Eloping Before the Wedding

posted 2 years ago in Elopement
Post # 2
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

This is a very long post about wanting to have your cake and eat it too. I don’t really have anything helpful to contribute. It bothers me a bit that you and a friend had to talk your FI into this. There are ways to get depression treatment without awesome insurance.

Post # 4
Member
5228 posts
Bee Keeper

ElleBelle42:  This is a hot topic on this site. Get ready for some honest opinions. Mine first:

You need to tell people that you are getting married now. There is nothing wrong with what you are doing, but by not telling people and letting them think your May ceremony is your first ceremony, you are being deceptive.

Post # 5
Member
1119 posts
Bumble bee

MsW-to-MrsM:  this is a very long post about someone struggling with depression trying to find a way to get help. Maybe you could be helpful by telling her what the ways you mention to get help without awesome insurance are. I don’t know how health care works in the US so can’t.

ElleBelle42:  I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this but glad you are trying to get help

Post # 6
Member
262 posts
Helper bee

aside from the basic response you will get here about how its a sham to elope first and keep it secret, know this.  if you do it now, do it for the reason you choose, paperwork.  dress in a cute white summer dress, normal hair & makeup, maybe some lashes, do a dinner date, get some cupcakes, the end.  dont work hard to make this moment special if your marriage will be celebrated in May, this is just paperwork, you dont get 2 days, so pick which you want to make a big deal.  we are doing somethign similar.

enjoy the ability to be happy & healthy.  know that a legal marriage now means your officiant in May will know the truth because he has to sign the license, that you wont have.  so there is that to worry about.  

Post # 7
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Sliding scale fees and corporate sponsored meds. Plus, she has insurance through her parents. She might just have to drive a bit to find an in-network provider.

Post # 8
Member
262 posts
Helper bee

on a side note, even medicating the depression may not help if you constantly have feelings of hiding it from your family.  it only makes you feel like there is something “wrong” with you.  thats not fair and isn’t a good format for getting better.  consider talking to them, you’re an adult, they love you, give it a shot.  

 

i support eloping before marriage, if its what you want.  but talking FH into it, is kinda rough.  put that same effort into sharing your story with your folks.  it may help.  

Post # 9
Member
2565 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

From what I have read, the Catholic Church will not perform a wedding ceremony if you are already married.  So if you need to be married now, you will have to plan a convalidation with the church which is quite different from a wedding. 

Post # 10
Member
2397 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

ElleBelle42:  I think it’s a grand idea, esp with the insurance issues you said you are having being on your parents insurance. I would get a nice white dress, pay for your air & makeup, go out to dinner afterwards and don’t skimp on dessert! However, I would be honest with your families about the whole thing. My family also has a huge stigma re mental health and we just recently realized how much harm it has caused those dealing with it such as my grandmother. We have been making an effort to be more open and accepting of it and it really does make a difference to her now that she doesnt have to hide it. I really feel like no matter how many therapists you see & how many pills you pop, if you feel like there is something wrong with you that you need to hide from your support system it will not improve your condition. 

I would also speak directly with your church about this before you go through with it. From what  Iunderstand a good deal of catholic churches will not marry you in the church if you elope first, but different locations/priests/denominations always have different rules. You don’t want to find out after the fact that you cannot get married in your church now… 

Finally, I wish you the best of luck whatever you two decide to do- and I hope you are able to get healthy soon! =)

Pretty much all stores should have nice white summer dresses in stock now that summer is in full swing! I’d visit a few department stores like target, kohls, macy’s etc. and see if you find anything you like there. I found a nice white sundress for my reception at Rue 21 for like $12! 

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by  .
Post # 12
Member
12 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I did a jop ceremony before the tradionAL catholic ceremony. We set a date planned a wedding and 2 months before the big day wefound out dh was deploying to Afghanistan before the wedding. We decided it was important for us to be married before he left. We still did a traditional catholic ceremony 1 year later. I think the key is honesty.  Everyone knew our situation and didn’t bat an eye at our decisions and frankly everyone would have been more upset if we opted out of the traditonal ceremony all together because religion is important. I’m sorry you feel the way you feel but don’t feel bad about eloping first. I do think you should be honest with everyone though. 

Post # 13
Member
1566 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

ElleBelle42:  First off: Depression stinks. It’s good to find a way to get help.

You will have to have a convalidation ceremony in the Catholic Church, since you will already be legally married. Some parishes will welcome the full wedding affair, some will require a smaller ceremony. It’s really up to the parish.

Through therapy, you may find that the stigma and shame you are putting on yourself by way of continuing to hide this experience from your family is unnecessary. While your family may take time to accept that depression is real, you are doing yourself a disservice by propagating and intensifying the shame on yourself for having depression. As you work through it, please try to work on accepting it as a part of you. It is nothing to be ashamed of, especially since you are working at healing and mitigating its effects.

Take care. And honesty will always be the best route, even if it’s difficult.

Post # 14
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Op, the day you get married is your wedding day. You don’t get two unless you divorce in the middle. The Catholic Church will convalidate your marriage, but will not perform a sham cermony. Most will limit the amount of guests, won’t allow a wedding party, etc. 

My advice? Get married, send out a wedding announcement and plan a celebration in your hometown for the next year. No church ceremony (unless you want to do the convalidation one), just a reception where you celebrate your marriage. But do not, I repeat, DO NOT lie to your guests about being married. What’s the point? Get married now, own it, and have a big party next year. But no lying and no do-over day where you pretend you are a bride. You won’t be, you will be a wife.

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