- 6 years ago
- Wedding: August 2016
It being fathers day and my getting engaged last month, we couldn’t have a nice day together without me being interrogated about my wedding plans.
My parents were neglectful and abusive for much of my life, they were partly complicit in me suffering sexual abuse from someone else. I had mental health problems from it and a lot of therapy to deal with it. When I was twenty, they divorced, both remarried within two years. I get on well with my stepdad. Things with my stepmother have improved, but have always been fraught. I have worked hard to forgive my parents (despite no real amends being made on their parts) for my own sanity, but I have to have very firm boundaries with them both as they both continue to disrespect my independence.
Right from when me and my FI started talking weddings, it seemed clear that eloping was the best plan. We don’t have much money (neither do my parents,so they wouldn’t be funding it.) His parents disapprove of us and would be unlikely to attend a wedding. I don’t want a big wedding, we have big families and the stress of planning some monster wedding would make me go mad.
When we got engaged last month and were honest with our elopement plans, most people were supportive. My father however, took me to task today for a couple of hours about how he *has* to be there on my wedding day (we plan on going to NY and marrying there.) I explained how awkward I feel at having family together in one room that haven’t spoken for years, all the divorce memories, my difficult feelings about my family etc. I told him we planned a celebration part when we got back, which we wanted him to a be a part of.
He thinks I need to get over my fears and that I’m not giving my family a chance to be there for me. This family, him in particular, is unreliable, messy, prone to fall outs, manipulative and has a really horrible history. Not what I want on my wedding day. He takes very little interest in my life and puts his wife above me even when I need him. It seems like even now, with all the healing that has been done, our entre relationship is on his terms and he is always hurting me. I’m not sensitive or a drama queen, I work hard to give him the benefit of the doubt, but my brother agrees, my Dad is a jerk a lot of the time.
I left the conversation feeling beaten down, as he and my stepmother and their friend all berated me. I just emailed him to explain firmly and finally that no, family wouldn’t be at the wedding ceremony, that is what is right for me. I am know I am in for a massive guilt trip.
I want my wedding day to be me and my honey, celebrating in the big apple. I want to think about us and our future together. I don’t want to be anxious and feeling responsible for my family members, who have never and will never get on. To be honest, what me and my FI have together feels like ‘family’ I can count on him in a way I could never count on my family. My FI has taught me what trust and safety is. I love them and I don’t want to exclude them from the celebrations, I just really don’t want them there at that moment.
Am I a bad person?