Elope in secrecy- anyone do it or thought about it?

posted 2 years ago in Elopement
Post # 2
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

My husband and I thought about it doing it on Leap Day February 29, 2012 just because we felt really overwhelmed with the wedding plans and thought it would be nice to do something with just the two of us.  Ultimately we decided against it and I’m glad we were able to have our ceremony and celebrate in front of all of our friends and family.

I know this is not the case with everyone, but I remember thinking on my wedding that I would have felt a bit silly having a ceremony and having my father give me away if I were already married.  Like it was all for show.

Post # 3
667 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June, 2014

coffeedrinker:  my husband and I definitely considered doing this! Especially when we got to the last few months before the wedding when I was considering running just so I wouldn’t have to deal with any more details!

I asked if we could just go to Vegas for a week, have a simple but elegant (and cheap) ceremony there, by ourselves, and then come back and celebrate with family and friends. Then my husband said that if we were going to do that, we should just keep it secret for a few months and go through with the actual planned “wedding” but by then the pressure would be off and we could focus more on the reception than the “wedding”. 

In the end we didn’t go through with it. I personally didn’t feel comfortable omitting the truth from my mom. But if this is the best decision for you and your FI, and you want to keep your marriage secret for the next year till you can celebrate with friends and family, do it! There are days that I wish I had!

Post # 5
2698 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

coffeedrinker:  My step daughter did this and then let everyone know on facebook.

Post # 6
3217 posts
Sugar bee

Do it if you think it is the best option for you guys.  But, and it’s a big but, don’t lie about it.  Since you are only inviting your nearest and dearest, they will presumably understand and support you.  However if they found out later you “tricked” them they could be displeased. 

I would also caution you that many officiants will not perform a “real” marriage ceremony if you are already married.  Many will not allow for the traditional vows (though some may) or “by the power vested in my by….I now pronounce you man and wife” So it is likely that any guest who is actually paying attention will catch on, and then not understand why you would lie to them.

Why would you want to lie?  Think it won’t be as special?  Think you won’t get as many gifts?  That people won’t be as excited about a renewal or a reception?  I think you need to figure out what the reason you would want to lie to your closest family friends, and then determine if it’s worth it.

Post # 9
1649 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I’m a younger bride and seriously considering it. FI’s family and my family are just so different and I know once they meet they won’t get along and may try to break us apart. If we’re already married they won’t be able to do that. I wouldn’t want to tell family or friends either for the same reason as you. To me a marriage isn’t complete until the ceremony is finished so legal marriage is just a formality and I know family and friends won’t take our ceremony as seriously if they know we were previously married.


I also figure since we don’t have a mortgage, major bills in our name, passports, etc, this will be easier than getting my name changed on everything in the future.


I’m still on the fence regarding the repercussions in case anyone finds out but if I’m strong enough to go through with this it’ll be at the end of the summer. 

Post # 10
3217 posts
Sugar bee

coffeedrinker:  If you think older family members will not agree or be as supportive as you would like, then think about how huge that asterisk is going to be when they found out you lied to them about what they were attending.

Your relationship is solely your business, until you invite people into it.  Inviting them to a “wedding” if it is not a wedding (which will be the opinon of some) gives them some level of it becoming their business.

People will look at your ceremony differently at a renewal or blessing or comittment ceremony because it is different.  Different isn’t good or bad, it’s just different.  I’m also not sure why dressing up and saying vows in front of loved ones when they are not really valid (except on a personal level, but that could be achieved in your living room) is less of a formality.

People think these things will stay secrets, but unless you both are 100% perfect about never mentioning it to anyone, people will find out.  People will blab because they won’t understand why you would need to lie.  Because if you need to lie about it, then you are telling them that you didn’t trust they would support you, or be happy enough, or not think differently of the ceremony.  So you tricked them to get the reaction you hoped they’d get through deceiving them. 

If you go ahead do so knowing that when (not if, when) people find out, that you are ready for the fall out and hurt feelings.

I am putting these things out there for you to consider, not because it matters to me.  Ultimately it doesn’t matter to me what you do.


Post # 11
1622 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Cape May

I would recommend it. We are eloping but everyone knows, so it’s not a secret for us. Originally we had planned a bigger reception in which all of our money and some would be affording just the venue alone. We finally decided to cancel the reception and elope on the beach in a simple ceremony. You have to do what’s important to you- at the end of the day it’s about you and your FI.

Post # 12
8847 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

Thought about this for health insurance purposes and then didn’t need to, and I’m really glad we didn’t. I would have had a hard time keeping a secret like that from everybody in the midst of the wedding week preparations, and it was pretty great to *actually* get married on our wedding day. 

Gotta do what you gotta do though. I personally wouldnt risk dealing with it unless you reallllly had to. IMO getting on health insurance for an expensive and necessary procedure is a good reason, being married a few months early for tax purposes isn’t. 

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