Post # 1
How do you approach your DH or SO about something that is bothering you?
Lately my DH has really been getting on my nerves. I’ve asked him to do something (clean the litter box, empty the dish washer or hang the clothes to dry) and I have to repeat it 2-3 times over the course of a day before it gets done. Eventually he gets exasperated and says “I’m going to do it” in an annoyed tone. This drives me up the wall because he never has to repeat himself when he asks me to do something. We’ve also had to clear up some things about money and he tends to leave the room or says I’ll handle it and voilà, nothing gets done.
I don’t know how to approach him anymore. I grew up in a home where my mom’s opinion was overruled simply because she was a woman and didn’t bring in the bulk of the household income. Unfortunately, I’ve noticed that I’m become self-effacing and resigned individual like her. I’ve tried to observe my in-laws and, they’re not a good example either. Please help!
Post # 3
My exH was the type where if I mentioned he needed to do something more than once, he’d say “You don’t have to tell me again….I’m not 5 years old.” So I just started leaving him lists of things that needed to be done on the fridge. Passive aggressive I know but it worked.
DH is opposite….he has a horrible memory and b/c I’ve been “trained” by my exH, I tell him to do something once and then I’ll wind up doing it. He gets really mad when I do and says “Hey, didn’t you tell me to do that?” We were having issues w/this so I flat out asked him what I should do about it.
He has a running list of things HE needs to do himself but I also add things all the time. Now that I know he won’t be upset if I ask him 5 times, I do….not in a nagging way but I just say “hey, dishwasher’s clean again…can you empty it?”
Maybe ask your DH how HE would like you to approach these things. I honestly thought I was “nagging” DH but he told me “PLEASE tell me again and again until I do it!” And the list thing helps b/c he tries to accomplish as much on it as possible.
Post # 4
ITA about asking him how he wants you to remind him. I did this. I have a habit of urping things out as I think of them so I don’t forget. Dh hears DO THIS NOW.
So I asked him what would work best and it turned out he wants a list of tasks via em. He’s very visual and can prioritize beter that way when he mentally sets up his day.
And don’t forget, the poor dears cannot multitask.
Post # 5
@abricot_chat: if this is the dynamic you’ve had your whole relationship, is it fair to ask him to change now? I think he deserves a frank conversation about what you’d like to chamge. If you aren’t happy with his response perhas this isn’t the relationship for yall.
A counselor/minister might assist in sorting these things out.
Post # 6
I’d also like to add, before this becomes a male trashing thread, my SO has no problem doing anything himself. He litens, often better than I do. He isn’t lazy either. Men are not by nature any different than women when it comes to sharing work.
Post # 7
@sassy411: DH has been attempting to “perfect” his list-making for the last month. I do it on a spreadsheet that is linked to our emails. And you are so right about them not being able to multi-task. Sometimes DH has to slow me down when I talk b/c I bring up 5 separate issues in the same convo….I’m learning that if I want his full attention I need to talk about ONE thing at a time.
Post # 8
Thank you all for your replies!
@texasbee: Actually, I will ask him how he wants me to ask him to do things. I think making a list is a great idea! I made him one of things to do while I was away a few weeks ago and everything got done. I should really write down everything that works and doesn’t work in our relationship as a reference.
subtlebee: It’s too late! We’re married.
Post # 9
@abricot_chat: Read “The five love languages” – it’ll take you an hour or so to finish the book – its 13 dollars at meijers. I have been doing the things for 8 days and I cannot believe the response it has gotten. I may have even figured out how to get him to read the book too so we can work on our communication together (it was not easy though lol).
Post # 10
I think you may need a chore chart. Leave a list of things that need to get done regularly on the fridge. Initial and date every time you do something. You’ll notice he’ll start chipping in as soon as he sees how much and how frequently you do things.
Post # 11