Post # 1
At this point I’m not sure what to do. I’ve always wanted to elope. I’ve never been the girl to “plan” my wedding as a child. I never thought about it because it didn’t matter. I’ve never understood large weddings because that’s not what I want. I hate being the center of attention and would say I’m generally awkward around people.
Eloping went out the window because it seemed like our families were hurt so we decided 15 people or less, then it became 30 people or less, then it became 60 people or less. THEN the place we booked realized they double booked for the day. Easy and early enough to change but FI’s sister lives in another country and that would literally be the only day she could make it. Problematic because our siblings were going to be our wedding party. If she’s not there, he has no one standing up for him as the bridal party.
Before the venue realized they had double booked weddings, we told our families. My dad’s response to having 60 people was, “Only 60? I thought you could book more rooms for 120 people, we should do that.” What? “We” should do that? Are you paying for the extra people? No. I keep trying to meet half way but it hasn’t been good enough.
Now I’m back at wanting to elope. I told my parents we are going to have a wedding with just us two and now my dad’s telling me to let them know the day, they’ll take off any day and come to us (we live 2.5 hours away from my parents) so they can be there. My brother’s getting married next year as well (my mom told me we couldn’t marry before them since we got engaged a week after they did–that ruined the engagement high). My dad was saying that at my brother’s wedding he’s “just the groom’s dad” but at my wedding he’ll be the “bride’s dad” and basically said he wants to be the center of attention. I don’t want this to be “his day” and it reinforces why I want to have a wedding with just us two.
So LONG story not short (sorry ladies) I don’t want to tell them when we’re getting married. At all. I do not want to tell my parent’s anything. I don’t want to push anyone’s buttons by marrying before my brother and I don’t want to deal with the stress that is my father. FI says he’s telling his family but I don’t want to take the chance that my parent’s will show up unannounced.
I’m not sure what to do any more. I want to include my family but my father doesn’t understand boundaries and what’s appropriate and what’s not. I don’t know how to tell them with him understanding there are boundaries I don’t want crossed here. Do I tell them and chance that they’ll show up or do I tell them after the fact?
Eloping should not be this stressful.
Post # 4
Eloping CAN be stressful because of the aftermath of hurt family members.
My husband and I eloped to get away from our overbearing mothers, who would not listen to us when we expressed our wedding wishes.
My in-laws were very supportive after we eloped, but my family cut me off for almost a year. They felt like the elopement was a slap in the face.
I have a lot of sympathy for your situation and I wouldn’t bother to tell your family the date.
Just elope and get some nice pictures.
Post # 5
@NorthCoastLife: Is your FI okay with eloping, just the two of you?
Then you schedule a GREAT vacation, get married the day before you leave or while you’re there, and tell everyone you got married when you get back!
Post # 6
I’d wait until after your bro gets married (since getting married first is a big deal to him but not to you), and then elope whenever you want. Duck any “when’s the wedding” questions, be vague and change the topic.
Then, after your elopement, you can send a nice wedding annoucement to the people you “had in your thoughts” when you married. You may or may not wish to tell your parents in person. AFTER the elopement though 🙂
Post # 7
We had a lot of the same issues you did, I’m so sorry you are having to deal with all of that.
My FI and I decided to elope because of all of the family issues and money stuff, etc. and we had a hard time telling our families (and guests who had received STDs, but no invites!) about our decision.We decided to tell our immediate families (his mom, my parents, and my brother) the date and place, but nothing else. We told them that we are not expecting any guests, nor will we be offering any seating, programs, favors, or anything like that. We said that they were the only people that were “invited” but there would be no ill will if they weren’t there. After the ceremony and pics (just us), we will be having dinner at a beachside steakhouse and they are welcome to join us, but we will not be paying for any of their meals or drinks.
It may sound harsh to some, but as far as we are concerned we are eloping and don’t feel we should do anything differently than that. The main reason we told anyone at all is that this is his first marriage (my 2nd) and we know his mom would really like to be present. At first, we were just going to have her and her BF as witnesses, but my dad lives about 2 hrs away and is very ill with cancer… then what about my mom feeling left out (messy divorce)… THEN my bro and SIL decided to come visit that week from IN… so, it ended up the way it did for those reasons.
I sent our “invitations” to immediate family and they had directions cards, but no RSVP cards. I sent them out because we decided to elope rather late in our engagement and I had already completed my DIY invites and was really proud of them, so I got to “show them off” a bit. LOL
Basically, do what will make you the happiest. There is always going to be someone, somewhere that has a beef with your decision. If the people in your life that love you see you happy, they will be supportive in their own way. Good luck! 🙂
Post # 8
I’m going back and forth on the eloping thing, too. For pretty much the same reasons as you (never dreamt about getting married, and even if it’s a small familial event, that makes a minimum of 55 to 60 people and I had anxiety crisis over that). FI and I finally decided we would do a small event, we even fell in love with a venue and I’m supposed to pay 25% for the reservation next month … but here’s the thing … I can’t seem to committ. I see it as a ”no-turning back” point and I’m not sure this is what I want. Having a wedding (all paid by us) means we probably won’t afford honeymoon. But honeymoon (and vacations in general), I really NEED because both FI and I are students and we get so stressed out. But like you OP, it would probably hurt both our family (and especially our mothers) if we eloped.
Now my cat is sick and it cost me 300 to this date, and I have to gather another 400 for the next weeks. That’s the money I was supposed to pay for my venue, litterally. And I almost feel as if I should forget about the wedding, pay the vet, and plan to elope with FI.
Sorry I can’t give you good advice, but I totally understand your dilemma. 🙁
Post # 9
@NorthCoastLife: feeling for you girl. Honestly I think the point of eloping is to run away and get married without anyone else. So if that is a romantic dream you have go for it…..this is your day and even if people get hurt, your day was the best you ever wanted. Don’t do a big wedding if that is what you don’t want, you may resent it.
Post # 10
Your FI proposed within a week of your brother’s engagement?? I would be so upset. Why didn’t he wait a little bit longer? You can’t change your timeline for everyone else, but you also do not have to take away close family’s thunder.
Post # 11
I think the definition of eloping includes the wedding being secret, so if you tell your parents, then you aren’t eloping. If you want it to be just the two of you, then I wouldn’t tell anyone, especially not your dad. I would only tell your family if you want a very small immediate family only wedding, but from your post it sounds like you really want to elope. I’m sorry this is so rough for you, at least your happy ending is that you are marrying your man! (yay!)
Post # 12
We aren’t planning to tell anyone before we elope. I’m even going to a different hair stylist to make sure the cat doesn’t get out of the bag the day of.
I wouldn’t tell anyone based on what you’ve told us here. My theory is everyone gets a chance to live their OWN life, not yours. They got married however they chose to and now you get to get married however YOU (and FI of course) choose to.
That’s the same reason why I don’t think it’s weird for your FI to have proposed so close to your brother’s engagement. Did I miss a rule somewheree? What’s an “appropriate” waiting time then? Should he have waited a month? Three months? A year? That’s all just silly. If your FSIL gets pg and you find out a month later you’re pg, are you supposed to postpone your baby in order to avoid “stealing thunder”? That’s just ridiculous.
LIVE YOUR LIFE. Other people have their chance to live theirs.
Post # 13
I think going with what YOU want is definitely important BUT I have to play devil’s advocate…
I’m not sure what type of relationship you have with your parents in general (good/bad) but it sounds like they’re excited to be a part of your day. Yes, it’s stressful to plan a bigger wedding than what you originally thought (I’m doing it myself) but it’s also important to Let people who want to be there, be there for you. Especially your dad who sounds like he’s happy his daughter’a getting married. Not telling them could bring about hurt feelings and that’s nor what this time in your life should be about.
Have you directly asked him if he will help financially? Or what exactly he means by “the day will be about him” if you invite only your parents?
i think you should really think about yheir feelings and life after wedding before deciding bkt to tell them.
Post # 14
Not* to tell them ….stupid phone lol
Post # 15
@stephee: I told my brother we were getting engaged but it took a month to get the ring back from the jeweler and I don’t think my brother was really thinking it would be a big deal.
No one in the family knew my brother was even looking at rings for his GF, it was a total surprise. My FI had a weekend getaway planned once he got the ring so he wasn’t going to not propose just because my brother did it the week before. The weekend was planned well in advance.
Post # 16
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
Elope and don’t tell them when or where until you return. It’s easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. If they’re really upset then let your family throw you a party afterwards.