Post # 1
Sorry this post is so long!
I always knew that a big wedding was not in my future, for several reasons but, I was happy with that and FI was happy about that also. I was adopted and my adoption broke down when I was 12 years old and communication between my adopted family and I ceased 14 years ago so I wouldn’t have a single family member there. My FI has a very small family that are not close at all, his family has an overwhelming amount of nasty drama- several family members are not on speaking terms but claimed they would be “civil” the day of the wedding, obviously people barely being civil is not what you want during your weding reception! We would rather save the money and spend it on a wonderful vacation and elope during it- we would have been paying for the whole wedding ourselves. People didn’t seem too interested overall or offer to help in any way (other than one of his wonderful cousins coming dress shopping with me an being a great help), granted almost everyone lives in another state from us. Honestly, FI an I always wante to elope from the start however F.M.I.L insisted that she “must be at the wedding regardless or when and where it is” etc…
Sooo, after FI proposed we decided it would be best for us/his Mother to have a small wedding (40 ppl) to please his Mother and avoid her being upset in any way, FI is the oldest of three sons and first to marry so I understood why she was so heart set on being there and we truly took her feelings in to mind when deciding what to do even although it wasn’t what we really wanted, I didn’t want to enter my “new family” on bad terms. So we started to plan, booked ceremony site, spent countless hours researching reception sites and were about to book one along with a caterer, I purchased a dress an veil, we booked the minister and bagpiper and had invested so much time in to other details such as invites etc… and then out of the blue F.M.I.L announced that she was unable to make the wedding, she didn’t call us to tell us this, we had called her for something and she just casually mentioned it half way through the phonecall like it was no big deal…….I was disappointed and hurt and I know that FI was pretty upset and embarrassed even if he didn’t say much. So we cancelled everything, luckily all we lost out in was $50 (PHEW!) everyone else returned ALL the money but my dress just hangs there as a constant reminder. 😛 So we are eloping but I have a feeling that F.M.I.L is going to be upset when she finds out we got married without her present even although we feel completly justified to do so because she couldn’t make it to her own sons after she was perfectly aware of the plans etc from the get go- very odd and quite frankly I’m really annoyed at her but neither FI an I have said anything to this day about it (this happened about five or six months ago). F.M.IL has possible symptoms of alzheimer’s so I take that in to consideration and be mindful that she is not necessarily in her right mind, this is why we haven’t said anything to her but then I get irritated and remind myself that it wasn’t because she forgot about the wedding or wedding details, she just said she couldn’t make it to Ohio for the wedding, even although this was a year out from the date. I feel so horrible about myself for holding on to such resentment. Other than this I have a good relationship with F.M.I.L. I don’t know if I’m looking for advice or just a few ears to vent to. I feel like it’s eating away at me but, I feel that it would be wrong of me to bring it up and tell her how I feel for fear of hurting her feelings. FI is such a laid back guy and he doesn’t hold a grudge and is incredibly forgiving, maybe I should take a leaf from his book. Maybe I’m jumping the gun but does anyone have any suggestions as to what to say if she gets upset after we elope?
Post # 3
I think you should elope. It’s what you both wanted from the start. You did it her way and planned a wedding and she bailed, her fault not yours.
I would elope somewhere and share the news upon return from your honeymoon. If she gets upset explain you planned the wedding she wanted and she bailed so you wanted to get married. Whats done is done so she’ll just need to get over it.
Post # 4
100% agree with Soon2beeMrsM!
Post # 5
I think it is your fiance’s job to worry about how his mom will feel, not yours. So if he is ok eloping without his mother, then just go for it.
What do you have planned for the elopement? Are you going to go to town hall or some exotic location? One idea would be to elope out of the country and then have it made legal at the court house with his mother present.
But I think since you already tried once to involve her, you have done enough. Now you can just do what you want.
Post # 6
We just decided to cancel our wedding and elope as well. Not because of FMIL, but more for financial reasons and partly due to FFIL, too.
She won’t be able to say much after you elope. She can be happy for the two of you and move on or not. Your wedding should be about the two of you and celebrating your marriage. She made it clear she couldn’t participate, so do what makes your heart sing and don’t worry about anyone else.
Post # 7
Eloping sounds like the way to go. Where in Colorado will you be marying?
Post # 8
Thanks all for the reassurance. I have only shared this with a couple of friends an my FI and they are supportive also, FI is excited actually about eloping- most guys would be I think.
Jacqi: Good point about FI dealing with her Mum.
arizonabride: Nice to see a fellow elopee on here, we are few and far between around here it seems. What are your elopement plans?
teaadntoast: We plan eloping to Colorado and using this company: http://www.elopeincolorado.com/
We would go to Colorado for two weeks and snowboard, go dog sledding, snowshoeing, see the sights and get married! We both love the outdoors and snowboarding and FI is a big fan of winter weather so this would happen in winter time. We are both excited! So you guys think it would be best to tell his Mother before we elope so that I’m not worried during vacation about returning and telling her?
Post # 9
I wanted to elope, but we’re having a wedding of 80-90 for his mom! She was so upset when he told her we were eloping she cried and said he is her only son and its not fair for her not to see him get married. So since she is going through depression, we are doing it for her but mostly of course for ourselves. And we are paying for everything ourselves!
Post # 10
@Leafy, I don’t think I would tell her before, just because she might ruin your happiness with pleas to reschedule your wedding etc. I think you should go, enjoy yourself and have your FI tell her upon return. It is his mother so he should be the one primarily dealing with her tantrums.
Post # 11
I sort of eloped. We were planning a wedding and it just got out of control so we decided to get married 2 weeks later. We had a few friends and a few family members with us at the court house during the ceremony. After the ceremony we took everyone out to dinner. It was amazing. Why not consider asking her and a few others to come? If they don’t they don’t but atleast they won’t be upset with you. Good Luck!
Post # 12
Thanks Ladies. :)Those of you who said that FI should tell his Mother are right and I’ve informed FI that he will have this task. Heehee.
mkat88: I do like your idea and we had considered doing that. His Mother lives in California and we currently live in Michigan so if she was to come it would be more than her just coming for dinner, she would stay for several days minimum. FI is hopefully getting ordrs to California in Feb of 2011 but honestly, we don’t wnat to wait that long. Plus, I already feel like we gave her an option to come to the wedding, if she can’t make that I doubt she will come for a dinner, ya know? We’ve decided that we should just do what we want and stop trying to please everyone else. I figure that people are always going to be annoyed about something, may as well give them something to be annoyed about.
Post # 13
Given that you both origianlly wanted to elope, and the current family situations, I would definitely elope.
FI and I are both the first weddings in each of our families, and we ended up planning a big wedding instead of eloping like we both wanted. I’m mostly on board now, but have finally had to stop daydreaming about scraping all of our plans to elope now that invitations are in the mail.
I would do what you both want to. Especially if you are paying for the wedding. You should have what you want for your wedding.