and I both have the same amount of education, and I think that helps.
well...Mr.TKE has a master's degree and 2 bachelors degrees...I am a college drop-out. Sometimes I feel left-out on conversations and feel like I'm not as intellectually advanced as him. I think having similar education is nice, but definitely not a requirement.
@MissHoneyBun: tell me more about this charter school! I'm looking into charter schools for my daughter and would love to hear about the one he works in to see how the ones up here compare.
Education level isn't a requirement for our relationship. I'm finishing up my AA degree while SO has a AS. I am a four year school dropout just because I couldn't afford it and the school wasn't a right fit. SO just didn't want to continue on but now he has to go back to get his BS because of work. So inevitably we both will be attaining our bachelor's. I don't think I'll go back for a few years though.
To us, education level doesn't matter. But SO gets a little upset because he thinks I'm so much smarter than him and he calls himself stupid a lot. It makes me upset because he's definitely not stupid.
I do believe that education has at least some part to play in how well you connect. Because you can talk about worldly matters that you are both familiar with. Otherwise it would be a lopsided conversation.
Though this is not the only part in your relationship. Above all, you need to think alike and also have the same level of sensibility. (I.e. if you are both dumb, then it'll work out just fine too.)
My FI's bro married someone who did have the same education as him. They met in class in college. However, in terms of having the same kind of thought process, this girl is completely off. BIL regrets having married her. She is lazy, shows off a lot, does not do any activities with BIL, the BIL does all the housework too (laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc.) SIL works from home and does a clerical job, yet does not find the time to even fix herself up, let alone fix up the home. If both were pigs, however, this would probably work out just fine.
Point being, BIL thought he would have a great relationship with SIL purely because she was in the same classes as him and therefore 'thinks' like him. He liked another girl who would have been more compatible to him, however since she was in different classes (same college), he felt she won't think like him.
@sasha2011 -- loved your post; made me chuckle. To OP: interesting question that got me thinking. Our educational levels - mine and DH's - are very different, as well as our socio-economic backgrounds, religions, how we were raised and so forth. These differences were very evident from the start -- and I'm not going to say the lines have blurred; in fact, they're as pronounced as ever. Sometimes it works, sometimes I feel it doesn't. And I think he feels that way too.
On the positive side, neither of us is lazy, both have really strong ethics, and moral and material values, respect for our jobs and for others, etc. We are deeply, passionately in love and intimate. There's more on the plus side I know but I want to get to some of the tougher stuff now.
On the negative side - though we love each other and are very attracted to each other, we have little else in common. I work in international relations, he works in retail and though every lady can talk about shopping he is not the least bit interested in world politics. Similarly, I could care less about the baseball trades, especially off season! What happens is... well... I slip into easy, lazy mode at home (oh the place looks beautiful and all). We watch dumb TV, often different dumb stuff in separate rooms (!) and though I bug the hell outa him trying to plumb the depths of his psyche (lol - another passion of mine) we otherwise keep it fairly light. I feel guilty about this dumbing-down of my household (though I know he wouldn't stop me from watching news all night; just don't want to as much now), and I do get frustrated with all the wrestling and baseball on TV and all the darn TV every second that we're home. I didn't grow up this way and my Mom is still the most avid reader I know. So.... there's that about our different educational levels. sigh. Just sharing...
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